Shaking it off.

I don't know where to start in order to sort myself out right now.

I had a great weekend--went into the city and hung out with Tamara. Went out with her and Steve & Duffy on Saturday night--had a great time. Too many martinis and a whole lot of laughing. Not a lot of sleep, overall, but it was a lovely time. (actual details to follow)

Today before I was leaving the city I met up with the old landlord and dropped off the mail-key and the dehumidifier. I was feeling good. I was feeling strong. I made what seemed like a good decision at the time and called Billy to go for a coffee.

He was up for it, so we did. Now, we haven't spoken a word to one another in a week. Which is the longest we've ever gone without speaking in almost 2 years. Previous record? 2 days.

Anyway, we went for coffee. It was nice. We chatted. It was mostly superficial. He's been sick for a few days. Which I pretended I didn't know, but mainly did because of Face*book. It was good. I mentioned that I'd seen Kenneth & Amanda at the market on Saturday morning and that it had been 'more than a little embarrassing'. He seemed surprised and asked why it would be embarrassing. I pointed out that they don't really know me well enough to know that I don't generally have melt-downs in public, and that I found it a bit humiliating having to face them. He said "Bah, I wouldn't worry about that!" Which led me to believe that even he was mostly over my screaming at him on the street.

It was a nice time, and I actually thought I'd come away from it quite cleanly. I thought that almost all the way home. But 2 hours of driving is a long time to drive without Thinking About Stuff. [insert ominous music here]

I got thinking about ways that I could work to be his friend, and yet move on with my life. I got to thinking about how unlikely it is that at my age I'm going to suddenly meet the man who's going to fill all the stupid little dreams I've had about what my life would look like, and how sad that is. I got to thinking about how easy it appears for other people, and that sometimes it's comforting watching other people have difficulties because it makes it easier to accept the mess you've made of your own life by believing the hype. (yeah, I think in run-on sentences too--deal with it.) That made me think that I'm an evil bitch, which is likely why I haven't met Prince Charming yet--Karma. You see what happens when I'm alone too long with my thoughts? Nobody said being a girl was easy!

I made a point of not checking my FB when I got into the house. I unpacked a couple of boxes, made some supper. And checked my FB. And that's when the troubles really began.

I have been making a point of trying not to stalk him. I haven't been playing Scrabble with him. I've deleted him from my MSN. I was doing well.

Until tonight. I started with the stalking.

I should rewind a bit...Last Sunday when I got home after my drama-tastic weekend, I immediately changed my FB status to 'single'. I'd previously had it just benignly as nothing listed. But I needed to make that change for myself, to make myself clue in to the fact that despite how much 'preparing' I'd thought I'd done, it was truly final. I did it, but then hid the storyline so it didn't prompt in people's newsfeeds. Several people noticed on their own and sent me messages--but mainly it was pretty quiet.

Well, Friday...I saw in my newsfeed that little shattered heart icon that stated quite firmly that 'Billy is now single.' And it just about broke my heart. I don't know why it affected me so much, because I'd known. Hell, I did it first. I've known for MONTHS. But seeing it there, in black and white, for the entire interweb to see made my heart do a sad little flop.

It was partly because it made it more real, but mainly because of the loss of something that might have been Not what was really lost (i.e. a dysfunctional dating history), but the Idea that I'd lost. That somewhere out there was someone who Got Me.

Anyway...coffee was good. But I got thinking on the way home. It was too comfortable, the conversation. And not 'too comfortable' as in 'I want to go back and try yet again'...but as in 'we've always gotten along like a house on fire when we're in the same room and why should now be any different'? It was comfortable enough to lead me to believe that we could hang out with impunity. That is dangerous. Because it's not true just yet.

Anyway...I did some unpacking and then made a decision. I decided I'd sign up on POF again(I KNOW!!! *sigh*) to possibly meet some people and make some new friends. I'd actually put down 'friends' on my 'looking for' portion. I filled out the personality profile. I originally opted to not post a photo. I finished the registration, and hit 'my matches' to see what came up.

So...guess who was top of the list? Yeah. Kick to the gut. And he'd been there long enough to have a line in his profile saying that he'd had to change it because people had the wrong idea about what 'hanging out' meant.

I wasn't actually surprised to see him there...I should have expected it. But I didn't. It caught me off guard. And it hurt. But that's probably a good thing. The thing that pissed me off is that 3 of the photos he has posted are ones that I took of him. And one of them I took last Saturday night. He stole them from my FB and posted them on his dating page. *grumble*

It shouldn't bother me, but it does. Anyway. The other person that came up immediately was Dan-o. The guy I went to the wedding with 2 Augusts ago. He's funny as hell. Sent me a message already. We've just exchanged fake names and set up a rendezvous at a trashy motel. Nice to see SOME people have a sense of humour.

I was ready for bed at 8:40..and it's now 11:45. I've wasted the last 2 hours flipping back and forth between FB and POF in a stalking frenzy. I need to cut it the fuck out. I'd delete my POF right away, except that I forgot to change my settings so people couldn't see that I'd checked out their profiles...so when my shock caused me to click his profile, he knew it. And he clicked mine back. So I don't want him to think that I just made a profile to stalk him, because I didn't. I didn't even know he was there! But it would look stupid. And since I deleted him from MSN, I couldn't make a joke about it and move on.

But he still has MY MSN, and I know he hasn't erased me because today he mentioned a couple of my taglines from this past week. So he's seen them, and he's paid attention. He didn't message me after seeing me on POF either...so I think I'll just let it go. Even though the photos piss me off. A lot.

Holy shit, I can't believe I've let this crap bother me so much. I guess what this tells you, poppets, is that you should never fall in love with your best friend. And that once you realize that you shouldn't be in love with your best friend, you don't let them talk you into doing it anyway. Because they're wrong. And you'll only turn into a loopier, sadder, lonelier, mildly crazier version of yourself. Until you learn to shake it off.

I'm learning. But I think it's going to be a long process.