Cleaning house

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Gift Registry

Some people came in tonight to register in our Wedding Registry. Which got me thinking. If any of you would ever like to buy me a gift, you can get me one of these. I think I'd really appreciate it. And I'd appreciate it so much more if it came from a complete stranger who wanted nothing more than to make me happy with socks.

Wow, I inserted a hyperlink for the first time. I always wanted to know how to do that, and it's WAY easier than I anticipated. I thought I"d have to learn code or something. I just pushed some buttons instead. God bless the coders for making my online babbling so simple.

Elephants may never forget, but there's a lot of stuff that I can't seem to remember. Like to pay my stupid internet bill. You'd think that since I use it all the time it would be easy. But it's not.

They don't send me my bill electronically--which would facilitate me seeing it in my mailbox all the time. They mail me a bill, but they choose to do so only after I haven't paid it for a couple of months. I set up the payment as an automatic debit from my bank account, but I"ve been playing with my banking so much over the last couple of months that I apparently cancelled my net payment. Oops. So I got a copy of my invoice today, and then promptly paid it in full. But these lewzers could make my life so much easier just by billing me promptly. Jerkasses.

Work was long. This was my third 14 hour day this week, and one of them took place on my day off. It's fine. But I"m pooped. Today was actually quite good though...The HR director for our company was in my store today. It was quite a fluke, actually. But I took an opportunity.

She's new to her position--I knew her when I worked at head office, and have known her for a few years through other functions in the company. But I didn't know how little the previous guy had told her. So I said "I don't know how much Brian told you about things when he left, but I want to make sure that you know where I stand. I want a store. " She was surprised. She said she had no idea (and I actually believed her) and asked if I would move. I suggested that I'd move to Timbuktu if it got me what I wanted. (For those of you keeping track at home, I've worked in 4 locations in the last year--7 in the last 3 years.)

I actually brought up to her the point that I knew being a woman would work against me, but that I wanted a store more than a baby, and that my focus right now is my career. She was very receptive, and seemed genuinely surprised. She said she'd remind the CEO and that I'd hear from her in the future. She pointed out taht there were currently no openings--I suggested that I was aware that there may not be any for some time, but that I also knew one could come up tomorrow. I suggested again that I was prepared to do whatever it takes--"I want a store, I have always wanted a store--even when I worked at the office. My focus has not changed, my goal has always been a store, and I don't anticipate that changing any time soon."

I felt very good about the whole encounter--because at least now the cards are on the table. But she was also receptive, and quite assuring. So...we shall see.

Anyway--I'm exhausted and must sleep.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

curiouser and curiouser

Well now, there they are. My missing posts. I guess now we have proof that they weren't works of astounding quality and fascination. I guess I have to take it back now--you weren't really missing out at all. In fact, you'd probably have been better served to have stayed in bed all day and waited until tonight to read my blog. Oh well. Now I"m REALLY on my way to work. ~~wave~~


There was a big post. And it was a good one. But Blogger ate it. Twice.

And it was great--a well-written, entirely fascinating piece of semi-fiction. (since it is gone, I can tell you anything I like and you are obligated to believe it in the face of a lack of evidence to the contrary *cackle*)

That is all, I'm late for work.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005


There was a post. And it was a good one. But it wouldn't publish, so you'll just have to go without. How do you like those apples? Yeah, me too.


I'm cold. And I think it's just a taste of what's to come. Stupid winter.

I was just sitting here thinking how tired I am, and then I realized I was cold. Generally, the two go hand in hand, but I know that I am *more* cold than I am tired.. That is all.

Paige is getting a new haircut. I'm growing mine out. I think we're going to actually meet up with the same haircut around photo #4. if you'd like to go and have a look for yourself. She's quite a lovely gal for a complete stranger. :) (That's not to say that she's completely strnage--perhaps a little, but I need to reserve judgement until I've actually met her myself. Stalking her online doesn't quite count.)

