Cleaning house

Thursday, June 28, 2007

If your name is Bill--skip this one.

Hello, dear readers.

This is a post of stuff from my head. And my heart. And I am putting it here to share with random strangers on the internet. Unless they are named Bill. Because at least one of you Bills plays a role in this post. And I'm not ready to share that role with you just yet.

And since I'm not really ready to discuss it with you in person, it's probably not really fair for you to read it here first. I promise that some time soon, I'll get over myself and tell you. But right now? Right now I'd just prefer that you stop reading this post, and move on with your day. Come back some time on Monday, and I'll have a new post for you to read. Or go over to the sidebar and tap on THIS post. It's pretty much harmless. Or go check out the 'Stache. Good things are happening over there these days too.

The rest of you? This is just the flotsam and jetsam that's been milling around in my head. It finally had to come out. Because I hurt Billy's feelings tonight by saying something dumb, but I said the dumb thing because of things that are not so dumb. But they make me FEEL like *I* am dumb. So...yeah.

And thanks to all you Bills out there in the blogosphere for moving on. Somewhere there's a cookie with your name on it. If not, come back next week and I'll make you one of your own. : )


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I KNOW you're not still here. Shoo.

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(the first paragraph is left in from my earlier post, so you have some context. If you haven't read it yet, go HERE now. We'll wait.)

Gaelic was awesome on Tuesday night. There was a pretty good turn out, almost all the usual suspects. Bill was still sick and didn't show. Pat was there, but he won't be at the make-up session on Thursday. I think it'll be a bit less chaotic than it is when he's there. He's fun, but distracting. I dunno if Bill's going to make it or not. I may have offended him tonight in a way that will preclude his appearance.* Who knows.**

Tonight, you already read, I went to the movies. I saw SICKO, the latest Michael Moore film. It was excellent. I was lucky enough to go for free, but it would be well worth the price of admission.

***
Edit: Here's the part I chopped out before. If I decide to leave it. I may not. Just so you know. I may not be QUITE ready for prime-time.
***

**
(yeah, i know normal people put the single star first...suck it up)

Blargle. It's so confusing, this boy-girl crap. It shouldn't be. I feel like one of those clingy boys I've always had the misfortune of having to crush. I know now though, that crushing really IS the kindest way to deal with them. Because when you completely dash their hopes? You're being kind. It's kindest to take away ALL hope, because then at least they can move on.

Moving on is apparently not something I've been terribly good at lately.

***
I've been working hard at moving ahead with my emotional baggage, and not clinging quite so securely to something that obviously did not work out well. I've been working at it, but not so hard, really, as I'm not quite prepared to take the necessary steps to start that actually happening.

In fact, truth be told, I've been regressing. But I don't think it's ENTIRELY my fault. I've even been hesitant to type out my story here, because I know that the object of my obsession reads it and I figure that if I'm not prepared to TALK to him about it, it's not quite fair to blog about it. But fuck it...this is MY space, and if he doesn't want to read it, he should stop now and go read a post about Iqualuit.

Okay...so. Where was I? Ah yes...confused, befuddled, mixed-up, pining, obsessive, and stupid. Yes, that's pretty much where I've been for the last few months.

So...how I may have messed things up. Except that one can't mess up something that doesn't exist in the first place. Can one?

Joanna's been obsessing on my behalf from the very beginning about things with Billy. She's a good friend, and a strong supporter of Things That Sadie Wants In Life. She's also a VERY good reader of people. As am I, 98% of the time. We've both got Game, and we've both got excellent skills at deciphering the intentions of people in general, and boys in particular. So she's been a strong proponent of an "Us". She was just as disappointed as I when he and I split. She (like me) didn't understand how he could have so much of a dichotomy in his words and actions with regards to me. "He's so clearly into you!"

He's had a habit of ACTING like a boyfriend, yet not being prepared to follow through. Which is fine, now, as the last time we split he said 'I don't like you like that. I don't know why, but it's just not working.' So I get that. And I've been trying to get my head wrapped around it.

It's why we didn't speak for a couple of weeks post-break. And that was very painful for me (And apparently for him, but I only know what I hear--besides, this isn't about him, it's about ME). So with extra time on my hands, I then started thinking about stuff (no good EVER comes of thinking about stuff--trust me). And through all this thinking about stuff, I decided that if I were to die tomorrow, it would be more important to me to have him in my life now in a friend capacity than to not have him in my life at all and have the End be more decisive. So I began the VERY difficult task of letting him back in a little bit, and yet trying to keep my Self pulled back to a safe distance.

