Fine then.

I guess that since the fates seem to be conspiring against me by leaving me no blogs to read, no tv to watch, and no sleep to have--I might as well blog.

Things are...messed up. Getting better, but messed the fuck up. The finances are in the gutter. The job is just Meh at the best of times. And I'm still waiting on an expense cheque from my move (11 months ago--but who's counting?) My car is still being held hostage in Sackville (this is the end of month 3) -- where it will remain until I get my expense cheque and can pay the ransom.

I'm not hating being a bus person, but I think that's mainly because I've been quite lucky to work with some great folks. My boss picks me up every morning at 6:45 AM, saving me an extra 15 minutes at the house. I can generally get a ride home at night-time, saving me the 1.5 hours it takes to make a 10 minute trip home. I've just had to bus that a couple of times--and I don't actually mind it. The only thing that I really dislike about it, is the amount of time it adds to my already long days at work, and that it keeps me from my dog that much longer. I feel quite guilty about the amount of time he spends home alone.

I'll likely continue the bus commute for any day shifts that I work, even once the car comes home. The timing is convenient, and it will save me a ton of money on gas and wear and tear. I just don't like mooching rides at night time, because even though I've driven people home hundreds of times over the last 10 years, I hate asking. I know most people don't mind, but I don't like to count on that at 10:00 pm. Particularly in the rain or snow.

I have Wednesday off, and my mission for Wednesday is to piece together a current resume. I don't have one. I opened the classifieds on Saturday morning at work, and a job jumped out at me and screamed "SADIE!!! THIS IS FOR YOU!!!" so I figure that I should listen or something. The application deadline is next Monday, so I have a bit of time for tweaking.

I've been thinking a lot over the last couple of weeks about what I want/need to change in my life. I work too many hours at my current job for the limited amount of opportunity for growth that is available to me. I love what I do, and I'm quite good at it; but if there's nowhere to GO from here, then I need to go OUT from here. And, dammit, I want a life again. I want to take Gaelic class in the evenings. I'd like to develop a routine. I'd love to have my evenings and weekends free, like most of the mythical people I read about on the internet. I've never known any of those people...but I think I'd like to be one of them. I'd like to try it, at least.

Anyway--bedtime. Because 5 am comes early. *shudder*

G'night, poppets. I've missed you.

So much..

...has happened, transpired, and taken place over the last 2 months.

I've gone home, twice. I've been to 3 weddings. I've gone trick-or-treating, thrown a surprise birthday party for my mom, seen my prodigal sister for the first time in 7 years, moved back to Halifax, put my house up for sale, and been invited to move across the country with a boy--should his current career aspirations work out as planned. I've also taken a leave from work for two weeks, screwed my career, and decided that it is better to be happy than to be important.

I've been busy.

Sometimes too busy to write, sometimes too overwhelmed. But here I am now.

I've missed my best friend, and was very excited to be in a place where I could get that friendship back...and now, it appears to have derailed itself. I've been deleted from MSN. And it makes me very sad. Ah well. This too, shall pass.

I've missed you too. And I can't wait to be able to tell you, again, what's been going on with me. But for now, suffice to say that I'm home again, and I didn't think I could be this happy to be here.

Hi honeys, I'm home. :)

10:29 am.

I was supposed to work at 10:00 am. Which means being at work at 9:50 am.

I'm not there yet.

Motivation? Zero.

*sigh*

I guess my continued employment is contingent on my showing up. So I should probably go do that.

Jumping right back in.

Just breaking the silence.

I figured that the best way to start again, is to just do it.

So here you go.

I should be asleep...so I'm going. But I've got a lot to say...so I'll be back.

