Cleaning house

Friday, December 01, 2006

dear ____:

okay, i get it. Karma's a bitch, and you're her.

i know I"ve been lucky. I know i've been forunate. I've been lucky enough in my life to be loved by a number of amazing men. I've been fortunate enough to KNOW how much they've cared for me. I've been lucky enough to know that they'd move heaven and earth to be with me....that they'd move halfway across the country simply for the chance to see if it would work, being with me.

I get that.

I also get that now? It's my turn. I know you're getting your own back.

I know that you think it's funny to bring me a boy that's exactly everything I could possibly want a boy to be, and then make him unattainable. I get it, and i think it's mean.

I think that you, Karma, are an evil and unprincipled whore. I think that you live only to propagate yourself. Bitch.


I know that what goes around comes around. I understand, and have known all along that my inability to love these amazing men would return to bite me in the ass. I just wish it wasn't now.

Why, Karma, do you choose this point in my life to shoot me in the foot? Do you choose now to show me my match? Why do you choose this man, this man who calls me on absolutely everything, to show me my equal? To teach me that I am not, indeed, invincible?

Why do you do this?

Do you think I need a comeuppance? Do you not know that simply knowing this man makes me feel stupid? That conversing with him challenges me in ways I have never before been challenged? Do you not understand that I need him to teach me to not take myself quite so seriously? To teach me that achievement isn't everything? And that breasts are not such a curse as I may let myself believe?

Why, when he needs me to teach him that his mother is a person outside of making beds and pies, would you not let me love him? Not let him love me? Not let us show each other?

Why would you allow us to drink beer, and yet not kiss? Why would you show me the, albeit short-lived, glory of being an "US" only to take it away and make me an 'I' again? Why would you want me to revel in the ego of the self, when I could bask in the joy of someone else's achievement?

Karma, you suck.

I knew that I could not pass through this life unscathed. I knew, that eventually you would catch up to me. I knew that I could not be so well loved without getting kicked in the guts myself. I knew that even though you made me crush other people, you, in turn, would crush me. And now? Now it's my turn.

And I feel it. I wish you'd stop kicking me.

I have never in my life been so grateful for someone making me cry, as I was tonight.

Bill said things to me that I've been needing to hear out loud. I've been telling myself for years. But nobody's had the nerve to tell me in so many words before. And he only did it because I forced him. And honestly? Coming from anybody else I wouldn't have listened anyway. But I value his opinions. And whether he values mine or not doesn't matter.

He is important to me in a way that nobody's been important to me in years. I need him to understand me, in a way I've never needed anyone to understand me before. I don't understand it, and quite frankly? It scares the crap out of me.

I know he doesn't care about me the same way. And that's where you come in, Karma. I don't know what I did to deserve this. Every time I've broken a heart I know it's caused me grief. I know it's caused me pain. I know it hasn't hurt me the same way it's hurt them, but each and every time I've felt a remorse I can't explain--simply because I knew I couldn't love them the way they loved me. And I knew it would be worse to pretend than to simply be cruel in the now.

But.

I don't remember feeling this way before. I don't even remember feeling like this with Jesus-Boy. I don't remember feeling so forlorn when I walked away, knowing that I should have explained that I wasn't coming back.

But I don't even know that I can live up to that. I thought, going in to tonight's Thursday Beer, that I was going to be able to separate myself from the situation . That I was going to be able to walk away, and cut the ties.

But I can't.

Tonight was fun. It was telling. It was revealing. And I wish I could say it was platonic. Because on his part? It was. But I was feeling more, and I know that I wasn't right to do it. I know that it's putting an unfair expectation on him. I know that I'm reading too much into simple responses that are nothing but statements of fact. They are not subliminal messages, urging me to buy popcorn at the concession stand. Nor are they subconscious statements of undying love and adoration. They need to be accepted at face value. Nothing inferred, nothing interpreted. Simply, statements of fact.

(forgive me fellow blog-stalkers--I'm writing this to my self. If you read it? So be it. But if you don't? I just need to get it out of my head. All apologies.)

Meh. MSN has diverted my stream of thought. Which is good. I was far too introspective. Although, it's 3:30 am...what do you expect? I need to be up in 2.5 hours. What the hell was I thinking?

Oh well. I had lost my NaBloPoMo Mojo...at least now? I've got it back. I'm grateful for that. Blogger Beta stole my mojo. Having 3 blog entries stolen from you at almost the end of a month of constant blogging? Makes you bitter and sad all at the same time.

As does falling for a boy who for one reason or another chooses to not love you back.

