Hmmm.

The concept of Twit*ter annoys me, and yet that seems to be how I'm blogging these days-140 characters at a time.

I've been looking half-heartedly for a new apartment as mine is too tiny for words. But now I need to get serious about it. Mainly because winter is coming, and with no entry way for shaking off/dripping the snow and rain, so the apartment will be a big sopping mess for 4 months straight. But now, because I found mould in my bathroom this morning.

When the washer fills/drains water comes up through the bathroom floor. Apparently stopping that from happening was not enough. Mould, people. I see major construction in the not so distant future. Bah.

The high-school ex (HSX) continues to message me, and while it's nice to be in touch, it's a bit odd just how MUCH he's in touch. It's funny, too, how odd a thing it is to know someone so very well with regards to their personality and behaviour and yet know nothing about their life for the last 15 years. For instance, who knew that his 'passion' was for cooking?! And he's opening a catering company on the side? Boggles me, it does.

I'm very quick to anger lately, and I don't like that. I've been frustrated and bored at work. I need to get off my butt and start looking for something different, but the motivation isn't there. So I guess that means things aren't that bad! :). I DO need a vacation, but cannot afford one right now, so that's out. I am not the type of person that can take days off and just hang out at home and come out feeling relaxed. That makes me depressed that I didn't do anything productive with my time. Anybody want to win the lottery and cut me in on the proceeds? I didn't think so. Oh well--back to the drawing board.

I've been trying to come up with some sort of plan to make money on the side myself, and I have to say I'm not doing so well with it. Well, that's not true, it's just that I require more free time than I currently have to put the plans into action.

Plan A: gluten free Christmas baking. Cookies and squares platters for people who think there's nothing for them to eat at Christmas fests. I could do this at home and put up signs at the grocery store and on Kijiji.

Plan B: event planning. I have quite a lot of experience with this, as I used to arrange and coordinate company picnics for a living. I'll plan, arrange, set up, serve at, and clean up your private event in your home.

Plan C: errand running. I.e. Picking up groceries, dropping off and fetching dry-cleaning, Christmas gift shopping for people who hate malls but have not yet embraced the interweb. The problem with this is not knowing how many people would use such a service, and how much to charge for convenience. I'd have to play it by ear and see-standing in line at Toys R Us has to be worth A LOT! :)

Anyway, I'm open to suggestions and limited in saleable skills.

I guess I had more than 140 characters worth of stuff after all. Lucky you! *tee-hee!*

Have a lovely day, Poppets!

P.s. For those of you in the know, my baby sis got engaged on Tuesday night! :) no date for a while, but quite a lovely ring.

Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Yawn

I am tired. Constantly so.

It seems that I can never get to sleep before midnight (or later!) and when I am up at 5 AM that's far too late. Even the mornings that I start work late I need to be up by 8 AM. It's just not enough.

Today we have big-wigs visiting. They've been coming to visit for over a month now and never showing up, so it will be nice to finally get it over with. Everyone has been working so hard to prepare for the royal visit and it's disappointing when they don't show up.

DD is coming down this weekend, and while I haven't seen him in almost a month I am slightly annoyed about it. I have no idea WHY I am annoyed by his visit-but I am.

Honestly, I've been sliding into a bit of a funk lately. I didn't notice at first, but this last week has made it more clear to me. There is still so much going on that is on the downhill side of life that it's been rather difficult to be Little Suzy Sunshine. I hope that depression is not going to become a frequent visitor in my life-I am definitely NOT a fan! :)

The dog is good. The apartment is still minute. And messy. The car is still AWOL. BUT-I have some great friends. I live in a city with public transit-however inefficient it may be. I am very securely employed. I am quite healthy. Things could be FAR worse.

The high-school BF visited back in July with his kids. It was a blast. Now, after more than 15 years of non-contact, he keeps messaging me with updates on his day, his festing, even drunken photo texts of the bonfire. It's nice to be in touch-the familiarity of an old friend was instantaneous-but I'm not sure that he's not projecting a little bit. He's recently (not sure how recent) separated, and I think that the instant familiarity may have hit him in the wrong way.

Regardless, it's nice to be in touch again. It's pretty harmless anyway, considering that I live 4 provinces and a 22 hour drive away. :). I don't always have to be responsible for other people's feelings, no matter how much I think I do! :)

The drain from the washing machine is leaking its way into my bathroom. I know this because puddles are working their way up from the sub floor and settling on top of the linoleum. This is not good and needs dealt with immediately. The bad parts-a) it's getting cold out and I don't need a 3'x6' construction zone; b) I have only the one, very tiny bathroom; c) it's not going to be a quick and easy fix. It will require removing at least one wall, likely two, and replacing the entire sub floor. I dread it-which is why I haven't mentioned It to the landlord yet, even though I've known for a couple of days. This has obviously been going on for a long while so I can't imagine that 3 more days (until I have a day off and can tidy up the apartment) will hurt too much.

Well- that's it for this morning, poppets. Too much text-typing for one morning. My thumbs are sore! :D
Happy Wednesday folks (it's nearly Thirstday!!!)

Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

So what?

