{screeeeech}

...is this thing on?

Several things.

Thing the first, Happy New Year!

Thing the second; this is the funniest thing I've read in a long, long, time. Anybody who actually SAW this speech, knows exactly how accurate it is. "-Jesus, watching Drew Barrymore give a speech is like watching a meth addict on a unicycle." (from HERE)

Thing the third; I'm moving in 2 weeks, and I've never been happier about a move in my life. Even when I was delusionally cheerful in anticipation of the move that would eventually send me into a spiral of depression, sadness, and career suicide. This time, it's because I'm moving from a teeny-tiny apartment (read: closet) into a 3-bedroom apartment which has FOUR separate closets as well as more than 18" of available counter space! And did I mention the upper cabinets in the kitchen? And that my plates no longer need to live on the top of my dresser? Yee-haw. That's all I have to say about THAT.

Thing the fourth; I got screwed over today by the girl who was going to be my room-mate at the new place. I had agreed to a roomie in order to bail her sorry butt out of a sticky situation. Then I got used to the idea of having a roomie (can we say Cheaper Rent? I knew you could!) and was actually looking forward to it. I KNOW. So today, she calls me to say "hey, going to stay here with my folks for a few more months before I move back in with the boyfriend I called you to save me from". {mutter}

Thing the fifth; I have, quite literally, thought about blogging every single day for at least the last 4 weeks. And yet, somehow, managed to not even attempt it. Twice, when opening my Bloglines, the computer managed to open my blogger homepage instead. And I managed to mutter under my breath, look guiltily away, and re-enter 'blo' in my navigator bar in order to find an escape hatch before anybody noticed I was avoiding them. I don't know why.

I read at least 50 blog posts a day, sometimes more. And yet I can't find the time or energy to create one myself. Even when I have things to say and I know I'll feel better if I spew them into the ether. (Also, my typing skills appear to have suffered as a result of the prolonged hiatus. Who'da thunk it?)

My job is the same...mundane. Ho-hum. Unchallenging. I have resolved to myself to apply for a minimum of 6 new jobs this calendar year, and to interview and receive at least one of them. That doesn't mean I have to GET a new job, but rather be offered one. Which involves interviewing. Ideally, it would be a job that I would like, enjoy, and grow to love. However, I'm equally fine with it being Chief Door Scowler at Walmart(I believe the official title is 'Greeter'.) I just have not interviewed for a RealJob^TM in 12 years, and that was for a part-time cashier position while I was at University, and I know that I need the practice so that I can achieve my ultimate goal of World Domination. I mean gainful, challenging employment.*

*If anybody can teach me the easy way to do an overstrike without having to memorize tricky HTML code, I'd be eternally grateful. Well, maybe not eternally grateful, but at least 3 weeks worth of grateful.

My dog is amazing. I can't wait to move so that he can have some space to himself, instead of his always having to be exactly where ever the heck I am. I.e. 3" behind my left ankle. Or in front of me when I'm trying to go somewhere. Or laying in front of the stove while I try to cook supper. Oh yes, he'll have HIS OWN ROOM. Not that I expect him to hang out in it, but MAN is it going to be good to have some extra space again.

The dog is the only thing that has gotten me out of bed some mornings. And even then, I still feel guilty that I make him wait for me so he can have a walk. He should be getting more exercise, as should I. But I'm not. And last Saturday (2 ago, I worked this one) I slept for 12 hours straight. When I had laid down for a 15 minute nap. So yeah. Things ain't completely right in Whoville.

I am actually concerned enough to make a doctor's appointment for this week, as I've also felt muscle twitches in my chest. Not spasms or anything like that, but more of a skin-twitch. But it's WEIRD. And while not unpleasant, per se, rather unusual. So yeah. I'll be doing something about these things this week.

I had one hell of a cold last week, misery and snot abounded. Preceded by an inordinate number (odd thought, that. How does one get an inordinate ordinal? Probably from a non-gambling cardinal.) of headaches. I don't generally get headaches, so I really noticed them. All in the week after New Year's. Like I said, odd. But meh. No biggie.

Billy quit smoking--and I'm so proud of him. I know it's damned near impossible for him, as he's been doing it so long. And the boredom and depression make it an extra difficult challenge. I'm SO proud of him.

DD is good--still living too far away. The Child is apparently doing well at school, but is still reluctant to leave the house. He turned 16 at the beginning of December and took the morning off to get his beginner's permit. He then proceeded to not ask to drive for over a month. His father kept trying to goad him into driving, and The Child kept coming up with reasons that he shouldn't. I suggested DD should leave the kid the fuck alone, and he'd come around on his own.

I was correct.

(See how that warranted its own paragraph? Yeah. I'm THAT kind of non-parent.)

However, the kid is still not driving much, and is opting to not leave the house very often. Even when the guys from school ask him to go out and do stuff. And right now, he's not even fascinated by his video games. So I suggested that this behaviour is not 100% the norm, and perhaps it was time for a friendly visit to the family doctor. Depression is a scary thing, and is a known side-effect of The Child's asthma meds. And it's not normal for 16 year old boys to avoid the opportunity to avoid their parents by hanging out at the mall and flirting with 16 year old girls. Or at least act like morons and wonder why the girls like the older boys. ;)

I wish that I'd gotten off my arse at 10:00 and started this post instead of waiting until almost 1 am. Because now it's damned near 2 am, and I'm pooped. Not to mention that I have to get up in 6 hours. Fwah.

Oh yes....the poor life decisions portion of this post. So after I got screwed over by the almost-but-not-quite-yet roommate, I was a bit put out. I had been contemplating my options: a) go roomie-less and enjoy the solitude and spaciousness of my new abode; b) move into the place, then advertise on Kijiji or FB for a stranger that I could lay out steel-clad rules for; or c) search for an acquaintance that I could stand for a short period of time. I hadn't come up with a solution by the time my shift was over.

I was locking up, talking to DD on the phone, and saying goodbye to everyone as they left (I'm a multi-tasker, what can I say?) when 2 of the newer associates were heading out. "G'night Sadie, G'night Sadie's Beau!" (She too, is a Sadie. What are the odds?! I refer to her as "Other-Sadie". So do her co-workers. I find it amusing.) Anyway, I'm not sure how it started out, but basically she said they may be moving back to Newfoundland. I said "HUH?!?" as they just moved here a few months ago so they could attend school.* As it turns out, their student loans are not coming through as promised. I knew OS (Other-Sadie) had been waiting a long time for hers, but as I too had waited a long, long time for mine, I figured it would eventually come through.

It didn't.

Or rather, it did, but in a much smaller number than she had first been told. They re-assessed her parents incomes, and she was given a much smaller amount based on that reassessment. Her Beau (OSB - heh) received his whole amount, but as his program is available back in NF, and hers is not, he doesn't need to be here for school. So if she doesn't come up with the cash for tuition, she's going to have to move home. And he'll go with her and go to school back on the island. (Her parents aren't in any position to help her out financially, not even by co-signing a loan or a line of credit for her.)

I know how stressed OS is about this, as I nearly starved once upon a time when I was trying to go to school here in NS. It SUCKS. I asked them, quite impetuously I might add, what their rent was, and if cheaper rent would help pay tuition. She said $800/month, which she'd told me before, but I forgot. So I said, "I'm moving in 2 weeks into a 3 bedroom, and it'll be too big for me. So if it'll help, you're welcome to move in with me there, and it would only be $500 instead. So you could stay in school."

What in sweet Jesus' name was I thinking?! I don't want one room-mate, let alone TWO.

But I also really like these 2 kids. They're sweet, and polite, and hard-working, and responsible. And I hate to see ANYBODY drop out of school when it's something they're passionate about. And OS really loves massage therapy. (I know, I know. What the hell?! But she really does love it. Not my cup of tea, but hell--it's a career, and it's a portable skill-set.)

So yeah. Tomorrow I'm going to call her to make sure she knows I mean/t it--and that I'd really rather she take me up on it than she give up on school. School's only 6 months, and I can do anything short-term. I think.

We shall see, anyway. So yeah, my big mouth was writing cheques again. Here's hoping I live to cash this one in.

On the tail end of that lovely story, I'm finally heading to bed. It's 2:11 am, and long since time I was asleep.

I've missed you, poppets. Hopefully it won't be so long again, this time around. Happy Tuesday! :)


*ridiculously overpriced private college

Not quite Thirstday.

