Hmm.

I intended this to be a cheery, happy post. But I think that it will not end up that way.

I was just going through some very old emails from people I have lost touch with over the years. I feel very guilty about this, as I look back and see that the reason I have lost touch is because I'm an ass. I realize that communication is a two way street, but I still feel that the main reason these WONDERFUL relationships have not endured is because I dropped the ball in some major way and let these girls down.

I have never been good at being girlfriends. Women have always mystified me somehow. We are so demanding and expectant of one another. Men's needs are simpler for me to understand. I tend to be more 'manly' in my relationship requirements. I try to tell people when and what I need. And if I don't say there's something wrong, there's generally not. If I show concern, it's because I"m concerned. I'm pretty straightforward. Most of my (very few) girlfriends are the same way.

But I still can't help but feel I've failed somehow in letting some wonderful friendships with some very strong and wonderful women fall by the wayside. I'm going to try to repair this. I am going to apologize for my selfishness and my lack of responsiveness, and hope for forgiveness. But even if granted, I still know--deep down--that I'm more than a little bit of an ass.

I spent today at work with James counting countertop. It was good. Stinky because I spent 12 unpaid hours at the store, but good because I was able to spend some enjoyable time with James. We used to be friends, but now that I'm his boss we have issues. I try to be consistent in my manners toward him, because he is incredibly inconsistent toward me.

James is VERY clever. He's also VERY pessimistic. I find this very difficult to deal with in a workplace setting. It's funny in a friend. We used to be friends. Sometimes we are still friends. But I need to be his boss at work and he doesn't seem to understand that. I don't treat him any differently than my other department managers--and I expect the same results from him as I do from them. Sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I get a 20 minute 'discussion' about all the reasons that moving a pallet from one place to another 'simply won't work' or is 'completely ridiculous'. He doesn't argue this way because it's me, but rather because it's his nature. I just find it difficult to manage. If he had not been my friend for so long, I would simply say (and I sometimes do) "Stop arguing, and just do what I asked you." But I don't like to manage this way. Bleh.

But today was good. We had fun and got a lot accomplished. I wish I'd accomplished sleeping in and going to church, but hey...can't have everything. :)

I talked to my mom tonight about my plans for Christmas, and I'm very much looking forward to going home. I won't get to spend much time with my mother--as she will be at work while I am on vacation. But I'll get the evenings and I can meet her for lunch or something some days. Frankly a week and a half stuck in my mom's house with nothing much to do sounds dreary, but I'll likely get lots of baking done, and hopefully a trip or two to IKEA. *bounce*

I'm also hoping to meet up with Christine and some other old friends. We shall see. I am hoping to take my mom out on the town one night--she could probably use a girls night, and we've never done that before. Here's hoping--it could be fun!

Don't know what's going to go on with Dad over the holidays--I'm sure that will be a sad time too. I have a feeling he'll be at Christmas dinner, becasue my mother's got a kind heart and a soft-spot for stray puppies. But I hope he's not, for her sake. I may go over to his house and cook him a dinner on Boxing day before I leave to come home. We shall see.

I am getting my plane ticket this week, and my eyes checked on Friday. I'm very happy. :) 'tis all.