In an attempt, however misguided, to avoid having to do work or blog I have read through every last post in my bloglines. The thing that is most scary about that? I have over 235 sites marked in there.

And none of you have anything new to say.

Well, you may have at 9 am, but you don't NOW and that's the issue.

What? I haven't said anything new and interesting either? You're right. And so what, I say? So. What.

I'm supposed to be doing work at home. I'm supposed to be frantically putting the finishing touches on an awards 'banquet' that I'm hosting tonight. I'm supposed to be working to make it not look like a thrown together, shoe-string budget, last-minute event. But it *IS* a thrown together, shoe-string budget, last-minute event.

The background story:

My company has a couple of ways that we recognize people and their efforts at excellence in service throughout the year. One is through Caught-yas (our version of the Atta-boy!) These are completely associate driven. If you see somebody going out of their way for a customer or for another associate, you write them up a little note. We hand them out at our monthly meetings, and you get recognized for doing a good deed. It's kinda nice.

The other is through a star award. Customers that take the time to write or call in to say that they were pleased with a particular associate or circumstance receive a letter thanking them for taking the time to do so. The associate in question gets a copy of the letter, as well as a letter of thanks. They receive a service star that they may or may not choose to sew onto their shirts. If they get 5 of them, they get $75 ($50 after tax).

These are both nice things. At the end of the year, usually in February or March, the associates from each store that got the most of each type of award went to Moncton for an awards luncheon where plaques and small prizes were handed out. The associates who received the most of each type of note corporately, won a largish prize--usually a jacket of some sort.

These, also, are nice things.

We're not doing that this year. Well, everything but the luncheon. The same associates at each store seemed to be attending each year. What was supposed to be an incentive/appreciation luncheon had turned into a source of grousing and bitterness for the associates left behind at the store.

So this year? We're each having our own banquet at the individual stores. I think this is a GREAT idea, as it recognizes EVERYONE for their contribution to the success of the business, and thanks people for working together. It still singles out the super-stars, but also recognizes the smaller, consistent twinklers.

So...what could be wrong with this picture? Well. I was given $250 to do it with.

(I'll wait while you gasp in shock.)

I'm supposed to throw a BANQUET for 35 people, with $250. That is to include site, food, PRIZES and entertainment. And do it in a non-alcoholic location with no access to booze.

Mwahahahahaa! I don't know how many of you have ever done event planning (except you, Principessa!) but this is relatively impossible if you want it to be any sort of fancy-pants EVENT. And it's supposed to be just that.

I could possibly pull it off if I planned for 6 months, was able to do it outdoors in the summertime, and had a much bigger pool of competent helpers than I do. But I had 3 weeks to piece together a half-assed $250 party to thank people for contributing to the overall success of a multi-million dollar corporation. Oh yeah. My job rocks sometimes.

So we're going to a pool-hall. I rented the 'private function room' (is it my fault if it is sponsored by a major brewer of beer?) and an extra table for the entire evening. This cost me $50. It would have been $60, but we're going mid-week.

We booked lasagne, garlic bread and ceasar salad from a local restaurant--they are providing plates, cutlery and napkins as well. This will cost me $224 including taxes. (see the problem already?)

I'm also supposed to provide prizes and awards. No place in this town sells pre-printed certificates. I had to settle for fancy stationery from Walm*rt and invent my own award papers. I am currently making a single file bigger than my head to take to work and print out before 6pm tonight.

I also have to go buy 3 more jokey prizes, and one big Good Prize, as well as another $20 gift certificate.

The husband of one of the girls at work made a Plinko board for HIS work. We're borrowing it, and we're going to play 'the price is right' tonight. I picked out a bunch of small, common, yet obscurely priced items to take with us, and people will bid on the items in groups of 4. If they win their round, they get a Plinko token. When they play Plinko, they can win a card with a numbered prize on it. The prizes are cheezy dollar store items that I went out and bought last night. Three of the 9 prizes will have $20 gift cards hidden on or in them.

We will then eat, I will hand out the certificates. I will award the corporately provided backpacks (nice--but seriously--how many 50 year old men do you know that are jonesing for a new Roots backpack with the company logo on it?!) and then hand out the peer-selected MVP award. This person will receive a certificate and a $50 certificate to the only decent restaurant in town.

I've managed to spend about $500, which I think is not bad, all things considered. I'm surprised that nobody from head office has called to rag me out for having the function in a place where booze is served--I was fully expecting that. But seriously, where can you get a venue for 35 people for the entire night, that provides entertainment AND lets you bring in outside catered food for $50? No place. I think I freaking rock.

If it comes off okay. Which right now, it's not quite feeling that it's going to. I'm procrastinating by blogging and reading blogs because I have too much to do in the next 2 hours. The panic will start to set it any minute. I also have no idea what I'm going to say to host this shin-dig. Good thing I'm a master at winging-it. Well, I think I am, anyway. Everyone is always far too polite to tell me otherwise!

Talk to you later, poppets. Happy Tuesday!

Oh my.

First, let me begin by saying... Happy Easter!

Then...let me follow up with Happy Belated Saint Patrick's Day!

I didn't go out on St.Paddy's day after all, which was a good thing overall. I had decided that I wasn't going to go if/when DD called, so when he called with apologies that work had waylaid him, I didn't even have to feel bad about it.