-DD finally said something about liking me
-he did it on the Wednesday after the last post
-we didn't get a lot of sleep because it took him until 3am to get up enough nerve to say something
-my response was nervous laughter (this is NOT a good way to respond)
-we smooched
-that was good
-he came back the next week
-we smooched more
-we may have done more than smooch
-i pointed out how terrible an idea it would be for us to get involved, but did it anyway
-he REALLY likes me
-he's a pretty decent man
-who really, REALLY likes me
-who's willing to drive 2 hours at a time to see me
-this weekend he did it on Friday night for a surprise
-it was a pretty good surprises
-lynn and alicia were coming down already that day though to help paint the house
-he stayed anyway and hung out with all of us
-they liked him, he liked them. it was a good surprise
-the girls painted my living room while i was at work on saturday
-it was awesome of them
-my house is starting to feel like MY HOUSE--now that it's painted especially
-the trim still needs done, but i can live with this for now--it's just sooo much better
-before this weekend, I was talking to DD on Wednesday or Thursday, and apparently a contact of his at H*me Despot emailed him about 'i hear you're sleeping with one of your store managers'
-it was annoying, irritating, pissed me off, angered me, and was incredibly disheartening that a reputation i've worked hard to build for 10 years could be destroyed by someone's car sitting in my driveway overnight.
-this weekend happened, and it was a great weekend--very relaxing.
-Also, it was nice to see a boy that wanted to see me and so drove 2 hours on his motorcycle to make that happen, and then drove 3 hours home in a rain storm. And is prepared to do it again...however long that takes. Pretty spiff.
-the girls painted my house. Awesome.
-i got lots of sleep, lots of jabber, and lots of friendly love. I have AMAZING friends. I am VERY, VERY, VERY lucky.
-tonight, i got a message from DD that he was getting called up on the carpet by the powers that be because someone called someone important to mention that we're seeing one another. Which we're technically not. Because I haven't decided yet. But he was warning me so that i could be aware in case someone said something to me.
-he's very thoughtful like that, because he wants me to not suffer any repercussions because he really wants us to go someplace. And he's considerate like that anyway.
-but he's worried. and I'm very worried for him. i'm prepared to tell people to fuck themselves because my private life is none of their business. however, his job DOES intersect with mine, and i don't want to do anything to jeopardize his integrity (or my own!)
-he's doing the physical test for the RCMP in 2 weeks. if he passes that, then he's quitting anyway
-i don't want to ever date a cop
-i should likely back off now anyway--and make his life easier. But i get the decided impression that he does not want that at all. he wants more involvement, not less. he's very persuasive.
-i want to be sure it's the right decision. *sigh*
-people suck, big time.

Anyway...bedtime.

Oh yes...and I may be flying home to Ontario on Wednesday morning for a funeral, and then back here on Friday morning. My last remaining grandparent died tonight. It's sad, but mostly because I feel loss at a relationship that never really was.

I always envied people who were closer to their grandparents. My grandma on my dad's side was never particularly close to us--not since we were tiny, anyway. She's a lovely woman who loved Jesus in a way that is not quite natural. She bought into all the television evangelists and whatever snake oil they were selling this week. She parented her kids until they turned 12, then they were on their own. She thought my mother was the only thing keeping my dad out of the priesthood. She wanted my mom to name me Thursyl (thanks for not doing that, mom). But for all that, she loved my father more than ice cream. She was a good woman. I did love her...but I didn't really KNOW her.

She lived far away, and her lifestyle kept her even farther away. My dad worked at keeping his family at a distance, and now that we're all adults, it seems natural to keep doing it.

But I should go home. I should do it for my dad. I should do it for myself. I should do it to honour the relationship that I always wished I had with a woman I hardly knew. I should do it to honour the relationships that my cousins DID have. And to reconnect with a family that I haven't seen in ages.

I will have to see what's going on...the flight is over $500, and I only have 3 days in which to complete it. I'd leave at 6 on Wednesday (from Moncton) and then come back out of Toronto at 8 on Friday morning. It's a whirlwind. I'm going to have to see if I can make it happen or not.

I'll keep you posted. On all of it.

I have a day to spend with my DM tomorrow. His boss is apparently the one that told DD's boss to cool it with the fraternizing. So we'll see if MY boss dares to say anything to me. I really WILL tell him to fuck himself if that's the case.

But first I'll get permission for the bereavement leave. :)

Eeeeeeew.

I just looked out the window on the way to the shower. There's FROST on my car.

*shuddeR*

So what?

In an attempt, however misguided, to avoid having to do work or blog I have read through every last post in my bloglines. The thing that is most scary about that? I have over 235 sites marked in there.

And none of you have anything new to say.

Well, you may have at 9 am, but you don't NOW and that's the issue.

What? I haven't said anything new and interesting either? You're right. And so what, I say? So. What.

I'm supposed to be doing work at home. I'm supposed to be frantically putting the finishing touches on an awards 'banquet' that I'm hosting tonight. I'm supposed to be working to make it not look like a thrown together, shoe-string budget, last-minute event. But it *IS* a thrown together, shoe-string budget, last-minute event.

The background story:

My company has a couple of ways that we recognize people and their efforts at excellence in service throughout the year. One is through Caught-yas (our version of the Atta-boy!) These are completely associate driven. If you see somebody going out of their way for a customer or for another associate, you write them up a little note. We hand them out at our monthly meetings, and you get recognized for doing a good deed. It's kinda nice.

The other is through a star award. Customers that take the time to write or call in to say that they were pleased with a particular associate or circumstance receive a letter thanking them for taking the time to do so. The associate in question gets a copy of the letter, as well as a letter of thanks. They receive a service star that they may or may not choose to sew onto their shirts. If they get 5 of them, they get $75 ($50 after tax).

These are both nice things. At the end of the year, usually in February or March, the associates from each store that got the most of each type of award went to Moncton for an awards luncheon where plaques and small prizes were handed out. The associates who received the most of each type of note corporately, won a largish prize--usually a jacket of some sort.

These, also, are nice things.