That safe distance has slowly ebbed and faded. I have no distance. He's probably far closer to me now than he ever was. Which is a problem. Hell, I've seen more of him in the last month than I did the entire time we were dating. (BOTH times added together!)

I've been knowing that in order to move ahead in a new relationship, I need to stop spending so much time with Bill. He's in my conversation too much, and he's a huge part of my day every day. Much more so than he should be, if I'm actively seeking out a new relationship. Which I'm mostly not doing.

Those of you who were around the blog last summer (and those of you who want to bother with the archives) will recall that it was a summer of men. Like candy, it was, last summer. And I was loving it. Granted, I never met any I wanted to keep...but it was nice to just graze the smorgasbord that presented itself to me on an almost daily basis. I need to get back to that.

I'm too old to be doing this 'pining over lost boys' bullshit. I don't have the energy. And, if it comes down to it, I just don't have the time. My timetable is becoming increasingly shorter. As is my bullshit meter. I just don't have the tolerance I used to. But that's an entirely different post.

Anyway...I mentioned a couple of posts ago about my minor 'jealousy issues'. They're not really so minor, honestly. I'm not used to being a jealous person. And I don't like it at all. But it's that much more unpleasant and intolerable to my self when it's entirely inappropriate to feel that way.

About a month ago, my boss added Bill to his Facebook friends. And Bill added my friend Joanna. This happened within 24 hours of one another. All I saw was 'Bill and Boss are now friends' and 'Bill and Jo' are now friends. I was mad. "Why are you stealing my friends?!" Outrage ensued. "I dunno. She's kinda fun, and everybody else seemed to like her". Yeah.

I freaked out on my boss for stealing my friends. He laughed and said that if it bothered me, he'd steal more of them. That's an answer I can deal with.

Anyway...fast forward a bit to how Billy's been acting lately.

He's a decent man. He does good things. He may not even realize that what he's doing has implications. But I can't honestly believe anybody can be so obtuse as to not Get It as much as this.

He drove my drunk ass (and Jo's) home from the bar. After he came out (sober) to meet up with our drunken selves. He turned around and went home to get me a sweater when I texted him that I was cold. I asked for a specific sweater...which he brought. After turning around to get it.

He picked me up the next day and drove me to my car. This was BEYOND out of his way.

He does things like says 'I thought we should do the Cabot Trail this weekend'. (WTF?!)

He says 'we'. A lot.

He tries really hard to pay for things when it's not his turn. Like my beer when we were out with a crowd last week. I barely said more than 3 words to him last Thursday as he went down early with a bunch from work and he ended up sitting at the other end of a long bench. He settled my tab with his, even though it was my turn to pay for both of us. And my ice cream at the park, when I was perfectly capable of paying, besides which, HE DROVE. Again, way out of his way.

Yeah. And then he says stuff like this... One day his MSN tagline said something that made me ask what was wrong. What it was that had him confused as to how to proceed. He said something like 'the same old thing---girls and relationships'. I asked if he wanted to talk about it. He said 'better not'. I braced myself to hear all about a new girl...(or a crush on jo!)...but it didn't come. I explained that he could tell me anything and I'd be fine. And that the best way to proceed with something, as both he AND I were well aware, was to start with spending less time * together*. He said 'no, it's more complicated than spending less time'.

*boggle* anyway, he didn't want to get into it, and I let it lie. Because I wasn't prepared to cut the cord just yet myself. (and i'm still not, really)

I know that this doesn't seem like a lot individually. And that's how I've been trying to look at the situations. But I can't, because I have the whole series of events in front of me. And I have daily conversations to reflect upon. And 'how was your day?' (He asks me this 'because it's important!' And I do have to say—it *is*. And I like it.)

I've been trying to NOT read anything into anything and to take absolutely everything at face value. But it's hard. And it's harder when well-intentioned people, who happen to be AMAZING at reading people's actions, comment on what a dork he is because 'he's obviously in love with you'. No. He's not. He's just a good friend. (repeat seven billion times to yourself in your head. rinse. repeat until it sinks in)

He's the best friend I have. And possibly the best adult friend I've EVER had. And I don't want to let go of that part, but I know that once one of us starts seeing somebody else it has to change anyway. So it probably wouldn't be such a bad thing to start picking back the band-aid a bit now.

So...where the Facebook part comes in. Billy msg'd Jo one day, asking if I was mad at him because I'd become distant with him. She said 'no' but suggested that he talk to me about it. And that we should talk anyway.