It was good too, because I was still physically pooped from my weekend last weekend. Which I have to say, I've been dwelling on in my mind quite a bit this week.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what was said between Billy and I, and trying to reconstruct the pieces that are woefully absent from my memory banks. I blame that part on the lack of sleep, as I choose to not believe that for the first time ever my poor memory of a specific event is alcohol induced. But in addition to that, I've been thinking about how much I need a vacation. And how much fun the last one was. And wondering if it'd be okay to broach the idea of another roadtrip in the next couple of months or so. I'm still just pondering--but I REALLY need a vacation--and the last one was a riot. We'll see. I don't know if I'm that brave/stupid/healed yet. Well I do. No/yes/hells no. Heh.

Um...worked all week. Was supposed to be off Saturday--worked. Worked Friday too. The guys were in to wax the floors at work, so we had to move all the freight off the floor on Thursday night. I had to let the guys into the store on Friday morning at the crack of dawn--then go back a couple of times.

I was going to go back at lunch time, but I got a little side-tracked. I had decided to make stew for supper--so got chopping and boiling. It was well on its way to being delicious, when I decided to make a smothie for my lunch.

I've been on a bit of a smoothie kick the last couple of days. I had one at Tamara's a couple of months ago, and it was delicious. Ever since I've been coveting a mini-blender. I bought one of those hand-whizzers early in the week. It's a PC one, and it comes with a mini-chopper for doing veggies, as well as a beaker-type cup for making shakes and such. I have been eating ice-cream, OJ, and frozen raspberry smoothies all week. DELICIOUS.

So I was making one. It was kinda huge. I was kinda hungry. I pulled out the whizzer from the cup. I pulled out the plug from the wall. I stuck my finger in to wipe out all the extra berry goo, and apparently there was still some dormant power in there. And also, apparently, I managed to squeeze the button as I was poking. So Yeah. I'm a moron. A moron with stitches. But thankfully still with all her finger bits. I'll post a photo of my bandage tomorrow--and the wound itself on Wednesday when I get to take the bandage off.

I'm a genius.

Friday I was here--save the 2.5 hours at the hospital (pretty good for stitches on a holiday!). Saturday (my day off) I worked for 4 hours putting stock away that had been moved on Thursday. I then came home, frigged around, had a nap, then headed to Halifax to chill with Duffy and his buddies. Steve was still in NF for his granny's funeral.

We headed out to the Lower Deck (my HappyPlace*TM*) for some fun. I'd had a tylenol with codeine (just OTC T-ones) at 7:30, and didn't have a drink until 10 at Duff's. Then, when we got to the bar, I had another. I was starting a third when I began to feel like absolute crap. I just couldn't make my way through the bottle. Anyone who knows me, knows this is NOT usually an issue.

I felt nauseous, but not pukey. I felt just generally out of sorts. I wanted to stand. But I wanted to sit. By 11:30 I just wanted to die. I had gone upstairs with Cal*lan at one point to look for the others. There was nobody around, so we danced to one song. I couldn't stay moving for more than that. Anybody who knows me, knows that this also is not normal. I'm a dancing MACHINE.

I went back downstairs to see the band. Coming around the staircase, I bumped into the newel and grazed my rib. Today? I have an enormous bruise. Apparently I didn't just 'graze' it so much as pile into it. Oh well.

A man standing next to me at the back of the room began some idle bar-chatter. I was trying hard to be polite and cheerful, but I was dizzy. And sweating. Sweating, I say! Ridiculous. I knew I was in rough shape.

The problem comes here--I was staying at Duffy's. Duffy, who I know only slightly, through Steven. And they were loaded and having a good time.

The lower portion was closing and everyone headed upstairs to dance. I went up, but couldn't see them, so I went downstairs to talk to my friend who happened to be the coat-check girl. This way I could have lots of fresh air, not be crowded, but also not miss anybody should they decide to leave.

Anyway, I was there until about 2. At this point the bar was closing, I was feeling slightly better, and I went up to find the boys & girls. On the way home we stood briefly in line at Cheers, and also at the Alehouse. Then we had horrible pizza, and went home.

I felt so much better at this point, that sleep was good.

The lesson, boys and girls? Beer and codeine don't mix. Even if the codeine should have worn off by the time you drink the beer, and you don't have much beer anyway. Because wanting to die isn't a fun feeling. Just sayin'.

Today was a great day--beautiful drive home, got here early-ish, baked some delicious new muffins, avoided doing any work at all (BAAAAAD); and finally, although I put it off all day long, blogged.

I don't know why I have had such a block about it all week. I've had time. I've been bored, in fact. I've been stalking all of YOUR blogs. I just have not had the oomph to post myself. I've *wanted* to--just not really known where to begin, I guess.

Part is likely that things are still shit at work, and I am tired of dwelling on that. Part is that I've been very introspective all week, and have been thinking a lot about things I know I shouldn't. I've been thinking about things that are necessary changes, as well as things I'd like to see magically improve. I have been trying to come up with some goals--I haven't had any for a while now, and I need some focus in my life.