Firstly, it's Movember. That means that you guys should be getting your 'stache on, and you ladies should be tolerant if you start seeing a bit more upper lip lint in the days to come. (I can't put in hyper links here-so go to www.movember.com ). (or go over to www.themikestand.com and he'll give you the correct link). (and while you're over there, sponsor Mike-he tries hard to grow his and though the results are sparse it's the effort and the money that count. So pledge big, and pledge often!). (this is the last set of brackets-i just felt like adding one more. Just for kicks.)

I went to see Where The Wild Things Are tonight and it was lovely. Fun story, good adaptation, great puppets, and excellent company. Billy and I went tonight because I'm tied up tomorrow and we both wanted to see it. Funnily enough, it's the first time we've ever gone to the movies together. We laughed and laughed. Good show.

The Princess of The Universe is in Halifax this week, and I'm hoping to meet up with her before she has to head back to Winterpeg. We shall see. I'll have to add the link in tomorrow with the edit, because again with the lack of hyper links that shout-out is somewhat lame.

Bedtime for now. Work at 7. Court at 7pm. Fun times.

Have a happy day, my lovelies! :)


Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

oh my.

Firstly, don't put too much pepper in your scall0ped potatoes. Trust me. There's a point, when you're shaking the pepper shaker over top of the milky-onion mixture, making a roux, when you say to yourself: "Self! That is too much pepper! Be careful!" and you say "Self, shut up. You don't know what you're saying! You know I love pepper!" I'm saying--LISTEN TO YOUR SELF. IT'S TOO MUCH PEPPER!

Secondly, life sucks sometimes.

Thirdly, don't spend 2 days stuck inside your own head. It's dangerous for your mental health. I mean it. Trust me on this one too. I'm smart, I can be trusted. Besides which, the voice of experience should always be heeded. (Harkened to?)

Fouthly, Fuck. It's raining outside.

Fifthly, at least it's not fucking snowing.

Sixthly, Thirstdays are the best day ever.

Seventhly, I'm an awful girlfriend and you should never date me. I'm filled, nay riddled, with angst. And questions. And confusion. I'm not to be dated. Trusted? Sure. I'm waaaaay trustworthy. But dates are out of the question.

Eighthly, I think I'm drunk. Otherwise I'm confused as to why the monitor is so difficult to manoeuvre.

Ninthly, I can't be that drunk--I spelled manoeuvre correctly. Twice. Rock on.

Tenthly, go me!

Eleventhly, is it wrong that the only person you feel you can talk to in the whole wide world is either a) your ex-boyfriend or b) a bunch of strangers on the interweb?

(i'm running out of the ability to count--just sayin'...)

Twelvthly, (or twelvethly?) Biggest Loser Australia? WTF?

Thirteenthly, it is apparent that eventually spellcheck gives up on you. It feels that you are incorrigible and don't deserve suggestive underlines. Well, I have one thing to say. Fuck you, Spell Check. I do too know how to spell my name. And what's more, I know how to spell colour. That U is important to me, dammit. And you, are not. So there. Take that. Now CRY, BABY!

Fourteenthly, It's okay. I think I'm fine now that I got that off my chest. Thanks for listening.

Fifteenthly, Thirstday is awesome. Particularly when Roger is playing solo. He's amazing. I Heart him muchly.

You all know how it goes. The longer you don't do this, the harder it gets to do.

I sent a big post from my new toy (my crack-berry) but for some reason, the internet has ceased functioning on that toy. I need to go in and complain to someone, but a) finding the time and b) finding the energy to do so is a real challenge on most days.

I'm in the worst shape of my life, and yet I have no time in which to do anything about it. I've made a commitment to myself to purchase less crap at the store, and to give in less often to the cravings that are making me pudgy. I'm bigger than I've ever been, and while that is still not 'big' by most people's standards, it's disgustingly oblong by my own. I don't generally judge others, but Boy-oh-boy do I judge me.

I went out tonight with Billy and Brent for an early Thirstday. I had to skip last week. I couldn't imagine going three weeks without Thirstday, so I had to make sure I went out tonight. Tracey and Brent are home from Edmonton, but Trace wasn't feeling well--so even though we'd been planning the get-together for a month, she didn't come. I went anyway, even though I was imposing a little on the boys' time together. Bill said it was okay, so I can only assume that he'd actually tell me if it wasn't. It's funny, so long as I've known him...I still don't know if that's true or not. I THINK that it is...but I'm not sure. Oh well. I'm kind of glad of that, to be completely honest. I like that he'd still be concerned about my feelings.

DD and the boy-child are coming to Hali for the weekend, so they arrive tomorrow after school. Christine and her hubby are also coming to the city for some wheelchair basketball and some R&R. I'm excited to see them both, even if it's just for a few hours over the course of the weekend. I am glad to have the company of people that I love over the weekend.

Trace & Brent are heading to Mabou for some visits and festivities, and Billy's heading up there too. My feelings are a little bit hurt that I wasn't invited, but I had plans anyway and couldn't have gone. But it would have been an honour just being nominated, if you catch my drift. Anyway, bygones.

It'll be interesting having a kid around for the weekend, considering it's Easter. It'll also be interesting to see how DD reacts to me heading to church on Sunday. He hasn't yet experienced me ditching him asleep so I can head off and pray with a bunch of strangers. Likely as not, he'll find it uber-odd. I wonder if Chrissy will come with me to the home of the Anglicans, or if she'll head to the Pentecostal festivities. We shall see. :)

Anyway, I miss you guys. So I'm working on it...honest. And if I ever manage to get the crackberry fixed, I'll send you my lame-o post from traffic court last week.

Happy Wednesday--and Happy Thirstday--all at once. :)

Hi. :)

I suck. I'm aware.

Painfully aware. One day, I'll detail it all. Now? Not so much.

I keep WANTING to blog. I keep NEEDING to blog. And I keep NOT doing it. So here goes. Breaking the silence. :)

I'm living in Halifax again, and happy as a pig in mud about that.

I've had an offer on the house, and we close on the 4th of March. WOOT!

Sadly, I'm not nearly ready to be moving away from there. I'm SOOOO over Amherst, but yet not ready to be leaving my beautiful little house.

And the boy is too far away. Because I've moved away. And that's hard to get used to again. And I don't really want to. But I also don't know that I'm prepared to do anything about it...because I'm not prepared to move again. And I don't want him to move. Sad, but true.

I've had a particularly crap-tastic week, but what's become crazily evident is what amazing friends I have, particularly in Billy. I'm a VERY lucky woman.

I'm baking cookies. The house smells yummy. I'm having some tea, then off to bed. :)

And I'm so glad to be back and have broken the silence again. Hi. :)

So much..

...has happened, transpired, and taken place over the last 2 months.

I've gone home, twice. I've been to 3 weddings. I've gone trick-or-treating, thrown a surprise birthday party for my mom, seen my prodigal sister for the first time in 7 years, moved back to Halifax, put my house up for sale, and been invited to move across the country with a boy--should his current career aspirations work out as planned. I've also taken a leave from work for two weeks, screwed my career, and decided that it is better to be happy than to be important.

I've been busy.

Sometimes too busy to write, sometimes too overwhelmed. But here I am now.

I've missed my best friend, and was very excited to be in a place where I could get that friendship back...and now, it appears to have derailed itself. I've been deleted from MSN. And it makes me very sad. Ah well. This too, shall pass.

I've missed you too. And I can't wait to be able to tell you, again, what's been going on with me. But for now, suffice to say that I'm home again, and I didn't think I could be this happy to be here.

Hi honeys, I'm home. :)

Breaking the silence.

I've been wanting to post every day for a month now. But I have not, for one reason or another.

Things have been great. Fantastic, actually. So much to tell...I'll catch up one of these days.

Short versions?

Billy finally came to see the house. It was good. He apologized for being an ass last fall/winter. I accepted the apology. We sat, and talked, and cried, and talked, and held, and we're good.

Christine and Bob came to visit! I got to see them, reconnect with Christine, get to know the kids a bit...it was awesome.


My dog has adjusted and loves me more than breathing. I love him back.

Darwin-


DD is very much a part of my day-to-day. It's odd for me, but nice. He's so attentive. I really like his kid. It scares the hell out of me--because I'm afraid to frig things up. I'm afraid to become too involved, in case it doesn't work out. I'm afraid of having to break up with BOTH of them. Hell, I dated a guy for an extra YEAR in high school because my sister loved him so much--I didn't know how to break him up from my family!