***
And Quinn? This is NOT a plea for you to comment or judge. It's a blog. Please refrain today, as I'm just not ready to deal with your recriminations and judgements. You're cooler. I get it. And I'm sorry if that offended you, but get over it.
***

Here's my MSN from 3:30 am with Variax. He's a saint, as always, for listening to my drivel...and then coming here to read more.

sadie (3:27:37 AM): I cried tonight. How bizarre is that?
sadie (3:27:47 AM): but i was smiling while I did it. I'm boggled.
sadie (3:28:00 AM): granted, I hid my face. But i was still weepy.
sadie (3:28:04 AM): fucking boys.
sadie (3:28:06 AM): They suck.
TheMostAmazingGuyEver (3:28:14 AM): *hugs*
sadie (3:29:08 AM): i wish i didn't find it so endearing.
sadie (3:29:22 AM): that's the part that blows most. Fucker's adorable.
TheMostAmazingGuyEver (3:30:26 AM): I was in danger of having a moment while at work.
TheMostAmazingGuyEver (3:30:45 AM): But I was luckily protected by my macho.
sadie (3:33:20 AM): soh.
sadie (3:33:25 AM): doh, even.
sadie (3:33:37 AM): moments suck. Even in the privacy of your own home.
TheMostAmazingGuyEver (3:33:50 AM): Yeah.
sadie (3:33:52 AM): R___, I went to his house to pee, and didn't know what to do when I was done.
sadie (3:34:06 AM): I said " Um...okay. See ya. Had fun...thanks. Bye."
sadie (3:34:14 AM): and left really fast, closing the door in his face.
sadie (3:34:28 AM): which was weird, as he's never walked me to the door before.
sadie (3:34:53 AM): but i haven't been to his place since a month ago when i left for good. Never intending to go back...well, at least not for 6 months or so.
sadie (3:35:02 AM): but now? We've still been going out for beer.
sadie (3:35:05 AM): and it was okay.
sadie (3:35:21 AM): but i feel like all those boys who have had crushes on me for my whole life...
sadie (3:35:35 AM): wanting more, and being sad when it wasn't offered, or was yanked away.
sadie (3:35:41 AM): ...And that
sadie (3:35:49 AM): is a horrible position to put anyone else into.
sadie (3:35:55 AM): because i've been there often enough.
sadie (3:35:57 AM): And it sucks.
sadie (3:35:59 AM): But.
sadie (3:36:34 AM): I keep misreading the signs. Which is odd, because i'm usually sooooo good at signs. But I know that i'm reading what i want to read, not what's really there.
sadie (3:37:07 AM): it's just so hard to remember that i'm imagining it. Even though that's the reality of the situation.
sadie (3:37:08 AM): FWAH.
sadie (3:37:13 AM): boys suck. But I suck more.
sadie (3:37:17 AM): meh.
TheMostAmazingGuyEver (3:37:51 AM): You rule.
sadie (3:38:53 AM): yeah. Well.
sadie (3:39:04 AM): tell Bill that, wouldja?
sadie (3:39:26 AM): explain why i rock more than anybody else and why he should love me more than physics? :)




Anyway...moving on with my life :)

Beer tonight was great. My weekend of home improvement was great. My wasted day off? Not so great. But. :)

I lost at least 3 posts to the Beta Blogger Demons. I gave up on NaBloPoMo. But I learned a lot from the experience...mostly? That it takes a hell of a lot longer than 21 days for ME to make something a habit :)

But I learned that I love all of you...even though a lot of you have no names, no faces, only anonymous ISPs. Good thing you've got cute addresses....otherwise i'd be forced to break up with you too, and then pine away over you.

G'night folks :)

4 Comments:

  • This comment has been removed by the author.

    By Blogger Orange Juice Blues, At Fri Dec 01, 05:23:00 am  

  • This comment has been removed by the author.

    By Blogger Orange Juice Blues, At Fri Dec 01, 05:36:00 am  

  • boys...SIGH....I've fallen for many a boy who was just a friend and only saw me in that light. It is definately a difficult situation. And yes, it makes you think about those times when the shoe is on the other foot and one of your friends that you ONLY think about as a friend falls for you and you have to be the heartbreaker. Stupid stupid karma.
    One of these days...things will all fall into place! It has to happen. :)

    By Blogger Bookingirl, At Sat Dec 02, 12:50:00 am  

  • It's underestimated how difficult and rare it really is for two people to have strong intimate feelings for each other. At least, that's what I tell myself.

    By Blogger Sean, At Wed Dec 06, 09:40:00 pm  

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