I read 2 books this week. That was a hugely positive change. I haven't read for pleasure since Christmas. I missed it. It also challenged my brain in a way that managed to keep me away from my internet connection for a while.

To be honest, I know that the net is sucking out my brains and all of my free time. I'm seriously considering a semi-boycott. I'm considering cutting out my FBook addiction, as well as my blog reading. I'd keep the blog, and a reduced daily reading list. I don't know if I can stick with it or not, but I know that the last 2 weeks that I've been 'appearing offline' on MSN and not keeping the crack-book logged in in the background I've gotten a lot more accomplished at home. It seems that the second I power up the laptop, I lose 4 hours. It's not good.

As I said though, I'm just considering right now. I need to give it some more thought.

So here's the thing...

...the longer you stay away, the easier it gets.

I've written a dozen posts in the last two weeks--but none of them have managed to make it to actual written text. I've composed a billion of them in my head...but that hasn't helped you lot very much, now has it?

So this may be long, this may be short. It's late, so hopefully the latter.

Item the first:

I went for a drink--okay several--with a man I met on POF. He's a cable-guy. I was quite clear about just wanting to be friends. He seemed fine with that. Later that week, we then went to the movies and had coffee. (We saw Juno--it was a lovely little film--the critics are all correct about this one. Not Oscar worthy as a film, but Ellen Page was fantastic--SHE deserves one...but I digress.) It was okay. I think he was confused about what I consider 'friends' to be. I think he gets it now. He hasn't called me since. I'm okay with that.


Item the second:

Lent began. I gave up coffee. I had a wee bit of an headache on the first day, but nothing much since. I didn't 'cheat' on Sunday, although most clerics say that Sundays don't count because they're officially Feast Days. But to me, it's cheating. So I don't do it. Unless I get desperate. And I'm not there yet. Maybe this Sunday. We shall see. I'm okay with Lent too.

Item the third:

I met a really nice lady on POF. We met for coffee. I had tea. I was okay with that. She seems really nice, if a bit gung-ho. She's from here. Always been from here. Got a bit of an issue with people's social status. She seemed a bit taken aback by my job. I'm thinking she's going to have to learn to be okay with that. That was last Wednesday. We're getting together on Thursday night a local pub to play Guitar Hero. Should be fun. I'd be okay with that.

Item the third:

That same night, DD--my corporate security guy-- came to town again. This time, his intent was entirely social. He met up with us for coffee, and then I went back to the hotel and we drank beer. I got the impression the last time he was in town that he was developing a bit of a crush. This time I was sure of it. He's lovely to talk to--and not unattractive. (I actually had unpure thoughts LOOKING at the guy--first time that's happened in YEARS. Could just be desperation talking, but hey...it was a pretty nifty feeling.) But you know...dipping the quill in the company ink. Not a game I want to play again. I learned my lesson about relationships on the down-low when I was with Luke. Even still, it was nice to be flirted with.

He actually managed to very subtly and very professionally sneak a 'you're a very attractive woman' into conversation. That's impressive. It's also the first time I've heard it from somebody whose opinion might matter to me in a VERY long time. So long, in fact, that I can't recall the last time. Well...I can. It was 2 years ago during the Summer Of Men. So I was due. I was actually VERY okay with that.

I was even okay with the very cheesy and half-hearted comment when I said 'okay, I have to go' and stood up and put my coat on. "Do you really?" *snicker* I mean really...who says that? *laugh* I pretended I hadn't heard him and talked about work as I walked to the door. It was kinda flattering. I needed that. I'm okay with being flattered in a sincere way.

Thing the third: (Am I at 3?)

Friday of last week I went for beer with a fellow I met on POF a looooooooooooong time ago. We'd been on MSN, but then we stopped talking because I started dating Billy...and then I deleted him. I added him as a Facebook friend when he asked me to a while back, and we've been joking around ever since. So when he saw me on POF again, he messaged me on MSN...and we've been chatting it up. He's very funny. We went for beer on Friday, and it was nice. He's very funny in person too, but a lot more reserved and shy than he is online. I didn't expect this. I'm finding that I probably should, but I'm pretty much exactly the same in person as I am online, so it never occurs to me that other people will not be. Anyway, he was fun. We chatted up a storm. We'll be pretty good friends, eventually, I think. I'm very okay with that.

Item the fifth: (I scrolled, that was actually 4 up there. Deal.)

**NOTE** I am absolutely in LOVE with the auto-draft feature. I just hit a mystery button and my post disappeared! I thought I was a goner in Old-Blogger-style fashion. But no! I was saved by the Auto-Draft! Wheee! I love you new-blogger! I love you Auto-draft! I am VERY okay with you! *HUGS*

Item the sixth: (that was not going to be an item, the auto-draft thing, but it was so special a moment to me that it deserved its own bullet point)

Saturday I drove in to Halifax, purportedly to pick up some goods for the store, but really to drink with Steven and Duffy. On the way there, I was taking a truckload of lights to a store along the way. It's a location that sounds like Bureau. I was partway there when the shrink-wrap on my load let go and my truck spewed light fixtures all over the Trans-Canada highway. It was a good time, let me tell you. I pulled over to the side of the road, the guy behind me did the same. He put on his 4-ways and backed up a bit to give the oncoming cars some extra warning. I very cautiously deked out onto the highway to rescue the fixtures from the masses of oncoming steel. I fetched them one at a time, and bolted back to the guardrail on my side of the road. I didn't pile them up at this point, just got them off the road. Once the lights were all over to the side, I then began to stack them neatly into a large pile. I gathered them all to the side, and then spoke to the man in the car behind me. I thanked him profusely for his help and consideration, and assured him I would telephone for assistance immediately.

