{screeeeech}

...is this thing on?

Several things.

Thing the first, Happy New Year!

Thing the second; this is the funniest thing I've read in a long, long, time. Anybody who actually SAW this speech, knows exactly how accurate it is. "-Jesus, watching Drew Barrymore give a speech is like watching a meth addict on a unicycle." (from HERE)

Thing the third; I'm moving in 2 weeks, and I've never been happier about a move in my life. Even when I was delusionally cheerful in anticipation of the move that would eventually send me into a spiral of depression, sadness, and career suicide. This time, it's because I'm moving from a teeny-tiny apartment (read: closet) into a 3-bedroom apartment which has FOUR separate closets as well as more than 18" of available counter space! And did I mention the upper cabinets in the kitchen? And that my plates no longer need to live on the top of my dresser? Yee-haw. That's all I have to say about THAT.

Thing the fourth; I got screwed over today by the girl who was going to be my room-mate at the new place. I had agreed to a roomie in order to bail her sorry butt out of a sticky situation. Then I got used to the idea of having a roomie (can we say Cheaper Rent? I knew you could!) and was actually looking forward to it. I KNOW. So today, she calls me to say "hey, going to stay here with my folks for a few more months before I move back in with the boyfriend I called you to save me from". {mutter}

Thing the fifth; I have, quite literally, thought about blogging every single day for at least the last 4 weeks. And yet, somehow, managed to not even attempt it. Twice, when opening my Bloglines, the computer managed to open my blogger homepage instead. And I managed to mutter under my breath, look guiltily away, and re-enter 'blo' in my navigator bar in order to find an escape hatch before anybody noticed I was avoiding them. I don't know why.

I read at least 50 blog posts a day, sometimes more. And yet I can't find the time or energy to create one myself. Even when I have things to say and I know I'll feel better if I spew them into the ether. (Also, my typing skills appear to have suffered as a result of the prolonged hiatus. Who'da thunk it?)

My job is the same...mundane. Ho-hum. Unchallenging. I have resolved to myself to apply for a minimum of 6 new jobs this calendar year, and to interview and receive at least one of them. That doesn't mean I have to GET a new job, but rather be offered one. Which involves interviewing. Ideally, it would be a job that I would like, enjoy, and grow to love. However, I'm equally fine with it being Chief Door Scowler at Walmart(I believe the official title is 'Greeter'.) I just have not interviewed for a RealJob^TM in 12 years, and that was for a part-time cashier position while I was at University, and I know that I need the practice so that I can achieve my ultimate goal of World Domination. I mean gainful, challenging employment.*

*If anybody can teach me the easy way to do an overstrike without having to memorize tricky HTML code, I'd be eternally grateful. Well, maybe not eternally grateful, but at least 3 weeks worth of grateful.

My dog is amazing. I can't wait to move so that he can have some space to himself, instead of his always having to be exactly where ever the heck I am. I.e. 3" behind my left ankle. Or in front of me when I'm trying to go somewhere. Or laying in front of the stove while I try to cook supper. Oh yes, he'll have HIS OWN ROOM. Not that I expect him to hang out in it, but MAN is it going to be good to have some extra space again.

The dog is the only thing that has gotten me out of bed some mornings. And even then, I still feel guilty that I make him wait for me so he can have a walk. He should be getting more exercise, as should I. But I'm not. And last Saturday (2 ago, I worked this one) I slept for 12 hours straight. When I had laid down for a 15 minute nap. So yeah. Things ain't completely right in Whoville.

I am actually concerned enough to make a doctor's appointment for this week, as I've also felt muscle twitches in my chest. Not spasms or anything like that, but more of a skin-twitch. But it's WEIRD. And while not unpleasant, per se, rather unusual. So yeah. I'll be doing something about these things this week.

I had one hell of a cold last week, misery and snot abounded. Preceded by an inordinate number (odd thought, that. How does one get an inordinate ordinal? Probably from a non-gambling cardinal.) of headaches. I don't generally get headaches, so I really noticed them. All in the week after New Year's. Like I said, odd. But meh. No biggie.

Billy quit smoking--and I'm so proud of him. I know it's damned near impossible for him, as he's been doing it so long. And the boredom and depression make it an extra difficult challenge. I'm SO proud of him.

DD is good--still living too far away. The Child is apparently doing well at school, but is still reluctant to leave the house. He turned 16 at the beginning of December and took the morning off to get his beginner's permit. He then proceeded to not ask to drive for over a month. His father kept trying to goad him into driving, and The Child kept coming up with reasons that he shouldn't. I suggested DD should leave the kid the fuck alone, and he'd come around on his own.

I was correct.

(See how that warranted its own paragraph? Yeah. I'm THAT kind of non-parent.)

However, the kid is still not driving much, and is opting to not leave the house very often. Even when the guys from school ask him to go out and do stuff. And right now, he's not even fascinated by his video games. So I suggested that this behaviour is not 100% the norm, and perhaps it was time for a friendly visit to the family doctor. Depression is a scary thing, and is a known side-effect of The Child's asthma meds. And it's not normal for 16 year old boys to avoid the opportunity to avoid their parents by hanging out at the mall and flirting with 16 year old girls. Or at least act like morons and wonder why the girls like the older boys. ;)

I wish that I'd gotten off my arse at 10:00 and started this post instead of waiting until almost 1 am. Because now it's damned near 2 am, and I'm pooped. Not to mention that I have to get up in 6 hours. Fwah.

Oh yes....the poor life decisions portion of this post. So after I got screwed over by the almost-but-not-quite-yet roommate, I was a bit put out. I had been contemplating my options: a) go roomie-less and enjoy the solitude and spaciousness of my new abode; b) move into the place, then advertise on Kijiji or FB for a stranger that I could lay out steel-clad rules for; or c) search for an acquaintance that I could stand for a short period of time. I hadn't come up with a solution by the time my shift was over.

I was locking up, talking to DD on the phone, and saying goodbye to everyone as they left (I'm a multi-tasker, what can I say?) when 2 of the newer associates were heading out. "G'night Sadie, G'night Sadie's Beau!" (She too, is a Sadie. What are the odds?! I refer to her as "Other-Sadie". So do her co-workers. I find it amusing.) Anyway, I'm not sure how it started out, but basically she said they may be moving back to Newfoundland. I said "HUH?!?" as they just moved here a few months ago so they could attend school.* As it turns out, their student loans are not coming through as promised. I knew OS (Other-Sadie) had been waiting a long time for hers, but as I too had waited a long, long time for mine, I figured it would eventually come through.

It didn't.

Or rather, it did, but in a much smaller number than she had first been told. They re-assessed her parents incomes, and she was given a much smaller amount based on that reassessment. Her Beau (OSB - heh) received his whole amount, but as his program is available back in NF, and hers is not, he doesn't need to be here for school. So if she doesn't come up with the cash for tuition, she's going to have to move home. And he'll go with her and go to school back on the island. (Her parents aren't in any position to help her out financially, not even by co-signing a loan or a line of credit for her.)

I know how stressed OS is about this, as I nearly starved once upon a time when I was trying to go to school here in NS. It SUCKS. I asked them, quite impetuously I might add, what their rent was, and if cheaper rent would help pay tuition. She said $800/month, which she'd told me before, but I forgot. So I said, "I'm moving in 2 weeks into a 3 bedroom, and it'll be too big for me. So if it'll help, you're welcome to move in with me there, and it would only be $500 instead. So you could stay in school."

What in sweet Jesus' name was I thinking?! I don't want one room-mate, let alone TWO.

But I also really like these 2 kids. They're sweet, and polite, and hard-working, and responsible. And I hate to see ANYBODY drop out of school when it's something they're passionate about. And OS really loves massage therapy. (I know, I know. What the hell?! But she really does love it. Not my cup of tea, but hell--it's a career, and it's a portable skill-set.)

So yeah. Tomorrow I'm going to call her to make sure she knows I mean/t it--and that I'd really rather she take me up on it than she give up on school. School's only 6 months, and I can do anything short-term. I think.

We shall see, anyway. So yeah, my big mouth was writing cheques again. Here's hoping I live to cash this one in.

On the tail end of that lovely story, I'm finally heading to bed. It's 2:11 am, and long since time I was asleep.

I've missed you, poppets. Hopefully it won't be so long again, this time around. Happy Tuesday! :)


*ridiculously overpriced private college

Fun!

Today was the annual company ball tournament-what a great time! I really think that of all the years I've been attending this was the absolute best team we've ever fielded.