One of these days, I'll hook up some links over there ---> on the side and you can just go look for yourself at all the cool places I travel every day. I have some seriously interesting reading going on. So much so, in fact, that it quite often uses up all my time and energy and I have nothing left with which to blog myself. I come back all read out and spent. That, and I see that there are so many talented people out there with fascinating lives that I wonder about wasting hte bandwidth. *Grin* And then I say, 'fuck it' and do it anyway. If you don't like it, you won't read it.

I worked 14 hours today, and we have a store inspection visit tomorrow, so I'm going to have a very long day off working at the store. Bleh. I'm hoping that the firing will take a long time tomorrow, and there won't be time for an inspection. Although the firee called in sick today, so if he doesn't show up again tomorrow, the visit will be LOOOOOONG and nit-picky for me. Here's hoping for a sacrificial lamb. (the firee has no idea this is coming, as there are only 4 of us in the store that are aware it is happening--unless he reads my blog and was able to identify himself from my highly-flattering comments yesterday. In that case--woopsie!)

I seem to be rather fond of ellipses today. That doesn't look right, it is likely spelled wrong. If I am lucky, I"ll be able to hit 'create post' without running for my dictionary. However, I am likely not so lucky as to become suddenly unconcerned and less than anal in such a short period of time. Wow. I was right. I just delved into my stack of unopened boxes to find my dictionary. I spelled ellipse correctly the first time. It just looked goofy in plural form. I'm such a freaking nerd.

Okay, on that nerdy note, I will leave you with the lovely website that follows. I quite enjoy the puzzle of the day when I can find a computer fast enough to play them.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Monday always comes

...right after Sunday.

Sunday was a pretty good day, in fact, this whole weekend was pretty okay overall. I didn't do anything spectacular, nor did anything particularly horrific occur.

We were all braced for an Hurricane that never showed up, and that was entertaining all on its own. Not having lived here when Hurricane Juan hit the East coast, I was a passive observer. A visitor to the aftermath. I really cannot appreciate the severity of the situation--people without power and water for several weeks at a time. But even knowing how bad things had been, I found the whole 'scurrying to get ready' and 'freaking out at the grocery store' bit to be highly entertaining.

I had left my groceries to be got on Saturday (my regularly scheduled day off for the week). Stupid move. It's like shopping at 7:00 Friday night, or just before close on the Saturday before Christmas. At least the grocery store had called in extra cashiers.

There was no BREAD, people. No BREAD. I don't know what these crazy Haligonians thought was going on...but in their state of diminished capacity, they seemed to think there was going to be a ridiculously large requirement for grain products. People went without refrigeration for weeks on end during the last storm. I get that. They had to cook on the very few neighbourhood barbeques that had not blown away. I get that too. But without power and refrigeration, how freaking long did they expect all the bread in the city to stay good?! The stuff ROTS within a matter of days. People are dumb.

There was no noticable shortage of root vegetables or beef jerky.

Anyway, after all the drama, the hype, and the crazy-ass attention showered on the weather-girl, the storm was a bust. It rained really heavily for most of Saturday evening, and late into the night. Then nothing. No really severe winds, no damage, no destruction. Quite the let-down, if you ask me.

Because of all the signs of the coming Apocalypse--I decided Sunday would be a great day to go to the gym. So I did. And I didn't die.

I only did 40 minutes of cardio on the treadmill, but at least I showed up. And got on a machine. And tomorrow I hope to do the same again. Maybe. I need to get the girl to show me how to use the new equipment, and see if I can get them to hook me up with the 'new member' free training session again. It's been over a year, and I *did* renew my membership--that should count as a new sign up. It's a brand new gym building--I could pretend to be a total putz and claim I can't figure out how to use the machines...that would be fun, and wouldn't exactly be lying, as I really *am* a total putz.

I just got notice that my 2000 taxes that I submitted last month have been reassessed with a balance owing. They don't appear to have all my receipts, so I'm going to resubmit and see if that helps. They don't have my entire income listed, let alone any of my credits. They don't have any of my RRSP contributions marked, none of my charitable stuff, and none of my provincial tax-credits accounted for. It's almost as though they lost part of my tax package. Good thing I kept copies.