At this point two things happened. A second car pulled over, and the first man began to pull away. Before he could pull away entirely, I walked up to the passenger window of the second car to assure the newcomers that I was fine. Two young men were in the car, all blinged out and nowhere to go. They asked me for money. The driver got out of the car. His pants were nearly falling off, they were riding so low. He explained that they were having some trouble with their tire, and that their gas tank had a leak in it. He offered to give me one of his rings if I could part with $10 so they could be sure to have enough gas to get back to Halifax. I explained that I didn't even have a dollar fifty to buy myself a cup of coffee, let alone any cash for gas. I have to say, that I don't intimidate easily, but I was feeling quite a bit queasy at this point about the whole situation. Of course, at this point, the first guy decides it's a good time to drive away. Bastige. The car really did look like it was having issues, it was just not a good time for me to begin with--and being approached by two wanna-be thugs at the side of the road when you're already having a tough moment really doesn't make you feel all that Samaritan-like.

So buddy was disappointed, but I was being honest. I asked how far they were going--and they said Halifax. I explained how far away the exit was. I explained that I had to wait for the guy from the store to come and meet me to pick up my pile of lights from the side of the road, but that I too was headed to Halifax. (It was at this point that I realized that I recognized the would-be thugs from the Dome--didn't lend comfort to the situation, just FYI.) I told buddy that while I couldn't offer him gas money, I'd keep my eyes peeled for them, and that if I saw them at the side of the road, I'd pull over and pick them up at least. He looked quite relieved at that and said "Really? That'd be awesome. Even just to watch and make sure we're not stuck. My cell phone died while we were in Moncton--it's been a rough weekend already!"

That made me feel better. They then drove off. That made me feel even better yet.

I piled my lights at the side of the road, then sat in the truck to wait for the cube-van to come from the store to 'rescue' me. I didn't have to wait long, but it was long enough.

Another truck (with a ski-doo on a trailer) stopped up ahead and a really nice man walked back to check on me. I explained that I was fine, and that help was on the way. He was on his way to Newfoundland. I wished him snowy trails, and he went on his way.

Just after that, another car went past. Slowed...brake lights. It pulled over, then reversed up the shoulder to offer assistance. It was our VP of Human Resources. Argh. Not like I couldn't just have an embarrassingly fucked up afternoon in private. Nooooo....I had to do it in front of somebody important. Which meant that I had to confess it to EVERYBODY important. I was NOT okay with that, although he was more concerned about me than the lights, so that was nice.

Finally, the Cube van showed up, we loaded half the lights on the truck, left the other half on mine--(because who wants to play stock transfer at the side of the road at dusk? Really, not me.)-- and I was on my way again.

I got to the Bureau store (no, not furniture, merely a cleverly disguised location) at 6:18 pm. It closed at 6. There wasn't a soul around. Which left me with half a load of light fixtures, and some snow coming up. Argh! So I drove on to Halifax, dropped my load off at their store for the night, and went to Steve's. I REALLY needed a beer at this point! *grin*

Man, this story is getting long....and it's only going to get longer. I think that's it for tonight. I should be able to finish up tomorrow, if I don't make it to Gaelic. Which I likely won't. I'm so far behind at this point that I don't think I can ever catch up. It makes me sad, because I love the in person class, but I'm SOOOOO not good at online stuff. It's like university though, the classes I went to, I pulled of As...the ones that i skipped a lot? C+. Didn't do my GPA any favours, let me tell you.

Anyway--bedtime for this wee-sexy-thing. And you should go too. I'll fill you in on the rest of my rather eventful Un-eventful weekend tomorrow. Goodnight, Poppets!

Sadie and the Very Long Day.

It's Friday!

Under normal circumstances, this would be a good thing. Today, however, not so much.

As seems to e his wont, my boss is coming to visit today. He always seems to choose the Friday that I work the close shift. I.e. 12-9:30 pm. Except that he comes to visit me at 9 or 10 am. Which means that in order to a) prepare for him and b) get any REAL work done, I have to go to work at 8 am. And then stay until 9:30 pm. This makes for a Very Long Day. Add to that, the fact that he doesn't seem to notice that we don't stop for lunch...and that he stays long into my supper hour, so that I have 10 minutes to run to Tim Horton's before my only other coverage in the store has gone home for the day. It makes me cranky.

Particularly knowing that today? I'm going to get reamed out again. This time though, I at least semi-deserve it. I missed a deadline on Friday. I sent the email with the file attached, but because he didn't receive it--I missed the deadline. And then I was sick on Monday and Tuesday, so he sent me a series of nasty emails for the first 3 days of the week. Wednesday morning when I arrived, he called me before I could even get into my emails to see the other nasties. I pointed out that I had been out sick, and hadn't received them, or I'd have noticed his file sitting waiting in my Outbox sooner.