We're not doing that this year. Well, everything but the luncheon. The same associates at each store seemed to be attending each year. What was supposed to be an incentive/appreciation luncheon had turned into a source of grousing and bitterness for the associates left behind at the store.

So this year? We're each having our own banquet at the individual stores. I think this is a GREAT idea, as it recognizes EVERYONE for their contribution to the success of the business, and thanks people for working together. It still singles out the super-stars, but also recognizes the smaller, consistent twinklers.

So...what could be wrong with this picture? Well. I was given $250 to do it with.

(I'll wait while you gasp in shock.)

I'm supposed to throw a BANQUET for 35 people, with $250. That is to include site, food, PRIZES and entertainment. And do it in a non-alcoholic location with no access to booze.

Mwahahahahaa! I don't know how many of you have ever done event planning (except you, Principessa!) but this is relatively impossible if you want it to be any sort of fancy-pants EVENT. And it's supposed to be just that.

I could possibly pull it off if I planned for 6 months, was able to do it outdoors in the summertime, and had a much bigger pool of competent helpers than I do. But I had 3 weeks to piece together a half-assed $250 party to thank people for contributing to the overall success of a multi-million dollar corporation. Oh yeah. My job rocks sometimes.

So we're going to a pool-hall. I rented the 'private function room' (is it my fault if it is sponsored by a major brewer of beer?) and an extra table for the entire evening. This cost me $50. It would have been $60, but we're going mid-week.

We booked lasagne, garlic bread and ceasar salad from a local restaurant--they are providing plates, cutlery and napkins as well. This will cost me $224 including taxes. (see the problem already?)

I'm also supposed to provide prizes and awards. No place in this town sells pre-printed certificates. I had to settle for fancy stationery from Walm*rt and invent my own award papers. I am currently making a single file bigger than my head to take to work and print out before 6pm tonight.

I also have to go buy 3 more jokey prizes, and one big Good Prize, as well as another $20 gift certificate.

The husband of one of the girls at work made a Plinko board for HIS work. We're borrowing it, and we're going to play 'the price is right' tonight. I picked out a bunch of small, common, yet obscurely priced items to take with us, and people will bid on the items in groups of 4. If they win their round, they get a Plinko token. When they play Plinko, they can win a card with a numbered prize on it. The prizes are cheezy dollar store items that I went out and bought last night. Three of the 9 prizes will have $20 gift cards hidden on or in them.

We will then eat, I will hand out the certificates. I will award the corporately provided backpacks (nice--but seriously--how many 50 year old men do you know that are jonesing for a new Roots backpack with the company logo on it?!) and then hand out the peer-selected MVP award. This person will receive a certificate and a $50 certificate to the only decent restaurant in town.

I've managed to spend about $500, which I think is not bad, all things considered. I'm surprised that nobody from head office has called to rag me out for having the function in a place where booze is served--I was fully expecting that. But seriously, where can you get a venue for 35 people for the entire night, that provides entertainment AND lets you bring in outside catered food for $50? No place. I think I freaking rock.

If it comes off okay. Which right now, it's not quite feeling that it's going to. I'm procrastinating by blogging and reading blogs because I have too much to do in the next 2 hours. The panic will start to set it any minute. I also have no idea what I'm going to say to host this shin-dig. Good thing I'm a master at winging-it. Well, I think I am, anyway. Everyone is always far too polite to tell me otherwise!

Talk to you later, poppets. Happy Tuesday!

House of Cards

I like to have people believe that I have it all together. I like to believe it myself; but when I can't believe it myself, I cling to the delusion that other people believe that I am keeping it together.

I've mentioned before that my pride is my single biggest character flaw. Not that I don't have others that just scream out for analysis, but my pride is the thing that always gets me into trouble.

I don't want people to ever view me as weak. I don't want people to think of me as incapable. I don't want people to think I'm not strong. I don't like to think that people can see me as vulnerable.

I have always been like this, but it's become much more exaggerated working so hard to succeed in what is still a very male-dominated business. I'm always afraid to admit that I suck at something because I don't want them to think it's because I'm a woman. I really feel a sense of responsibility to every other woman I've never met who is working in a business setting. I have a huge sense of guilt for things and people that I haven't even met yet. How messed up is that?

Anyway. The set-up here in Amh*rst has been chaotic ever since the very beginning. There has not been a time when things have had a chance to settle into 'normal'. I have been waiting, and plugging away, and trying to stop up the leaks in the dam...all the while waiting, and hoping, and dreaming of a day when I could comfortably leave for the day and NOT stress myself out about all the crap that I didn't get done.

I have been waiting for things to find their natural level. I have been waiting for things to balance out.

And they're not.

I've been behind from the day I started, and trying desperately to catch up. I've been running and running and running and I never seem to be able to catch up. Just when I think I can reach out and catch onto the bumper of the speeding train something drama-tastic happens that prevents that from happening. Maybe that's the nature of the job. But I don't think so.