Anyway...I'm happy. I had a great weekend this weekend--the boys stayed at my house because the Child had a regatta in Shediac this weekend and my place is closer than theirs. It was really, really nice having them both in my space. It was cozy, and felt like it was supposed to be that way. Scary stuff.


I went out with Caileen & Jane's daughter last night, and had a blast. We all got trashed. DD offered, before i went out, to come fetch me if I needed a ride. I was surprised, as nobody has ever offered this before.

So...i called. And he came to get me. And he was a good sport. And he stayed up and listened to me gabble for a bit after. And then we slept. And it's so nice having him in my space.

Anyway--that's it for now. I can barely keep my eyes open.

Until more updates-- enjoy some photos.

This is a long one!

There has been so much going on lately, that I just really haven't had time to post. I should have been, because God knows I won't remember half of it in a month...but them's the breaks sometimes, I guess.

I've had two absolutely fantastic weekends off in a row. Two weekends ago, I went for an immersion weekend at the Gaelic College at St.Ann's, in Cape Breton. I met up with Billy in Truro and we car-pooled, which was nice. Shay, B-A and Pat all drove up together much earlier in the day. The Saturday wasy Billy's birthday, so we sang to him in Gaelic. B-A and Shay brought him a cake. I was very glad that they did, because I had planned to do the same thing and failed miserably at that mission.

I'd stayed up late on Wednesday to bake cupcakes, but ended up not doing it. I was going to do that on Thursday, but then DD came by and I didn't. I was up much too late yet again.* So Friday right after my JA class, I hurried through my P&L statement and then hit the road. I forgot to stop at the store for a cake. I was glad that the others had done it.

We drank a lot, sang a lot, and learned a lot. I learned how to Strip the Willow. I did so with my new friend Reji, who is in a wheelchair. It was a whole heck of a lot of fun spinning in circles and dancing the longest square-set in the history of man.

I met an amazing old man, Peter-Jack MacLean. He's 94 and he is in love with me. I spent quite some time chatting with him and listening to his stories. He is a fascinating man...and he stayed up until 1:45 with us on Saturday night--and was disappointed when we were packing up to go back to the room! He lives on Christmas Island, and I have an open invitation to visit any time I like. I am going to do so on my next weekend off, I think. I'm looking forward to it quite a lot.

The following week was good, mostly. Work was crummy, but tolerable. No big visits, but a lot of threats of corporate visits--so there was a lot of scrambling to ensure we were ready. I managed to hold onto my post Great-Weekend glow until some time into Wednesday, so things were good.

This past weekend was my birthday weekend. I was hoping for a wild road-trip adventure...but nobody was available to go with me. So I ended up in Halifax, and man, did I have a great time.

I was about to become slightly depressed that I had no place to go--my plans changed from wild, road-trip adventure to staying home, cleaning my house and unpacking boxes adventure. How sad. I was talking to Scoot (my old boss), and he said 'go to Halifax. You were going to pay for an hotel anyway--so do it here, and hang out with your friends. People want to see you--just because you feel like a mooch, doesn't mean other people think you are one.' So I did.

I had taken the Friday (my actual birthday!) off, and did a few domestic things at home that made me actually feel like it was my house. I put up a new towel bar and took down the brass one that looked like bamboo stalks. I put up the matching toilet paper dispenser. I took down the manky soap dish and toothbrush holder. I felt productive. It was great.

I declared the weekend to be a Pants-Free Weekend. I wore nothing but skirts and dresses all weekend. It was fabulous, and I do have to say, I looked incredible for most of the weekend. *flex*

Anyway...the Friday night, I didn't sleep in my hotel bed. I got totally trashed. I had sex. I had sex with someone WAAAAAAY younger than me. I, am officially a cougar. Or creepy--I'm not sure which. 13 years is quite a big gap...Yikes. But hey...it's true, so Meh. It was fun. And he started it. I simply participated. Well--not so simply, but whatever. *grin*

There's a TON more stuff...and I'll write it down, because it bears knowing and documenting. It was FUN...but I want to get to the newest turns of events.

Um...So for my birthday, on Thursday, I went in to work and found an envelope on my desk containing a card. DD had sent me via expresspost a birthday card. It was incredibly thoughtful. Even more-so was the fact that he also got me 2 tickets to the Sadies at the Marquee on the 30th of May. Woot! Not necessary, but really very thoughtful.

Moreso, even, because it was the only card I received prior to my birthday. My mom's card showed up on Monday. Which was still lovely, but late.

I got 2 cards this year. I had an absolutely fantastic time out, and some of my favourite people were there--so I had an overall incredible day.

So...DD. A whole 'nother story there.

He was here on Tuesday night. We were up too late. He finally got the balls to say that he likes me. Except...wow, did he say it. And I'm not sure how I want to proceed, honestly. I'll have to fill you in on this stuff tonight...because I have to get going right now.

But I really need to look at the fact that some really amazing men have fallen for me in my life--and try to figure out exactly why that is--and why they do it at the most inappropriate points in time.

Anyway. I kissed two men within a week. It's almost like the Summer of Sadie revisited. And maybe it will be. But sheesh. Too many difficult decisions.

Blah, this post was disjointed and long, but at least I got the block out of the way, and can get back to my routine a bit.

I have had a couple of really fantastic weekends--and a couple of really absolute shit-tastic days at work this week--and I'm still standing. So I guess we'll see what happens from here. *grin*

Happy Friday, poppets. Sorry I disappeared. I won't let it happen like that again.

What a lovely weekend. :)

Friday at the school went well. I held it together right up until the end of the hour, at which point I realized I hadn't come up with any sort of summary or logical termination point for the lesson. Oopsie. Lucky for me the kids had to rush off to an assembly, so I had them put their desks back, gather the name cards, and then I was done. It was a whole lot of fun, and I'm looking forward to this week again.

One little girl complimented my shoes. I was expecting this, as grade 6 girls tend to always compliment something that the classroom visitor has/brings/wears. But this was not the usual 'you're pretty' kind of compliment, or 'I like your shoes!'. It was 'Hey! Where'd you get your shoes?' I replied with, 'I think I got these ones at Payless...' "Oh. That's all the way in Moncton." So I think that was a compliment, followed by disappointment when she realized she'd have to enlist help to go purchase some of her own. Ah well. My Chucks ARE cool. So there.

Friday night I was supposed to go to a concert in SJ with DD--but I did not. I encouraged him to be a responsible adult and do work and be home earlyish on Friday night, as he had to work in F'ton on Saturday morning at 7am. Would have made attending a concert until 3 not such a wise move. Something *I* would do, even.

Instead, I went for beer with Caillean here in town. We went to the pub that I usually go to, had a couple of drinks and some skins, and a lovely little visit. I was home and in bed by 1:30, which was a nice change.

Saturday morning I was going to go into Halifax for a Gaelic day, but when the alarm went off at 5:40 am, I looked menacingly at it, and said 'fuck it'. I rolled over, and reawakened at 11:40 am. It was a GREAT sleep.

I spent Saturday afternoon cruising around being domestic. I went to check out the competition in town, they were not busy. They were also very messy and not very well stocked. That was kind of a nice little present to my ego. Then, my butt and I went to visit some furniture at Sears. We agreed that only one of the sofas was even remotely comfortable, and that it was still rather ugly. My butt and I then left.

We went to Canadian Tire to look around, particularly at mitre saws. I didn't see any there that I liked (i.e. were a good enough bargain!). Again, my butt decided to test out some patio furniture. We, my butt and I, agreed on one particular set that was both stylish AND comfortable...but we also agreed that it was a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a patio set. It comes with an 'outdoor' La-Z-Boy recliner. Who the hell needs one of those?! The set, 2 chairs (1 a la-z-boy), a love-seat and a coffee table of dubious stability for the bargain price of only $1400. Not in this lifetime.

I went to work to pick up some materials. I had some actual home improvements that needed doing. I bought myself a mitre saw from the clearance table, a DeWalt 10" Compound Mitre Saw with a dust bag, and a free palm sander. For only $200. I rock.
I also picked up some 2x4s, a quarter sheet of plywood, some paint, and some electrical box covers. In order to be in compliance with my insurance company's arbitrary demands, I had to do a few things. Oh yes, and I also, finally, bought myself a propane tank so that I can use my BBQ! Woot!


I built a railing. Isn't it lovely?

I also installed covers on some junction boxes in my garage, as well as painted a sheet of plywood with which to cover up the window next to my oil pipe. Apparently you're not allowed to have an operable window within 3 feet of an oil intake. Which is okay, as the window doesn't open. But the insurance company was convinced that it does, so I had to cover it up, take its photo, and send it away.

