Cleaning house

Thursday, July 07, 2005


Day off today. Yesterday was long as we had the Team Meetings...I was at work for 6 am and then left about 5:30 pm. The six am meeting is specifically for the delivery drivers and yard associates--not a single one of them showed up. I had two part-time cashiers though--amazing that a 16 year old girl will show up 8 hours prior to her scheduled shift when someone else can't arrive 30 minutes early. Anyway--that was yesterday, this is now.

I, yet again, slept through most of my day off. I did finally awaken and then read a book. "Sister North". Not a bad piece of reading for a day.

I woke up this morning before 8 though with a bad dream. Yesterday (Hell, all week) I was missing Luke quite a bit before bed. I woke up to a dream of going to hte park and seeing him walking with his arm wrapped around some blonde girl--being as cozy and affectionate as I wished we had been able to be. I was almost sick to my stomach when I woke up.

I didn't think I had it this bad for him. Or maybe it's just the lonely finally hitting me. I do 'alone' quite well...but I don't do 'lonely' so much. I haven't really had to experience it for a long time.

When Ryan and I broke up, I was so messed up for ages...part of it was stress, part of it was the huge let-down from working so hard, and I think that part of it was that for almost 6 years I had assumed that he was 'THE ONE'.

With Kzelly, there wasn't any of that let-down...probably because I never let myself get that attached to begin with. I think also though, that it was partly because I got involved with Luke so quickly after I ended things with Kzelly.

Not fair, perhaps, but even so, I would have expected to be more upset after 3 years of involvement than only 14 months.

But I think that Luke and I were 'involved' long before we ever started dating. We were close friends--strong work allies--and I have had a crush on him a little bit ever since I can remember.

Apparently I like the skinny, sullen type. Boggles the mind.

So, today...I'm very lonely. I was feeling depressed. I was mad at myself because I wasted my day off, and then even angrier because I got a terrible crushing headache and couldn't do anything even if I had wanted to.

I went to get a coffee, hoping it would help to get some caffeine and some fresh air. Not so much. So I read some blogs, and then I went to the mall. I'm supposed to be on a financial starvation diet, however I still managed to eat Manchu Wok (noodles only) for supper and spend $4 on a Happy Bunny sticker that I love. "I'm not mean, you're just a sissy." It's for my locker at work...and I love it. I'm just bitter that it cost me $4. Plus tax. Sheesh.

So then I watched bad TV. I did manage to finally do my dishes and clean the kitchen. The sink is shining. The dish tray is full, but they're in the process of drying. The dishwasher isn't full enough to run, since I've managed to leave 1/2 a dozen bowls at the store over the last couple of weeks.

How do I manage my way out of a paper bag? I am so functional at work...and yet so inept at managing my own life.

I was wondering a bit tonight about how other people see me. I.e. what is their perception of me as a person? I *think* that they see someone who is more together than I really am, but not as together as I'd like them to think. :) I *think* they see me as someone who's financially on the ball...and I'm sooooo not. But I'd like to know. I think. I'm still actually a bit too scared to ask.

Kinda like how I'm scared to ask Scott if I'm doing what he wants me to do at the store. I want to go in and ASK him what I could do better...but I'm scared to, because then I'm afraid that he's going to not like the things I think I'm doing well. I know I have tons to work on...I'm not doing well with the promo skus, I'm not doing well at keeping my departments in stock...I'm not doing well at persistent daily standards maintenance. I think I'm doing better than the other managers were without me there, but I don't think I'm doing well by my own standards.

Granted, my standards are incredibly high. I'm a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to work. I think it's because I'm a control freak, and I can't manage to control any other parts of my life, so I obsess about work more than I should.

I wish I knew what I wanted when I grew up. And I wish that it didn't involve getting hitched and having babies in the next two years, befor dI'm too old to do it.

How do annoying stupid people get to fall in love and get married and I don't? (Yeah, I know--maybe it's because I'm judging the annoying stupid people and karma's biting me in the ass.) Why can't I just learn to be honest and open with people, and not worry about what other people think so much? Why did I care so much about looking silly with a younger man when I could have been so much happier letting things out into the open? Nobody cares as much as we did...adn we only did because we made it into such a big thing.

Oh well...too late to cry over spilt milk. I swore that if things were ever going to try again, he'd have to do it...and I have to count on that being the case. And he won't. Because he's too scared to do that. Of everything. How does one person get so scared?

I should know...I'm the same way. But I don't. Or I'd just stop.

One day, someone's going to figure out exactly what a huge fraud I am...what a sham my life is...and then where will I be? Alone.

Oh wait...I'm already here.


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