We stunk with regards to skills, but we made up for it with good sportsmanship and team spirit. My throat is sore from cheering and screaming and I've got wind burn. It's awesome!

I'll post more later when I actually get home. :)

Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Interesting.

Today's my day off--and it was lovely so far. I accomplished more than usual, but that's not saying much! :)

I read a metric-tonne of blog posts, and in one of my favourites, I found this list. It was originally written by H.Jackson Brown, Jr. (author of Life's Little Instruction Book, among others).

I quite liked it. Enough to re-post it here--so I hope you find one or two tips that you enjoy too.

21 Suggestions for Living Wisely and Well - H.Jackson Brown, Jr.

1. Teach by example.
2. Bless each day with a generous act.
3. Never waste and opportunity to tell someone that you love them.
4. Do something every day that maintains good health.
5. Take family vacations whether you can afford them or not.
6. Stand up for your principles even if you stand alone.
7. Judge your success by the degree that you're enjoying peace, health and love.
8. Be there when people need you.
9. Be devoted to your spouse and dedicated to your children.
10. Be of service to your community and to your country.
11. Have courage when things go wrong.
12. Tell the truth.
13. Maintain your resources wisely.
14. Be satisfied, don't grumble.
15. Don't overlook life's small joys while searching for big ones.
16. Discover the power of prayer.
17. Discover the power of forgiveness.
18. Love people more than things.
19. Look for the good.
20. Search for the truth.
21. Hope for the best.


I think this is a fantastic list, and a really great reminder to be present in one's day to day life. Don't let your life be a series of things that happen to you, or around you. Be an active participant, and EXPERIENCE your life. Something we all forget to do, now and again.

Oh no!

So last night I was up late.

I was actually, for the first time in ages, composing a real blog post. Apparently the fates were against me because there was a power surge at about 12:30am and the power went out. This wouldn't normally be an issue as I use a laptop.

Except for the power surge.

Because now my computer won't work. And I am SAD.

Oh well, the crack berry will help console me through this time of great loss. (tee-hee!)

I had a house-full this past weekend. It was nice, but exhausting. I worked all day Thursday until 9:30 and then had people trickle in until midnight. It was pretty nice, I must say. I got to keep Christine overnight, and DD and the boy-child stayed until Monday.

Friday I dropped C. At the basketball tournament venue, and then the boys and I went to Peggy's Cove. It was a pretty lovely day out, if a bit chilly.

Friday night we went to see Neil Young at the Metro Centre. The show was good, but the opening band stunk. The tickets were ridiculously expensive, particularly to see only one band, and I'd have never gone to it if I'd been the one buying the tickets.

I worked the next morning at 6, and I have to say that it sucked. Anyone in retail will tell you that if stores are to be closed for a day, people think the world is coming to an end and shop like fiends both the day before and the day after aid holiday. Suffice to say that Saturday blew dead goats.

Saturday night DD took The Child to his aunt and uncle's place and the grown ups went out on the town.

A friend of mine from out of town was home for a visit, so some other friends of mine had a wee house party to mark the occasion. Then we all went off to Cheers. 'Twas a train wreck.

We all had a blast. I bumped into Dan-o. I thought I was saving some girl from some creepy guy; and while this proved to be true, I also found myself in a bit of a pickle when she started hitting on me. My radar is usually a finely tuned instrument but it was temporarily off key due to massive alcohol consumption. Oopsie!

I earned myself a very solid hangover on Sunday, and we didn't get up until 2:30. Supper at DD's brother's place was nice, although I could have happily done without him telling them I wasn't doing so well. Oh well. He's pretty slick otherwise.
Because we were out of town on Sunday afternoon I missed getting to say goodbye to Christine, which made me sad. At least I got to see her a bit, even if I had to work during all Bobby's b-ball games.

Overall, I have to say that it was a pretty fantastic weekend.

It's amazing to me that i've finally found somebody who thinks it's fun watching me have fun and mess around with my friends instead of being a big drag who hates my friends.* He even ENJOYED hanging out with them. Pretty impressive, considering that my friends and I are a) quite a handful, b) humungous flirts, and c) out of control. It was a really nice surprise.

*this is not to say my exes were all big drags-(in fact Billy was not at all) but it's really rare for me to find someone that actually not only understands that I'm different in different settings, but actually lets me be me and actively enjoys that. So odd. So refreshing.

Anyway, this is kinda ridiculously long for typing out on a text message keyboard. So have a happy day, Poppets-and please say a few for the speedy recovery of my 'puter!

Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Library stuff for locals!

Most of you will not be aware that the Atlantic Book Awards and Festival is on now, until the 18th of the month.

Why do I mention this, you ask? Well, first because I love books and authors and paper and all things innately Canadian (and so should you); but mainly because there is a really cool event on Saturday and you should know about it.

On Saturday, April 18th from 10am - 4pm at the Captain Spry Community Centre is going to be held the First Annual Free Book Bonanza.

This is a family event (translates to Bring. Kids) with book trading, a book doctor to fix up the beloved Dora adventures, and readings from some great local children's authors.

You should either go, or send someone you know so that it is as successful as it should be! Want more details? Call 479-3031. I have no idea whose number that is, but since it was on the flyer I got at the bookstore, it's probably okay for me to print it here. I hope. :)

Happy Wednesday, poppets.

Traffic court.

That's where I'm at. I've been ridiculously anxious about it for the last few weeks, waiting and worrying and imagining all the horrible outcomes that might be heading my way. Now I sit here on the floor in the hall of the courthouse-waiting.

I have to say, I don't get the feeling that this is going to be as serious as I had imagined. Apparently, this is just to enter a plea and then we have to come back to tell our tales of woe. Hrmph.

***
Well, that was fairly uneventful. Now I go back in November to explain my little saga. At least I got a little Blog out of it, considering I've been trying to write for weeks now. Maybe a real post tonight. A girl can dare to dream!

Ahem.

Wow. So much.

Last post was a Tuesday. Wednesday morning I flew home to Ontario for a 2-day whirlwind trip. My grandmother's funeral was Thursday morning, and I flew back to the coast on Friday morning.

It was surprisingly wonderful, that trip. I got to spend Wednesday just hanging out with my sister and my brother-in-law. Wednesday night, I drove north to P'bo with my dad and my cousin (who I hadn't seen in about 15 years). Dad and I stayed in a formerly trendy hotel/motel which is now decidedly on the seedy-side of things. It was clean and safe though, and I was sooooo exhausted that it didn't really much matter to me. I passed out, and slept so soundly it could have been a park bench for all I knew.

Thursday was all family, all day long. Dad and I got to the cemetery chapel at 8:45 am and met one of my aunts there. After that, it was a steady stream of cousins, aunts, uncles, and family. It was actually really nice to see everyone. My mom & sister & BIL drove up together on Thursday morning--and one of my mom's brother's came too. It was really great to see him--and I know it was nice for mom to have the moral support too.

Thursday afternoon we left P'bo at about 2...and my dad, mum, Amy & Jer and I all had lunch at a road-side dive. It was seriously one of the worst meals I have ever eaten in my life. But it was great having everyone together in one spot. I was glad to get to spend a little bit of time with my mom, because it really was a whirlwind trip and it was the only 'social' time I got with her.

Thursday evening I spent hanging with Amy & Jer in the backyard, enjoying the sunshine and having some beer. What a great day. In the evening, Angela came by and we went down to the Rhino for some food & drinks. It was great to be able to just hang out with Amy & Jer and Ange.

Friday morning had me at the airport by 6:15 am. Angela dropped me off, although that made Amy mad at me. She'll get over it some time, I'm sure. I just didn't want her driving half way across town 2 hours earlier than she needed to be up for school when Angela was already getting up early to go to the gym.

I was in Moncton by 11 am, and home by 12:30.

I stopped at the mall to buy some underwear. I was originally going in to buy something functional...but I stopped at a lingerie store and actually got MEASURED for a bra. Go figure, I've been wearing the wrong size for the last 15 years.

I dropped $150 on a bra and undies. It was a mistake. The bra is fabulous...pretty, fits well, and I love it. But I only bought the panties because they matched and were kinda pretty. I didn't realize until I was walking away that I had paid $59 for a pair of undies that I didn't particularly LIKE. Oh well, I look FABULOUS in them. ;)

So part of the reason I rushed home on Friday--I could have stayed until Sunday, I was off for the weekend already--was because I had Sadies tickets for Friday night at the Marquee in Halifax (birthday present from DD).