Today, my carefully tended house of cards will come to an uncertain demise.

My sales-guy is playing even more passive-aggressive games with my career. He's been emailing around me again, to the district sales-manager. He feels that he is not being 'supported' by me at the store, and that he is not going to be able to get the 'support' that he feels he needs, so instead, he needs a $4/hour raise.

What got their attention is the money. But the bigger problem is the communication issue. I've never met a salesperson like him before. Generally they want you to leave them alone and only go near them on rare occasion. This one wants me to hold his hand every day.

I don't have time for that.

Because I'm busy filling in checklist after checklist. I'm busy doing reports. I'm busy explaining away a lack of sales. I'm busy going to stupid meetings that take me out of my store for 2 days at a time while the paperwork and emails pile up on my desk waiting for my return.

I'm not innocent here. I know that I don't spend enough time at the sales desk. I know that he needs to be managed differently from everyone else. I get that. But I don't know how I'm supposed to find the time to do that.

I haven't wanted to talk to my boss about it, because I haven't wanted to look like I wasn't up for the job. I didn't want to look incompetent. It seems like everyone else around me is handling it okay, so I just keep plugging along and hoping that it really *IS* possible to get caught up and excel.

Today though, that carefully tended house of cards is likely to fall. We're having what is going to amount to an intervention. Me, my salesguy, my district manager, and my district sales manager are all going to sit in a room together and discuss a strategy for how to make this work for us.

I am NOT looking forward to it. I know that it won't be pretty. I know that it's necessary. I've tried to do this on my own with my salesguy, but it hasn't worked. He avoids having to speak to me at any given opportunity. I will go down to chat with him and find out what's going on, and he barely speaks. But then when I leave, he emails me the answers to all the questions that I've asked him. I don't understand someone who won't talk to me when I'm next to them, but emails me with relative ease.

I also don't understand someone who won't deal with me face-to-face, but feels completely content trying to undermine me.

It makes it very difficult to be 'supportive'.

Anyway. I need to go into work in an hour. On my day off. To get 'talked to'. To 'hammer things out'. To spend the afternoon watching my little world crumble.

I may be wrong. Things may work out just fine. But I sincerely doubt it. I have to shoulder the majority of the responsibility for making our working relationship function, and I haven't been giving it the effort that I should have. It grows tiresome after a while. But it needs to be fixed, and it needs to be fixed now. I understand that. But it DOES take two.

*sigh*

Billy's been offline for 2 days, and I didn't realize how dependent I was on him for support still. It's pretty sad. But I won't pick up the phone and call him--so I guess I don't need the support that badly.

DD phoned his way into the picture again last night. I was working late at the store, and the phone rang. I answered it because it was an SJ #. We chatted for about 45 minutes while he was driving back home from Bathurst.

I then went home and sat--avoiding doing more work at home and dreading tomorrow.

My phone rang again. It was DD. He said 'you sounded frustrated and anxious--did you want company to talk about it?'

I suggested that it was probably not a wise course of action. Nevertheless, he drove this way instead of to Moncton. At midnight, we sat in my kitchen and drank beer and talked of life, music, and relationships. At 2 am, we sat in my living room and drank beer and talked of life, music, and jeebus. At 3 am, I made him help me carry my humungous futon upstairs to the spare room and we set him up a place to sleep. At 4:30, I put sheets and blankets on the futon. At 5 am, I shipped him off to sleep in it, and I went to bed.

It was nice to have someone to talk to. I am well aware that he's NOT the best person to be talking to at the moment. I'm also desperately aware that I should have gone to bed on time, gotten up early, and gone into work this morning to get caught up instead of staying up too late drinking beer and running my mouth. However.

He's definitely interested. He sat closer to me on the couch than he needed to. He made a point of touching me subtly whenever he could. He is bold, yet shy. It's entertaining. It's good for my ego. It's been a long time since I had someone who was actually INTERESTED in me. Someone who thought I was attractive enough to WANT to touch me--even casually.

I also know that I'm going to continue to keep the situation platonic. No matter how much I might like to be held. Because I can't think of a situation any less intelligent than getting involved with your corporate security person. It would be a conflict work-wise, as well as potentially messy (likely) when things didn't work out.

But it was nice to have someone be concerned about me. And it was nice to know that he finds me attractive. And I was glad to have the distraction so that I didn't spend all night staring at the ceiling fretting about this afternoon.

Is it really so wrong that I'd like to have him stop by again?

Brief update

Hey poppets--

I'm in Saint John today for a 2 day meeting for work. It's nice to see all the folks I used to work with, and know that they're happy to see me. Tomorrow we spend the day getting yelled at, but last night and tonight will be fun.

