Cleaning house

Friday, July 08, 2005

punch in the gut


Heather called me back tonight. And after some other stuff, she said, "I don't know if..."

I said, "Who's he seeing?" She said, "Oh, you already know?" I said no, but that I figured it was likely.

So...he's seeing Cynthia. The little cow that got the other assistant manager fired for dating an associate. She apparently started up with him, then cried sexual harassment and got him canned. Then, after he wasn't working there anymore, they started dating again. She left the store in August to move to the states to go to school and live with the guy. Apparently she's back.

Anyway. I feel like I got punched in the stomache. Heather went to a bachelorette party for Becky at a bar. Becky is good friends with Cynthia. Cynthia phoned Luke from the bar and he went out and met them there. Apparently he had his arms around her.

Heather said she had a really difficult time making eye contact with him. This was two weeks ago. Back when she called me and I didn't return her call. I should have, apparently.

decency to call me himself, KNOWING that she knew. He expected her to do his dirty work for him.

I'm so glad he didn't answer his phone tonight when I called. I couldn't imagine how much of a sucker-punch it would have been if he'd told me himself. Which he wouldn't, because that would actually involve volunteering information.

So I'm crushed. I'm so sad. And hurt. And disappointed. I don't even have enough words to describe what I'm feeling right now. I thought he had better taste. I want to believe that, because she's not nearly as pretty as me...and she's not smart. But she's there. And I'm not. And she has what I want, even though I know that it's not good for me.

He's such a little weasel.

I'm disappointed that he left it for Heather to tell me. I'm glad that she did, but it's slimey of him to make her do it.

At least now I have something to be angry about. It makes it a little bit easier to get past when I'm feeling hurt and angry. So i tell myself, anyway.

But I'm so hurt. And I know I just need to get over it. But I don't know if I can. My whole life is in turmoil. My finances are a mess. My job isn't a driving force anymore. I don't have any friends at work, and I really don't know if I have any friends left at all...I miss having Luke as my friend, although friends don't treat friends like this.

I am disappointed in him, because I expected better. But why I expected better is beyond me. He never considered my feelings once when we were dating, why would he start now?

I wonder if he ever felt anything? He seemed to when we were breaking up, but I don't know. Maybe that was a sham too because he thought it was how he was supposed to act. Maybe he WAS lonely, and that's why he hooked up with her. I doubt it. Heather suggested it, but I don't buy it.

I need to stop buying what I've been selling myself.

Things I don't need from Luke:

-his smoking
-his selfishness
-his lack of consideration
-his singlemindedness about work
-his lack of affection in public
-his inability to express emotion
-his internalization of everything important
-his inability to tell his parents about our relationship
-his addiction to sports
-his inability to look after himself
-his poor diet/eating out all the time
-his lack of ability to give me positive reinforcement
-his inability to make me feel sexy
-his small penis

Shame about this. It makes me sad that I need to do things like this to make myself feel better about it. Because it doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel small. It makes me sad...because he's smart. And he's funny. And he used to be my friend. And it really hurts me soo much that he's treating me like this. That I'm letting myself be hurt by him. Again.

So much for letting people in. They just kick you in the stomache when you're not looking.

Fucking weasel.


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