I had decided after his last visit to invite him to go with me...he was quite happy about it. He was also quite content to not go, considering why I was rushing home--but I found myself actually WANTING to be at the show...and to be at the show with him. So I bought my ticket with a Friday return.

There was (and still is) far too much drama at work about this--but I've chosen to ignore it and pretty much pretend it doesn't exist. I have enough other issues to deal with, without worrying about something that my COO doesn't seem to see as an issue.

Friday afternoon, DD came by the house as I was finishing up a load of laundry to take with me to the city. We hung out for a bit until I was packed up, and then headed out on the road.

We took my car, which is the first time in a long time that I've driven it to the city. It just seemed less political that way--so I was happy to do that. We didn't actually discuss it, I just did it.

Lunch at Masstown Market, coffee at Stewiacke, candy at Freak Lunchbox, and then a trek to the liquor store and CT for an errand. After those few stops, we went to the hotel to check in. The hotel had its own dog!!! She was amazing--a chocolate lab named Cocoa. She's beautiful. The hotel was also nice.

It was a bit awkward at first--I was glad that we were there, but I felt cheesy, and corny, and a bit like an awkward teenager. But I got over that. We drank some fun beverages and headed out to the show.

What a great show! Good times. I bought a hoodie--I NEVER buy merch at shows, but it was sooooo awesome.

Saturday morning we went to the market for breakfast and a wander. We then went shopping for sailboat parts, and to the Dingle. We stopped in Windsor to visit with Lynn and Stu, and stopped at the Spitfire for a drink and a snack. A FANTASTIC day overall.

We kinda took the long road back to the highway, which was unintentional, and not as much fun as it could have been. I was feeling particularly guilty for keeping DD from home, as he had a commitment to his boy for Sunday morning and wanted to spend some time chilling with him on Saturday evening as well. DD said it was fine, but *I* am the queen of guilt and felt terrible about being not-quite-lost.

Anyway, it was a FABULOUS weekend. I had been concerned about liking him out of spite, or just because I was flattered that he was actually showing me he liked me. And to be honest, I still was concerned about that after the weekend.

But he called me to chat on Monday. And it was awesome. And we made plans for Thursday.

He was supposed to be coming here for BBQ and hanging out. Work intervened though, and he had to stay in SJ. Also, his best friend called him and called in a favour to work on his lawn. I was far more disappointed than I thought I would be. And not just because I suddenly didn't have any plans...I had tons of stuff that I could have done instead. I was disappointed that I wasn't going to see him.

So I called him back. I said, 'tell me if I'm being too pushy--but how long will Buddy's thing take?' 'I don't know...couple of hours, not more. Why?' 'Wanna catch a late movie? I can come to SJ if you want...but if not, that's okay, just say so.'

He was thrilled with the idea. And surprised. And happy. :-) We went to see Ironman. It was good. I hadn't been to the movies in AAAAGES...I always forget how much I love the experience of going to the theatre. Anyway...I realized about 15 minutes out of town that I was driving directly into the den of the lion...and wearing a dress made of meat. I was driving my company truck right smack into head-quarters town. *laugh* Take that, corporate uptightists!

During the movie, he held my hand. Kinda my idea, but he was super-game and didn't want to let go. It was awesome. It's been a long time since a boy wanted to hold hands with me. And I absolutely LOOOOVE holding hands. After, we drank tea on his sofa, and made out. *GRIN* I kinda like making out. A lot. His folks live with him (or the other way around--not sure, but it makes for free and frequent child-care) so it was kinda high-school like. In the 'I'm a grownup so this is fun--not creepy' kind of way.

I didn't end up leaving SJ until 2:20 am. BAD PLAN. At 3:30 I stopped at the BigStop and had a nap in the parking lot. At 4:30 I continued the rest of the way home...at 5:10 I climbed into my bed for another 4 hours of sleep before work on Friday. Very much worth it. I had a lovely time. :-)

I talked to DD on the phone for almost an hour last night. About nothing in particular. He mentioned how flattered he was that I drove to SJ to see him. I pointed out (AGAIN) that he comes here to see me all the time. He said that nobody had ever made a special trip to see him before. I suggested that they SHOULD have. Everybody deserves to be treated like they're special. Because they are. :-) Anyway...on Thursday night, he had said 'I'll come by on Monday.'

Yesterday on the phone he said something about coming by on Wednesday. I said 'oh, Wednesday? Not Monday after all? Okay.' He said 'Monday is okay too!' I said 'well, Monday, Wednesday...whichever. Either is fine with me. Or both. Whichever.'

He said 'I'm leaning towards both, if that's really okay with you.'

Anyway...surprisingly enough...it IS okay with me. And I don't think anybody is more surprised by that than me.

I was really worried that my motivations were wrong. And I don't think that they are. I just really want to make sure that I'm not rebounding here, because he's far too nice a man for me to hurt un-necessarily. He's so awkward at boy-girl stuff. And it's funny--I'm not so good at it either. I am great at it when I don't actually care. But...I figure that if I'm prepared to give up 2 days with my family to spend one day with a boy...and that if I'm willing to drive 4 hours in one day to go to the movies with a boy...something's gotta be okay with it. :-)

So tomorrow's Monday...and the boy is coming to visit me. Which will be good, because the COB starts back at work tomorrow, and the drama will begin yet again. Things have been shitty, but not as horrible as before, at work lately. The COB is certain to make things as horrible as possible as quickly as she can. I just need to remember that I AM THE BOSS and she can suck it.

It's a lot easier to put things in perspective when I have positives to focus on.

Oh YEAH!!! BEST POSITIVE EVER!!! I'm getting a dog! :-) His name is Darwin and he comes to live with me on the 21st. I'll tell you all about him next time...I'm exhausted now, and it's 1 am. Tomorrow's going to be a loooong day at the orifice.

Missing you all--sorry I'm such a slacker.

Jumping right back in.

Just breaking the silence.

I figured that the best way to start again, is to just do it.

So here you go.

I should be asleep...so I'm going. But I've got a lot to say...so I'll be back.

-DD finally said something about liking me
-he did it on the Wednesday after the last post
-we didn't get a lot of sleep because it took him until 3am to get up enough nerve to say something
-my response was nervous laughter (this is NOT a good way to respond)
-we smooched
-that was good
-he came back the next week
-we smooched more
-we may have done more than smooch
-i pointed out how terrible an idea it would be for us to get involved, but did it anyway
-he REALLY likes me
-he's a pretty decent man
-who really, REALLY likes me
-who's willing to drive 2 hours at a time to see me
-this weekend he did it on Friday night for a surprise
-it was a pretty good surprises
-lynn and alicia were coming down already that day though to help paint the house
-he stayed anyway and hung out with all of us
-they liked him, he liked them. it was a good surprise
-the girls painted my living room while i was at work on saturday
-it was awesome of them
-my house is starting to feel like MY HOUSE--now that it's painted especially
-the trim still needs done, but i can live with this for now--it's just sooo much better
-before this weekend, I was talking to DD on Wednesday or Thursday, and apparently a contact of his at H*me Despot emailed him about 'i hear you're sleeping with one of your store managers'
-it was annoying, irritating, pissed me off, angered me, and was incredibly disheartening that a reputation i've worked hard to build for 10 years could be destroyed by someone's car sitting in my driveway overnight.
-this weekend happened, and it was a great weekend--very relaxing.
-Also, it was nice to see a boy that wanted to see me and so drove 2 hours on his motorcycle to make that happen, and then drove 3 hours home in a rain storm. And is prepared to do it again...however long that takes. Pretty spiff.
-the girls painted my house. Awesome.
-i got lots of sleep, lots of jabber, and lots of friendly love. I have AMAZING friends. I am VERY, VERY, VERY lucky.
-tonight, i got a message from DD that he was getting called up on the carpet by the powers that be because someone called someone important to mention that we're seeing one another. Which we're technically not. Because I haven't decided yet. But he was warning me so that i could be aware in case someone said something to me.
-he's very thoughtful like that, because he wants me to not suffer any repercussions because he really wants us to go someplace. And he's considerate like that anyway.
-but he's worried. and I'm very worried for him. i'm prepared to tell people to fuck themselves because my private life is none of their business. however, his job DOES intersect with mine, and i don't want to do anything to jeopardize his integrity (or my own!)
-he's doing the physical test for the RCMP in 2 weeks. if he passes that, then he's quitting anyway
-i don't want to ever date a cop
-i should likely back off now anyway--and make his life easier. But i get the decided impression that he does not want that at all. he wants more involvement, not less. he's very persuasive.
-i want to be sure it's the right decision. *sigh*
-people suck, big time.