This past weekend--went to Halifax to see the record release show of the Tom Fun Orchestra. It was a great show. It was a bit awkward because Billy was there, so I was VERY happy that Tamara and Joanna came with. We spoke briefly. I saw him holding hands with some girl. Leads me to believe (NOW) that they weren't involved, because he doesn't do that with people he's actually interested in--but at the time, it was a bit of a kick in the gut. (*JUST* a bit. *snort*)

So...I danced like a crazy person with some cool hippie with a beard and ear plugs (*boggle*) and some guy grabbed my ass and I didn't pop him in the face over it. In fact, it was kinda flattering. I know, I amaze me too sometimes.

Saturday I got up early and got a haircut, then Tamara and I ran errands. We went to the market to visit her grandparents, and since we were in Darkness, I called Billy to drop off his stuff. He asked if we would drive him to his car downtown. So we did. I know, I amaze me too sometimes.

I gave him the rest of his Christmas gift, and as I have previously stated...I give GOOD GIFT. He loved them. He opened then, and looked like a kid with a new bike. He looked over somewhat awkwardly like he wasn't sure if he should hug me or not. I was standing watching with my arms folded over my chest, so that pretty much solved that problem.

We dropped him at his car, and all the way downtown I had a hard time finding something to say. We've got too much history for small-talk, and not enough to say to make conversation.

K...roomie's back--more tonight.

Friday - revisited.

Today actually turned out to be a pretty decent day, all things considered. (Can you glean from that that my boss didn't show up?)

Until later on tonight...I went onto POF to check out my new mail. I clicked on the 'viewed me' portion...and who pops up? Billy. With a new photo.

Oh yeah. A 'new' photo. At least he didn't steal this one from my Facebook. I'd given him a copy of it for his very own. It was our fucking vacation photo. The only decent photo I have from the last 2 years with the two of us in it together.

What.

The.

Fuck.

I don't understand what is going through his ignorant dumbass motherfucking mind.

*boggle*

I was mad at first, and then I just started to laugh. Because, really? What the hell? I mean...anyway.

So I called Tracey to tell her, because I thought it was pretty funny, and she's my only RL friend (other than Christine) that I'd ever tell about POF (or how humiliatingly stupid my ex-beau is). Even she was astonished that he was so dumb.

She did point out something to me though, that makes a bit more sense now that I'm aware. She talked to Billy before he and I had coffee on Sunday. And as you've read, he had asked me about a couple of my MSN taglines from the week before. I didn't tell him I'd deleted him, but it told me that he hadn't erased me.

Tracey told me that he knew I'd deleted him. Apparently there's some way that you can find that stuff out. I didn't think it told you if someone erased you, only if they blocked you. And I didn't block him. It explains why he hasn't messaged me though. His feelings would be hurt.

But sheesh...this picture bullshit has definitely put paid to my desire to stalk.

It doesn't stop me from being amazed and bewildered by it, but it definitely helps with steeling up some resolve. Honestly, the whole thing just embarrasses me. I find it mortifying that I thought I knew this man. And that I spent so much time pining over someone who could do something so tacky and crass. I don't know if it's intended to be deliberately hurtful or not, but the result is the same either way. Actually, probably worse if it's not deliberate.

Anyway...enough of that. I'm going to go and giggle myself to sleep. I have to be up in 4.5 hours for work. Blargle! At least I get to go to the gym tomorrow night! Hurrah me!

BTW--does anyone in Halifax want to go see Tom Fun Family Orchestra with me at the Seahorse on Friday night? They rock the casbah!

Sadie and the Very Long Day.

It's Friday!

Under normal circumstances, this would be a good thing. Today, however, not so much.

As seems to e his wont, my boss is coming to visit today. He always seems to choose the Friday that I work the close shift. I.e. 12-9:30 pm. Except that he comes to visit me at 9 or 10 am. Which means that in order to a) prepare for him and b) get any REAL work done, I have to go to work at 8 am. And then stay until 9:30 pm. This makes for a Very Long Day. Add to that, the fact that he doesn't seem to notice that we don't stop for lunch...and that he stays long into my supper hour, so that I have 10 minutes to run to Tim Horton's before my only other coverage in the store has gone home for the day. It makes me cranky.

Particularly knowing that today? I'm going to get reamed out again. This time though, I at least semi-deserve it. I missed a deadline on Friday. I sent the email with the file attached, but because he didn't receive it--I missed the deadline. And then I was sick on Monday and Tuesday, so he sent me a series of nasty emails for the first 3 days of the week. Wednesday morning when I arrived, he called me before I could even get into my emails to see the other nasties. I pointed out that I had been out sick, and hadn't received them, or I'd have noticed his file sitting waiting in my Outbox sooner.

Anyway, he got what he wanted, but he's not going to be happy with me. Whatever.

What I found ironic is that my work email account shut itself down for sending because my inbox was too full. Because my boss sent me no less than 6 emails FILLED with photos of other people's stores. And then the email server sends you a very large email telling you that you have to delete things, because your mailbox is too full. I had about a dozen of those. Because once you hit your capacity? Every time someone sends you an email, the server sends you one too. Hilarity ensues. Well, not really. But definitely irony. Irony ensues.