He continues to msg her randomly. I know that the first time, he assumed she'd tell me. Because he asked me if I'd been talking to her lately. He's been asking me about her fairly often since. (leading me to believe he has a crush on her, actually) He usually only asks when he's msg'd her about something. But he asks, and tries to make it nonchalant. I'd not mentioned until tonight that I was even aware they were speaking. And THAT is when the shit hit the fan.

I was going to ask him about all of it on Sunday at the park. And I didn't. I was going to ask him a hundred times in the last 10 days, and I didn't. Because I didn’t want to know, really, what was going on.

And tonight, he asked me about Jo. While he was msging her on Facebook. Which she told me, because I was chatting with her. (He did this before and I didn't acknowledge that I was aware.) So I answered him, and then told him that if he wanted to know anything else, to ask her himself. He said ‘I don’t have her contact info’. To which I called Bullshit. I asked him if he was ‘fucking schizophrenic?’
*(did you think I'd forgotten?) (that’s why he may not show up tomorrow—he immediately clammed up with me on MSN. I hurt his feelings.)

I explained that I *knew* he’d been msging her and that I didn’t understand why he would hide something like that from me. I went on to say that he was free to talk to whomever he liked, that it had no bearing on me whatsoever, but that asking me about her while he was msging her in another window was deceitful. And that while he didn’t intend it that way, it was also quite hurtful—because I didn’t think there was any NEED to be deceitful with me. So he clammed up. He ignored me for a good 10 minutes then said ‘I’m going to bed’ and just quit out. He didn’t say ‘goodnight’ like he ALWAYS does, or ‘see you tomorrow’. I offended him…for which I apologized. But he holds a grudge a lot worse than me…and I’m a grudge holder from way back.

I just don’t know where to go from here. I feel bad, but I needed to say it. I should have waited until tomorrow though, so I could have done it more casually over beer—face to face. But I didn’t. And I will likely not get the chance now. And it’s certainly going to make the 5 hour drive to Stanfest a bit of a challenge. Oh well. Perhaps he’ll fall madly for Angela and they’ll hook up. I’ll spend all my time busy mocking them, and I’ll be SO busy mocking that I forget to be upset…because honestly? It IS that funny.

I need to rip the band-aid right off. I need to have some finality. It would, most likely, be better for him too. But I’m not ready for that. I’m not willing to do it.

I’m selfish enough to WANT my guided tour of the Cabot Trail. I WANT my best friend. I WANT someone who Gets Me like that. Even though I know that politically we’re mismatched. Socially? We’re slightly mismatched. Ethically? We’re also mismatched. (he’s so hardcore and unbending!)

I am somewhat afraid to let it go. I have been doing just fine without the physical parts. But it’s been a very long time since I was this close to anyone emotionally. Probably not since Ryan.

I was never this wrapped up in Luke. And the closest Kzelly and I got to an emotional bond was some really amazing sex, and his mom crying when I left. (yes I DID just talk about sex and his mom in the same sentence)

I really DO love him. I just need to make sure it’s not the unhealthy kind of love it has been so far. I need to make it a lot more ‘familial’ and a lot less ‘familiar’.

Because it’s NOT cool being in love with a boy who doesn’t like you ‘like that’. Even if he ACTS like he likes you ‘like that’ all the time. Because if he SAYS he doesn’t? You have to believe it. Particularly when it’s said by a boy who doesn’t waste a whole lot of words. (lather, rinse, repeat.)

So yeah. That’s where my head’s been at. Wheee. Gut-kickingly good times! (2:48 am)

3 Comments:

  • It's okay to want all those things. It's okay to want them from him.

    I won't comment on all those things I can read into his personality, even though it may explain a few things, because:

    1) I don't know him, even though I might know the type ("human", "male"); and,

    2) He's probably reading (Hi Bill), and nobody wants to be diagnosed, let alone by blog strangers. Or strange bloggers.

    By Blogger themikestand, At Thu Jun 28, 09:33:00 am  

  • Well, just spent half an hour catching up. You have been through the mill, haven't you? And back again.

    Is it any help that after an earlier, heinous WV I just got a great one? xownd

    By Blogger badgerdaddy, At Sun Jul 22, 08:25:00 pm  

  • My lord that was long! And a good break from work. And I decided to comment because maybe it's worth re-visiting--your post, I mean.

    By Blogger Orange Juice Blues, At Tue Jan 08, 05:24:00 pm  

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