Anyway...bedtime.

Oh yes...and I may be flying home to Ontario on Wednesday morning for a funeral, and then back here on Friday morning. My last remaining grandparent died tonight. It's sad, but mostly because I feel loss at a relationship that never really was.

I always envied people who were closer to their grandparents. My grandma on my dad's side was never particularly close to us--not since we were tiny, anyway. She's a lovely woman who loved Jesus in a way that is not quite natural. She bought into all the television evangelists and whatever snake oil they were selling this week. She parented her kids until they turned 12, then they were on their own. She thought my mother was the only thing keeping my dad out of the priesthood. She wanted my mom to name me Thursyl (thanks for not doing that, mom). But for all that, she loved my father more than ice cream. She was a good woman. I did love her...but I didn't really KNOW her.

She lived far away, and her lifestyle kept her even farther away. My dad worked at keeping his family at a distance, and now that we're all adults, it seems natural to keep doing it.

But I should go home. I should do it for my dad. I should do it for myself. I should do it to honour the relationship that I always wished I had with a woman I hardly knew. I should do it to honour the relationships that my cousins DID have. And to reconnect with a family that I haven't seen in ages.

I will have to see what's going on...the flight is over $500, and I only have 3 days in which to complete it. I'd leave at 6 on Wednesday (from Moncton) and then come back out of Toronto at 8 on Friday morning. It's a whirlwind. I'm going to have to see if I can make it happen or not.

I'll keep you posted. On all of it.

I have a day to spend with my DM tomorrow. His boss is apparently the one that told DD's boss to cool it with the fraternizing. So we'll see if MY boss dares to say anything to me. I really WILL tell him to fuck himself if that's the case.

But first I'll get permission for the bereavement leave. :)

This is a long one!

There has been so much going on lately, that I just really haven't had time to post. I should have been, because God knows I won't remember half of it in a month...but them's the breaks sometimes, I guess.

I've had two absolutely fantastic weekends off in a row. Two weekends ago, I went for an immersion weekend at the Gaelic College at St.Ann's, in Cape Breton. I met up with Billy in Truro and we car-pooled, which was nice. Shay, B-A and Pat all drove up together much earlier in the day. The Saturday wasy Billy's birthday, so we sang to him in Gaelic. B-A and Shay brought him a cake. I was very glad that they did, because I had planned to do the same thing and failed miserably at that mission.

I'd stayed up late on Wednesday to bake cupcakes, but ended up not doing it. I was going to do that on Thursday, but then DD came by and I didn't. I was up much too late yet again.* So Friday right after my JA class, I hurried through my P&L statement and then hit the road. I forgot to stop at the store for a cake. I was glad that the others had done it.

We drank a lot, sang a lot, and learned a lot. I learned how to Strip the Willow. I did so with my new friend Reji, who is in a wheelchair. It was a whole heck of a lot of fun spinning in circles and dancing the longest square-set in the history of man.

I met an amazing old man, Peter-Jack MacLean. He's 94 and he is in love with me. I spent quite some time chatting with him and listening to his stories. He is a fascinating man...and he stayed up until 1:45 with us on Saturday night--and was disappointed when we were packing up to go back to the room! He lives on Christmas Island, and I have an open invitation to visit any time I like. I am going to do so on my next weekend off, I think. I'm looking forward to it quite a lot.

The following week was good, mostly. Work was crummy, but tolerable. No big visits, but a lot of threats of corporate visits--so there was a lot of scrambling to ensure we were ready. I managed to hold onto my post Great-Weekend glow until some time into Wednesday, so things were good.

This past weekend was my birthday weekend. I was hoping for a wild road-trip adventure...but nobody was available to go with me. So I ended up in Halifax, and man, did I have a great time.

I was about to become slightly depressed that I had no place to go--my plans changed from wild, road-trip adventure to staying home, cleaning my house and unpacking boxes adventure. How sad. I was talking to Scoot (my old boss), and he said 'go to Halifax. You were going to pay for an hotel anyway--so do it here, and hang out with your friends. People want to see you--just because you feel like a mooch, doesn't mean other people think you are one.' So I did.

I had taken the Friday (my actual birthday!) off, and did a few domestic things at home that made me actually feel like it was my house. I put up a new towel bar and took down the brass one that looked like bamboo stalks. I put up the matching toilet paper dispenser. I took down the manky soap dish and toothbrush holder. I felt productive. It was great.

I declared the weekend to be a Pants-Free Weekend. I wore nothing but skirts and dresses all weekend. It was fabulous, and I do have to say, I looked incredible for most of the weekend. *flex*

Anyway...the Friday night, I didn't sleep in my hotel bed. I got totally trashed. I had sex. I had sex with someone WAAAAAAY younger than me. I, am officially a cougar. Or creepy--I'm not sure which. 13 years is quite a big gap...Yikes. But hey...it's true, so Meh. It was fun. And he started it. I simply participated. Well--not so simply, but whatever. *grin*

There's a TON more stuff...and I'll write it down, because it bears knowing and documenting. It was FUN...but I want to get to the newest turns of events.

Um...So for my birthday, on Thursday, I went in to work and found an envelope on my desk containing a card. DD had sent me via expresspost a birthday card. It was incredibly thoughtful. Even more-so was the fact that he also got me 2 tickets to the Sadies at the Marquee on the 30th of May. Woot! Not necessary, but really very thoughtful.

Moreso, even, because it was the only card I received prior to my birthday. My mom's card showed up on Monday. Which was still lovely, but late.

I got 2 cards this year. I had an absolutely fantastic time out, and some of my favourite people were there--so I had an overall incredible day.

So...DD. A whole 'nother story there.

He was here on Tuesday night. We were up too late. He finally got the balls to say that he likes me. Except...wow, did he say it. And I'm not sure how I want to proceed, honestly. I'll have to fill you in on this stuff tonight...because I have to get going right now.

But I really need to look at the fact that some really amazing men have fallen for me in my life--and try to figure out exactly why that is--and why they do it at the most inappropriate points in time.

Anyway. I kissed two men within a week. It's almost like the Summer of Sadie revisited. And maybe it will be. But sheesh. Too many difficult decisions.

Blah, this post was disjointed and long, but at least I got the block out of the way, and can get back to my routine a bit.

I have had a couple of really fantastic weekends--and a couple of really absolute shit-tastic days at work this week--and I'm still standing. So I guess we'll see what happens from here. *grin*

Happy Friday, poppets. Sorry I disappeared. I won't let it happen like that again.

Poor life decisions are fun!

Tom Fun was awesome on Saturday night. :) The show was great--the opening band, The Stance, was okay. Good, talented, but not really 'special'--they sounded an awful lot like Sloan. The best song they did was the last one, and it was a cover-tune. Granted, they rocked it seriously, but it wasn't their own song so it hardly counts.

I nearly didn't get to go because I ended up not having a place to stay. Steve had a date, and Duffy was having a party. The whole 'finding a place to stay' business is a real pain in the ass.

Anyway, I got home from an absolutely exhausting day at work on Saturday and logged into my MSN. I was about to go shower when Billy msg'd me. 'Shouldn't you have left by now?!'

I said I didn't think i was going to be able to go since I didn't have a place to stay. He offered to let me stay with him if I wanted. I said 'are you sure?' He said yes, so I said 'Thanks, I will!'

He was going to meet up with some guys from work at Shane's house first, and invited me to meet him there first if I wanted. As it turned out, the guys all bailed and Billy was wandering around downtown waiting for the bar to open when I hit town.

We parked the vehicular, and went to the club. At the club we chatted, and commenced beveraging.

The shows were awesome...I danced and danced. Billy even danced, and he generally doesn't. Shows what the gin will do to you! *laugh*

After, we cabbed it back to Darkness and commenced the search for food. I had a cookie dipped in peanut butter. Also a finger dipped repeatedly in peanut butter. Good thing I'm cute or people wouldn't put up with that shit. *grin* Billy had a piece of cold pizza. We'd have eaten more, but his cupboards were a bit bare from cleaning out his fridge earlier in the week. He's just as lazy as I am at the basic housekeeping tasks.