This likely wouldn't have happened if I"d submitted them 5 years ago like I should have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I'm CLEANING HOUSE. I'm working hard at being a better person--more organized, more timely, blah, blah, blah. So yeah. Anyway, I didn't file because I knew they owed me cash and I couldn't be bothered to figure out how much. But now they seem confused. And I need to remind them that they owe me a thousand bucks, plus my GST credit. :) Also, I could use the cash now. *grin*

I talked to my mother on Sunday, and while we were on the phone, my dad walked in. It was just a little too cozy for my liking, and I hate to see her getting jerked around. But. She's a grown woman, and while I may not like what's going on, I'm home for only 7 days a year and I hardly have any right to comment or judge. But SHEESH! What a prick he can be.

Good news on the work front, a thorn that's been in the side of everyone working at the store for the last 4 years is getting canned on Wednesday. While I feel sorry for his family-but he's such an ass, and an incompetent, nasty, vindictive, sneaky little prick--that it's really hard not to be overjoyed. We've been trying to get the company to can his ass for years but the labour laws definitely seem to be written to protect the incompetent. Finally legal says there's enough, so we're having a party. I think I may take in a cake for my store manager, because I know this has been his goal for a looooong time.

I feel bad taking joy in someone else's misfortune, but when that misfortune causes a decrease in stress, strain, and harassment filings for over 100 other people, I'd say we're supporting the greater good.

My throat has been sore every morning when I wake up for the last month or so and I'm afraid that I may have mono. One of the boys at the store had it for the last couple of months, but he's only been off work for 3 weeks. He didn't know he had it, and was powering through for a few weeks just feeling a bit 'off'. Ever since, I've been paranoid. Well, not really EVER since...but ever since my throat has been sore AND I knew Allan was sick. The two facts in combination have caused my paranoia. Until then, I thought I may have a touch of acid reflux. This, even though my digestion has always been excellent and I don't *feel* like I have bile in my mouth when I wake up...but I might rabbit, I might.

Hmm...that's it for the extraordinarily long post for today. I leave you with this website, just for kicks and giggles.

Thursday, September 15, 2005


Well, well, well.

It appears that it's been several days since my last post. It's one of those things where the more you do it, the more you want to, and the longer it is between posts, the easier it is to not post at all.

Kinda like exercise, that way.

We will now have a poem.
Several years ago the Washington Post had a contest; submit instructions for anything, written in the style of a famous person. The winning entry:

The Hokey Pokey (as written by W. Shakespeare).

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

by William Shakespeare (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls)

Wasn't that lovely? I thought you might enjoy it. I certainly did.

What was I doing during my absence, you ask? (I heard you muttering it under your breath, no point in denying it!) Not a heck of a lot, I answer. I have been working, having lovely chats with my boss, stewing about how incompetent my staff can be (which indicates to me how much I need to develop as a supervisor in order to help them excel), and eating tomatoes.

I stopped yesterday on my way home from the staff meeting at a roadside stand. This is one of those seasonal garden centres where they have plants in the spring, and veggies in the last summer and fall. I bought field tomatoes for $0.99 a pound. A bargain of a price, and they were, I must confess, the BEST tomatoes I have eaten since I left Ontario. They were sweet, juicy, and large. They were the kind of tomato that it only takes two slices of to make a sandwich. The kind of tomato that you could slice up on a plate with a little bit of salt and pepper, and it would be a MEAL. They were delicious. I regret now that I only purchased 3. I thought they were going to be the same old blase tomatoes that I always get out here.

I am now torn--I want the tomatoes to go on forever. I NEED more tomatoes--my tastebuds are screaming for the tangy delicious sweetness of vine-ripened fruit. And yet I am afraid to purchase more tomatoes; because now, I have been spoiled. I previously had no expectations of my fruit. Now I want it to be wonderful. And I know full-well that it will not be. I will be served with the kind of tomatoes that are fit only for a store-bought salad. The kind of tomato that you slice and put on the plate as a decorative garnish--but the type of garnish that shouldn't be eaten--kind of like a plastic flower or a frilly toothpick. How can any fruit live up to these exacting demands? It is far too much pressure for a fruit. Particularly a tomato, because everyone knows what happens when you exert too much pressure on a tomato...Juice. Juice happens.