I felt like I was channeling Bob Villa all day. It was great. And then I BBQd some chicken for supper...so good.

Saturday night was a bit melancholy, as I had no plans and nothing to do. I wanted to go out, but such is life in Amherst. I talked very briefly to Billy on MSN--he's in another one of his non-communicative states--and we both ended up staying home not doing much of anything.

Sunday morning I managed to sleep in again. It was great. I hauled bricks and built tables in the greenhouse at work all afternoon, thankfully with the help and assistance of 4 other people. At 4, we came home. At that point, I came home and began tidying here. I was running the sink for dishes, and contemplating supper, when the phone rang. It was DD. He had said he might be out and about on his motorcycle and would help move bricks if in town. (which in passive-crush speak is 'i'm looking for an excuse to come see you, and am prepared to move bricks in order to do it'--I guess that's not such a bad thing. But.)

Anyway, I fed him BBQ steak and made him help me move furniture. He crashed in the spare room again because the temperature dropped so quickly in the evening and it would have been ridiculously cold on the bike. He lives 2.5 hours away.

Funny that someone would travel 2.5 hours to move heavy things in order to spend time with me, when the guy I was dating for the last year wouldn't even drive 2 hours to see my new house or get laid. Feh.

What else...yesterday. Monday.

The trees and shrubs began to show up at the store. I helped to unload about half a truck of trees.

Ache? Holy moly do I ache. I ached last night, so I had a nice hot shower when I got home. I sat all night and did nothing, I was so tired. And this morning? I'm still achy but am having a very hard time getting motivated to do much of anything.

Anyway...time for work.

It was a lovely weekend of home improvement, my dining room looks like a ROOM now, my portable washing machine is now in the basement where it belongs, my bookcase is in the hallway, and my side-board is in the dining room. You know, it is almost starting to feel like a home. Gotta be careful of that! *heh*

Happy Tuesday!

Poor life decisions are fun!

Tom Fun was awesome on Saturday night. :) The show was great--the opening band, The Stance, was okay. Good, talented, but not really 'special'--they sounded an awful lot like Sloan. The best song they did was the last one, and it was a cover-tune. Granted, they rocked it seriously, but it wasn't their own song so it hardly counts.

I nearly didn't get to go because I ended up not having a place to stay. Steve had a date, and Duffy was having a party. The whole 'finding a place to stay' business is a real pain in the ass.

Anyway, I got home from an absolutely exhausting day at work on Saturday and logged into my MSN. I was about to go shower when Billy msg'd me. 'Shouldn't you have left by now?!'

I said I didn't think i was going to be able to go since I didn't have a place to stay. He offered to let me stay with him if I wanted. I said 'are you sure?' He said yes, so I said 'Thanks, I will!'

He was going to meet up with some guys from work at Shane's house first, and invited me to meet him there first if I wanted. As it turned out, the guys all bailed and Billy was wandering around downtown waiting for the bar to open when I hit town.

We parked the vehicular, and went to the club. At the club we chatted, and commenced beveraging.

The shows were awesome...I danced and danced. Billy even danced, and he generally doesn't. Shows what the gin will do to you! *laugh*

After, we cabbed it back to Darkness and commenced the search for food. I had a cookie dipped in peanut butter. Also a finger dipped repeatedly in peanut butter. Good thing I'm cute or people wouldn't put up with that shit. *grin* Billy had a piece of cold pizza. We'd have eaten more, but his cupboards were a bit bare from cleaning out his fridge earlier in the week. He's just as lazy as I am at the basic housekeeping tasks.

I played 2 notes on his mandolin! It was fun, but I wasn't any good at it. Not having any sensation except pain in my forefinger makes it difficult to press down the strings properly. He played me a song on his guitar, then fiddled around on his mandolin himself. Finally, around 3:30 it was time for sleep.

I said 'I'll need a blanket or something' then I went in to the bathroom. I came out, and it was dark. I said 'Hey! it's dark!' He turned his lamp back on.

I said 'where am I supposed to sleep?'

'You can sleep here, if you want.'

'Umm...'

(I didn't say this post was full of great choices! I said it was full of fun!)

'Alright, hang on with the light then.' I got out my jammies, and went to change into them in the other room. I climbed into bed, and the light went back out.

Billy has a single bed, so I'm sure I've mentioned before that I never really had a good sleep when we shared. I sleep on my left side, curled up, so I was facing into the middle of the bed. Not really an issue, he was facing the other side. We were not touching. It was going to be fine.

He rolled over to face me.

He reached out for me and hung a leg over mine.

I feel it necessary to mention at this point that we had both been drinking copiously. Not that it makes any difference, you don't do things drunk you wouldn't do sober, you just do them sooner.

I said 'Will we be okay if I do something really stupid?'

He laughed and said 'what? What kind of stupid thing were you going to do?' He was truly puzzled.

'I think we'd be okay if I did something really stupid. I hope we will, anyway.'

'Seriously, what are you talking about?' (Keep in mind that he was still hugging me at this point.)

I said, 'something like this'...and kissed the heck out of him.

'Oh. That. Uh...'

There was much smooching, and nearly 3 hours of the hottest sex I've ever had in my life. Seriously, it was so good I thought about it all the way home on my drive on Sunday. And Sunday night, and yesterday. And...for a while to come, I'm sure.

Shame it took so long to be able to get to that point.

In the morning when we woke up, we didn't snuggle or have an instant replay. I would have very much enjoyed a replay, but we didn't. I did manage to play by myself for a few minutes while he was in the bathroom, but it wasn't the same.

Sunday morning we cabbed back over to get his car, then went to Spartan for breakfast. He dropped me at my truck, and we left it quite casually. We didn't hug goodbye, which could be a step backwards from where we were last time, but it's likely a better choice for that day.

We've chatted since on MSN. Not about that, but we seem to be fine.

I know that it was a poor choice. I know that we are not in a place where we will ever be able to do 'casual'. But we seem to have pulled it off for the moment. I don't know.

I THINK that my heart is okay. I really do, so since these things always cost somebody, I'm wondering how his is doing. Not that it's any of my business or any of my concern. Anyway, I had an absolutely fantastic weekend--it was great to hang out with a good friend and not think about work. It was even better to dance and be silly with a good friend, and even better still to get some crazy-good action!

Happy Monday. :)

Woot!

Tom Fun tonight at the Marquee!

Throw caution to the wind! Sleep on your ex-boyfriend's floor! Drink enough so you don't mind! Woot!

:-)

Ah yes...be sure there will be follow-up information tomorrow. Oh yes, I'm sure there will.

I.O.U.

I owe you a big long post catching you up on all the wonderful and not so wonderful things that have happened this past week.

I've had an amazingly busy week, which is why I haven't updated. I didn't realize that it's been an entire week.

Short version:

Tuesday: Party went really well--everyone was happy. The food, for some reason, came in $120 less than they quoted us. *boggle* I paid in cash, and gave them a $50 gift card to use as a staff incentive at their own function. I figured it was the right thing to do.

Wednesday: DD came by and cooked me supper in my own kitchen. DELISH. He crashed in my spare room.

Thursday: DD came by again. We visited. I was exhausted and had work to do. Kicked him out at 2. Offered either futon, or get out. It was much more polite, but really...shit or get off the pot.

Friday: Went to Halifax. Went for Thirstday with Billy. Had a wonderful time. Stayed up FAAAAR too late gabbing. Slept 3 hours at the hotel, and then worked Saturday at 7:45 am.

Saturday: Worked all day at old store. Used term 'worked' lightly. It was a lovely day. Then got haircut at 4:30 -- last one for a year until hairdresser returns from Australia. Visited Heidi and her odd little baby until 8:30. Picked up Alicia, and went to a party. Stayed up until 3:00 when I crashed hard on Morgan's futon. (Who's Morgan? Exactly.)

Sunday: breakfast, then came home. Did work all afternoon. Slept.

Monday: worked, worked, and more worked. Slept.

Tuesday: Worked, worked, and more worked. Slept.

Wednesday: worked, worked, and more worked. Brought home a crapload of work. Between 5 and 10 pm got called back to work 3 times. As a result, I didn't accomplish much of the work that I brought home to do.

This brings us to the point of this post.

I am grateful for Billy. I am grateful for having a friend who listens and picks up the phone, and makes me not feel like a complete and utter failure for being overwhelmed, and sad, and lonely.