Anyway, he got what he wanted, but he's not going to be happy with me. Whatever.

What I found ironic is that my work email account shut itself down for sending because my inbox was too full. Because my boss sent me no less than 6 emails FILLED with photos of other people's stores. And then the email server sends you a very large email telling you that you have to delete things, because your mailbox is too full. I had about a dozen of those. Because once you hit your capacity? Every time someone sends you an email, the server sends you one too. Hilarity ensues. Well, not really. But definitely irony. Irony ensues.

I've got a bunch of stuff I 've got to get organized before I head into the office, so I should head out. I just wanted to drop by and say 'Hi!'. So... Hi!

Shaking it off.

I don't know where to start in order to sort myself out right now.

I had a great weekend--went into the city and hung out with Tamara. Went out with her and Steve & Duffy on Saturday night--had a great time. Too many martinis and a whole lot of laughing. Not a lot of sleep, overall, but it was a lovely time. (actual details to follow)

Today before I was leaving the city I met up with the old landlord and dropped off the mail-key and the dehumidifier. I was feeling good. I was feeling strong. I made what seemed like a good decision at the time and called Billy to go for a coffee.

He was up for it, so we did. Now, we haven't spoken a word to one another in a week. Which is the longest we've ever gone without speaking in almost 2 years. Previous record? 2 days.

Anyway, we went for coffee. It was nice. We chatted. It was mostly superficial. He's been sick for a few days. Which I pretended I didn't know, but mainly did because of Face*book. It was good. I mentioned that I'd seen Kenneth & Amanda at the market on Saturday morning and that it had been 'more than a little embarrassing'. He seemed surprised and asked why it would be embarrassing. I pointed out that they don't really know me well enough to know that I don't generally have melt-downs in public, and that I found it a bit humiliating having to face them. He said "Bah, I wouldn't worry about that!" Which led me to believe that even he was mostly over my screaming at him on the street.

It was a nice time, and I actually thought I'd come away from it quite cleanly. I thought that almost all the way home. But 2 hours of driving is a long time to drive without Thinking About Stuff. [insert ominous music here]

I got thinking about ways that I could work to be his friend, and yet move on with my life. I got to thinking about how unlikely it is that at my age I'm going to suddenly meet the man who's going to fill all the stupid little dreams I've had about what my life would look like, and how sad that is. I got to thinking about how easy it appears for other people, and that sometimes it's comforting watching other people have difficulties because it makes it easier to accept the mess you've made of your own life by believing the hype. (yeah, I think in run-on sentences too--deal with it.) That made me think that I'm an evil bitch, which is likely why I haven't met Prince Charming yet--Karma. You see what happens when I'm alone too long with my thoughts? Nobody said being a girl was easy!

I made a point of not checking my FB when I got into the house. I unpacked a couple of boxes, made some supper. And checked my FB. And that's when the troubles really began.

I have been making a point of trying not to stalk him. I haven't been playing Scrabble with him. I've deleted him from my MSN. I was doing well.

Until tonight. I started with the stalking.

I should rewind a bit...Last Sunday when I got home after my drama-tastic weekend, I immediately changed my FB status to 'single'. I'd previously had it just benignly as nothing listed. But I needed to make that change for myself, to make myself clue in to the fact that despite how much 'preparing' I'd thought I'd done, it was truly final. I did it, but then hid the storyline so it didn't prompt in people's newsfeeds. Several people noticed on their own and sent me messages--but mainly it was pretty quiet.

Well, Friday...I saw in my newsfeed that little shattered heart icon that stated quite firmly that 'Billy is now single.' And it just about broke my heart. I don't know why it affected me so much, because I'd known. Hell, I did it first. I've known for MONTHS. But seeing it there, in black and white, for the entire interweb to see made my heart do a sad little flop.

It was partly because it made it more real, but mainly because of the loss of something that might have been Not what was really lost (i.e. a dysfunctional dating history), but the Idea that I'd lost. That somewhere out there was someone who Got Me.

Anyway...coffee was good. But I got thinking on the way home. It was too comfortable, the conversation. And not 'too comfortable' as in 'I want to go back and try yet again'...but as in 'we've always gotten along like a house on fire when we're in the same room and why should now be any different'? It was comfortable enough to lead me to believe that we could hang out with impunity. That is dangerous. Because it's not true just yet.

Anyway...I did some unpacking and then made a decision. I decided I'd sign up on POF again(I KNOW!!! *sigh*) to possibly meet some people and make some new friends. I'd actually put down 'friends' on my 'looking for' portion. I filled out the personality profile. I originally opted to not post a photo. I finished the registration, and hit 'my matches' to see what came up.

So...guess who was top of the list? Yeah. Kick to the gut. And he'd been there long enough to have a line in his profile saying that he'd had to change it because people had the wrong idea about what 'hanging out' meant.

