Cleaning house

Sunday, December 24, 2006

1 am, Saturday morning.

So here I am at ‘home’.

It’s not nearly as bad as it could be, and honestly? I owe it all to Jimmy Kimmel. I read a quote in a newspaper on the airplane to Toronto…and it was advice that Jimmy Kimmel’s wife (Sarah Silverman) had given him in dealing with his parents at Christmas. Paraphrased, it was to treat your own parents as you would if they were someone else’s parents. That way, their little idiosyncrasies are just adorable little quirks, and not entirely irksome things that they do just to piss the crap out of you. So far? It’s working pretty well.

Today though, I had to find myself a gym and go to work out. My father and I went shopping this morning, and after an entire morning with him? And him inviting himself back into mum’s house? And then with her making him tea but then buggering off for me to entertain him when I hadn’t even invited him into the house? I had some serious aggression to work out on the elliptical machine.

I’ve become a bit of a gym rat in the last two weeks, and I have to say that I’m loving it. It makes me feel so good after a nice hard work-out. I’m noticing changes to the shape of my body. Nothing dramatic yet, and I’m certainly not losing any weight, but I’m feeling good at least and that’s got to count for something.

Tonight has been a bit melancholy. I’m feeling a bit of a stranger here. And really, it’s because I am. I haven’t been home in a year. Not since last Christmas. And the time before that? The previous Christmas.

I feel like a mooch. I feel like I come home to gather up presents and then bail again. I’m not here as part of everybody’s lives. And they’re not part of mine.

It makes me sad. I don’t want to be a stranger to my own family. But I even noticed it when I was shopping for gifts this year.

I went to Jeremi’s parent’s house for a little bit the other night, and it was so comfortable. And Amy was part of their family in a way that I really miss. Because I miss being part of my boyfriend’s family. And I miss being part of my own.

I’ve developed a pretty great network of friends on the East Coast. And I love it there more than anything. I feel that I’m in my element there. The lifestyle, the pace, the people…I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m happy there.

But I’m not a ‘cozy’ person. I’m aloof. I’m reserved. I’m standoffish, inasmuch as a loudmouthed extrovert can be standoffish. J

I need to work harder this year at maintaining the ‘family’ friendships that I’ve established. I have great friends, and I need to make sure that I keep those relationships alive. But what’s becoming more and more apparent to me is that I WANT to be part of a couple. I don’t know why it causes me physical pain to say that out loud.

I guess it’s that I’ve proclaimed my satisfaction at being a ‘single’ for so long, that it seems as though it would be a loss of face to have to confess that I see the benefits to being a ‘couple’. And don’t get me wrong, I really have loved living my life as a single. I have loved my time to be me and to do what I want, when I want, and where I want. But now? Now, I want to be an ‘us’. Because what I want next Christmas? I want next Christmas to be about US. I don’t even KNOW an eligible US, but dammit I’m going to do what I can to find me one.

Speaking of. I’ve been obsessing, and I need to Cut It The Fuck Out. I keep thinking to myself that maybe we didn’t decide the right thing, Bill and I, when I know that we did. I keep not remembering all the reasons (and there are many) that we won’t work, and wishing like hell for the reasons that we would. And it’s not healthy, and I’ve got to stop. Because I can seriously see myself doing something entirely STUPID, and that resulting in us not being able to be friends anymore. But if I’m being honest with myself? Maybe we shouldn’t be just yet. I was all proud of us for being mature enough to be able to just hang out, and still be part of each other’s lives, and still be buddies. But I’m not mature enough to do it. I think I need some space.

Bill did the brakes on my car last Saturday evening. He figured it wouldn’t take much time at all, and I’d have my car back for the evening. Which was good, because I was supposed to meet up with some guy I met on POF…but I hadn’t mentioned that to Bill, just that I had plans. (more about the POF outing another time. Remind me.)

Anyway…long story longer, his car was still broken (power steering) and took more than the ‘it’ll just take 10 minutes then we can do yours’ – 2 hours in fact. So then by the time we got the tires off my car, it was 7pm. And the Canadian Tire monkey had given me 2 sets of the wrong parts. So we pumped Bill’s car full of power steering fluid and booked it to the closest CT. We got the right parts, put more fluid in the car, and went back to his workshop and proceeded to work on the car.