If I haven't posted since, the ball tournament on Sunday was a blast. I got a bit sunburned, which has now turned to the best tan I've had in years. Skin cancer here I come! The aches and pains were minimal--compared to what I experienced after my trip to the gym with Lynn, it was a cake walk*. I only gimped around at work a little bit on Tuesday, and was able to move, climb in and out of the car under my own steam quite easily, and even move several boxes of flooring in an attempt to be viewed as 'helpful-Sarah'.

* Do you remember the Cake Walk? We always had one at Fun Night in elementary school. No matter what school you went to, at the May Fun Night there was a cake walk. In one classroom the desks had been moved aside. Numbers were taped down on the floor in a circle, and people had to walk around the room like a big game of musical chairs. When the music stopped, a number was drawn, and if you were standing on that number, you won a cake. The kids' mothers must have baked dozens of cakes to be able to play this game for 3 hours straight. What a great game. Free cake!!!

Why is it that I always start posting here when it's already time for bed and I then go on for ages and my posts are so incredibly long? I am always amazed at the brevity and succinctness of Christine's posts. It makes me feel long-winded and self-important to go back and read my own posts. But tonight I think I determined the reasoning behind my lengthy posts. (Who needs a reason, you may very well be asking? I do. That's who.)

Paige and Christine both have people who live in their homes. They get to talk about their day when they come home. Sometimes I'm sure they would prefer not to; however, I digress. I live alone. Therefore, when I come home, I have no one to tell aobut my day. I make my dinner, I watch TV, I do my laundry...all without a word. Sometimes I tell myself I've done something particularly well, or made a rather dumb-ass move; however, I usually have no other companion than the television. So this is my conversation. You are my uwitting companions. (that's not the same thing at all as being witless--I'd never say that about you! [not even YOU--and you know you sometimes deserve it!]) So that's my theory. It bears no relevance to the Real World, but I find it interesting in an observational psychology sorta-way.

How do you feel about Green Tea? I'm a recent addict. I love the stuff. I enjoy the nice light taste, I enjoy the lack of caffeine. I enjoy the mildly-stimulating effect of the stuff. I don't know; however, if I buy into the whole 'aid to weight loss' thing. They say that if you drink more than 3 cups a day it speeds up your metabolism and helps you burn calories faster. I have seen no evidence of this, but I really haven't been paying that close attention either. I endeavour to pay closer attention over the next few weeks, and I will report back to the curious hoardes.

Operation 'Get-Sarah-a-Store' is now under way. Any and all suggestions are welcome. If you have insight as to how a very capable and clever girl can make it in a Man's-man's World--please feel free to forward them. You can post them here, or you can email them to me at You will receive no credit for your ideas, nor will there be financial compensation or remuneration of any kind. I will dance the dance of joy if the plan comes to fruition, and I may even video-tape it and mail it to you, but I make no promises. So send in your ideas! Operators are standing by to take your emails. Write now, and write often.**
**this offer is void where prohibited.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

26* and sunny

Today was lovely.

I slept in, but was still up far earlier than my sister. We went to the mall, where I found the perfect pair of pants. I left them at the mall, as i have no money. I was having a skinny day, so it was a great day to try on pants, and find the perfect pair of pants. Even if I could not bring them home with me, where they belong.

We came home, ate pierogies, baked banana bread, and are now just chillin' watching Inked and CSI simultaneously. We both have an insane obsession with CSI. It's not good.

Last night, Lynn came by and the three of us went to Dairy Queen for an overpriced sugar-rush. We then came home and had a drink. Lynn and Amy each had a glass of wine, and i had a beer. Amy had two more glasses of wine after Lynn left, and prior to my going to sleep. When I woke up, the wine bottle was empty, and the last 3 beers were gone too. Someone was a little bit thirsty, I'm thinking. Otherwise, I've started sleep-drinking. I'm sure i'm a riot when I"m doing this, but it could wreak havoc on my liver. Not to mention all the extra steps I'm getting while I'm in bed that I"m not taking credit for on my activity page!

