So...

I think you're entitled to a post. Everyone I know has been asking, so I may as well write it down.

There's so much to cover, and my memory, as you know is the shits. It's why I have a blog. You'd think I'd be a bit better at actually using it.

So....last Thursday is usually a good place to start. The Thursday after Easter was a pretty good one...it was a nice night, nothing special, I don't think. So much has happened in the interim that I'm a little fuzzy on some of the details, to be completely honest.

I ended up going to the pub by myself, because B-- went out with a bunch of his friends from school. I had a good time on my own, but was disappointed that he didn't tell me about his plans until 7:30 the night of...when I'd specifically asked him to let me know by 5 so I didn't get my hopes up about seeing him.

The thing about only having one day that you're certain of seeing someone, is that you look forward to it. So I was a bit pissy, but really...it's not that big a deal so I got over it.

(This draft is in it's 4th incarnation, and I'm filling it in a bit now on the 27th/28th of April...almost 2 full weeks after the fact. I don't think I'm likely to forget, but this is for me...just in case I do.)

I had a great time on Thursday, stayed much later than I intended...but was really looking forward to seeing him. And since I had to drive past his house to get home, I called his cell. No answer, so I assumed he was still out. Not a big deal--I wasn't pissy after the first 20 minutes of being out, I just wanted to see him at this point. I figured I'd try again on my way home. So I drove up his street, and called from the road. No answer. But I saw his car in the parking lot...so I took a shot and buzzed.

He was home...and asleep. But he let me in, and seemed quite happy to see me. So I smooched him, and peed, and intended to go home, but he asked, so I stayed. It was very nice. Cozy. We DID sleep well together.

Friday I closed...we chatted a bit online Friday night and I asked him if he'd like to do something together on Saturday. I got a 'Sure!!' with exclamation points...so I was hyped. I said 'okay then, it's your job to find us something fun to do." "I think I can manage that" he said. So I went to work all excited about having something fun to do on Saturday night.

Saturday we got out pretty quick...I walked into the locker room at 9:15 to grab my coat and my cell was ringing. He thought I was at the gym? (apparently listening---not so good. As it turns out, it was the disregard for other people's feelings that was doing the listening at the time...or not.) Anyway..."What do you think about going to the Split Crow tonight?"

"Sure...sounds good"

"Okay, I'm heading down there now."

"um...did you maybe want to...oh, I don't know...WAIT for me? And we could go TOGEHTER?"

"Oh...yeah. I guess I could do that. Damien's down there already."

"Ahh. Okay. Well, why don't you meet me at my place, and we can take one car."

"Yeah, okay. Sure. How long will it take you to get ready?"

(starting to get frustrated at this point--but still just assuming he's a dumb boy) "Well, I'll get ready a lot faster if you're standing in my living room than I will if I'm waiting for you to show up."

"oh...yeah, I guess. Okay. I'll see you in 20 minutes or so then."

WHAT THE FUCK? But okay...he's just obtuse. It'll be fine.

So I went home to get changed...he showed up, and stood in the dining room while I got dressed. I made a bit of a joke about it--asked him how close he was to the Crow when he phoned me? Then I changed the subject because I didn't really want to know.

We made it out to the car with no smooch...so I asked for one and got it. It was nice.

While we were driving downtown, he mentioned that Damien was already down there I DID ask "What would you have done if I'd said I didn't want to go to the Split Crow?

"Um..."

Yeah. Anyway, I had a good time. Scoot met us down there...he was loooooaded. I met a couple of guys from Saskatchewan.* I met a girl who is an Hotel Inspector. She's cool. From Toronto. Damien, who's a big loser, picked up some girl(who was also married). I'm sure his live-in girlfriend is proud. He 'whispered' at Bill that Bill had to be his alibi, and that sometime Damien would return the favour. Classy.

*This is a good story for another time. It's interesting...and really quite indicative of how I keep getting into the WRONG kind of relationships. But anyway. Back to the story at hand.

Anyway...we had a good time. Scott stayed all night, and kept drinking and drinking. The three of us went to the Alehouse after...not such a great idea, but it was alright. Then we put scott in a cab, and tried to catch one ourselves.

We caught a cab home. (What's that, you say? Didn't we drive down? Yes...yes we did. In fact, I offered several times to drive, as I had to work at 8 a.m. anyway...but No, it was fine. He would drive. Then, halfway through my 3rd beer, I see him and Damien splitting a pitcher. So yeah...I said 'I OFFERED to drive...how are we going to get home?!' "That's what cabs are for" "well, you'd better pay for it, I can't afford a cab...that's why I was going to drive." Yeah...good times.) It took forever, as nobody wanted to go to Bedford.

