Cleaning house

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Again--not up for discussion

So yeah.

Went to the surprise party last night--it was a complete shock to Jelena. It was good. :)

The party wasn't a hella fun for me though, as it was way out in Enfield and I couldn't drink at all. I was surrounded by drunken rednecks (nice, but rednecks nonetheless).

I left around 9:30 to go and meet up with Bill. We went down to the Old Triangle.

Now...a bit of back story. We went to Celtic Corner on Thursday, and that was okay. We really have a good time when we're out together.

But we've been a bit removed and things have been a bit off. I've been wanting it to work out, but things have been...off. So Friday when I woke up next to him, and felt lonely, I kinda knew the gig was up--even though I didn't really want it to be.

Friday? I spent 5 minutes with him on MSN, then lost him for the evening. We didn't speak all night. It was not cool.

Saturday, we met up and went to the Triangle. It was good. We always have a good time going to live music together. :)

The part that sucked was that we didn't speak much, we didn't touch, and it was a bit off. Also, while we were sitting at the bar, two separate times men came up to hit on me. They were surprised that we were together.

I knew that by the end of the night, we weren't going to be. In fact, I knew it the minute I walked into his apartment. And I was sad, but aloof most of the night. Which...I know...partly my fault.

When we went back to Darkness, and I was just going to drop him off. That's not our usual MO, but I wasn't feeling the groove. I pulled up at the door and said, "Thanks, that was fun." He said "What? Aren't you coming up?" I said, "I didn't think I was invited. I suppose I could for a bit."

So I did. But we had an adventure! It was uber-cool! :) As we were going into the building, I noticed that the crawlspace door under the stairwell was open. It's usually locked. So I peeked. And Bill peeked. And it had a trapdoor going down under the floor! So we went upstairs and got a flashlight. :) I climbed down into the pit and wandered around underneath the building while Bill hung his head upside down into the deep, dark, hole to watch and make sure I was okay. :)

It was nifty! I found archaic pop cans! I found spider webs! I found plumbing pipes! And old cardboard boxes! More importantly, I didn't find any rats, or mice, or bugs! :)

After though, we went upstairs. And I had a glass of water. And after 5 hours together, I finally got a hello kiss. And thus began the last of the awkward conversations.

It was unpleasant, and sad, and necessary. We lay on the bed and held one another while we were sad about why something that for all intents and purposes LOOKED incredible on paper just wasn't happening for us. Because honestly? We should be perfect. We get along like a house on fire. We have fun, smart, clever conversations. And yet...there's something wrong.

The closest we could come is that we were friends too long first, and it's not translating well. We have both had moments of bliss. Because we both WANTED moments of bliss. But we've also both had moments that were not quite so blissful. And it shouldn't be this much work. Not this soon.

So we're done. I spent the night, and we cuddled and held one another until we fell asleep in each others arms. I woke up fairly early, and after another very sad snuggle I left.

So yeah. I'm happy, but I'm sad. It's never easy to walk away from someone who's been your best friend. And it's even harder to know when it's going to be okay to be friends again.

Because man. I can live without the smooching, and the sex. But I can't imagine going back to living without the companionship.

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