I wasn't actually surprised to see him there...I should have expected it. But I didn't. It caught me off guard. And it hurt. But that's probably a good thing. The thing that pissed me off is that 3 of the photos he has posted are ones that I took of him. And one of them I took last Saturday night. He stole them from my FB and posted them on his dating page. *grumble*

It shouldn't bother me, but it does. Anyway. The other person that came up immediately was Dan-o. The guy I went to the wedding with 2 Augusts ago. He's funny as hell. Sent me a message already. We've just exchanged fake names and set up a rendezvous at a trashy motel. Nice to see SOME people have a sense of humour.

I was ready for bed at 8:40..and it's now 11:45. I've wasted the last 2 hours flipping back and forth between FB and POF in a stalking frenzy. I need to cut it the fuck out. I'd delete my POF right away, except that I forgot to change my settings so people couldn't see that I'd checked out their profiles...so when my shock caused me to click his profile, he knew it. And he clicked mine back. So I don't want him to think that I just made a profile to stalk him, because I didn't. I didn't even know he was there! But it would look stupid. And since I deleted him from MSN, I couldn't make a joke about it and move on.

But he still has MY MSN, and I know he hasn't erased me because today he mentioned a couple of my taglines from this past week. So he's seen them, and he's paid attention. He didn't message me after seeing me on POF either...so I think I'll just let it go. Even though the photos piss me off. A lot.

Holy shit, I can't believe I've let this crap bother me so much. I guess what this tells you, poppets, is that you should never fall in love with your best friend. And that once you realize that you shouldn't be in love with your best friend, you don't let them talk you into doing it anyway. Because they're wrong. And you'll only turn into a loopier, sadder, lonelier, mildly crazier version of yourself. Until you learn to shake it off.

I'm learning. But I think it's going to be a long process.

Completely overwhelmed.

I am right now.

I have one day left at work before I go on vacation, and about 8 days worth of stuff that HAS to be complete before I leave. I have a 4.5 hour seminar that I am being forced to attend this afternoon. I also have a visit from my DM this morning at work (I'm not scheduled until noon, but will be in at 10 anyway) where I am going to be chewed out for several things, some of which are my fault, some of which are not.

I have been arguing and negotiating and wheedling with movers for two days, and today/tomorrow MAY be the days that my stuff is finally picked up.

Tomorrow, I have to drive to Lunenburg for the wedding. The rehearsal is tonight, so I'm going to actually miss that part. Which is okay, considering I still have NO IDEA what it is that I'm supposed to be reading during the ceremony.

I don't have time to be blogging, but at least this way I now have a list of some of the crap I need to get done.

Oh well. This too shall pass. Or I'll be unemployed or something.

Talk to you later. When I'm on vacation.

This one is not for the faint of heart.

Looking back at the last couple of months of posts (took me about 3 minutes, they've been so sparse!) I realize that this funk of mine has lasted a lot longer than I thought. I'm not used to not being little Suzy Sunshine, so it's been hard for me to acknowledge.

I didn't go to work yesterday morning. I wasn't sick, although I said I was. I haven't taken a sick day in the 9+ years I've worked for this company, and yesterday there was just not enough money in the world to get me to haul my ass in to the store. I am not well.

I took a mental health morning, but then did not do anything to improve my mental health--except not go to work. And then I even felt bad about it, because my office manager called me 3 times to make sure I was okay. Which was a really sweet thing to do, but all I could focus on was how annoying it was that she just wouldn't leave me the fuck alone.

I thought it was just this place that was getting to me. The not having any furniture (there's a confession here somewhere about that. Maybe I'll get to it later). The not having any friends. The having a wanker boyfriend who hasn't even bothered to pretend he's interested in seeing my new house. The feeling of being stuck someplace for the first time ever.

I love this house. I know that I can be happy in this house, eventually. But I wanted somebody else to love this house too. I wanted somebody else to at least give a crap about my new space. And by extension, show that he gives a crap about me.

I know he's got his own issues. I can make excuses for him better than anybody on earth--you've read lots of them, and you don't even get the 'ready for prime time' versions. I can't deal with his depression, or his selfishness anymore. Because I have my own to worry about.

I am not feeling well.

I'm usually a very happy, cheery person. I love meeting new people.

Lately, I have not been happy at all. I haven't been enjoying my job. I haven't been enjoying the challenge of a new job--partly, I think, because my heart isn't in it. I wish I was somewhere else--and I've never had that be part of the problem when I start a new job before. Even when I moved to Miramichi, and Kzelly was still in Halifax, it was a fun and exciting challenge. I was psyched about the new job, and doing well, and impressing the hell out of the powers that be. I wasn't committed to a life at that point.

The one truly positive thing that being with Billy has done for me in the last year, is to teach me that it's okay to admit out loud that you really want a family. To look deep inside and realize that my job is NOT enough to make me happy forever. That it's okay to want a strong, loving, demonstrative relationship (I miss those) and then to want to grow that relationship to include other little people--so much love, that you need more than 2 people to contain it all!

I've had that kind of relationship--where it was okay to just reach out and touch someone, and to have them do the same. Where I KNEW, all the time, how much he cared for me and about me. Where I was always made to feel attractive, and smart, and special.

I want that again.

Billy and I have bouts of it. But his depression gets in the way. And lately? Mine has too. It's been a hard thing for me to realize, that I'm just not as well as I should be. I know most of it is situational, but I think it's more than that. I think I need to see somebody about it.

