Hi. :)

I suck. I'm aware.

Painfully aware. One day, I'll detail it all. Now? Not so much.

I keep WANTING to blog. I keep NEEDING to blog. And I keep NOT doing it. So here goes. Breaking the silence. :)

I'm living in Halifax again, and happy as a pig in mud about that.

I've had an offer on the house, and we close on the 4th of March. WOOT!

Sadly, I'm not nearly ready to be moving away from there. I'm SOOOO over Amherst, but yet not ready to be leaving my beautiful little house.

And the boy is too far away. Because I've moved away. And that's hard to get used to again. And I don't really want to. But I also don't know that I'm prepared to do anything about it...because I'm not prepared to move again. And I don't want him to move. Sad, but true.

I've had a particularly crap-tastic week, but what's become crazily evident is what amazing friends I have, particularly in Billy. I'm a VERY lucky woman.

I'm baking cookies. The house smells yummy. I'm having some tea, then off to bed. :)

And I'm so glad to be back and have broken the silence again. Hi. :)

Breaking the silence.

I've been wanting to post every day for a month now. But I have not, for one reason or another.

Things have been great. Fantastic, actually. So much to tell...I'll catch up one of these days.

Short versions?

Billy finally came to see the house. It was good. He apologized for being an ass last fall/winter. I accepted the apology. We sat, and talked, and cried, and talked, and held, and we're good.

Christine and Bob came to visit! I got to see them, reconnect with Christine, get to know the kids a bit...it was awesome.


My dog has adjusted and loves me more than breathing. I love him back.

Darwin-


DD is very much a part of my day-to-day. It's odd for me, but nice. He's so attentive. I really like his kid. It scares the hell out of me--because I'm afraid to frig things up. I'm afraid to become too involved, in case it doesn't work out. I'm afraid of having to break up with BOTH of them. Hell, I dated a guy for an extra YEAR in high school because my sister loved him so much--I didn't know how to break him up from my family!

Anyway...I'm happy. I had a great weekend this weekend--the boys stayed at my house because the Child had a regatta in Shediac this weekend and my place is closer than theirs. It was really, really nice having them both in my space. It was cozy, and felt like it was supposed to be that way. Scary stuff.


I went out with Caileen & Jane's daughter last night, and had a blast. We all got trashed. DD offered, before i went out, to come fetch me if I needed a ride. I was surprised, as nobody has ever offered this before.

So...i called. And he came to get me. And he was a good sport. And he stayed up and listened to me gabble for a bit after. And then we slept. And it's so nice having him in my space.

Anyway--that's it for now. I can barely keep my eyes open.

Until more updates-- enjoy some photos.

Jumping right back in.

Just breaking the silence.

I figured that the best way to start again, is to just do it.

So here you go.

I should be asleep...so I'm going. But I've got a lot to say...so I'll be back.

-DD finally said something about liking me
-he did it on the Wednesday after the last post
-we didn't get a lot of sleep because it took him until 3am to get up enough nerve to say something
-my response was nervous laughter (this is NOT a good way to respond)
-we smooched
-that was good
-he came back the next week
-we smooched more
-we may have done more than smooch
-i pointed out how terrible an idea it would be for us to get involved, but did it anyway
-he REALLY likes me
-he's a pretty decent man
-who really, REALLY likes me
-who's willing to drive 2 hours at a time to see me
-this weekend he did it on Friday night for a surprise
-it was a pretty good surprises
-lynn and alicia were coming down already that day though to help paint the house
-he stayed anyway and hung out with all of us
-they liked him, he liked them. it was a good surprise
-the girls painted my living room while i was at work on saturday
-it was awesome of them
-my house is starting to feel like MY HOUSE--now that it's painted especially
-the trim still needs done, but i can live with this for now--it's just sooo much better
-before this weekend, I was talking to DD on Wednesday or Thursday, and apparently a contact of his at H*me Despot emailed him about 'i hear you're sleeping with one of your store managers'
-it was annoying, irritating, pissed me off, angered me, and was incredibly disheartening that a reputation i've worked hard to build for 10 years could be destroyed by someone's car sitting in my driveway overnight.
-this weekend happened, and it was a great weekend--very relaxing.
-Also, it was nice to see a boy that wanted to see me and so drove 2 hours on his motorcycle to make that happen, and then drove 3 hours home in a rain storm. And is prepared to do it again...however long that takes. Pretty spiff.
-the girls painted my house. Awesome.
-i got lots of sleep, lots of jabber, and lots of friendly love. I have AMAZING friends. I am VERY, VERY, VERY lucky.
-tonight, i got a message from DD that he was getting called up on the carpet by the powers that be because someone called someone important to mention that we're seeing one another. Which we're technically not. Because I haven't decided yet. But he was warning me so that i could be aware in case someone said something to me.
-he's very thoughtful like that, because he wants me to not suffer any repercussions because he really wants us to go someplace. And he's considerate like that anyway.
-but he's worried. and I'm very worried for him. i'm prepared to tell people to fuck themselves because my private life is none of their business. however, his job DOES intersect with mine, and i don't want to do anything to jeopardize his integrity (or my own!)
-he's doing the physical test for the RCMP in 2 weeks. if he passes that, then he's quitting anyway
-i don't want to ever date a cop
-i should likely back off now anyway--and make his life easier. But i get the decided impression that he does not want that at all. he wants more involvement, not less. he's very persuasive.
-i want to be sure it's the right decision. *sigh*
-people suck, big time.