Today was okay, but tonight was complete and utter shite.

I'm disappointed in Tracey. She hasn't returned any of my calls since February. I have a lot of acquaintances, but not a lot of friends. I don't let people in easily...so when I do, they matter to me. And when I do, I hope that they'll be there for me like I've been there for them. So yeah...I'm sad and disappointed in her.

I was very sad that I went through my whole phone list and didn't have anybody that I wanted (or felt that I could) call to just sob at and look to for comfort. The only person other than Tracey was Billy, and I wasn't about to call him.

Until I was online, snivelling. And he asked what was wrong, and I told him. And I was bawling as I typed. For no real reason, even, that I can tell. Just overwhelming sadness and loneliness.

So I DID call him. Because I needed more of a connection with another human being than MSN could provide me. And it was wonderful. *HE* was wonderful. He listened. He comforted. And he encouraged me to walk away. Now, I know that I can't do that. But I know that I can take steps.

He even mentioned a job that he'd seen that I may be qualified for. So he's going to send it to me tomorrow. Because I really DO need to do something else.

But anyway. It was nice to have someone to lean on. And I thanked him. And I apologized--'it's not your responsibility to listen to me. It's not your job anymore. It's not fair for me to do this to you.' "I'm glad you called me. I *LIKE* to do it. I miss it."

And Shoe sent me an email on FB telling me I was wonderful. Which was really nice. Because back when he knew me? I was. It made me smile. :)

I'll fill in the details later--because the rest of the week, while intense, was rather marvellous. It was just tonight that was utter bollocks. And tomorrow will be better.

So my point?

I am grateful for having true friends. And for finding the nerve to pick up the phone when I needed them. I'm grateful for the boy, even if he's not *my* boy anymore.

Oh my.

First, let me begin by saying... Happy Easter!

Then...let me follow up with Happy Belated Saint Patrick's Day!

I didn't go out on St.Paddy's day after all, which was a good thing overall. I had decided that I wasn't going to go if/when DD called, so when he called with apologies that work had waylaid him, I didn't even have to feel bad about it.

It was good too, because I was still physically pooped from my weekend last weekend. Which I have to say, I've been dwelling on in my mind quite a bit this week.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what was said between Billy and I, and trying to reconstruct the pieces that are woefully absent from my memory banks. I blame that part on the lack of sleep, as I choose to not believe that for the first time ever my poor memory of a specific event is alcohol induced. But in addition to that, I've been thinking about how much I need a vacation. And how much fun the last one was. And wondering if it'd be okay to broach the idea of another roadtrip in the next couple of months or so. I'm still just pondering--but I REALLY need a vacation--and the last one was a riot. We'll see. I don't know if I'm that brave/stupid/healed yet. Well I do. No/yes/hells no. Heh.

Um...worked all week. Was supposed to be off Saturday--worked. Worked Friday too. The guys were in to wax the floors at work, so we had to move all the freight off the floor on Thursday night. I had to let the guys into the store on Friday morning at the crack of dawn--then go back a couple of times.

I was going to go back at lunch time, but I got a little side-tracked. I had decided to make stew for supper--so got chopping and boiling. It was well on its way to being delicious, when I decided to make a smothie for my lunch.

I've been on a bit of a smoothie kick the last couple of days. I had one at Tamara's a couple of months ago, and it was delicious. Ever since I've been coveting a mini-blender. I bought one of those hand-whizzers early in the week. It's a PC one, and it comes with a mini-chopper for doing veggies, as well as a beaker-type cup for making shakes and such. I have been eating ice-cream, OJ, and frozen raspberry smoothies all week. DELICIOUS.

So I was making one. It was kinda huge. I was kinda hungry. I pulled out the whizzer from the cup. I pulled out the plug from the wall. I stuck my finger in to wipe out all the extra berry goo, and apparently there was still some dormant power in there. And also, apparently, I managed to squeeze the button as I was poking. So Yeah. I'm a moron. A moron with stitches. But thankfully still with all her finger bits. I'll post a photo of my bandage tomorrow--and the wound itself on Wednesday when I get to take the bandage off.

I'm a genius.

Friday I was here--save the 2.5 hours at the hospital (pretty good for stitches on a holiday!). Saturday (my day off) I worked for 4 hours putting stock away that had been moved on Thursday. I then came home, frigged around, had a nap, then headed to Halifax to chill with Duffy and his buddies. Steve was still in NF for his granny's funeral.

We headed out to the Lower Deck (my HappyPlace*TM*) for some fun. I'd had a tylenol with codeine (just OTC T-ones) at 7:30, and didn't have a drink until 10 at Duff's. Then, when we got to the bar, I had another. I was starting a third when I began to feel like absolute crap. I just couldn't make my way through the bottle. Anyone who knows me, knows this is NOT usually an issue.

I felt nauseous, but not pukey. I felt just generally out of sorts. I wanted to stand. But I wanted to sit. By 11:30 I just wanted to die. I had gone upstairs with Cal*lan at one point to look for the others. There was nobody around, so we danced to one song. I couldn't stay moving for more than that. Anybody who knows me, knows that this also is not normal. I'm a dancing MACHINE.

I went back downstairs to see the band. Coming around the staircase, I bumped into the newel and grazed my rib. Today? I have an enormous bruise. Apparently I didn't just 'graze' it so much as pile into it. Oh well.

A man standing next to me at the back of the room began some idle bar-chatter. I was trying hard to be polite and cheerful, but I was dizzy. And sweating. Sweating, I say! Ridiculous. I knew I was in rough shape.

The problem comes here--I was staying at Duffy's. Duffy, who I know only slightly, through Steven. And they were loaded and having a good time.

The lower portion was closing and everyone headed upstairs to dance. I went up, but couldn't see them, so I went downstairs to talk to my friend who happened to be the coat-check girl. This way I could have lots of fresh air, not be crowded, but also not miss anybody should they decide to leave.

Anyway, I was there until about 2. At this point the bar was closing, I was feeling slightly better, and I went up to find the boys & girls. On the way home we stood briefly in line at Cheers, and also at the Alehouse. Then we had horrible pizza, and went home.

I felt so much better at this point, that sleep was good.

The lesson, boys and girls? Beer and codeine don't mix. Even if the codeine should have worn off by the time you drink the beer, and you don't have much beer anyway. Because wanting to die isn't a fun feeling. Just sayin'.

Today was a great day--beautiful drive home, got here early-ish, baked some delicious new muffins, avoided doing any work at all (BAAAAAD); and finally, although I put it off all day long, blogged.

I don't know why I have had such a block about it all week. I've had time. I've been bored, in fact. I've been stalking all of YOUR blogs. I just have not had the oomph to post myself. I've *wanted* to--just not really known where to begin, I guess.

Part is likely that things are still shit at work, and I am tired of dwelling on that. Part is that I've been very introspective all week, and have been thinking a lot about things I know I shouldn't. I've been thinking about things that are necessary changes, as well as things I'd like to see magically improve. I have been trying to come up with some goals--I haven't had any for a while now, and I need some focus in my life.

I read 2 books this week. That was a hugely positive change. I haven't read for pleasure since Christmas. I missed it. It also challenged my brain in a way that managed to keep me away from my internet connection for a while.

To be honest, I know that the net is sucking out my brains and all of my free time. I'm seriously considering a semi-boycott. I'm considering cutting out my FBook addiction, as well as my blog reading. I'd keep the blog, and a reduced daily reading list. I don't know if I can stick with it or not, but I know that the last 2 weeks that I've been 'appearing offline' on MSN and not keeping the crack-book logged in in the background I've gotten a lot more accomplished at home. It seems that the second I power up the laptop, I lose 4 hours. It's not good.

As I said though, I'm just considering right now. I need to give it some more thought.

Ho hum :)

Um...I suck. :)

So Thursday update--it wasn't as horrible as I expected it to be. It wasn't pleasant, but then again, when is an intervention ever a good time? Seriously, it was like couples counseling (rather, how I imagine couples counseling to be, I've never actually had any, although several of my past relationships would probably have benefited from the experience). But at least it's over. Hopefully it worked, and things be better. I've been working at my stuff to try and improve things, so I just hope he keeps plugging away at his. Time shall tell.

I closed Friday night, and worked yesterday. Last night I drove to Halifax to meet up with Tracey and some of the girls. She's in town from Edmonton for a week, and I REALLY wanted to see her. Which is good, because the roads were evil. They were perfectly clear here, and most of the way through the Cobequid Pass, but on the other side of the pass, and all the way into the city they were horrible. I did 60 all the way down the highway from Milbrook on. It was a long trip.