It was fun! It was a pain in the butt because it didn’t go easy, but it was fun! And I got to help and actually HELP. And that was great. J And Bill swore! Which you may not think is a big deal, since I curse like a sailor—but Bill doesn’t swear in front of women. He’s sworn exactly twice in front of me since I met him in June—6 months ago. And he remembers exactly both times, because it bugs him that he did it. But he cussed. And it made me laugh. Which made him even angrier. Which was funny.

Good times.

Anyway…the whole time he was working on the car? I kept thinking about how sexy it was to watch this man work on my car, for no reason other than that I needed the help and he was my friend and wanted to do nice things for me. And I had a very difficult time remembering that I’m not supposed to be thinking things like how sexy that is and that friends aren’t supposed to think things like that…well, the thinking wasn’t a problem—more the making sure I didn’t do anything about it. J

But the problem lies here—in that I’m thinking this stuff. And I know that I’m likely the only one thinking it. And I shouldn’t be.

This is the longest we’ve gone without talking since we met. I spoke to him Tuesday, and we went for beer on Monday because I was going to be away. We have spoken pretty much every day, in person or online since the end of June. It’s been 4 days now. I keep mentioning him in conversation. I keep thinking about him. I’m obsessing, and it’s NOT GOOD. I don’t even know if he feels the same way about our friendship as I do. Because I view him as the best friend I have right now. And I know that’s got to change if I’m to let anybody else in. But the problem lies in that I WANT him to be my best friend.

But I only want it if I get to do the same. And boys are different. And this boy is different from any boy I’ve ever known before.

And I don’t want to ask him, although I’m going to have to.

Tracey suggested that she and Brent and Bill and I spend New Year’s together. And while that would be fun, what I said to her stands true. Going out for New Year’s with Bill would impede my picking up ability a little bit. And I don’t want to be there if he picks up somebody else. Because although it would be the definitive answer I need? It would suck dead donkey ass. Only worse.

Well. That’s that. Now you know. :) But so far Christmas doesn’t suck. Just the being poor part of it. Seeing Amy and Jer was fantastic. I can’t wait for Christmas day, because they’re coming down, and Jer’s folks are coming too. I’m very much looking forward to having a house full of people, and some great food. And my parents are so much fun when there are guests around. So It should be a good time.

But I want to get ripped, and there are issues with Jeremi’s drinking, and with Amy’s alcohol consumption too. (Again, remind me…I’ll need to hash that out for myself in a day or so too.) So we’ll see what happens. I’ll likely stay dry and just wish I was half-cut.

Either way, I’m going to need a good tear for New Year’s Eve. Anything interesting going on where you are?

4 Comments:

  • I sense some New Year's Resolutions developing here.

    Thanks for stopping by my Coffee blog. I have 10--go wild.

    Merry Christmas from Norma

    By Blogger Norma, At Sun Dec 24, 05:31:00 pm  

  • Man, your situation sucks. Usually when two people date and it doesn't work out, they take some time apart so that they can come back together as friends and not have the leftover feelings still hanging about, those feelings that get in the way of friendship. But you feel he's your best friend, so that makes it really difficult to take time off; and then, even if you did take time off, there's the guilt of it--and then the question, "Why the heck do I have to take time off? No one should have to do that, should they?" Geez. That's a bummer. You're in a tough spot, but you'll find your way. I have no doubts about it!

    By Blogger Orange Juice Blues, At Sun Dec 24, 11:33:00 pm  

  • The holidays are rarely easy. I am still trying to figure out how you managed to get to To and back in the the 38 hours the store were closed!!! LOL! Get to work!

    By Blogger -LGirl-, At Tue Dec 26, 11:19:00 am  

  • Thanks for the nice comment on my blog. I know what you're feeling, being away from your family (although I'm not as far away as you are) and feeling disconnected. I'm looking for an "us" too as you put it but that's a long way away at this point. All the best in 2007!

    By Blogger Sean, At Wed Jan 03, 04:20:00 pm  

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