I played 2 notes on his mandolin! It was fun, but I wasn't any good at it. Not having any sensation except pain in my forefinger makes it difficult to press down the strings properly. He played me a song on his guitar, then fiddled around on his mandolin himself. Finally, around 3:30 it was time for sleep.

I said 'I'll need a blanket or something' then I went in to the bathroom. I came out, and it was dark. I said 'Hey! it's dark!' He turned his lamp back on.

I said 'where am I supposed to sleep?'

'You can sleep here, if you want.'

'Umm...'

(I didn't say this post was full of great choices! I said it was full of fun!)

'Alright, hang on with the light then.' I got out my jammies, and went to change into them in the other room. I climbed into bed, and the light went back out.

Billy has a single bed, so I'm sure I've mentioned before that I never really had a good sleep when we shared. I sleep on my left side, curled up, so I was facing into the middle of the bed. Not really an issue, he was facing the other side. We were not touching. It was going to be fine.

He rolled over to face me.

He reached out for me and hung a leg over mine.

I feel it necessary to mention at this point that we had both been drinking copiously. Not that it makes any difference, you don't do things drunk you wouldn't do sober, you just do them sooner.

I said 'Will we be okay if I do something really stupid?'

He laughed and said 'what? What kind of stupid thing were you going to do?' He was truly puzzled.

'I think we'd be okay if I did something really stupid. I hope we will, anyway.'

'Seriously, what are you talking about?' (Keep in mind that he was still hugging me at this point.)

I said, 'something like this'...and kissed the heck out of him.

'Oh. That. Uh...'

There was much smooching, and nearly 3 hours of the hottest sex I've ever had in my life. Seriously, it was so good I thought about it all the way home on my drive on Sunday. And Sunday night, and yesterday. And...for a while to come, I'm sure.

Shame it took so long to be able to get to that point.

In the morning when we woke up, we didn't snuggle or have an instant replay. I would have very much enjoyed a replay, but we didn't. I did manage to play by myself for a few minutes while he was in the bathroom, but it wasn't the same.

Sunday morning we cabbed back over to get his car, then went to Spartan for breakfast. He dropped me at my truck, and we left it quite casually. We didn't hug goodbye, which could be a step backwards from where we were last time, but it's likely a better choice for that day.

We've chatted since on MSN. Not about that, but we seem to be fine.

I know that it was a poor choice. I know that we are not in a place where we will ever be able to do 'casual'. But we seem to have pulled it off for the moment. I don't know.

I THINK that my heart is okay. I really do, so since these things always cost somebody, I'm wondering how his is doing. Not that it's any of my business or any of my concern. Anyway, I had an absolutely fantastic weekend--it was great to hang out with a good friend and not think about work. It was even better to dance and be silly with a good friend, and even better still to get some crazy-good action!

Happy Monday. :)

Ho hum :)

Um...I suck. :)

So Thursday update--it wasn't as horrible as I expected it to be. It wasn't pleasant, but then again, when is an intervention ever a good time? Seriously, it was like couples counseling (rather, how I imagine couples counseling to be, I've never actually had any, although several of my past relationships would probably have benefited from the experience). But at least it's over. Hopefully it worked, and things be better. I've been working at my stuff to try and improve things, so I just hope he keeps plugging away at his. Time shall tell.

I closed Friday night, and worked yesterday. Last night I drove to Halifax to meet up with Tracey and some of the girls. She's in town from Edmonton for a week, and I REALLY wanted to see her. Which is good, because the roads were evil. They were perfectly clear here, and most of the way through the Cobequid Pass, but on the other side of the pass, and all the way into the city they were horrible. I did 60 all the way down the highway from Milbrook on. It was a long trip.

Last night was a really good time. Parts of it were awkward, but it turned out to be a blast. The awkward part was when Billy and I had a 'discussion' at the end of the night. You see, he read some back-pages of my blog about 10 days ago. I thought it was him, I just had a feeling. But I wasn't sure. And I didn't mention it.

Remember how I'd said he was gone offline for a few days? And that I was missing even having him sit there on my messenger not talking? Well. I was right. It was intentional.

But he mis-read some things, and didn't understand where I was coming from. I think we have it sorted out now. I wish I hadn't been quite so trashed, because we talked about a LOT of stuff, and I can only remember half of it. Yes, I know. Lack of sleep, and too much booze leads to poor judgement. Well, this time it didn't. It lead to clearing the air, and hopefully getting back on the right foot. I'd like to have more of that conversation sober, but I don't think he'd do it, to be honest. It's too uncomfortable. For both of us. And it's the type of thing that needs to be done in person. And we don't get that opportunity very often.

Anyway, I think we're sorted out. It was very sad at some points, and very emotional (for me!) in others. I asked for a hug, and he held me. And we fell asleep like that, and it was nice. (yes, I know, not healthy--I don't hug my other friends like that) It was nice because I think we both needed to understand that we can still get along. And that neither one of us would intentionally hurt the other one's feelings. Particularly not in public.

He and Alicia and I went to breakfast this morning, and when I left the restaurant to drop Alicia at home, I hugged him. And we held on a bit, even though it was a one-armed hug. And it was nice. I hug all my other friends, and it's not something we've ever been able to do in public--even when we were dating. So I think we're making steps.

I'd have liked to get together for caffeine this afternoon to finish up our conversation from last night, but I didn't want to be pushy. Or seem like I wanted more than friendship--because I really don't. Well...I think I don't. But that's for another exploratory surgery. :-)

I went to the mall and wandered for a couple of hours. Steven came to meet me and we had Second Cup and a lovely chat. He told me all about his date last night (it went really well) and that the best part was being able to just go places in public and not have to look over his shoulder to see if anybody saw them together. Isn't that an absolutely horrible thing? I mean, that THAT was the way he's lived his last 2 years of dating? It's distasteful. And I"m happy that he's finally learning to be happy.

I'm sooooooo tired, that I'm off to bed. I just really wanted to update a little bit.

I had a fantastic weekend, saw some great friends, played a really fun board game, drank too much, made up with my best friend, and got some hugs and snuggles. Human touch makes up for a lot of injustice in your day-to-day. I need to figure out how to get more of that. But that's a job for tomorrow.

Tomorrow's Saint Paddy's Day, and I was invited to Moncton with DD to beverage with some of his friends. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I'd love to go to Moncton, I'd love to meet new people, but I don't think I want to encourage him. Nor do I really want to have 'the conversation' with him tomorrow. Who knows. I'm going to play it by ear. I'll see how I feel about the whole thing tomorrow, after a lovely long snooze.

G'night, poppets. Happy Sunday night. :-)

So here's the thing...

...the longer you stay away, the easier it gets.

I've written a dozen posts in the last two weeks--but none of them have managed to make it to actual written text. I've composed a billion of them in my head...but that hasn't helped you lot very much, now has it?

So this may be long, this may be short. It's late, so hopefully the latter.

Item the first:

I went for a drink--okay several--with a man I met on POF. He's a cable-guy. I was quite clear about just wanting to be friends. He seemed fine with that. Later that week, we then went to the movies and had coffee. (We saw Juno--it was a lovely little film--the critics are all correct about this one. Not Oscar worthy as a film, but Ellen Page was fantastic--SHE deserves one...but I digress.) It was okay. I think he was confused about what I consider 'friends' to be. I think he gets it now. He hasn't called me since. I'm okay with that.


Item the second:

Lent began. I gave up coffee. I had a wee bit of an headache on the first day, but nothing much since. I didn't 'cheat' on Sunday, although most clerics say that Sundays don't count because they're officially Feast Days. But to me, it's cheating. So I don't do it. Unless I get desperate. And I'm not there yet. Maybe this Sunday. We shall see. I'm okay with Lent too.

Item the third:

I met a really nice lady on POF. We met for coffee. I had tea. I was okay with that. She seems really nice, if a bit gung-ho. She's from here. Always been from here. Got a bit of an issue with people's social status. She seemed a bit taken aback by my job. I'm thinking she's going to have to learn to be okay with that. That was last Wednesday. We're getting together on Thursday night a local pub to play Guitar Hero. Should be fun. I'd be okay with that.

Item the third:

That same night, DD--my corporate security guy-- came to town again. This time, his intent was entirely social. He met up with us for coffee, and then I went back to the hotel and we drank beer. I got the impression the last time he was in town that he was developing a bit of a crush. This time I was sure of it. He's lovely to talk to--and not unattractive. (I actually had unpure thoughts LOOKING at the guy--first time that's happened in YEARS. Could just be desperation talking, but hey...it was a pretty nifty feeling.) But you know...dipping the quill in the company ink. Not a game I want to play again. I learned my lesson about relationships on the down-low when I was with Luke. Even still, it was nice to be flirted with.