I've got a bunch of stuff I 've got to get organized before I head into the office, so I should head out. I just wanted to drop by and say 'Hi!'. So... Hi!

This is a link...

...that is a bit unusual for me to post.

It's a blog I read--which is unlike anything in my side-bar. It's not one of the blogs that I would normally share with you. But this post....this post is amazing.

It reminds me how a new relationship SHOULD be. Of what I want someone to feel about me. Of what I deserve.

This man is a skilled wordsmith, even if you don't appreciate his topics. And this post is not what he usually writes about...so when I say NSFW--I mean it.

The Provocateur. (Not Safe For Work)

Shaking it off.

I don't know where to start in order to sort myself out right now.

I had a great weekend--went into the city and hung out with Tamara. Went out with her and Steve & Duffy on Saturday night--had a great time. Too many martinis and a whole lot of laughing. Not a lot of sleep, overall, but it was a lovely time. (actual details to follow)

Today before I was leaving the city I met up with the old landlord and dropped off the mail-key and the dehumidifier. I was feeling good. I was feeling strong. I made what seemed like a good decision at the time and called Billy to go for a coffee.

He was up for it, so we did. Now, we haven't spoken a word to one another in a week. Which is the longest we've ever gone without speaking in almost 2 years. Previous record? 2 days.

Anyway, we went for coffee. It was nice. We chatted. It was mostly superficial. He's been sick for a few days. Which I pretended I didn't know, but mainly did because of Face*book. It was good. I mentioned that I'd seen Kenneth & Amanda at the market on Saturday morning and that it had been 'more than a little embarrassing'. He seemed surprised and asked why it would be embarrassing. I pointed out that they don't really know me well enough to know that I don't generally have melt-downs in public, and that I found it a bit humiliating having to face them. He said "Bah, I wouldn't worry about that!" Which led me to believe that even he was mostly over my screaming at him on the street.

It was a nice time, and I actually thought I'd come away from it quite cleanly. I thought that almost all the way home. But 2 hours of driving is a long time to drive without Thinking About Stuff. [insert ominous music here]

I got thinking about ways that I could work to be his friend, and yet move on with my life. I got to thinking about how unlikely it is that at my age I'm going to suddenly meet the man who's going to fill all the stupid little dreams I've had about what my life would look like, and how sad that is. I got to thinking about how easy it appears for other people, and that sometimes it's comforting watching other people have difficulties because it makes it easier to accept the mess you've made of your own life by believing the hype. (yeah, I think in run-on sentences too--deal with it.) That made me think that I'm an evil bitch, which is likely why I haven't met Prince Charming yet--Karma. You see what happens when I'm alone too long with my thoughts? Nobody said being a girl was easy!

I made a point of not checking my FB when I got into the house. I unpacked a couple of boxes, made some supper. And checked my FB. And that's when the troubles really began.

I have been making a point of trying not to stalk him. I haven't been playing Scrabble with him. I've deleted him from my MSN. I was doing well.

Until tonight. I started with the stalking.

I should rewind a bit...Last Sunday when I got home after my drama-tastic weekend, I immediately changed my FB status to 'single'. I'd previously had it just benignly as nothing listed. But I needed to make that change for myself, to make myself clue in to the fact that despite how much 'preparing' I'd thought I'd done, it was truly final. I did it, but then hid the storyline so it didn't prompt in people's newsfeeds. Several people noticed on their own and sent me messages--but mainly it was pretty quiet.

Well, Friday...I saw in my newsfeed that little shattered heart icon that stated quite firmly that 'Billy is now single.' And it just about broke my heart. I don't know why it affected me so much, because I'd known. Hell, I did it first. I've known for MONTHS. But seeing it there, in black and white, for the entire interweb to see made my heart do a sad little flop.

It was partly because it made it more real, but mainly because of the loss of something that might have been Not what was really lost (i.e. a dysfunctional dating history), but the Idea that I'd lost. That somewhere out there was someone who Got Me.

Anyway...coffee was good. But I got thinking on the way home. It was too comfortable, the conversation. And not 'too comfortable' as in 'I want to go back and try yet again'...but as in 'we've always gotten along like a house on fire when we're in the same room and why should now be any different'? It was comfortable enough to lead me to believe that we could hang out with impunity. That is dangerous. Because it's not true just yet.

Anyway...I did some unpacking and then made a decision. I decided I'd sign up on POF again(I KNOW!!! *sigh*) to possibly meet some people and make some new friends. I'd actually put down 'friends' on my 'looking for' portion. I filled out the personality profile. I originally opted to not post a photo. I finished the registration, and hit 'my matches' to see what came up.

So...guess who was top of the list? Yeah. Kick to the gut. And he'd been there long enough to have a line in his profile saying that he'd had to change it because people had the wrong idea about what 'hanging out' meant.