Anyway...bedtime.

Oh yes...and I may be flying home to Ontario on Wednesday morning for a funeral, and then back here on Friday morning. My last remaining grandparent died tonight. It's sad, but mostly because I feel loss at a relationship that never really was.

I always envied people who were closer to their grandparents. My grandma on my dad's side was never particularly close to us--not since we were tiny, anyway. She's a lovely woman who loved Jesus in a way that is not quite natural. She bought into all the television evangelists and whatever snake oil they were selling this week. She parented her kids until they turned 12, then they were on their own. She thought my mother was the only thing keeping my dad out of the priesthood. She wanted my mom to name me Thursyl (thanks for not doing that, mom). But for all that, she loved my father more than ice cream. She was a good woman. I did love her...but I didn't really KNOW her.

She lived far away, and her lifestyle kept her even farther away. My dad worked at keeping his family at a distance, and now that we're all adults, it seems natural to keep doing it.

But I should go home. I should do it for my dad. I should do it for myself. I should do it to honour the relationship that I always wished I had with a woman I hardly knew. I should do it to honour the relationships that my cousins DID have. And to reconnect with a family that I haven't seen in ages.

I will have to see what's going on...the flight is over $500, and I only have 3 days in which to complete it. I'd leave at 6 on Wednesday (from Moncton) and then come back out of Toronto at 8 on Friday morning. It's a whirlwind. I'm going to have to see if I can make it happen or not.

I'll keep you posted. On all of it.

I have a day to spend with my DM tomorrow. His boss is apparently the one that told DD's boss to cool it with the fraternizing. So we'll see if MY boss dares to say anything to me. I really WILL tell him to fuck himself if that's the case.

But first I'll get permission for the bereavement leave. :)

No time to post...

...but I can't leave that self-indulgent crap as the top post.

Although, I suppose, what is a blog if it's not self-indulgent?

My furnace has decided to stop working. It is currently quite cold in my bedroom, and nice and cozy here in the blankets. I'm supposed to be at work in 10 minutes or so, however I'm not going to be. I'm not *technically* scheduled until 8, although I have a crapload of work that needs doing...so I'm not going in until then. I want an extra hours here in the warmth.

I had a really nice visit with Amanda after work last night...she's going on a pilgrimage next week, and it was lovely to hear her talk about it a bit. Her pilgrimage is taking her to Iona, in Scotland...which causes me great envy. Both for the pilgrimage, and the trek to an area of Scotland that is still native ghaidlig speaking.

I am desperate for a vacation, but simply cannot forsee a time between now and May when I can realize that dream. Ah well. Particularly not now that I may have to shell out insanely big bucks to replace the furnace.

I knew this was a very real possibility when I bought the house. I held off on ordering my new kitchen cupboards because I was aware that I might have to drop $3K on a new heat source. But Yikes. It's a lot of cash. That I'd like to spend making the house prettier so that when I sell it, I can get more for it. But being warm is also important, so I guess we'll go with that. Who knows...it may just need cleaning or something.

All I know is that it won't stay going. I hit the reset button a few times, and I was able to get it started last night, but once it came up to temperature, it stopped...and wouldn't start again. I didn't go to bed until after 1, and at that time it was still 18.8*C...but now? It's probably about 13 or 14 if I'm lucky. Brr.