Last night was a really good time. Parts of it were awkward, but it turned out to be a blast. The awkward part was when Billy and I had a 'discussion' at the end of the night. You see, he read some back-pages of my blog about 10 days ago. I thought it was him, I just had a feeling. But I wasn't sure. And I didn't mention it.

Remember how I'd said he was gone offline for a few days? And that I was missing even having him sit there on my messenger not talking? Well. I was right. It was intentional.

But he mis-read some things, and didn't understand where I was coming from. I think we have it sorted out now. I wish I hadn't been quite so trashed, because we talked about a LOT of stuff, and I can only remember half of it. Yes, I know. Lack of sleep, and too much booze leads to poor judgement. Well, this time it didn't. It lead to clearing the air, and hopefully getting back on the right foot. I'd like to have more of that conversation sober, but I don't think he'd do it, to be honest. It's too uncomfortable. For both of us. And it's the type of thing that needs to be done in person. And we don't get that opportunity very often.

Anyway, I think we're sorted out. It was very sad at some points, and very emotional (for me!) in others. I asked for a hug, and he held me. And we fell asleep like that, and it was nice. (yes, I know, not healthy--I don't hug my other friends like that) It was nice because I think we both needed to understand that we can still get along. And that neither one of us would intentionally hurt the other one's feelings. Particularly not in public.

He and Alicia and I went to breakfast this morning, and when I left the restaurant to drop Alicia at home, I hugged him. And we held on a bit, even though it was a one-armed hug. And it was nice. I hug all my other friends, and it's not something we've ever been able to do in public--even when we were dating. So I think we're making steps.

I'd have liked to get together for caffeine this afternoon to finish up our conversation from last night, but I didn't want to be pushy. Or seem like I wanted more than friendship--because I really don't. Well...I think I don't. But that's for another exploratory surgery. :-)

I went to the mall and wandered for a couple of hours. Steven came to meet me and we had Second Cup and a lovely chat. He told me all about his date last night (it went really well) and that the best part was being able to just go places in public and not have to look over his shoulder to see if anybody saw them together. Isn't that an absolutely horrible thing? I mean, that THAT was the way he's lived his last 2 years of dating? It's distasteful. And I"m happy that he's finally learning to be happy.

I'm sooooooo tired, that I'm off to bed. I just really wanted to update a little bit.

I had a fantastic weekend, saw some great friends, played a really fun board game, drank too much, made up with my best friend, and got some hugs and snuggles. Human touch makes up for a lot of injustice in your day-to-day. I need to figure out how to get more of that. But that's a job for tomorrow.

Tomorrow's Saint Paddy's Day, and I was invited to Moncton with DD to beverage with some of his friends. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I'd love to go to Moncton, I'd love to meet new people, but I don't think I want to encourage him. Nor do I really want to have 'the conversation' with him tomorrow. Who knows. I'm going to play it by ear. I'll see how I feel about the whole thing tomorrow, after a lovely long snooze.

G'night, poppets. Happy Sunday night. :-)

Sunshiney sunday

Today was lovely. An absolutely gorgeous day for driving back to Amherst, which is what I spent my late afternoon doing.

I went into Halifax last night to meet up with some old friends from the store for a house-party, and then a trip to the Penny. It was a really good time. I was going to stay at Randy & D's house, but ended up at Alicia's instead. We stayed up talking until 6:45 this morning though, so I'm absolutely exhausted.

Had coffee with Billy this afternoon, and it was quite lovely. We get along so very well when we're in the same room. We even had a very pleasant MSN chat tonight. I was best pleased about it. Not in the least because I didn't really feel much of anything. I wasn't pining, I wasn't twingeing. I was just having a nice chat with a friend.

I want us to be friends, because I can't be acquaintances, and I am not really interested in writing off the last 2 years of friendship as an experiment in poor judgement. I'm never going to be involved with the man in any real way again, so I really have nothing to lose by being his friend.

Actually, I think one of the things that made me realize that I was okay with stuff, was that I went up to his apartment to drop off his replacement gift (one was slightly defective--they sent a new one) and sat for a few minutes to admire his new banjo. I got to pluck the strings and hold it (it was HEAVY!) for a bit. I had him play me some things he was learning to do. It's COOL! Then I admired his new mandolin. It's about a month old now, but it's new to me as I hadn't seen it yet. I held that too, and it was sooooo light compared to his old one. He played me a song on that too, because I asked him to. The point being (yes, I'll get to it eventually) that when he was playing, and from the minute I got there, he was jittery. His hands were kinda shaky and he looked nervous. It was a wee bit odd. Endearing, and mildly comforting to know that he was slightly anxious to see me.
(Possibly in case I was going to hit him again *heh*) Or it could have been that he drank a pot of coffee on his own that morning. Who knows. But he was shaky, and I was fine. It wasn't weird being in his space, it didn't feel too casual, and it didn't feel too awkward. It was just 'hanging out at a buddy's place' normal. It was good. Anyway, that's a really long paragraph to say a whole lot of 'I think I'm fine with it now'. But I do. And I am. And it's Good.

I've had a really hectic week all told, actually. Most of it fun, but even fun can wear you down.

I posted on Wednesday about DD coming by last Sunday for a visit and staying until the wee hours of the morning. Well...Thursday it happened again. It's nice to have the company, and he's a really nice man. But I don't know if I'm interested in starting something that involves a co-worker, no matter how far removed from my specific day-to-day job.

There was a very legitimate reason for DD to be in my store on Friday--and he had committed to doing that last week when the 'situation' arose. So he headed into town on Thursday night. He knew that I was closing, so showed up at the store to fix my surveillance camera at about 8:30 pm. After work he invited me out to eat, but I was pooped. Thursday was a VERY stressful day at work, and Friday was promising to be worse--so I didn't actually feel like going out.

I had some work to do, so told him he was welcome to come to the house and have a drink/eat food/chat while I did work for a little bit. He did. He brought both my favourite beer, and the beer that I always order when we go to the pub. Woot for a man with keen observation skills.

Anyway, we chilled in the living room, both on our laptops doing personnel performance reviews. We chatted, and beveraged a little bit. It was really quite pleasant and low-key. He informed me that The Proclaimers are coming to town in April. Not my town, but one town that I love, and another that I have to visit periodically for work. He invited me to attend the show at the second town (the one where he lives). I said 'sure! I love a good show! Fun!'

I then thought 'uh-oh--I think you just made a date. For a time 2 months from now. Shee-it.'

We chatted and chatted. I had an insane day planned for Friday--and was quite concerned about not getting all my homework done. But not concerned enough to stop the chatting and give him the boot before 2:30 am. Yeah, I know. I'm an idiot. He's NICE though. And a big fat coward. Heh. That makes me a little bit safer, I think.

Anyway. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know him THAT well, but I don't think we'd ever set the world on fire as a couple. But he's really nice, seems to be pretty into me, and he's kinda cute. And tall. Did I mention the tall? Because I REALLY dig The Tall. BUT...corporate ink and all. I know better. At least it's his nature to be secretive about his private life, and discrete in all his dealings. We'll see. I figure I've got at least 1 more uneventful visit before I have to actually have a conversation involving whether or not I want to kiss him. To be honest, it's kind of a nice problem to have for a change.

Friday at work was INSANE. Mainly because I had to be there at 6:30 to open up. So with my 3 hours of sleep, that was a great time. I then had Head Office visitors all day long, in a steady parade of people coming through my office.

I have a whole lot of staffing issues going on right now--the COB pulled one last cunty move before she went out on sick-leave, and one of the sales people is out with bronchitis for at least 2 weeks. One of the salesmen is being all passive-aggressive and approaching district sales managers behind my back and telling tales out of school. I have to discipline him for that, and I don't really want to. I mean, it's annoying--but there's got to be a REASON and I'd rather figure out what it is than give him shit for doing an end-run. However, I don't think he'll understand my 'kinder, gentler' method. I think he'll only stop his bullshit if I call him on it and lay down the law--complete with yelling and possibly some bad words. So I guess that's what I'm going to have to do.

I was supposed to have all my performance reviews completed, the interviews done, and then have everything submitted by Friday past. I don't. I'm about 6 short. And I'm out of the office Monday and Tuesday of this week. Argh.