I wasn't actually surprised to see him there...I should have expected it. But I didn't. It caught me off guard. And it hurt. But that's probably a good thing. The thing that pissed me off is that 3 of the photos he has posted are ones that I took of him. And one of them I took last Saturday night. He stole them from my FB and posted them on his dating page. *grumble*

It shouldn't bother me, but it does. Anyway. The other person that came up immediately was Dan-o. The guy I went to the wedding with 2 Augusts ago. He's funny as hell. Sent me a message already. We've just exchanged fake names and set up a rendezvous at a trashy motel. Nice to see SOME people have a sense of humour.

I was ready for bed at 8:40..and it's now 11:45. I've wasted the last 2 hours flipping back and forth between FB and POF in a stalking frenzy. I need to cut it the fuck out. I'd delete my POF right away, except that I forgot to change my settings so people couldn't see that I'd checked out their profiles...so when my shock caused me to click his profile, he knew it. And he clicked mine back. So I don't want him to think that I just made a profile to stalk him, because I didn't. I didn't even know he was there! But it would look stupid. And since I deleted him from MSN, I couldn't make a joke about it and move on.

But he still has MY MSN, and I know he hasn't erased me because today he mentioned a couple of my taglines from this past week. So he's seen them, and he's paid attention. He didn't message me after seeing me on POF either...so I think I'll just let it go. Even though the photos piss me off. A lot.

Holy shit, I can't believe I've let this crap bother me so much. I guess what this tells you, poppets, is that you should never fall in love with your best friend. And that once you realize that you shouldn't be in love with your best friend, you don't let them talk you into doing it anyway. Because they're wrong. And you'll only turn into a loopier, sadder, lonelier, mildly crazier version of yourself. Until you learn to shake it off.

I'm learning. But I think it's going to be a long process.

Brr.

For the record, I'd just like to state that I*rving home heating blows dead goats.

Today was a rather average kind of day. Until I got home, that is.

When I'm at work, I turn down the thermostat. When I get home, I turn it up again. When I got home after work tonight it was almost 10 pm. I made some dinner. I did some dishes. Then I wondered why I was so cold. Oh yeah! I didn't turn up the heat--16.5*C isn't really all that warm. So I headed over to the thermostat. It's digital, so very easy to read and adjust. It tells me to the tenth of a degree what the actual temperature is inside the house, and allows me to program it to the half a degree. I cranked it up to 20*C--where I I like to keep it when I'm home--and went to see what was doing online.

After about 20 minutes, I was still cold so I went to the thermostat and noticed that it was actually COLDER inside the house than it had been 20 minutes earlier. This was odd. So I cranked the temperature up to 23*C. I listened for the furnace to kick in. It did not. Uh oh.

The insurance inspector guy was here this morning, so I figured I'd double check to see if he'd accidentally done something to the furnace. I saw that the pilot light was not on. I checked the oil gauge on the tank. EMPTY. Fuckers. I'm supposed to be on automatic replenishment. I'm NEVER supposed to run out of oil, because they're supposed to fill the tank BEFORE IT GETS EMPTY.

Fuckers.

Anyway, at 11:00 pm I called the 1-800 number. Patrick promised to dispatch the oil truck immediately, and that the oil truck driver would do a Bleed&Start on my oil tank when he got here. He apologized profusely for letting me run out of oil. At 11:00 pm when I called, it was 15.6*C inside my house.

I was exhausted at this point, and wanted to be in bed asleep--not waiting for the oil man. I have to work at 7AM. I am going to Halifax right after work. I need to be asleep. But I waited.

And waited.

And at 1:00 I decided I was impatient, and phoned again. Jeffrey told me the driver had been dispatched and was in transit. At 1:48 the truck showed up. And he wasn't able to fill up the tank.

The whistle doesn't work on my oil filler pipe. So he wasn't supposed to put any oil in it. Which is likely what happened on the 8th of December, when they filled (and billed!) me a whopping 5.8 litres. I thought it was petty when I got the invoice, but I figured that with a big storm coming up, I must have had plenty of oil and they were saving it for someone who really needed it. Apparently my logic was flawed.

Apparently, the whistle wasn't working, so they weren't allowed to fill the tank. The guy who was here THAT time, just didn't bother to tell anybody. He must have been the same guy that was supposed to inspect my oil tank before the first fill and didn't, but told them that he did. He must also have been the same guy that then did NOT start my oil tank after I ran out of oil the last time--but told the oil company that he had.

Anyway, they gave me 57 litres for tonight, and started the furnace. It was sooo nice to see the temperature start to climb again! The boy who did it was nice, he put in a service call right away--before he even came inside to start the furnace! I'm the first stop on the service tech's day tomorrow. Which is all great and good, but I have to be at work at 7. So if they need to come inside the house for some reason, they'll have to call me to get someone to run over some keys. Idjits. My contract with them has been nothing but trouble so far. Thankfully they're smart enough to hire a few really great associates that make me not absolutely want to fire-bomb their offices. I'm just sayin'.