I'm tired of being poverty-stricken. I have felt like a real loser during this visit with Amy because I haven't been able to take her out to do anything riotously fun and tourist like. She hasn't seemed to notice, and when I point out that we can go and do whatever she would like, she comes up with things which are quite tame and fairly inexpensive...which is cool, and I haven't prompted her, but sheesh...I feel like a heel for not forcing her to do things like mountain climbing and scuba diving (both of which I equate in my head as being very pricey hobbies--never having done either, I could be wrong. But I doubt it).

Work tomorrow for the morning, as David Snow (our vice-ceo if there is such a thing) is coming to the store for a meeting with the department managers and assistant managers. I intend to ask him flat-out (if the opportunity presents itself) if they intend to ever give me a store, and what it is that I need to do to get that store of my own. I think he will appreciate the ballsy-ness of the move, and not be annoyd by the aggressive nature of the question. They expect that shit from the men, and I think I need to take the opportunity to remind him what it is that I want from this company, and that I'm here, wonderful, and that hthey need me to take charge. We shall see. I may just chicken-shit out of it too.

Must fix the car. Must fix the debt. Must fix the attitude. Must remind people that I am amazing and deserve to be treated as such.

I'm so glad to get this shit out of the way with Luke. I want to call him up and ask for more store gossip (like I used to pre-dating) about his new store, but I'm a little afraid that it would be too much too soon and he'd think I was being all girly. Which I may be, but I've been questionging the motives of my desires for the last two days, and I think they're pure. I also think that I obsess too much and I should just lighten the fuck up. Boys don't put this much thought and consideration into ANYTHING, why should I imagine that he'd think anything of my calling to get scoop? Argh. Being a girl sucks sometimes. *grin* But it does make it easier to wear skirts in public!

Monday, September 05, 2005

Monday - Labour-free day! :)

So...great couple of days :)

Amy arrived here on Saturday night. I picked her up at the airport, we got some beer and some groceries. :) Yesterday, we went to Point Pleasant Park, wandered around a bit, and had a lovely visit. We drank far too much wine last night. It was wonderful. :)

Today, we watched a whole lot of the '24' marathon...then we went to the driving range, and wandered the waterfront for a while. We had dinner at the Thirsty Duck and came home for more '24'. We're more than slightly addicted.

So. I called Luke tonight to wish him well. I figured that tonight would be the night that the nervousness would set in. Tomorrow is the first day at his new store, and it'll be a big day in his life. I'm amazed that he's got a store, and more than a little bit jealous.

I wonder what it would be like to get everything that you've been working toward. To have your goals met, and your dreams filled, all in one fell swoop. The last time I felt even remotely close to meeting a major life goal, was just before I broke up with Ryan. Rather, before he broke up with me. Much as it suits my ego to believe otherwise, I was unceremoniously dumped in the middle of my final exams. Why do I only date selfish men?

So...anyway...back to Luke and me. We seem to be okay. I chatted like no time had passed, expressed repeatedly how happy I am for him...mentioned how jealous I am (so true!)...he said he was glad I was jealous *Grin* He seemed surprised that i was happy for him, but genuinely pleased that I was.

We chatted about a bunch of stuff, talked about softball and the tournament...and then I brought it up. I said "Do you think that you are at a point...where we can chalk up the last year or so to an unfortunate lapse in judgment and be friends again?" He said "I hope so" and sounded like he really wanted to be, but wasn't sure if *HE* was able to. Either that, or he was afraid that I was going to pull a Fatal Attraction thing on him...either way. :) I said "I don't regret it..but.." He jumped in and said "Neither do I"...I then said "But I really miss having you as my friend, and I value your friendship more than anything elese that transpired. I'd really like us to be able to get back to that." He said "I think that would be the best". So...whee :)

Then we talked about a bunch of other stuff, he VOLUNTEERED information about a wedding he went to last week, it was odd. Then we talked about how much of a raise he got, and how much opportunity there is for cash...and we chatted a bit, he got distracted by the internet, and I suggested we were done. I encouraged him to call me this week and let me know how it was going. He sunded eager and said "Yeah, I"ll do that!"...I"m not holding my breath, but...I really hope he does.