I'm fortunate that today and tomorrow are supposed to be relatively warm, so nothing inside is likely to freeze just yet. Hopefully I can get the furnace guy in today to service it. I phoned my oil company last night when I couldn't get it started at first to get them to send the tech out right away. Thankfully it started up, because when I asked him to schedule a visit from the fix-it folks, he said 'no problem!' and informed me that they're independent contractors, and while the oil company would gladly allow me to charge their services to my bill, the going rate for DAYTIME visits was $81/hour plus tax and parts. I KNEW I should have gone into a career in furnace repair! Can you imagine what the fee for an emergency call-out would have been? Yikes!

More and more I'm loving my HWB (hot water bottle).

Yesterday at work was okay. I had a steady stream of folks in and out of my office, all wanting a piece of me. I really feel more like a daycare instructor at some times than I do a manager. I didn't realize grown adults were this much WORK all the time. I just always went in to work and did my job. I didn't bitch about it, I didn't complain about everybody else, I just did my work. And when I was done doing my work, I went home. At least, I hope to hell that's what I did. I really don't want to see myself as yet another 'issue' someone else had to deal with every day!

Ah well. This too shall pass.

Today is guaranteed to be rough. I have 4 deadlines all falling today, and I'm likely to meet only 2 of them. Entirely my own fault, as I took 2 days off to do absolutely nothing except sulk and feel bad. However, it's not going to make the day any less stressful knowing that I pretty much 'chose' to not meet the deadlines. I'll try desperately all day to make everyone else happy, while trying to catch up enough to either meet, or semi-meet the deadlines, and wonder what the hell I'm doing all of this for.

Yet knowing that is what will happen, and even knowing that earlier this week, I will still be stressed out and anxious. I will still berate myself for taking the time for me earlier when I should have been focusing more clearly on my work and the tasks at hand. I know it's not logical, but it's my life.

I was talking to Amanda last night about balance. I really need to find some. I wake up in the morning stressing about work. I go to sleep at night, worrying about work. I spend all my waking moments concentrating on how to make everyone else's lives better, and I don't spend any time at all focussed on how to make MY life better. I need some balance.

Jane suggested I go to her meditation class on Tuesday night at the university. I think I may take her up on it; because as much as I mocked my mother for joining one back in the summer, I really DO appreciate the peace that meditation has to offer. Or I did when I was a kid and was taking karate. I used to meditate before each sparring match and kata when I was in tournaments. At high school, just before I went in to write an exam, I'd find a quiet place in the hallway. When everyone else was stressing out and freaking out, I'd meditate for a few minutes, and walk in calm and peaceful. I don't think it helped my results, but I felt a lot better about writing! *laugh*

I need to get to the gym. And I need to stop my bitching. I need to get off my arse and paint this house. Because if I DO decide to sell it pronto and move, I'd like to get as much for it as I can. I.e. hopefully!!! what I paid. But we shall see.

Anyway. For someone with no time, this sure turned into a rather lengthy post. I'm sure you'll cope.

Happy Friday, folks!

Man, time flies.

It's already Wednesday? Where has the time gone?!

I'm completely overwhelmed at work right now, so this will/should be shorter than usual.

Where've I been? What've I been doing? I'm glad you asked!

I closed on Friday, so stayed home Friday night. This was a good thing. I was pooped. Saturday, I worked all day. At 3, Devo (the POF boy I have known for a long while) called me at work to see if I wanted to do something that night. Having no plans, I did. I worked until 7:30, got some groceries, and was home by 8.

We went bowling! In Dieppe! Yes, I really know how to party. It was actually kinda fun. For the first game or so. But he doesn't talk much. He's funny as hell when he does, but I tire very quickly of having to carry ALLLL the conversation. Feels too much like work. Anyway, it was fun.

I got to witness some of the young leaders of tomorrow having social time at the bowling alley--all I have to say is that I'm damned glad to not be a kid today. I couldn't wait for high school to be over, and I'm pretty sure all the kids in the herd we were watching feel the same way.

Saturday night I was up very late. Sunday I slept in a bit--until 10 am. It was delicious.

I then cleaned up a storm--first time since I've moved in, really. I scrubbed light-plates, and wiped baseboards. I even swept the floor. But only in 4 rooms. The rest of the house is still a dumpsite. I emptied 2 more boxes, moved my bookshelf, relocated the books from the front hallway into the actual bookshelf. I even moved my laundry from the chair. I was Productive.

I then avoided going in to work by making carrot soup, and banana bread. I couldn't find my recipe book, so I used a banana bread recipe off the internet. I didn't like it. I'm eating it, and I fed it to company, but I don't enjoy it much.

So Company. While I was making the soup, my phone rang. It was DD. Corporate security. Calling on his way home from PEI. To chat. (tell me I don't know how to read people--HA!) We chatted a bit. I was friendly, but not terribly encouraging. We talked for 17 minutes *boggle* and then I hung up.

