Cleaning house

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

From 9/28/03

...just found this in a notebook. It still strikes a chord with me.

************

The bonds between two human beings are a mysterious invention.

There are people who are so intensely valuable to us that we cannot imagine a day without them, and yet--they are so removed from our daily reality as to be strangers.

How is it possible to relate
to someone so completely and intensely that you feel lost without them--yet you could not imagine a physical relationship with them?

I suppose that that feeling quantifies the very concept of 'shallow'. And yet, I cannot imagine allowing myself to settle for someone that does not embody the 'whole picture'. I wouldn't want to ever consider that someone had 'settled' for me.

If that is so, though--why do I remain in a relationship that is so contrary to what I want and believe?

Do I feel that I don't deserve more, or is it just that I'm afraid that there *IS* no 'more'? Likely a fragile balance between the two.

I feel that my life is a train careering wildly along. There is no conductor--I'm wearing the hat, but I have no idea which levers to pull, which buttons to push.

Professionally, personally, emotionally--I am not in charge of my destiny. I *should* be. I need to be. But presently I am not. I need to begin to take some steps. I need to make some changes. I have a feeling that most of them will be difficult and not just a little bit unpleasant. But someone needs to take control of the train. I need to take charge of my happiness and bring it home to stay.

Not such a small task, but daunting tasks can be tackled too--one baby step at a time.

9/28/03 11:45 pm

****************

The more things change, the more they stay the same! What's particularly funny about this, is that I wrote it while I was living in Yarmouth. Not the best relationship of my life (I ended it shortly after I wrote this) but by far one of the best periods of my professional life. I then left Yarmouth and moved to Saint John, NB--the armpit of the Maritimes. A decidedly much less pleasant place to be--particularly when attempting to 'find happiness'. Heh. :)

2 Comments:

  • well done :)

    By Blogger Christine, At Tue Jan 09, 05:11:00 pm  

  • "Professionally, personally, emotionally--I am not in charge of my destiny. I *should* be. I need to be. But presently I am not. I need to begin to take some steps. I need to make some changes. I have a feeling that most of them will be difficult and not just a little bit unpleasant. But someone needs to take control of the train. I need to take charge of my happiness and bring it home to stay.

    Not such a small task, but daunting tasks can be tackled too--one baby step at a time."

    And yet everything you said previously depends upon someone else, finding a partner, and loving that person. Hello? Do you really think you are totally responsible for your own happiness, when you already have a preconceived notion that happiness relies upon a "we"--with someone, somewhere? You will want to argue the point--because you are unique, an individual (and you are!), but the motivation itself for writing this, even years ago, was based on the want of another person. You can fabricate your own happiness. . . yes, this is true. You can take the helm and steer it. But this isn't what happiness is about. You're just talking about control, a want to make yourself happy without outside influence. Good luck with that!! :) Happiness not only deals with habit and the familiar, but the strange mixture of mystery and the unexpected, a dichotomy we can't quite define. I can't define it. It's inexplicable.

    You should be in charge of your destiny? How boring is that? Gimme a break. :) If you were and if you knew everything to come--and if you really had control of your destiny--then you'd collapse of boredom.

    Have fun cleaning house. It's much like laundry and dishes. They are never done. There's always more. :)

    By Blogger Orange Juice Blues, At Wed Jan 10, 03:24:00 am  

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