pondering

So...Where does one find motivation? I'm not talking about inspiration. I don't need to be moved to do GREAT things...just things in general.

I've had the same piles of crap strewn about my living room floor for almost two weeks now. I know it would only take me 10 minutes to pick it all up and put it in a box. Likely the same box from which I took it--but I don't do it. I know how much better the living room would look. I know that then I could vacuum. I know that then I might be prepared to invite a friend over for a cup of tea...yet I still live in CHAOS.

It has taken me 7 years to complete my taxes for 1999. I'm not even sure that I actually completed the ones for 1998...but I think it's likely too late now.

I hoard things. I'm a pack-rat of the first order (I think that's genetic, but that's another story). I am terrible at completing paperwork on time, even if it means cash to myself...and goodness knows I can use the money. I.e. the taxes ($1500 return) and my moving expenses. I have been in this apartment for 5 months now--and the company owes me about $3000. I am too embarassed about handing in the expenses LATE...that I may not even bother to claim the cash. When I NEED the cash. Sheesh...

How do I let myself get into these situations?

More importantly though, how do I get out of them? I know I need to just get off my ass and make the first step...and I have, a little bit. Hey, I did my taxes!!! Only 4 more years to catch up on. And I will photocopy the receipts and send in the expenses this week...because that will keep the bill collectors away for at least a week.

But what then? How do I keep this from happening again? How did I get like this? And how can I possibly hope to have an honest relationship with another human being when I can't even be honest with myself about things like this?

I'm feeling a little bit lonely tonight, and missing Luke. I know it's not the thing to do...but I'm hormonal and sappy. And I really DO miss having him around...even if only on the phone as my work-friend. But I really liked having him as more than that. Oh well. You can't make someone love you...even with handcuffs and a tazer :)

Guess that's it for the self-reflection and analysis for one night.

I'm starting my gratitude journal again tongiht. And the fitness website is back up and going--some people showed up last month, so I'm going to make a concerted effort to get there and actually post. That way I'll be forced to watch what I eat and to get off my ass and exercise. I kinda lost my motivation when I lost my boyfriend. No need to look sexy naked when nobody sees you that way...but I need to change that mindset...all the more reason to look HOT. I used to feel attractive all the time...that's the one thing that being with LUKE didn't do for me...I never felt attractive, because I didn't know where I stood with him. Interesting the things we let people do to us. I always thought I was smarter than that...and apparently I'm not. And not only am I not smarter than that, but I actually miss the bugger and wish I could still be part of a couple with him as the other member. Sheesh...I should get my head read. Maybe I'm just as crazy as my father.