I moved on with my day/life. About an hour later, the phone rang again. Apparently DD was too tired to drive all the way back to SJ, so was coming my way to get an hotel and crash, and did I want to be a good samaritan and go eat with him when he got to town. I said okay, and thought to myself--either this guy is a much better surveillance guy than I'm giving him credit for, or he's waaaaay more transparent at the boy-girl stuff than I had given him credit for. Either way....ugh.

At 7:30 we went to eat--I just had fries because I'd already had copious amounts of soup earlier. We chatted, it was nice. When he came to drop me off, I stopped at the store to pick up some work for a report that I HAD to have done for Monday morning. I was quite clear about my deadline.

I invited him in for banana bread and tea, which we had. And we chatted in my kitchen. For far too many hours. I finally said 'okay, you have to leave now.' at 1:30 am. Because I still had work to do. So he left, looking exhausted and slightly awkward.

I didn't stay up to finish my report. I should have, but I did not.

Monday morning, I was up early to finish it. I did not. Yesterday at work? I did not finish it. Yesterday afternoon? I got busted for not having it finished. Oops.

Last night I worked late. I did not finish it. This morning, I got up early. I have not finished it. I have an hour still--assuming I stop blogging right....NOW. I have no intention of doing so.

Work has gotten back to a stage of overwhelmingness. People are unhappy at work right now; and I'm trying so hard to fix THAT that I'm having a hard time keeping up with the meaningless TASKS that I'm burdened with. I have no less than 6 checklists I'm responsible to fill out and complete daily. Some of the items on the checklists are simple 3 minute jobs. Some of them are 50 minute jobs. Added together, the tasks equal about 10 hours of work. Some of it I can delegate, but right now that's more work than just doing it myself. But that doesn't leave me any time to engage my staff in things that are pleasant or cheerful. So Bleh. If I didn't care about the people, it would be a lot easier to do my job.

Oh well. 'tis life.

I'm soooo tired these days. I haven't caught up from the weekend yet--and even though I've been able to sleep in each day, my body has decided that 6:50 am is the best time to wake up. I keep trying to go back to sleep, but pretty much the second I wake up my mind begins racing with all the work-stuff I have to get done.

I'm looking forward to this weekend--some peripheral friends in Halifax are throwing a party so that I get to go down and hang out with them. I'm looking forward to it, because a) I miss that particular bunch of people, and b) it'll be a fun thing to do. (That, and it will hopefully distract me from being disgruntled about not being invited out with the Gaelic bunch for Pat's b-day.)

Okay...one hour to finish this report and get my arse to work. It's the COB's last day for 2 months. And the DM tells me it's the plan to make sure the COB doesn't come back. They're trying to find her a new job that doesn't involve working near me. Which will make my life much, much better. I hope.

Have a great day, poppets! See you tonight!

Brr.

For the record, I'd just like to state that I*rving home heating blows dead goats.

Today was a rather average kind of day. Until I got home, that is.

When I'm at work, I turn down the thermostat. When I get home, I turn it up again. When I got home after work tonight it was almost 10 pm. I made some dinner. I did some dishes. Then I wondered why I was so cold. Oh yeah! I didn't turn up the heat--16.5*C isn't really all that warm. So I headed over to the thermostat. It's digital, so very easy to read and adjust. It tells me to the tenth of a degree what the actual temperature is inside the house, and allows me to program it to the half a degree. I cranked it up to 20*C--where I I like to keep it when I'm home--and went to see what was doing online.

After about 20 minutes, I was still cold so I went to the thermostat and noticed that it was actually COLDER inside the house than it had been 20 minutes earlier. This was odd. So I cranked the temperature up to 23*C. I listened for the furnace to kick in. It did not. Uh oh.

The insurance inspector guy was here this morning, so I figured I'd double check to see if he'd accidentally done something to the furnace. I saw that the pilot light was not on. I checked the oil gauge on the tank. EMPTY. Fuckers. I'm supposed to be on automatic replenishment. I'm NEVER supposed to run out of oil, because they're supposed to fill the tank BEFORE IT GETS EMPTY.

Fuckers.

Anyway, at 11:00 pm I called the 1-800 number. Patrick promised to dispatch the oil truck immediately, and that the oil truck driver would do a Bleed&Start on my oil tank when he got here. He apologized profusely for letting me run out of oil. At 11:00 pm when I called, it was 15.6*C inside my house.