So...I kinda started something when we were half asleep on Saturday night...and told him how l was feeling a little bit hurt about the whole evening, among other things. Anyway...it was good. I needed to say it, he needed to hear it. It would have been better sober, but...hey. :) He snuggled me close, and things were fine.

Sunday morning I had to get up for work...he went to get up too...I said 'stay and sleep, I'll get my keys back from you later.' He looked surprised, but pleased...so he did. I left a note that said I'd either swing by and pick them up, or he could drop them off later.

I had a very long day at work, because it was Sunday--which means BUSY, and also because I was so tired. Around 4, Billy brought me a coffee and my keys. :) It was so nice to have a visit in the afternoon. :) He smooched me voluntarily in the middle of the light cloud...it was a happy surprise, as he's not usually so demonstrative. :) I was quite happy. :)

So after the visit, I went to the gym, then home...Bill had cooked a chicken, so I wheedled myself an invitation over to eat it. :) I'd already eaten, but that wasn't the point. I was also TIIIIRED, but it was cool.

So I went over to his place, and we just hung out. We talked, and laughed, and giggled, and listened to music, and snuggled like crazy...just laying on the bed. Being. And it was GOOD. And the sex? It was good too.

And I stayed over, and it was nice (as usual) to wake up next to him. I worked close on Monday night...so I caught an extra couple of hours sleep when I got home and headed in to the store at 10.

Monday night when I got home, he wasn't online. Which was unusual, but not THAT unusual. I figured he was either out, or gone to bed early. I ate my dinner, chatted with some other friends, read some blogs. Quinn had emailed me about a POF post he'd made, so I went to read it.

While I was at POF, I looked up Billy's profile. What? You wonder what he was doing with a profile still up on a dating site? That's a good question. It was still there from before. I never asked him to take it down. I figured he'd do it when he thought about it. I also thought he would remember how much it had bothered me before, when I found that he still had a profile and had changed it. Apparently some lessons are REALLY hard to learn.

I didn't look to spy, I looked out of curiousity. And the fucking cat, it deserved to die...because curiousity never turns out well, I've learned over and over again. So his profile, not just there...but different. The body was the same, but the header...it was different. 'C'mon, be honest' Fucking hypocrisy in action.

It said he was a non-smoker. It said he was single. It said he was looking for a long-term commitment and that he was a sincere and honest person. Lying sack of shit.

So I felt like I'd been sandbagged. I felt like absolute utter shit. So it was about ten to 11...and I called him. I left him a voicemail...that said (in a rather shaky voice) that I really needed to talk to him, and that I would stop by tomorrow (Tuesday) after work if he was going to be around.

I then (for good measure) sent him emails...one to Hotmail, and one to work. "I need to talk to you, so I'll stop by after work tomorrow night. If you're not going to be around at 10 or so, let me know...otherwise, I'll see you tomorrow. Have a happy Tuesday!"

Monday night was crap. Tuesday? Worse. I was a complete and utter bitch all day. I was snarly, and cranky, and mean. I was busy, and run off my feet to start with...but tired, and cranky, and bitchy on top of it...not a good combination. I felt sooo bad for everyone. But mostly me.

I was so utterly exhausted after work, that I nearly called to cancel. But I knew I had it to do. And I didn't want to.

So I went there...and I had him put on the kettle so I'd have tea when I got there. We chatted for about 35 minutes about silly stuff. Had a lovely visit. I really enjoyed it. So much, that I nearly didn't bring it up. But I knew I had to.

****

This is enough for tonight, I'm soooo tired, and I have to be up for work in about 4 hours...so I'm heading to bed. I'll finish up another time. And let you know, so that if you care, you can read it. And if you don't? You can skip ahead.

******

Also...I'm not looking for 'you should do this' or 'you know what your problem is?' or 'oooh..plenty of fish in the sea'. If you MUST say something? "Oh dear. That stinks. I'm sorry." will suffice. I WILL delete comments on this post that I find personally offensive. I'm sorry to say that, I shouldn't let it bother me...but the comments on this do. As I feel particularly stupid in this situation, and I'm hurt, and humiliated, and confused, and lonely, and sad...and any number of emotions that I can't even label right now.

Thanks.