Hey all--

I wasn't going to post this morning, but I'm working really hard at avoiding going in to work--so here I am!

I spent last night trying hard not to chat at Billy on MSN. I worked really hard at not stalking him on Facebook. This morning I deleted him from my MSN contacts list. I had to do it.

I know that it's the right decision, I've known it for a long time now. But when everything else was falling to shit around my ears, I was clinging to what was left of that relationship. That little bit of friendship was my anchor, my mooring. Now? I don't have that anymore.

I feel completely at a loss. I'm floating here in this limbo of a place, with no real place to belong or go for solace.

Don't get me wrong--it's been amazing how many friends have come out of the woodwork. Lynn is going to come up soon, I'm going to Tamara's this weekend for movies and the market... Christine (as usual) has really stepped in. But I still feel so alone.

I shouldn't feel any more alone than I did before, considering nothing's really changed except that I'm not messaging him. I'm not trying, anymore, to include him in my day, or to make him include me in his. He hasn't really been much of a friend for the last couple of months anyway--so I really shouldn't miss him so much. But I do. It's not just the idea of having him around--although that's part of it. It's the idea of knowing that he's NEVER going to step it up. It's very final.

I was in such a black-hole of despair here for such a long while, that I had almost forgotten what happy was like. I just started to get that back in the last week or so after getting back from Christmas. Now I feel like I'm teetering again. I'm on the edge. I need to use that 1-800 number at work. We have a really great Employee Assistance Plan, so I need to get on that and make it work for me.

I'm humiliated about my public melt-down on Saturday night. I do NOT yell. I certainly do not yell in public. And I don't hit people. Ever. My frustration level was so high that I absolutely Lost It. And that scares me.

Particularly since the part leading up to that? Had been amazing. Absolutely fantastic. Better than it's been since we got back from vacation. And then I went postal.

I have no explanation.

I'm kind of off food again...I have been for a week or so. It happens now and again. I eat, but odd things, not real meals. Last night I couldn't sleep, and this morning I can't get out of bed. I was going to go into work early, but I just REALLY don't want to be there.

...and I want to add him back on MSN just so I can see that he's still there. But I'm not going to. Because it's not good for me. I'm not ready to delete the Facebook though. I'll work at not stalking him--but I can't erase the most important person in the last 18 months of my life. Not with the push of a button. Well...I could, but I CAN'T.

Blargle--I HAVE to go get ready for work now. I wasn't early, but I sure can't be late. I updated the blogroll a bit last night, but not the way I want it. I didn't get to add in Badgerdaddy yet--or a couple of others. I'd forgotten how easy it actually is to do when you actually just sit down and do it. Frankly, HTML freaks me out so I'm always a bit scared of screwing with the template...but I've been stalking lots of you daily for the last year, it's HIGH TIME I showed you the love.

Have a happy Wednesday--