Jumping right back in.

Just breaking the silence.

I figured that the best way to start again, is to just do it.

So here you go.

I should be asleep...so I'm going. But I've got a lot to say...so I'll be back.

-DD finally said something about liking me
-he did it on the Wednesday after the last post
-we didn't get a lot of sleep because it took him until 3am to get up enough nerve to say something
-my response was nervous laughter (this is NOT a good way to respond)
-we smooched
-that was good
-he came back the next week
-we smooched more
-we may have done more than smooch
-i pointed out how terrible an idea it would be for us to get involved, but did it anyway
-he REALLY likes me
-he's a pretty decent man
-who really, REALLY likes me
-who's willing to drive 2 hours at a time to see me
-this weekend he did it on Friday night for a surprise
-it was a pretty good surprises
-lynn and alicia were coming down already that day though to help paint the house
-he stayed anyway and hung out with all of us
-they liked him, he liked them. it was a good surprise
-the girls painted my living room while i was at work on saturday
-it was awesome of them
-my house is starting to feel like MY HOUSE--now that it's painted especially
-the trim still needs done, but i can live with this for now--it's just sooo much better
-before this weekend, I was talking to DD on Wednesday or Thursday, and apparently a contact of his at H*me Despot emailed him about 'i hear you're sleeping with one of your store managers'
-it was annoying, irritating, pissed me off, angered me, and was incredibly disheartening that a reputation i've worked hard to build for 10 years could be destroyed by someone's car sitting in my driveway overnight.
-this weekend happened, and it was a great weekend--very relaxing.
-Also, it was nice to see a boy that wanted to see me and so drove 2 hours on his motorcycle to make that happen, and then drove 3 hours home in a rain storm. And is prepared to do it again...however long that takes. Pretty spiff.
-the girls painted my house. Awesome.
-i got lots of sleep, lots of jabber, and lots of friendly love. I have AMAZING friends. I am VERY, VERY, VERY lucky.
-tonight, i got a message from DD that he was getting called up on the carpet by the powers that be because someone called someone important to mention that we're seeing one another. Which we're technically not. Because I haven't decided yet. But he was warning me so that i could be aware in case someone said something to me.
-he's very thoughtful like that, because he wants me to not suffer any repercussions because he really wants us to go someplace. And he's considerate like that anyway.
-but he's worried. and I'm very worried for him. i'm prepared to tell people to fuck themselves because my private life is none of their business. however, his job DOES intersect with mine, and i don't want to do anything to jeopardize his integrity (or my own!)
-he's doing the physical test for the RCMP in 2 weeks. if he passes that, then he's quitting anyway
-i don't want to ever date a cop
-i should likely back off now anyway--and make his life easier. But i get the decided impression that he does not want that at all. he wants more involvement, not less. he's very persuasive.
-i want to be sure it's the right decision. *sigh*
-people suck, big time.

Anyway...bedtime.

Oh yes...and I may be flying home to Ontario on Wednesday morning for a funeral, and then back here on Friday morning. My last remaining grandparent died tonight. It's sad, but mostly because I feel loss at a relationship that never really was.

I always envied people who were closer to their grandparents. My grandma on my dad's side was never particularly close to us--not since we were tiny, anyway. She's a lovely woman who loved Jesus in a way that is not quite natural. She bought into all the television evangelists and whatever snake oil they were selling this week. She parented her kids until they turned 12, then they were on their own. She thought my mother was the only thing keeping my dad out of the priesthood. She wanted my mom to name me Thursyl (thanks for not doing that, mom). But for all that, she loved my father more than ice cream. She was a good woman. I did love her...but I didn't really KNOW her.

She lived far away, and her lifestyle kept her even farther away. My dad worked at keeping his family at a distance, and now that we're all adults, it seems natural to keep doing it.

But I should go home. I should do it for my dad. I should do it for myself. I should do it to honour the relationship that I always wished I had with a woman I hardly knew. I should do it to honour the relationships that my cousins DID have. And to reconnect with a family that I haven't seen in ages.

I will have to see what's going on...the flight is over $500, and I only have 3 days in which to complete it. I'd leave at 6 on Wednesday (from Moncton) and then come back out of Toronto at 8 on Friday morning. It's a whirlwind. I'm going to have to see if I can make it happen or not.

I'll keep you posted. On all of it.

I have a day to spend with my DM tomorrow. His boss is apparently the one that told DD's boss to cool it with the fraternizing. So we'll see if MY boss dares to say anything to me. I really WILL tell him to fuck himself if that's the case.

But first I'll get permission for the bereavement leave. :)