Monday night I drove through a monster snow-storm to go to Halifax. I just really wanted to be there. I really was aching to see him, and to be held. Things are so much better when I can deal with them face to face. We had an amazing evening. We hung out, and played, and laughed. He was his FUN self. He was talkative with me. We just watched some TV, and then Napoleon Dynamite (I'd never seen it before), and hung out. It was good.

Tuesday, I hung out all day. I did some errands. I picked up my necklace from the repair shop. I went to the NSCAD Textiles show and looked at 'art'. I bought a chicken from Sobey's, and made us some real dinner. It was good.

He was in a bit of a mood when he came home...we didn't kiss. He didn't say thank-you for supper. We went to Gaelic class, and it was fun. I wasn't nearly as far behind as I expected to be, considering it's the first one I've been to all year long. (I went on Wednesday night online as well.) After Gaelic, a bunch of us went for a drink at the Lion's Head.

Amanda, Kenneth, Shay, Billy and I just sat and chatted. Well, mostly us girls chatted, and Kenneth a bit. Billy a bit too. But it seemed (to me--and I know I'm overly sensitive about this) that he was talking to everyone but me.

We were driving home in the car, and it was cooooold out. We talked a very little bit at the beginning of the drive--it was okay. He was sitting on his hand. I reached over to hold it. He did, for about 10 seconds, then reached over to change gears. And cold as it was, he never took his hand from the gear shift all the way home. I left my hand tucked under his leg. Not because it was comfortable, but because I wanted him to know I wanted to be closer.

We got home and went inside. He had a cigarette. Inside. I went into the bathroom and stood there with the door shut and the fan going. He was checking his facebook when I went into the bathroom. When I came out, I started to get ready for bed. He went into the bathroom. I went over to check my email, but the computer was turned off. Not a big deal, just not terribly considerate.

Anyway...we went to bed. I snuggled. He snuggled. It was good. I made a point, as I usually do, of telling him how attractive I think he is. How much I enjoy being with him. I told him about the time when he was fixing my car, and how sexy I thought that was. He was embarrassed, but I could tell that he was pleased. We had some really amazing sex. And then...nothing.

I snuggled in. I wanted to feel close to him. I NEEDED to feel close to him. He held me. I asked him 'do you think I'm pretty?' I know better than to ask questions like this. I don't do it very often. If I do, it's because I NEED to hear it. This boy has really wreaked havoc on my otherwise stellar self-esteem. I know that strangers think I'm cute, but it's really only his opinion that matters to me and I never know that that opinion is. So I asked him. And got 'Mm-hmm.'

I said 'oh'.

I said 'I'm sorry if I've been grumpy lately. I just miss you a lot.'

'I really miss you too.'

'I love you so much.'

...

He kissed the top of my head and said nothing.

...

...

...

...

'Wow. You don't love me anymore.'

'Shh, go to sleep.' He kissed me on the head again and patted me quiet.

'No, seriously. I need to hear it. I can deal with it if it's true, but my imagination is far worse than knowing what you actually think. Do you love me?'

...

'I don't know.'

...

'oh.'

...

...

'Well. I guess that explains why you've been such an ass to me for the last 2 months.'

'I haven't been. --have I?'

'yeah, you kinda have. I've wanted nothing more than for you to come see my house. Not because I care so much about you seeing my house, but because I want you to want to see it because it's important to me. And honestly? It's not even that the house is important. It's that I want to feel like you actually WANT to see ME.

I'm tired of being asked by no less than 15 people every single Monday if you came up to see me this weekend and what you thought of the house. It makes me sad every single time.'

'Oh.'

He kissed the top of my head and snuggled me. And said 'go to sleep'.

So I tried.

Wednesday morning, I got up early to head to work. I had a 2 hour drive ahead of me. We hugged. We smooched. We hugged forever.

I don't know what's going to happen. We have to make it through the wedding next weekend though. After that? Who knows. He's moving to Edmonton in February, and I know he's been actively working at detaching himself from things and people already. I know that I'm one of those people. I told Tracey last week that I was almost looking forward to February, because at least then there wouldn't be any expectations. But it makes me very sad. And on top of all the other sad I have going on, it's almost too much to bear.

And I'm one tough little bastard...so it's killing me to write all this down. But if I don't write it down, I think I may just self-combust.

Anyway. That's a lot for one post. I likely should have split it up, but once I started, I couldn't stop.

I have to go shower now for my J-O-B and then hit the road. I should have eaten something, but really? Text therapy has been much more beneficial.

I need to get myself back to the gym--I think some regular exercise would definitely help me out right now. But I go on vacation next Friday and am not back until after Christmas--so now's likely not the best time to join the gym. Oh well. :)

Later, poppets. And don't fret, I know it's not really all that bad in the greater scheme of things. Happy Friday. :)

Dating tips.

Here's a couple of dating tips for the gentlemen out there.

1) If your lady-friend has to use her words and ask you "Do you think I'm pretty?" it means that you are not giving her the impression that you actually do find her attractive. Nobody likes asking something like that.

2) The correct response to the question is most decidedly NOT "Uh-hunh".