I want us to be friends again. I miss having a best friend. I miss having an office friend to gossip with.

Speaking of boss and I were having a chat the other evening. It started about a bunch of stuff, and ended up very personal. He was telling me how his first marriage ended. At one point he even said "I can't believe I'm telling you this!" but he continued. I feel very special that he feels comfortable enough to tell me this stuff. I've always loved Scott. I'd defend him to the end. I really trust his opinions, and I value his knowledge. I appreciate that he trusts me. I want to make sure that I deserve that trust.

He is someone whose opinion I value very much. I made it clear the other day that what I want is a store, not a I hope that he tells the people who can make those decisions. I hope that he helps me to become someone the company can give that responsibility.

I am on beer #3, and likely shouldn't be typing. *grin* I feel bad that I"m in here typing drunkenly and dwelling on my own life, when Amy's in the other room watching Kiefer Sutherland on tv. Did you know that Kiefer Sutherland says "New-cu-lar"? He does. Keifer, darling, it's NEW-clee-ar. Read it the way it's spelled. Freak. That's a huge pet peeve for me.

Why are all the attractive intelligent men either married, or too old? Or too young? Or too immature? Why can't the boys that like ME be the boys that I like? Why must they all be dorks? Or stupid?


Anyway. So glad Amy's here. We've had a great couple of days. But any ridiculous belief that I held out of being the great white hope is just as ludicrous as ever. If not worse. I'm such an idiot . Why do I feel that i should have all the answers? What makes me think that I'm so special and that everyone should do what I think is right? How do I intend to make everyone else's life better when I can't manage to control my own?

Luke has the career path that I always wanted. His life is all falling into place at 25. I'm 34 years old and I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up. It's bizarre. I always thought that my destiny would fall into place, despite my best efforts to fuck it up. And yet, things keep happening. I keep directing my own fate. How do I save my self from myself? I always manage to get in my own way.

Anyway. I'm still happy for Luke. I'm just so jealous that I want to cry.

And is it wrong to hope that once I *do* get my own store, we could hook up without repercussions at the manager's meetings? just some free-no-strings-attached sex? I could use some of that right now. *grin* Yikes. What am I thinking? Let alone typing! :)

Time for bed. OR more beer. Either way :) g'night :)

Isn't it great when you manage to get your friends back?

Friday, September 02, 2005


Hey! I had a lurker! And now I don't....because she's a participant observer! Everyone wave to Betsy! ~~wave~~

I had not considered the idea that I might have lurkers. Which I should have, considering the number of blogs that I lurk myself. But I didn't, and it's quite frankly a strange feeling thinking about it now. I started this thing, because I craved the anonymity that only posting personal information on the internet can provide. Then, my best friend found me...because I was too dumb to cover my tracks. Now, I'm luring in stalkers (blog-stalkers--the hopefully harmless and innocuous kind--not the evil, murderous, avenging kind). Fascinating.

Anyway. If I had something interesting to say, perhaps I could understand it better.

We had a seminar at work today, it was a course on basic supervisory skills and attributes. I'd taken it before, and it was just as basic as it was the first time around. The good thing for me that it was a repeat, is that I got to look around the room and observe how other people reacted and absorbed the information. We were a very diverse group, coming from all different ethnic, economic, and educational backgrounds. Most of the people in the room had finished high school, but had very little or no post-secondary education.

It was astonishing to me (wow, it seems to be a day that I spent wandering around in amazement) how many people didn't realize that they, as the supervisor, set the tone for the department. They weren't aware that they could control the mood, the morale, and the results of their team. I can't comprehend that someone wouldn't just innately KNOW that stuff; or, upon learning that you CAN control these things and how to do it, they wouldn't leap at the chance. It comes very naturally to me, so sometimes I have a difficult time understanding WHY other people can't do something that will make their lives easier. ***[please don't think that I am not literally understanding this, it's just that periodically I'm boggled by how differently my brain works when compared to other people in my workplace peer-group]***

I am well aware of the different skill sets of various individuals, and that everyone needs to be 'managed' differently--I KNOW in my head that some people are just not good leaders. They are good *supervisors* but not good *leaders* There is an enormous difference.