I'm heading out to SJ tomorrow morning for a 9 am meeting...which means leaving here by 6 in order to make sure I'm there on time. Blech. I'm pooped, but really wanted to post, so I am.

I wonder if I'm going to get a phone call tomorrow night asking if I want to do something in SJ. Heh. I think it's likely to happen if he's in town at all. Which is kinda funny, kinda cute, and kinda sad all at once. I don't know whether to hope he's in town, or hope that he's not.

They DO say that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else...and whoever They are, I'm sure They're fucking brilliant!

Well, it's 12:25 am, and I have to be up in 5 hours. I haven't had a lot of sleep all week, and tomorrow's bound to be a long day so I'm off to bed. Have a lovely week, poppets. More from the hotel tomorrow, I'm sure.

Brief update

Hey poppets--

I'm in Saint John today for a 2 day meeting for work. It's nice to see all the folks I used to work with, and know that they're happy to see me. Tomorrow we spend the day getting yelled at, but last night and tonight will be fun.

This past weekend--went to Halifax to see the record release show of the Tom Fun Orchestra. It was a great show. It was a bit awkward because Billy was there, so I was VERY happy that Tamara and Joanna came with. We spoke briefly. I saw him holding hands with some girl. Leads me to believe (NOW) that they weren't involved, because he doesn't do that with people he's actually interested in--but at the time, it was a bit of a kick in the gut. (*JUST* a bit. *snort*)

So...I danced like a crazy person with some cool hippie with a beard and ear plugs (*boggle*) and some guy grabbed my ass and I didn't pop him in the face over it. In fact, it was kinda flattering. I know, I amaze me too sometimes.

Saturday I got up early and got a haircut, then Tamara and I ran errands. We went to the market to visit her grandparents, and since we were in Darkness, I called Billy to drop off his stuff. He asked if we would drive him to his car downtown. So we did. I know, I amaze me too sometimes.

I gave him the rest of his Christmas gift, and as I have previously stated...I give GOOD GIFT. He loved them. He opened then, and looked like a kid with a new bike. He looked over somewhat awkwardly like he wasn't sure if he should hug me or not. I was standing watching with my arms folded over my chest, so that pretty much solved that problem.

We dropped him at his car, and all the way downtown I had a hard time finding something to say. We've got too much history for small-talk, and not enough to say to make conversation.

K...roomie's back--more tonight.

Friday - revisited.

Today actually turned out to be a pretty decent day, all things considered. (Can you glean from that that my boss didn't show up?)

Until later on tonight...I went onto POF to check out my new mail. I clicked on the 'viewed me' portion...and who pops up? Billy. With a new photo.

Oh yeah. A 'new' photo. At least he didn't steal this one from my Facebook. I'd given him a copy of it for his very own. It was our fucking vacation photo. The only decent photo I have from the last 2 years with the two of us in it together.

What.

The.

Fuck.

I don't understand what is going through his ignorant dumbass motherfucking mind.

*boggle*

I was mad at first, and then I just started to laugh. Because, really? What the hell? I mean...anyway.

So I called Tracey to tell her, because I thought it was pretty funny, and she's my only RL friend (other than Christine) that I'd ever tell about POF (or how humiliatingly stupid my ex-beau is). Even she was astonished that he was so dumb.

She did point out something to me though, that makes a bit more sense now that I'm aware. She talked to Billy before he and I had coffee on Sunday. And as you've read, he had asked me about a couple of my MSN taglines from the week before. I didn't tell him I'd deleted him, but it told me that he hadn't erased me.

Tracey told me that he knew I'd deleted him. Apparently there's some way that you can find that stuff out. I didn't think it told you if someone erased you, only if they blocked you. And I didn't block him. It explains why he hasn't messaged me though. His feelings would be hurt.

But sheesh...this picture bullshit has definitely put paid to my desire to stalk.

It doesn't stop me from being amazed and bewildered by it, but it definitely helps with steeling up some resolve. Honestly, the whole thing just embarrasses me. I find it mortifying that I thought I knew this man. And that I spent so much time pining over someone who could do something so tacky and crass. I don't know if it's intended to be deliberately hurtful or not, but the result is the same either way. Actually, probably worse if it's not deliberate.

Anyway...enough of that. I'm going to go and giggle myself to sleep. I have to be up in 4.5 hours for work. Blargle! At least I get to go to the gym tomorrow night! Hurrah me!

BTW--does anyone in Halifax want to go see Tom Fun Family Orchestra with me at the Seahorse on Friday night? They rock the casbah!

Blah.

So Monday I did something incredibly unlike me. I took a day off.

It wasn't any old day off though. I called in sick. I've worked with this company for almost 10 years, and have been sick as a dog many times. I've never taken a sick day. I was quite proud of that fact for quite a long time.

But Monday? Monday I just Didn't Want To Be There. So I called in dead. Everyone at work has had the flu lately, so I figured..Why not?

The sad thing is that I didn't even DO anything with my day off. I didn't unpack. I didn't clean. I didn't paint. I didn't even shower. I did Nothing. Oh wait...I slept until noon. That part was okay.

Tuesday? Tuesday was my regular day off. I had originally planned to go in to work, and then just use Monday as my day off--then I wouldn't break my 10-year-no-sickie streak. But I decided that I Just Didn't Want To Be There. I stayed home. I did much the same thing. Except that yesterday I filled out change of address cards. So I accomplished...something.

Now today? Today I have to go to work. I'm supposed to be there in 20 minutes. But I'm not going to be. I called in to say I was still not feeling well and that I'd be late. What is up with me?! Sheesh. I need to shake this the fuck off.

In other news...I am the best Gifter that ever did Gift. Just so you know.

The rest of Billy's Christmas present showed up yesterday--Cafepress.com, I love you. And I have to say that a) the feeling of getting a package in your mailbox? Addictive. And b) I luff them. And c) I rock.

I had ordered him a few t-shirts for Christmas in addition to the bagpipe lessons. 2 shirts with his last name on them in university style print--Property of... and 'LASTNAME'.* The last shirt is the best one...it's plain and says "A bheil gaidhlig agad?" Loosely translated: Got Gaelic? *Tee-hee!*

It's a shame he doesn't deserve me! I rock.

Anyway, one of the t-shirts (LASTNAME) is printed crooked. I should send it back for a new one. I wouldn't even blink about it, were I planning to see him on a regular basis. But I kinda just want to mail off the package and not look back. Except that I paid good bucks for a shirt that's wearable. And I am not the type of person that gives a crappy gift just to get even.

So I'm slightly torn. I don't want to have to send TWO packages. I don't want to have to sit on the rest of the gift for another 2 weeks. I just want it gone. I think I'm going to do the leg-work, get the RMA#, and then send it to him with the information and then he can do whatever he wants with it. Then it's not my problem but it could still get fixed. We'll see what Cafepress has to say when they email me back.

Well...that was fast! I just got new mail, checked it, and it was Cafepress. "we are sorry that you are not happy with your order, but we don't want you to incur any new shipping charges, so we're sending you a new one for free." Woohoo. I have to say, in my only 2 EVER online purchases, I've been incredibly pleased with the results.

I'll send him the broken one with a note that they're sending a new and improved one, and that at some point in time, I'll make sure that he gets it. Two birds, one stone.

The new album by Tom Fun Family Orchestra was early-released on Monday. Mine should be in the mail--hopefully arriving today. I had gotten it for my sister's boyfriend for Christmas, as well as for Billy. (it appears I went a little overboard!) I absolutely can't wait. The record release bash is at the Seahorse next Friday night, and while I'm off the weekend, I don't think I can go. This makes me sad. I don't have a place to crash. I mean, I'm sure Steven would let me crash at his place, but I don't want to go using up all my favours too early on into my 'out of town-ness'. That, and I don't think he'd actually enjoy the tunes the way I will--so I'd be going alone and just crashing there. We'll see what happens a bit closer to the date--I really want to go.

Well...I guess I've screwed the pooch long enough today. I am going to have to break down and go to work. I need to live up to my reputation for being 'responsible'. *shudder*

Happy Wednesday, poppets.



*no, his last name is not actually LASTNAME. I maybe a real-name dropping strumpet, but I'm not a complete and utter cow. I'd never use somebody's last name here--hell, I won't use MINE!

Shaking it off.

I don't know where to start in order to sort myself out right now.