He actually managed to very subtly and very professionally sneak a 'you're a very attractive woman' into conversation. That's impressive. It's also the first time I've heard it from somebody whose opinion might matter to me in a VERY long time. So long, in fact, that I can't recall the last time. Well...I can. It was 2 years ago during the Summer Of Men. So I was due. I was actually VERY okay with that.

I was even okay with the very cheesy and half-hearted comment when I said 'okay, I have to go' and stood up and put my coat on. "Do you really?" *snicker* I mean really...who says that? *laugh* I pretended I hadn't heard him and talked about work as I walked to the door. It was kinda flattering. I needed that. I'm okay with being flattered in a sincere way.

Thing the third: (Am I at 3?)

Friday of last week I went for beer with a fellow I met on POF a looooooooooooong time ago. We'd been on MSN, but then we stopped talking because I started dating Billy...and then I deleted him. I added him as a Facebook friend when he asked me to a while back, and we've been joking around ever since. So when he saw me on POF again, he messaged me on MSN...and we've been chatting it up. He's very funny. We went for beer on Friday, and it was nice. He's very funny in person too, but a lot more reserved and shy than he is online. I didn't expect this. I'm finding that I probably should, but I'm pretty much exactly the same in person as I am online, so it never occurs to me that other people will not be. Anyway, he was fun. We chatted up a storm. We'll be pretty good friends, eventually, I think. I'm very okay with that.

Item the fifth: (I scrolled, that was actually 4 up there. Deal.)

**NOTE** I am absolutely in LOVE with the auto-draft feature. I just hit a mystery button and my post disappeared! I thought I was a goner in Old-Blogger-style fashion. But no! I was saved by the Auto-Draft! Wheee! I love you new-blogger! I love you Auto-draft! I am VERY okay with you! *HUGS*

Item the sixth: (that was not going to be an item, the auto-draft thing, but it was so special a moment to me that it deserved its own bullet point)

Saturday I drove in to Halifax, purportedly to pick up some goods for the store, but really to drink with Steven and Duffy. On the way there, I was taking a truckload of lights to a store along the way. It's a location that sounds like Bureau. I was partway there when the shrink-wrap on my load let go and my truck spewed light fixtures all over the Trans-Canada highway. It was a good time, let me tell you. I pulled over to the side of the road, the guy behind me did the same. He put on his 4-ways and backed up a bit to give the oncoming cars some extra warning. I very cautiously deked out onto the highway to rescue the fixtures from the masses of oncoming steel. I fetched them one at a time, and bolted back to the guardrail on my side of the road. I didn't pile them up at this point, just got them off the road. Once the lights were all over to the side, I then began to stack them neatly into a large pile. I gathered them all to the side, and then spoke to the man in the car behind me. I thanked him profusely for his help and consideration, and assured him I would telephone for assistance immediately.

At this point two things happened. A second car pulled over, and the first man began to pull away. Before he could pull away entirely, I walked up to the passenger window of the second car to assure the newcomers that I was fine. Two young men were in the car, all blinged out and nowhere to go. They asked me for money. The driver got out of the car. His pants were nearly falling off, they were riding so low. He explained that they were having some trouble with their tire, and that their gas tank had a leak in it. He offered to give me one of his rings if I could part with $10 so they could be sure to have enough gas to get back to Halifax. I explained that I didn't even have a dollar fifty to buy myself a cup of coffee, let alone any cash for gas. I have to say, that I don't intimidate easily, but I was feeling quite a bit queasy at this point about the whole situation. Of course, at this point, the first guy decides it's a good time to drive away. Bastige. The car really did look like it was having issues, it was just not a good time for me to begin with--and being approached by two wanna-be thugs at the side of the road when you're already having a tough moment really doesn't make you feel all that Samaritan-like.

So buddy was disappointed, but I was being honest. I asked how far they were going--and they said Halifax. I explained how far away the exit was. I explained that I had to wait for the guy from the store to come and meet me to pick up my pile of lights from the side of the road, but that I too was headed to Halifax. (It was at this point that I realized that I recognized the would-be thugs from the Dome--didn't lend comfort to the situation, just FYI.) I told buddy that while I couldn't offer him gas money, I'd keep my eyes peeled for them, and that if I saw them at the side of the road, I'd pull over and pick them up at least. He looked quite relieved at that and said "Really? That'd be awesome. Even just to watch and make sure we're not stuck. My cell phone died while we were in Moncton--it's been a rough weekend already!"

That made me feel better. They then drove off. That made me feel even better yet.

I piled my lights at the side of the road, then sat in the truck to wait for the cube-van to come from the store to 'rescue' me. I didn't have to wait long, but it was long enough.

Another truck (with a ski-doo on a trailer) stopped up ahead and a really nice man walked back to check on me. I explained that I was fine, and that help was on the way. He was on his way to Newfoundland. I wished him snowy trails, and he went on his way.

Just after that, another car went past. Slowed...brake lights. It pulled over, then reversed up the shoulder to offer assistance. It was our VP of Human Resources. Argh. Not like I couldn't just have an embarrassingly fucked up afternoon in private. Nooooo....I had to do it in front of somebody important. Which meant that I had to confess it to EVERYBODY important. I was NOT okay with that, although he was more concerned about me than the lights, so that was nice.

Finally, the Cube van showed up, we loaded half the lights on the truck, left the other half on mine--(because who wants to play stock transfer at the side of the road at dusk? Really, not me.)-- and I was on my way again.

I got to the Bureau store (no, not furniture, merely a cleverly disguised location) at 6:18 pm. It closed at 6. There wasn't a soul around. Which left me with half a load of light fixtures, and some snow coming up. Argh! So I drove on to Halifax, dropped my load off at their store for the night, and went to Steve's. I REALLY needed a beer at this point! *grin*

Man, this story is getting long....and it's only going to get longer. I think that's it for tonight. I should be able to finish up tomorrow, if I don't make it to Gaelic. Which I likely won't. I'm so far behind at this point that I don't think I can ever catch up. It makes me sad, because I love the in person class, but I'm SOOOOO not good at online stuff. It's like university though, the classes I went to, I pulled of As...the ones that i skipped a lot? C+. Didn't do my GPA any favours, let me tell you.

Anyway--bedtime for this wee-sexy-thing. And you should go too. I'll fill you in on the rest of my rather eventful Un-eventful weekend tomorrow. Goodnight, Poppets!

Shaking it off.

I don't know where to start in order to sort myself out right now.

I had a great weekend--went into the city and hung out with Tamara. Went out with her and Steve & Duffy on Saturday night--had a great time. Too many martinis and a whole lot of laughing. Not a lot of sleep, overall, but it was a lovely time. (actual details to follow)

Today before I was leaving the city I met up with the old landlord and dropped off the mail-key and the dehumidifier. I was feeling good. I was feeling strong. I made what seemed like a good decision at the time and called Billy to go for a coffee.

He was up for it, so we did. Now, we haven't spoken a word to one another in a week. Which is the longest we've ever gone without speaking in almost 2 years. Previous record? 2 days.

Anyway, we went for coffee. It was nice. We chatted. It was mostly superficial. He's been sick for a few days. Which I pretended I didn't know, but mainly did because of Face*book. It was good. I mentioned that I'd seen Kenneth & Amanda at the market on Saturday morning and that it had been 'more than a little embarrassing'. He seemed surprised and asked why it would be embarrassing. I pointed out that they don't really know me well enough to know that I don't generally have melt-downs in public, and that I found it a bit humiliating having to face them. He said "Bah, I wouldn't worry about that!" Which led me to believe that even he was mostly over my screaming at him on the street.

It was a nice time, and I actually thought I'd come away from it quite cleanly. I thought that almost all the way home. But 2 hours of driving is a long time to drive without Thinking About Stuff. [insert ominous music here]

I got thinking about ways that I could work to be his friend, and yet move on with my life. I got to thinking about how unlikely it is that at my age I'm going to suddenly meet the man who's going to fill all the stupid little dreams I've had about what my life would look like, and how sad that is. I got to thinking about how easy it appears for other people, and that sometimes it's comforting watching other people have difficulties because it makes it easier to accept the mess you've made of your own life by believing the hype. (yeah, I think in run-on sentences too--deal with it.) That made me think that I'm an evil bitch, which is likely why I haven't met Prince Charming yet--Karma. You see what happens when I'm alone too long with my thoughts? Nobody said being a girl was easy!

