The Tao of Sadie

Just like Steve:

1. Eliminate your desires.
2. Do something excellent in her presence, thereby proving your sexual worthiness.
3. Retreat, for as Heidegger said, "We pursue that which retreats from us".

Or in short:

1. Be desireless
2. Be excellent
3. Be gone

My new mantra. Soon to be adopted. It'll make things more interesting, if not simpler.

Tonight I went for a drink with a new man. It was okay. I had chatted with him a fair bit online, and he seemed to be pleasant, chatty, and fairly intelligent. We'd had a couple of pretty decent conversations, so I wasn't too worried about not having anything much to talk about.

I happened to be online when he said 'hey, wanna get a coffee or something tonight?' and I didn't have plans except to start my taxes* so I said sure.

We went to Finbar's. It's a cozy little place, it's close to my house, and I don't hang out there much, so I wasn't likely to bump into any people I knew, or ruin any happy memories I had of the place--should the guy turn out to be a creep. :)

One beer, an order of fries, and an hour and a half of excruciating conversation. It was like pulling teeth, trying to talk to this guy. He was nice enough. Not my type physically, but pleasant. He was clean, he didn't smell bad. Too much facial hair for my taste, but meh, that's just a haircut. Anyway...

When we were chatting on MSN, Buddy had been a regular magpie. Chatted up a storm. Volunteered stuff, had clever commentary, and was even a little bit funny. I figured it'd be okay going to have coffee/beer because at least the time would go by.

Was I ever wrong.

I go into these things with zero expectations. I don't even expect that I'm going to make friends with these guys, because I have come to know how rare that is. But I DO expect that I'm going to not have to take an advanced degree in dentistry in order to be able to pass 60 minutes of pain-free social interaction. Pulling teeth, people. It's like pulling teeth. And I don't get it.

I don't think I'm that different in person than I am here on paper. I try to be honest about who and what I am. I don't tell contrived stories about my job, my education, my social life. I fabricate pretty much nothing. I don't change my language, or my manner, in order to impress anybody. I expect that what I give people online is pretty much what they're going to get in real life. I expect the same from them.

I am tired. I am tired of having to work so hard to even have a simple conversation. I'm a patient person. I understand that sometimes people are nervous. I understand that some people are shy. I work at trying to not be completely overwhelming for people if I get the impression that they may be uncomfortable. I know that I can be overly boisterous. I know that I can be loud, and bossy, and pushy. I work hard at NOT being those things with new people, because I know it can be Too Much. But man, oh man. I am TIRED of doing all the work.

I even asked Bill tonight if when we had met the first time in person, if I was different than I had been online. Because I have been remembering back, and he was pretty much exactly what I expected him to be. He pointed out that we'd been talking for months before we met, and that had probably helped, but that I was definitely 'me'.

I remembered thinking at the time what a revelation it was, because I'd met a bunch of folks and they'd all turned out to suck, and that it was amazing what a great time we'd had right away because things just fell into place naturally. But we were already pretty fast friends before we ever met up in person. And maybe that's part of my problem--I expect that everyone is going to be that way.

But honestly, shouldn't SOMEBODY be that way? I.e. the way they present themself? I know that people get nervous meeting someone new for the first time. Heck, don't we all at least a little bit? But sheesh...why is it always so damn much WORK? I'm getting tired of putting in all the effort at meeting new people. I don't think that simply showing up COUNTS. From now on, if they're not at least attempting to pull their half of the conversation? I'm going to stop asking questions. Awkward silences will reign supreme. Because right now, I fill the silences.

I ask open ended questions. I ask questions about things I couldn't care less about. I ask about their NASCAR addiction. I ask about their teacup poodle. I ask about their mother's trans-gendered boyfriend from Ghana. (Well, that WOULD be interesting, wouldn't it?!) When I'm asking this stuff? I've already decided if this person is worth the effort or not, I'm simply continuing because a) it's the polite thing to do, b) you seem like a decent guy, and c) there's still beer in my glass. And I'm going to stop.

Bill said that maybe they're just uncomfortable. And he's right, maybe they are. But I've usually got a pretty good radar for that. I am good at decoding 'uncomfortable'. I'm just getting less and less willing to deal with it. And that's not fair to these poor men I keep meeting. Because eventually I'm going to want to stop being nice. And I don't want that--it wouldn't be pretty for either of us.

***

I bailed on work today at noon-thirty, and considering it was my day off, I think I did pretty well. I didn't do much with my day, just some dishes, some laundry, and I moved a bookshelf...but I enjoyed my afternoon very much. There's something so decadent about coming home in the daytime. :) It's one of the reasons that I enjoy coming home for lunch sometimes, even if it means that things are a bit rushed getting back to the store.

Remember how yesterday I said I was feeling good about my gym time? How I felt 'used' and 'spent' and that those were really good words and a great way to feel? Next time I say that? Would you please, someone, hit me in the head with a Clue-by-four? I'm ACHEY. I have aches in my aches. I hurt muscles that I didn't even know existed before, and man...walking is like post-softball tournament suffering. It's evil. But you know what? Even saying that? I'm loving it. My obliques are killing me, and my abs were hurting as I was doing Kegels while washing dishes. Apparently the two sets of muscles are connected. No wonder! Anyway...OUCH.

I don't know if I let any of you in on my goal. Why I'm pushing so hard. Well, other than the fact that it just feels good to see results. And results I'm definitely seeing! My pants fit better, if not all a bit too big! My shirts fit better. I FEEL fantastic. But all that aside, because I've started to see results? I want more. MORE! I'm greedy, but only because I see things as attainable.

I want to be able to show off my stomach in public by my birthday. That's May2nd for those of you that keep track of such things. It's now February 12th (13th, since I'm up late--again) and that means I have only 2 and a half months of hard work to squeeze in. I don't know if I'll be at washboard status, but I definitely plan to be in a place where I'm not mortified to put on my bathing suit in public this summer. It's my goal. And I think it's attainable.

Granted, as I don't go around doing a whole lot of midriff showing now, I'm not likely to start simply because I'm Old(er) in May. But man...wouldn't it be slick to be 'Almost 40' and look amazing? I can't do anything about genetics, but I can definitely control my crunch quota! :)

Sad that it's my biggest goal in life these days. But nice to choose something attainable for once.

*Taxes. The bane of my existence. Yes, I still owe the government about 5 years worth. I suck, okay? I get it. If you happen to work for H&R Block, or you just want to be a good Samaritan and sift through 15 boxes of assorted crap from my last 6 moves in order to find my T4s and my RRSP receipts, your time would be greatly appreciated. I'd pay you in cookies. (I'd offer beer and dancing girls, but I still owe that to Bill for my brakes and I don't know if I can afford 2 sets of dancing girls--unless you manage to get me a super-duper refund cheque! Then bring on the dancing girls!)

That's it for me tonight, poppets. Time for bed. Hope your Monday went well :)