I had a great weekend--went into the city and hung out with Tamara. Went out with her and Steve & Duffy on Saturday night--had a great time. Too many martinis and a whole lot of laughing. Not a lot of sleep, overall, but it was a lovely time. (actual details to follow)

Today before I was leaving the city I met up with the old landlord and dropped off the mail-key and the dehumidifier. I was feeling good. I was feeling strong. I made what seemed like a good decision at the time and called Billy to go for a coffee.

He was up for it, so we did. Now, we haven't spoken a word to one another in a week. Which is the longest we've ever gone without speaking in almost 2 years. Previous record? 2 days.

Anyway, we went for coffee. It was nice. We chatted. It was mostly superficial. He's been sick for a few days. Which I pretended I didn't know, but mainly did because of Face*book. It was good. I mentioned that I'd seen Kenneth & Amanda at the market on Saturday morning and that it had been 'more than a little embarrassing'. He seemed surprised and asked why it would be embarrassing. I pointed out that they don't really know me well enough to know that I don't generally have melt-downs in public, and that I found it a bit humiliating having to face them. He said "Bah, I wouldn't worry about that!" Which led me to believe that even he was mostly over my screaming at him on the street.

It was a nice time, and I actually thought I'd come away from it quite cleanly. I thought that almost all the way home. But 2 hours of driving is a long time to drive without Thinking About Stuff. [insert ominous music here]

I got thinking about ways that I could work to be his friend, and yet move on with my life. I got to thinking about how unlikely it is that at my age I'm going to suddenly meet the man who's going to fill all the stupid little dreams I've had about what my life would look like, and how sad that is. I got to thinking about how easy it appears for other people, and that sometimes it's comforting watching other people have difficulties because it makes it easier to accept the mess you've made of your own life by believing the hype. (yeah, I think in run-on sentences too--deal with it.) That made me think that I'm an evil bitch, which is likely why I haven't met Prince Charming yet--Karma. You see what happens when I'm alone too long with my thoughts? Nobody said being a girl was easy!

I made a point of not checking my FB when I got into the house. I unpacked a couple of boxes, made some supper. And checked my FB. And that's when the troubles really began.

I have been making a point of trying not to stalk him. I haven't been playing Scrabble with him. I've deleted him from my MSN. I was doing well.

Until tonight. I started with the stalking.

I should rewind a bit...Last Sunday when I got home after my drama-tastic weekend, I immediately changed my FB status to 'single'. I'd previously had it just benignly as nothing listed. But I needed to make that change for myself, to make myself clue in to the fact that despite how much 'preparing' I'd thought I'd done, it was truly final. I did it, but then hid the storyline so it didn't prompt in people's newsfeeds. Several people noticed on their own and sent me messages--but mainly it was pretty quiet.

Well, Friday...I saw in my newsfeed that little shattered heart icon that stated quite firmly that 'Billy is now single.' And it just about broke my heart. I don't know why it affected me so much, because I'd known. Hell, I did it first. I've known for MONTHS. But seeing it there, in black and white, for the entire interweb to see made my heart do a sad little flop.

It was partly because it made it more real, but mainly because of the loss of something that might have been Not what was really lost (i.e. a dysfunctional dating history), but the Idea that I'd lost. That somewhere out there was someone who Got Me.

Anyway...coffee was good. But I got thinking on the way home. It was too comfortable, the conversation. And not 'too comfortable' as in 'I want to go back and try yet again'...but as in 'we've always gotten along like a house on fire when we're in the same room and why should now be any different'? It was comfortable enough to lead me to believe that we could hang out with impunity. That is dangerous. Because it's not true just yet.

Anyway...I did some unpacking and then made a decision. I decided I'd sign up on POF again(I KNOW!!! *sigh*) to possibly meet some people and make some new friends. I'd actually put down 'friends' on my 'looking for' portion. I filled out the personality profile. I originally opted to not post a photo. I finished the registration, and hit 'my matches' to see what came up.

So...guess who was top of the list? Yeah. Kick to the gut. And he'd been there long enough to have a line in his profile saying that he'd had to change it because people had the wrong idea about what 'hanging out' meant.

I wasn't actually surprised to see him there...I should have expected it. But I didn't. It caught me off guard. And it hurt. But that's probably a good thing. The thing that pissed me off is that 3 of the photos he has posted are ones that I took of him. And one of them I took last Saturday night. He stole them from my FB and posted them on his dating page. *grumble*

It shouldn't bother me, but it does. Anyway. The other person that came up immediately was Dan-o. The guy I went to the wedding with 2 Augusts ago. He's funny as hell. Sent me a message already. We've just exchanged fake names and set up a rendezvous at a trashy motel. Nice to see SOME people have a sense of humour.

I was ready for bed at 8:40..and it's now 11:45. I've wasted the last 2 hours flipping back and forth between FB and POF in a stalking frenzy. I need to cut it the fuck out. I'd delete my POF right away, except that I forgot to change my settings so people couldn't see that I'd checked out their profiles...so when my shock caused me to click his profile, he knew it. And he clicked mine back. So I don't want him to think that I just made a profile to stalk him, because I didn't. I didn't even know he was there! But it would look stupid. And since I deleted him from MSN, I couldn't make a joke about it and move on.

But he still has MY MSN, and I know he hasn't erased me because today he mentioned a couple of my taglines from this past week. So he's seen them, and he's paid attention. He didn't message me after seeing me on POF either...so I think I'll just let it go. Even though the photos piss me off. A lot.

Holy shit, I can't believe I've let this crap bother me so much. I guess what this tells you, poppets, is that you should never fall in love with your best friend. And that once you realize that you shouldn't be in love with your best friend, you don't let them talk you into doing it anyway. Because they're wrong. And you'll only turn into a loopier, sadder, lonelier, mildly crazier version of yourself. Until you learn to shake it off.

I'm learning. But I think it's going to be a long process.

Hey all--

I wasn't going to post this morning, but I'm working really hard at avoiding going in to work--so here I am!

I spent last night trying hard not to chat at Billy on MSN. I worked really hard at not stalking him on Facebook. This morning I deleted him from my MSN contacts list. I had to do it.

I know that it's the right decision, I've known it for a long time now. But when everything else was falling to shit around my ears, I was clinging to what was left of that relationship. That little bit of friendship was my anchor, my mooring. Now? I don't have that anymore.

I feel completely at a loss. I'm floating here in this limbo of a place, with no real place to belong or go for solace.

Don't get me wrong--it's been amazing how many friends have come out of the woodwork. Lynn is going to come up soon, I'm going to Tamara's this weekend for movies and the market... Christine (as usual) has really stepped in. But I still feel so alone.

I shouldn't feel any more alone than I did before, considering nothing's really changed except that I'm not messaging him. I'm not trying, anymore, to include him in my day, or to make him include me in his. He hasn't really been much of a friend for the last couple of months anyway--so I really shouldn't miss him so much. But I do. It's not just the idea of having him around--although that's part of it. It's the idea of knowing that he's NEVER going to step it up. It's very final.

I was in such a black-hole of despair here for such a long while, that I had almost forgotten what happy was like. I just started to get that back in the last week or so after getting back from Christmas. Now I feel like I'm teetering again. I'm on the edge. I need to use that 1-800 number at work. We have a really great Employee Assistance Plan, so I need to get on that and make it work for me.

I'm humiliated about my public melt-down on Saturday night. I do NOT yell. I certainly do not yell in public. And I don't hit people. Ever. My frustration level was so high that I absolutely Lost It. And that scares me.

Particularly since the part leading up to that? Had been amazing. Absolutely fantastic. Better than it's been since we got back from vacation. And then I went postal.

I have no explanation.

I'm kind of off food again...I have been for a week or so. It happens now and again. I eat, but odd things, not real meals. Last night I couldn't sleep, and this morning I can't get out of bed. I was going to go into work early, but I just REALLY don't want to be there.

...and I want to add him back on MSN just so I can see that he's still there. But I'm not going to. Because it's not good for me. I'm not ready to delete the Facebook though. I'll work at not stalking him--but I can't erase the most important person in the last 18 months of my life. Not with the push of a button. Well...I could, but I CAN'T.

Blargle--I HAVE to go get ready for work now. I wasn't early, but I sure can't be late. I updated the blogroll a bit last night, but not the way I want it. I didn't get to add in Badgerdaddy yet--or a couple of others. I'd forgotten how easy it actually is to do when you actually just sit down and do it. Frankly, HTML freaks me out so I'm always a bit scared of screwing with the template...but I've been stalking lots of you daily for the last year, it's HIGH TIME I showed you the love.

Have a happy Wednesday--