I made a point of not checking my FB when I got into the house. I unpacked a couple of boxes, made some supper. And checked my FB. And that's when the troubles really began.

I have been making a point of trying not to stalk him. I haven't been playing Scrabble with him. I've deleted him from my MSN. I was doing well.

Until tonight. I started with the stalking.

I should rewind a bit...Last Sunday when I got home after my drama-tastic weekend, I immediately changed my FB status to 'single'. I'd previously had it just benignly as nothing listed. But I needed to make that change for myself, to make myself clue in to the fact that despite how much 'preparing' I'd thought I'd done, it was truly final. I did it, but then hid the storyline so it didn't prompt in people's newsfeeds. Several people noticed on their own and sent me messages--but mainly it was pretty quiet.

Well, Friday...I saw in my newsfeed that little shattered heart icon that stated quite firmly that 'Billy is now single.' And it just about broke my heart. I don't know why it affected me so much, because I'd known. Hell, I did it first. I've known for MONTHS. But seeing it there, in black and white, for the entire interweb to see made my heart do a sad little flop.

It was partly because it made it more real, but mainly because of the loss of something that might have been Not what was really lost (i.e. a dysfunctional dating history), but the Idea that I'd lost. That somewhere out there was someone who Got Me.

Anyway...coffee was good. But I got thinking on the way home. It was too comfortable, the conversation. And not 'too comfortable' as in 'I want to go back and try yet again'...but as in 'we've always gotten along like a house on fire when we're in the same room and why should now be any different'? It was comfortable enough to lead me to believe that we could hang out with impunity. That is dangerous. Because it's not true just yet.

Anyway...I did some unpacking and then made a decision. I decided I'd sign up on POF again(I KNOW!!! *sigh*) to possibly meet some people and make some new friends. I'd actually put down 'friends' on my 'looking for' portion. I filled out the personality profile. I originally opted to not post a photo. I finished the registration, and hit 'my matches' to see what came up.

So...guess who was top of the list? Yeah. Kick to the gut. And he'd been there long enough to have a line in his profile saying that he'd had to change it because people had the wrong idea about what 'hanging out' meant.

I wasn't actually surprised to see him there...I should have expected it. But I didn't. It caught me off guard. And it hurt. But that's probably a good thing. The thing that pissed me off is that 3 of the photos he has posted are ones that I took of him. And one of them I took last Saturday night. He stole them from my FB and posted them on his dating page. *grumble*

It shouldn't bother me, but it does. Anyway. The other person that came up immediately was Dan-o. The guy I went to the wedding with 2 Augusts ago. He's funny as hell. Sent me a message already. We've just exchanged fake names and set up a rendezvous at a trashy motel. Nice to see SOME people have a sense of humour.

I was ready for bed at 8:40..and it's now 11:45. I've wasted the last 2 hours flipping back and forth between FB and POF in a stalking frenzy. I need to cut it the fuck out. I'd delete my POF right away, except that I forgot to change my settings so people couldn't see that I'd checked out their profiles...so when my shock caused me to click his profile, he knew it. And he clicked mine back. So I don't want him to think that I just made a profile to stalk him, because I didn't. I didn't even know he was there! But it would look stupid. And since I deleted him from MSN, I couldn't make a joke about it and move on.

But he still has MY MSN, and I know he hasn't erased me because today he mentioned a couple of my taglines from this past week. So he's seen them, and he's paid attention. He didn't message me after seeing me on POF either...so I think I'll just let it go. Even though the photos piss me off. A lot.

Holy shit, I can't believe I've let this crap bother me so much. I guess what this tells you, poppets, is that you should never fall in love with your best friend. And that once you realize that you shouldn't be in love with your best friend, you don't let them talk you into doing it anyway. Because they're wrong. And you'll only turn into a loopier, sadder, lonelier, mildly crazier version of yourself. Until you learn to shake it off.

I'm learning. But I think it's going to be a long process.

Brief update

I went to Halifax this weekend, for what is likely to be the last time in quite a while.

I had an absolutely lovely New Year's re-enactment. My Christmas gift(s) went over incredibly well. I got smooched in public on purpose by the anti-PDA boyfriend. I got abandoned at the bar. I got in a screaming dramatic fight in the middle of the street. I was rude to a good friend. I yelled at a policeman to move along and stop staring at me while I had my meltdown on a public street. I hit Bill. I stormed away crying. I apologized for hitting, but not for what I said. We went home together. We discussed. We ignored. We finalized what we both knew was done a long while back.

I'll get into more gory detail later, but I am so tired that I really, REALLY need to go to sleep now. I just wanted to hit the high/low points while I was thinking about it.

We stayed in bed all morning--with me not able to sleep. We went for food, then had a nap together. We hugged. We kissed. I said goodbye. But it came out sounding exactly like: "See you around some time."

Sadly, sometimes things just end with a whimper.

Love you all--have a good night.

Brr.

For the record, I'd just like to state that I*rving home heating blows dead goats.

Today was a rather average kind of day. Until I got home, that is.

When I'm at work, I turn down the thermostat. When I get home, I turn it up again. When I got home after work tonight it was almost 10 pm. I made some dinner. I did some dishes. Then I wondered why I was so cold. Oh yeah! I didn't turn up the heat--16.5*C isn't really all that warm. So I headed over to the thermostat. It's digital, so very easy to read and adjust. It tells me to the tenth of a degree what the actual temperature is inside the house, and allows me to program it to the half a degree. I cranked it up to 20*C--where I I like to keep it when I'm home--and went to see what was doing online.

After about 20 minutes, I was still cold so I went to the thermostat and noticed that it was actually COLDER inside the house than it had been 20 minutes earlier. This was odd. So I cranked the temperature up to 23*C. I listened for the furnace to kick in. It did not. Uh oh.

The insurance inspector guy was here this morning, so I figured I'd double check to see if he'd accidentally done something to the furnace. I saw that the pilot light was not on. I checked the oil gauge on the tank. EMPTY. Fuckers. I'm supposed to be on automatic replenishment. I'm NEVER supposed to run out of oil, because they're supposed to fill the tank BEFORE IT GETS EMPTY.

Fuckers.

Anyway, at 11:00 pm I called the 1-800 number. Patrick promised to dispatch the oil truck immediately, and that the oil truck driver would do a Bleed&Start on my oil tank when he got here. He apologized profusely for letting me run out of oil. At 11:00 pm when I called, it was 15.6*C inside my house.

I was exhausted at this point, and wanted to be in bed asleep--not waiting for the oil man. I have to work at 7AM. I am going to Halifax right after work. I need to be asleep. But I waited.

And waited.

And at 1:00 I decided I was impatient, and phoned again. Jeffrey told me the driver had been dispatched and was in transit. At 1:48 the truck showed up. And he wasn't able to fill up the tank.

The whistle doesn't work on my oil filler pipe. So he wasn't supposed to put any oil in it. Which is likely what happened on the 8th of December, when they filled (and billed!) me a whopping 5.8 litres. I thought it was petty when I got the invoice, but I figured that with a big storm coming up, I must have had plenty of oil and they were saving it for someone who really needed it. Apparently my logic was flawed.

Apparently, the whistle wasn't working, so they weren't allowed to fill the tank. The guy who was here THAT time, just didn't bother to tell anybody. He must have been the same guy that was supposed to inspect my oil tank before the first fill and didn't, but told them that he did. He must also have been the same guy that then did NOT start my oil tank after I ran out of oil the last time--but told the oil company that he had.

Anyway, they gave me 57 litres for tonight, and started the furnace. It was sooo nice to see the temperature start to climb again! The boy who did it was nice, he put in a service call right away--before he even came inside to start the furnace! I'm the first stop on the service tech's day tomorrow. Which is all great and good, but I have to be at work at 7. So if they need to come inside the house for some reason, they'll have to call me to get someone to run over some keys. Idjits. My contract with them has been nothing but trouble so far. Thankfully they're smart enough to hire a few really great associates that make me not absolutely want to fire-bomb their offices. I'm just sayin'.

At least the furnace is on now, and I'll be warm until breakfast. I just wish that Billy Elliot hadn't been on TV while I was waiting, because now I don't want to go to sleep, even though I have to be up in just 3 and a half hours! Oh well. Plenty of time to sleep when I'm dead.

