Cleaning house

Saturday, May 05, 2007

FW: Remote posting


So here I am at work, and I've got a little bit of time on my hands. I never know exactly how MUCH time I'm going to have, but a little bit is a good time to start a post.

Last week was an interesting departure from the last two weeks.

Last Thursday, as you recall, was the first Thirstday I've spent home in about 6 months…and it stank like a rotting corpse. Or like rotten milk which has burst its jug and left gooey, stanky milk juice all over the floor of your dining room while you were at work. And that the juice has taken you 4 days to clean up thoroughly, and the stench is STILL not gone…even though you've used Windex™, SprayNine™, MrClean™ and BLEACH (not all at once, I don't want to blow the place up, just make it un-stankified). Not that I'd know anything about a stench as pervasive as that…nope, not me. I wouldn't leave a jug of expired milk down by the recycling so long that it exploded. Well, not twice anyway, now that I know what happens. But I digress.

Anyway…Thirstday last week was Billy's birthday as well, which made it double sucky, because I didn't know where they'd end up, and I didn't want to accidentally bump into them. I was of the mindset at that point, that I didn't even want to talk to him. I was still angry (still AM) and hurt, and didn't want to be friends…even though it made me sad and lonely to think that.

I went out on Friday night last week, to the Old Triangle. I had a good time…I danced with an old man, I chatted with the guy sitting next to me. I enjoyed being out, even though I was out by myself. I feel safe there, so I don't mind going on my own.

I don't remember what I did Saturday night, and I'm at work without benefit of my calendar—so you'll have to assume it was something interesting. It may not have been (unlikely to have been, in fact) but them's the breaks. Use your imagination. ** HEY! Here's a challenge for you! Write me a story, if you like, about the fun hi-jinks I got up to. J You can win my undying gratitude and effervescent laughter if your story is better than someone else's. No real prizes, because I'm poor…but I'll laugh loudly, and post them here, complete with track-backs and hot-links. You know you waaaaanna. **

I know that I did spend a lot of time thinking about what I wanted from my current life, and where I am in terms of my friendships and my familial relationships. I have been spending a lot of time thinking about this stuff for the last two weeks, actually. And something that keeps coming back to me is the idea that "if I were diagnosed with something terminal tomorrow, would I do things differently?" Would the people I love KNOW it? And would I be more willing to tell the people I care about that I do, indeed, love them? Would I waste my time and energy being angry and resentful, or would I learn to call a spade a spade? Would I be more vocal in my dissent, or would I take more in stride and categorize it as unimportant.

It was with this in mind that I decided I still wanted to be friends with Billy. (There's a lot of stuff left over from our breakup that I need to fill you in on some time, but it's not going to be today. Suffice to say, there's three sides to every story, and you've only heard a part of one side. But—it's still a big step to try and be his friend. I don't do so well with betrayal—I'm unused to it, and it's the one thing I find relatively unforgivable. I'd do better forgiving murder than betrayal. But that's me.)

But I made a conscious decision, that if I found out tomorrow that I was dying, I wouldn't want to NOT be his friend. I wouldn't want to NOT call him up and tell him, and I know that he was upset about me cutting him out completely. So I decided to stop working so hard at cutting him out, and work hard at allowing him back in—in baby steps.

So Sunday was not a bad day. I slept late, but decided to go and do something for me. I decided I'd go to Peggy's Cove and play on the rocks. So I also did something that I haven't done in weeks…I IM'd bill. And I IM'd first. I'd been making a point of not starting conversations. I would reply if he said something, but I tried to give short answers, and I tried to not get really involved in anything—and definitely not ask many questions. So I IM'd him. This was not lost on him, and he responded quite eagerly.

I mentioned my plan to go to Peggy's Cove, and invited him to come along if he were so inclined. He seemed pleased, but asked when I was going, as he'd just put a chicken in the oven. I asked how long until his dinner was done…he said an hour? So I said I had some stuff to do, and could put it off that long. So I went and folded some laundry, we kept chatting intermittently on MSN. About an hour and a half later, I said "I'm heading out soon, are you still coming with?"

"I'm going to stay in. I'm overtired and am getting a bit of a headache."

I was pissed.

"Oh. K. See you." And I disconnected. I could see him typing something, but I disconnected. I didn't want to hear it. I was pissed off. I'd offered an olive branch, which had been accepted, but then, after I waited around for over an hour, the branch was used to poke me in the eye. Anger ensued. Buddy couldn't have mentioned some time in the last hour and a half that he was getting a headache?! Yeah. Inconsiderate.

Yeah. But then I talked to myself for a bit…"He doesn't owe you anything. You're not dating. You said you had stuff to do while the chicken cooked. Perhaps he wasn't aware that you were WAITING explicitly for him. You should not be so pissy about something so trivial."

So I put on my coat and shoes, and just before I left the house, I logged back in to MSN. "Hey, did you still want these beer bottles? (He brews his own) I can drop them off while I'm out if you'd like."

He did. "…but you're losing daylight time. I can pick them up later tonight if you want."

"Whatever you like."

"I'll pick them up later tonight."

...

So I had a lovely afternoon—didn't make it to Peggy's Cove, as it began to rain. But I hit the Dal Dump'n'Run garage sale, and got a big box of free books. Booty! It was great. I had a lovely drive around, and a fantastic 2 hours at the gym.


I then went home to cook and bake. Bill was melancholy on MSN, a touch of the Sunday blues, so I invited him to come in for banana bread and tea when he came for the bottles.

We had a lovely visit. It was a bit stiff, but not so bad. I worked at it. He worked at it.

As he was leaving, he mentioned that he was really glad that I'd spoken to him that afternoon, and that he was glad I'd invited him in. I told him I'd made a decision to be a friend and was working toward that end.

It was a very pleasant evening.


I was going to tell you about Gaelic on Tuesday, and my birthday on Wednesday, but I have now officially run out of time. I'm going on a pub crawl after work (in 15 minutes!) and won't be able to finish tonight. But I'll find some time tomorrow, if not at work then after, and I'll get you all caught up to date.

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