Anyway. :) The seminar was interesting, and if nothing else, thought provoking.

My car wouldn't keep going tonight when I finally decided to leave work. I don't know quite why that is. I'm hoping it's just because it was so muggy, foggy and damp out. It really doesn't like damp weather. It died, and would not allow me to drive home. Hell, it wouldn't allow me to leave the parking lot! James brought me home and then came in for tea.

It was very nice to have a little chat with him that wasn't work related, but that didn't seem to put a huge strain on our work relationship. I guess we'll find out if he can really handle being friends tomorrow when I have to give him hell because his department looks like a bomb went off. :) He's so fickle that I really can't even hazard a guess.

Amy's coming on Saturday and I'm very excited. There's nothing much going on this weekend in terms of entertainment, because Lynn is headed Camping. I'm going to have to find something for Amy and I to do. I'm thinking the Lower Deck on Sunday night would be good, and I can invite Randy and some others from the store to come. No work on Monday is a sweet deal.

I need to get groceries tomorrow so that I have something to feed Amy over the weekend. I had forgotten about this little dilemma, as there is still no Sunday Shopping in Nova Scotia. (I'm very much in favour of this, however it is quite a pain in the ass sometimes.)

Hopefully the car will be okay in the morning once it dries out. It couldn't have chosen a worse time to kick the bucket, if that is indeed what has happened. It never rains, but it pours. I'm in the straightest of financial straits at the moment--just at the point prior to things becoming dire. (which, by the way was a bizarre band back in the 80s) I definitely do NOT have the cash to be purchasing a new car, and I'm still working my ass off at paying hte existing debt, so the credit rating could use some help too. Bleh. :)

Oh well, this too shall pass. Hopefully the sun'll come out tomorrow, and you can bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow...come what may...I'll turn over a new leaf, and find a cloud with a silver lining. (Okay, I"m all tapped out with the cliche-fest. Feel free to submit your own loosely strung together can of cliche. Because I care, I really do.)

*grin* Night folks :)

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Woohoo--and yet... lots of interesting stuff of all was the email announcing that Luke has been made manager of the store in Bathurst. :)

I'm very pleased for him, incredibly so. I'm slightly envious, but just plain happy it's him and not someone else that I don't know so well.


We played the "Who do we have to kill to get a promotion" game with each other for 4 years. We have always kept each other in the loop, and had promised several years ago that we would be each other's first call should one of us be promoted first. Regardless of what happened because we dated, it had never occurred to me that this would not happen. He didn't call me and tell me. I found out like everyone else. And that hurts me waaaay more than I could ever be hurt by him dating somebody else right after we broke up.

It amazes me, actually, how little it bothers me that he's been seeing someone. I've been thinking about it a lot the last week or so, and had determined while I was on vacation that we should be at the point now where we can go back to being friends. I look at our 'relationship' as a somewhat unfortunate lapse of judgement--a good time while it lasted, but doomed from the start, and an unfortunate lapse of judgement because it had been allowed to come between a very good friendship.

Now, I'm so hurt that he didn't call me to tell me. He would have been excited, and wanted to tell someone, and felt that he couldn't call me. I don't know if he thought I would be petty, or hold a grudge, or perhaps he still holds some feelings of guilt (I think this is partly true, and I think he's partly afraid that I'd freak out about the dating business--he's basically a coward when it comes to confrontation).

I tried to call to congratulate him, because I really am very happy. I could only be happier if it was me--and I'm astonished (again!) to realize that it's a sincere emotion. He's on vacation this week, and so tonight I called his parents. I figured he'd be in PEI golfing, and I was right. His dad says he'll be back Friday. I may try again then...partly because I want my radio (which I'm certain he didn't bother to bring with him!) but mainly because I want to put this shit behind us. I want us to be friends again, like before all this stupid sex shit got in the way.