G'night folks!

So...

...I accidentally shut my computer off as I was moving into the bedroom to get ready to head to bed. I fully intended to blog before sleep, but I was definitely going to bed...I'm completely knackered.

I went to the trouble of turning the computer back ON--which is a hassle, as the laptop has been taking an outrageously long time to boot up these days.*

*note to self: take computer in to have drive cleaned up and de-bugged.

So I turned on the computer, fully intending to blog immediately, then head straight to sleep. I have a long day tomorrow, and just realized I have to be at work EARLY instead of getting to sleep in late as I had originally thought.

Then, for reasons unbeknownst to me, I got sucked into game after game of Spider Solitaire. I checked my e-mail, again. (I didn't have any.) I looked at my MSN contacts. I managed to NOT log into Facebook to see who was around, but it was tough.

And yet, I did not blog. *boggle*

Today I unpacked some boxes--not as many as I should have, but some. I shovelled snow for an hour or so, tidying up the drive and the path to the mailbox/oil tank. I swept out the garage. I did a load of laundry. I washed a pen. It leaked. I re-washed a load of laundry. The second time, it was only the pretty yellow shirt I got at Frenchy's a couple of weeks ago.*

*Miraculously, it was the only casualty in the pen-washing incident. And although the shirt was pretty, it was purchased for the sole purpose of wearing while painting. So really, even if it's wrecked, it's no great loss.

I see by my list that I was quite productive today, even though I didn't feel like I was particularly so.

I played Scrabulous tonight on the Crackbook, and I chatted with Billy a bit about tomorrow night.

We're expecting an insane storm tomorrow/tomorrow night so I may have to revise my plans to include NOT driving to Halifax. That makes me VERY sad, as I was looking forward to spending a fun-tastic evening drinking, dancing, celebrating, and breaking up. Oh well...we shall see what transpires. I just don't want to spend my New Year's Eve sitting on my living room floor (or sofa!!!) surrounded by boxes, drinking alone and hoping somebody's on MSN that I can wish a Happy New Year to. It's how I spent last year (sans boxes) and I have no desire to do so again any time soon.

I have a feeling we'll either end up at the ceilidh at Your Father's Moustache, or at O'Carroll's. If we disagree early enough in the evening, I'll head to Beeler's for a party and just crash there for the evening. Either way, it should be fun. I'm a good time! :-) (I hate smileys with noses, but if you don't use a nose, then it comes out as a capital J when you enter your post...so suck up the noses!)

All my favourite blogs (238 at last Bloglines count) except a couple of you marvelous folks on my blogroll are doing introspective 'best of 2007' 'goals for 2008' posts. Quite frankly, I can't be arsed.*

I've done so much introspection and thinking over the last month or so, perhaps on Tuesday I'll fill you in on some of it. It's not even all negative! :-) Go me!

I hope you all have a FANTASTIC New Year's Eve--and that none of you are too hindered by the threat of a storm. Go forth, look fabulous, drink fantastic drinks, and have a good time. And if not, at the very least consider that there are others out there that don't look nearly as fabulous as you, so you can at least cling to that! (Hey, it's a good night for being shallow--embrace it!)


*What's with all the british-isms tonight? Who do I think I am--Dame Edna?**

**Yes, I know Dame Edna is Australian.

*** (yes, i know there was no corresponding asterisk up above, again with the sucking it up!) When I just did a spell-check, I found that Blogger doesn't have an issue with the word "ceilidh"--but it doesn't recognize "blogroll". What the heck?

Home again?

Well, here I am, back in Amherst again. I got back two evenings ago, and walked into my house--fully expecting it to be full of my stuff.

"Oh no!" I thought, "I've been robbed!" Except that my stuff hadn't even showed up yet, so it wasn't really 'robbed' so much as 'still have no f'ing stuff'.

The movers decided to pick up my stuff on the date that i had given them as a deadline for delivery. When I called the moving company yesterday to say 'hey, i expected my stuff to be oh...I don't know...MOVED by the 27th?' they replied with 'yeah, so did I'. "I don't think you quite understand." I stated. "When can I expect my stuff to be IN MY HOUSE?" "How's Saturday?" "Well, it's not fucking today -- now, is it?" Okay, so I didn't swear at him. But I was clearly not happy. Poor fellow. I used up all my patience on the last two knobs.

Christmas home was great. I had a lovely time. I did absolutely nothing but sit at the table and read. Christmas eve I went to dinner with two old friends from high-school and their families...that was lovely.

So much to tell, and yet, so little...

I've been gone forever, it seems. I suck, I know. But dial-up at home blows chunks.

So...part of the reason Thursday (last post) was so shit-tastic, was that while i was dreading having to go in and have a sit-down with my office manager to find out why she was being such a bag, she was calling our VP Operations to tell him I'm a grade-A cunt and that she was quitting.

Alas, my DM talked her out of it. Which meant I still got to go on vacation, but means that i'm stuck with the Cunty-Old-Bag (COB) indefinitely. AND that I will be stuck with her until I can make her quit again.

She's been actively subversive ever since I got here, and I've been trying to nip that shit in the bud. I've made a point of going to her and asking if I can help her with anything, if there's anything I am not doing that Tom used to do for her, if there's anything I can do better to help her with her job. I've been getting 'not really, everything's fine' as a reply. Except that she's been making a list of things that she feels I'm not doing up to her standard, and using them to try and get me in trouble with the DM instead. If I ASK YOU if I can do better, an it's your job to assist me? Fucking help me, don't hang me out to dry.

Anyway. It's a really pleasant work environment. Not that it was all that shit-hot to start with...but that made it really pleasant coming back from vacation.

The wedding...the wedding was a hoot. The rehearsal party was Thursday night, and as I had to close the store we knew we couldn't make it. I didn't work on Friday, and drove down to Halifax. Billy worked until 4:30, so we headed for Lunenburg pretty late--I think we left around 8:30.

When we got to L'burg, we checked into the hotel and went to a couple of Room parties taking place. We were staying in the 'Boy' hotel--Trace and the maids were at the other one. It was a blast.

Saturday was errands and churching. I looked fabu, if I say so myself. And I do. I did my reading, which I got at 10 pm the night before. It was a poem of questionable quality but ringing with sentiment, and it went quite well.

The party was a hoot. I LOVE Cape Bretoners. I need to find me one to marry so I can have my own CB Wedding. It's a good time. Too much booze, but a good time.

I was exhausted when we got back to the hotel, but Billy invited everyone into our room for the after-party--so around 4:30 am I finally went to bed.

Good time. Joey stayed with us, and drove back to Halifax with us. She realized why Billy's so much fun. Which is nice. (Even though now *I* think he's a douche.) He IS fun.

Snow storm all the way back to the 'Fax on Sunday...I spent the night in Hali, which was not all it was cracked up to be.

I had to go back into the store for a while on Monday, which was unpleasant, as I had to deal with the COB. She acted as though nothing had happened, and she even went so far as to leave a Christmas card on my desk. Passive-aggressive old hag. Anyway. :)

I had told them I was flying out on Monday, and not Tuesday, because otherwise I'd have never gotten to take all of my vacation. As it is, I'm losing a day already. Oh well.

I flew home on Tuesday--which was good. Talked to Billy online on Wednesday and I believe Thursday...then not again until last night. So yeah, you can see where this is headed, can't you, Boys and Girls?

It took me about 4 days to stop being pissy and stressed about work, and then the night before I had to come back, I didn't sleep a wink. The night before, i tossed and turned all night, so didn't rest much then either. Anxiety blows.

Coming home to my empty house took the cake. And then my 14 hour day yesterday was good too. I should be putting in another 14 hour day today, but I'm here blogging and avoiding getting out of my cot and jammies. I don't wanna.

On the positive side: (and it was a mainly positive vacation!) I got a beautiful new digital camera. I made some decisions about my life while I was home (i'll fill you in later), and I've got some big stuff to plan for this year.

Billy and I are doing something (don't know what yet) for New Year's eve, and then I think you won't be seeing much more from that quarter in these pages. I need to take back my life and my poor, battered self-esteem. I need to be loved in a way that makes me feel good about myself and my relationship--not one that makes me wonder and wish and grasp at straws. So. Yeah.

Anyway--you're mostly up to date. I have to go shower and haul my self in to work.

Hope you all had a fantastic Christmas, and a good boxing day too. :)