I was exhausted at this point, and wanted to be in bed asleep--not waiting for the oil man. I have to work at 7AM. I am going to Halifax right after work. I need to be asleep. But I waited.

And waited.

And at 1:00 I decided I was impatient, and phoned again. Jeffrey told me the driver had been dispatched and was in transit. At 1:48 the truck showed up. And he wasn't able to fill up the tank.

The whistle doesn't work on my oil filler pipe. So he wasn't supposed to put any oil in it. Which is likely what happened on the 8th of December, when they filled (and billed!) me a whopping 5.8 litres. I thought it was petty when I got the invoice, but I figured that with a big storm coming up, I must have had plenty of oil and they were saving it for someone who really needed it. Apparently my logic was flawed.

Apparently, the whistle wasn't working, so they weren't allowed to fill the tank. The guy who was here THAT time, just didn't bother to tell anybody. He must have been the same guy that was supposed to inspect my oil tank before the first fill and didn't, but told them that he did. He must also have been the same guy that then did NOT start my oil tank after I ran out of oil the last time--but told the oil company that he had.

Anyway, they gave me 57 litres for tonight, and started the furnace. It was sooo nice to see the temperature start to climb again! The boy who did it was nice, he put in a service call right away--before he even came inside to start the furnace! I'm the first stop on the service tech's day tomorrow. Which is all great and good, but I have to be at work at 7. So if they need to come inside the house for some reason, they'll have to call me to get someone to run over some keys. Idjits. My contract with them has been nothing but trouble so far. Thankfully they're smart enough to hire a few really great associates that make me not absolutely want to fire-bomb their offices. I'm just sayin'.

At least the furnace is on now, and I'll be warm until breakfast. I just wish that Billy Elliot hadn't been on TV while I was waiting, because now I don't want to go to sleep, even though I have to be up in just 3 and a half hours! Oh well. Plenty of time to sleep when I'm dead.

G'night folks!

Ahhh....

This was my first weekend off in 6 weeks. It was great.

Uneventful, but great.

I had a fight with Bill earlier in the week, which did not set a pleasant tone for the remainder of the week, but I pulled it out of the fire, and we ended up okay.

I drove to Halifax for Thirstday, even though I had to be back in Amherst to do my P&L on Friday afternoon. I was supposed to be off on Friday, and for the entire weekend, but having to be back in Amherst for 3 hours in the middle of the day made that a bit of a pain in the ass.

Thirstday was lovely...pleasant drive, great visit, nice chat...okay tunes, not so terrible sleep. (I don't usually sleep well when I stay at Billy's, as his bed is too small to even be cozy.)

Friday I discovered that I have a rodent house-guest(or 27). Not fun. I drove back to the city for the evening, planning to head out to the Lower Deck for Joanna's birthday. I got home in time, but was tired, so decided to just chill out in front of the TV. It was great.

Saturday I spent cleaning, getting my hair cut, chilling at the mall, and more cleaning. I was in bed by 10. It was FANTASTIC.

I spent all day today cleaning. Have I mentioned all the cleaning? Yeah. My roomie turns out to have been a vile, disgusting, filthy pig. Oh yeah, and he owes me $90. I was going to let the $$ go, but the place is filthy, and he broke the door to his bedroom when he was moving out and didn't bother to mention it. So yeah...My anger fuelled my desire for cleanliness. The place is spotless. Well, except for my furniture, which is another story altogether.

I brought all my cutlery and some tupperware back with me. I brought a couple more pans, and a frying pan. I can actually EAT not. I just can't SLEEP at my new house. I'm still living in the hotel, as my furniture and personal belongings are all still in Halifax. Now that I actually have 5 minutes to myself at work, I may be able to start worrying about stuff that matters to ME...like getting my furniture, complaining about my furnace oil, and moving into my stinking house!

I'm beat, and I still have work to do tonight, but I'm not doing it. I'm blogging. I'm taking some ME time. I finally got my home internet working properly at the house. I brought my wireless router back with me tonight, and got that set up too. That way, I can sit at the only place in the house that has a chair (my kitchen island) and play online. IN MY OWN HOUSE.

Tomorrow, I will eat supper at my house. I may even shower at my house for the first time. I am going to see if I can borrow a fold-away cot from a co-worker, and then I'm going to move out of the hotel and into my house. I just want some normalcy in my life.

Did I mention how much I got accomplished this weekend, when I was net-free? I didn't fritter away my weekend reading blogs, I just got stuff done.

Anyway...I'm off to bed. :) I'll see you all tomorrow. Have a happy week!