At least the furnace is on now, and I'll be warm until breakfast. I just wish that Billy Elliot hadn't been on TV while I was waiting, because now I don't want to go to sleep, even though I have to be up in just 3 and a half hours! Oh well. Plenty of time to sleep when I'm dead.

G'night folks!

So...

...I accidentally shut my computer off as I was moving into the bedroom to get ready to head to bed. I fully intended to blog before sleep, but I was definitely going to bed...I'm completely knackered.

I went to the trouble of turning the computer back ON--which is a hassle, as the laptop has been taking an outrageously long time to boot up these days.*

*note to self: take computer in to have drive cleaned up and de-bugged.

So I turned on the computer, fully intending to blog immediately, then head straight to sleep. I have a long day tomorrow, and just realized I have to be at work EARLY instead of getting to sleep in late as I had originally thought.

Then, for reasons unbeknownst to me, I got sucked into game after game of Spider Solitaire. I checked my e-mail, again. (I didn't have any.) I looked at my MSN contacts. I managed to NOT log into Facebook to see who was around, but it was tough.

And yet, I did not blog. *boggle*

Today I unpacked some boxes--not as many as I should have, but some. I shovelled snow for an hour or so, tidying up the drive and the path to the mailbox/oil tank. I swept out the garage. I did a load of laundry. I washed a pen. It leaked. I re-washed a load of laundry. The second time, it was only the pretty yellow shirt I got at Frenchy's a couple of weeks ago.*

*Miraculously, it was the only casualty in the pen-washing incident. And although the shirt was pretty, it was purchased for the sole purpose of wearing while painting. So really, even if it's wrecked, it's no great loss.

I see by my list that I was quite productive today, even though I didn't feel like I was particularly so.

I played Scrabulous tonight on the Crackbook, and I chatted with Billy a bit about tomorrow night.

We're expecting an insane storm tomorrow/tomorrow night so I may have to revise my plans to include NOT driving to Halifax. That makes me VERY sad, as I was looking forward to spending a fun-tastic evening drinking, dancing, celebrating, and breaking up. Oh well...we shall see what transpires. I just don't want to spend my New Year's Eve sitting on my living room floor (or sofa!!!) surrounded by boxes, drinking alone and hoping somebody's on MSN that I can wish a Happy New Year to. It's how I spent last year (sans boxes) and I have no desire to do so again any time soon.

I have a feeling we'll either end up at the ceilidh at Your Father's Moustache, or at O'Carroll's. If we disagree early enough in the evening, I'll head to Beeler's for a party and just crash there for the evening. Either way, it should be fun. I'm a good time! :-) (I hate smileys with noses, but if you don't use a nose, then it comes out as a capital J when you enter your post...so suck up the noses!)

All my favourite blogs (238 at last Bloglines count) except a couple of you marvelous folks on my blogroll are doing introspective 'best of 2007' 'goals for 2008' posts. Quite frankly, I can't be arsed.*

I've done so much introspection and thinking over the last month or so, perhaps on Tuesday I'll fill you in on some of it. It's not even all negative! :-) Go me!

I hope you all have a FANTASTIC New Year's Eve--and that none of you are too hindered by the threat of a storm. Go forth, look fabulous, drink fantastic drinks, and have a good time. And if not, at the very least consider that there are others out there that don't look nearly as fabulous as you, so you can at least cling to that! (Hey, it's a good night for being shallow--embrace it!)


*What's with all the british-isms tonight? Who do I think I am--Dame Edna?**

**Yes, I know Dame Edna is Australian.

*** (yes, i know there was no corresponding asterisk up above, again with the sucking it up!) When I just did a spell-check, I found that Blogger doesn't have an issue with the word "ceilidh"--but it doesn't recognize "blogroll". What the heck?

Good Tuesday Morning to you!

It's raining. It's cold.

I still haven't got any furniture, but one of the girls from work loaned me a television last night. I apparently have no cable plug in my living room. *boggle*

I want to go to Halifax tonight for Gaelic and then beer after--but I'm afraid that I'll seem far too pushy to be there 3 times in one week. Except that I want to go, so I just might. I have to trade away my day off this week anyway, so...*sigh*

I also need to finish organizing a Christmas party, and then get my store ready for yet another Royal visit. *le sigh*

This would all be so much easier if I were sleeping in a bed, and had a chair to sit on. I need to get all over the movers this morning to find out when the heck they're going to pick up my stuff. They haven't even cleared it out of the old place yet, so I can't even go in and clean. I have to be out by Friday. Yoiks!

This is why my stress levels are creeping back up again. Oh well.

Yesterday was a lovely day. I came home for lunch...man do I love to do that. Anyway, I'm going to be late for work if I don't get a hustle in my bustle. Have a great day, poppets. :) More later.