Anyway--I'm also pissed. I'm envious that *I* didn't get the store, and not because it was him, but because it wasn't me. I'm equally if not better qualifieed except for one thing. I'm missing an appendage. And I had a conversation with my current store manager (and a group of other people) today about that very thing, and how being a woman of child-bearing years was hindering my career. He completely agreed with me and indicated that it was a very real problem in our company. Doesn't make it better, but it's nice to know that I"m not imagining the bias, or blowing things out of proportion because it supports my persecution complex to believe so.

So...mixed emotions tonight, and I don't know how to explain them to anybody...and even if I can explain them, who the hell wants to listen to me vent about it for as long as I REALLY want to dwell, and analyze and harp on it? Nobody. Not even you, and you're invisible!

I can't believe how proud I am of him. And how disappointed I am that he didn't think enough of me as a friend and a person with shared history and experience to tell me himself. I'm disappointed because it means that he doesn't think I"m a big enough person to get past any perceived hurt to be sincerely happy for him. And it bothers me that I could spend that much time being someone's friend, and have them not get me. I guess that's it right there. I have somehow managed to twist his inability to understand friendship into a circumstance where I'm responsible for imagining a friendship that obviously wasn't a two-way street. It bothers me that I spent so much time and energy being a friend to someone who doesn't know how tob e a friend back--and doesn't know that I'm a biger person than to be bitter and angry for very long.

Oh well. That's my issue to own. He can't (and shouldn't) really be concerned about how I react (or overreact) to a perceived slight. Apparently he's moved on. I'll try to call him again on Friday to congratulate him. Failing that, once he gets to Bathurst, I'll call the store. I do it for everyone in the company who gets a new job--it's nothing special. But I do it on purpose to make them feel special.

When I first got promoted to Assistant Manager, 3 people I'd never met before called me to congratulate me. It made me feel very special, and I've had a soft-spot for them ever since. I like to pass that happy, warm-fuzzy feeling on to new assistants, and to new store managers. It's nice to have people (especially strangers) recognize that you've worked hard to get where you are, and to wish you luck in your new role. So I do that now too.

I had a great conversation tonight chatting with Scott V and Scott P(my manager) about all kinds of things. About career opportunities, about the direction the company is going, about ways to make things better, and about how my company promotes people who are good at thing A to roles where they are required to be good at thing B--and are surprised when the person sucks at their new job. It was very informative, nice to see other people's perspectives, and very interesting to me to see how my assesments of certain situations and circumstances fall in line with those of my peers and superiors. It was a very interesting and productive investment of my time.

So...what else? Amy's going to be here in 3 days!!! I'm so excited I could explode! I talked to my mom tonight, that was good. She offered me tuition money to take a course at school in September. I really want to do this, but I don't want to take her cash...but I may do it anyway. Although I have other, more pressing things that I could spend the $500 on...but...we shall see.

I had such a productive day at the store today, and I really felt like I got stuff accomplished. I really want to have more visually tangible things accomplished at work these days. It's important that I appear to be getting things done--even if it's superficial. It's the only way I'm going to get promoted despite my obvious lack of a penis. I get things done, but I need to appear to get more done thn I actually do. I need to find ways to look like a super-hero on a daily basis.

I already keep the staff very happy and content, and the store is much cleaner and tidier than it was when I arrived 6 months ago...but I need to find ways to be more dramatically impressive to people in power--who do not work in my same city, let alone my building. I'm open for ideas. All things considered, except sword swallowing. I'm kinda scared that I'd screw that up. But I could learn to juggle fire if you think that might work.

Off to bed, must work at 7 (only 6.5 hours away, for those of you that are mathematically challenged) [or for those of you that don't know what time it is here] {or alternately, for those of you who keep track of that sort of thing} and I was already late getting up today because I stayed up to watch bad A&E tv reruns.

If I intend to be dramatically impressive, I should probably start by being punctual. Cheerio. :)

*bounce* Amy's coming!

*Bounce-bounce* Luke got a store!

*bounce-bounce-bounce* I'm going to get one soon!!! :)