Cleaning house

Monday, September 05, 2005

Monday - Labour-free day! :)

So...great couple of days :)

Amy arrived here on Saturday night. I picked her up at the airport, we got some beer and some groceries. :) Yesterday, we went to Point Pleasant Park, wandered around a bit, and had a lovely visit. We drank far too much wine last night. It was wonderful. :)

Today, we watched a whole lot of the '24' marathon...then we went to the driving range, and wandered the waterfront for a while. We had dinner at the Thirsty Duck and came home for more '24'. We're more than slightly addicted.

So. I called Luke tonight to wish him well. I figured that tonight would be the night that the nervousness would set in. Tomorrow is the first day at his new store, and it'll be a big day in his life. I'm amazed that he's got a store, and more than a little bit jealous.

I wonder what it would be like to get everything that you've been working toward. To have your goals met, and your dreams filled, all in one fell swoop. The last time I felt even remotely close to meeting a major life goal, was just before I broke up with Ryan. Rather, before he broke up with me. Much as it suits my ego to believe otherwise, I was unceremoniously dumped in the middle of my final exams. Why do I only date selfish men?

So...anyway...back to Luke and me. We seem to be okay. I chatted like no time had passed, expressed repeatedly how happy I am for him...mentioned how jealous I am (so true!)...he said he was glad I was jealous *Grin* He seemed surprised that i was happy for him, but genuinely pleased that I was.

We chatted about a bunch of stuff, talked about softball and the tournament...and then I brought it up. I said "Do you think that you are at a point...where we can chalk up the last year or so to an unfortunate lapse in judgment and be friends again?" He said "I hope so" and sounded like he really wanted to be, but wasn't sure if *HE* was able to. Either that, or he was afraid that I was going to pull a Fatal Attraction thing on him...either way. :) I said "I don't regret it..but.." He jumped in and said "Neither do I"...I then said "But I really miss having you as my friend, and I value your friendship more than anything elese that transpired. I'd really like us to be able to get back to that." He said "I think that would be the best". So...whee :)

Then we talked about a bunch of other stuff, he VOLUNTEERED information about a wedding he went to last week, it was odd. Then we talked about how much of a raise he got, and how much opportunity there is for cash...and we chatted a bit, he got distracted by the internet, and I suggested we were done. I encouraged him to call me this week and let me know how it was going. He sunded eager and said "Yeah, I"ll do that!"...I"m not holding my breath, but...I really hope he does.

I want us to be friends again. I miss having a best friend. I miss having an office friend to gossip with.

Speaking of boss and I were having a chat the other evening. It started about a bunch of stuff, and ended up very personal. He was telling me how his first marriage ended. At one point he even said "I can't believe I'm telling you this!" but he continued. I feel very special that he feels comfortable enough to tell me this stuff. I've always loved Scott. I'd defend him to the end. I really trust his opinions, and I value his knowledge. I appreciate that he trusts me. I want to make sure that I deserve that trust.

He is someone whose opinion I value very much. I made it clear the other day that what I want is a store, not a I hope that he tells the people who can make those decisions. I hope that he helps me to become someone the company can give that responsibility.

I am on beer #3, and likely shouldn't be typing. *grin* I feel bad that I"m in here typing drunkenly and dwelling on my own life, when Amy's in the other room watching Kiefer Sutherland on tv. Did you know that Kiefer Sutherland says "New-cu-lar"? He does. Keifer, darling, it's NEW-clee-ar. Read it the way it's spelled. Freak. That's a huge pet peeve for me.

Why are all the attractive intelligent men either married, or too old? Or too young? Or too immature? Why can't the boys that like ME be the boys that I like? Why must they all be dorks? Or stupid?


Anyway. So glad Amy's here. We've had a great couple of days. But any ridiculous belief that I held out of being the great white hope is just as ludicrous as ever. If not worse. I'm such an idiot . Why do I feel that i should have all the answers? What makes me think that I'm so special and that everyone should do what I think is right? How do I intend to make everyone else's life better when I can't manage to control my own?

Luke has the career path that I always wanted. His life is all falling into place at 25. I'm 34 years old and I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up. It's bizarre. I always thought that my destiny would fall into place, despite my best efforts to fuck it up. And yet, things keep happening. I keep directing my own fate. How do I save my self from myself? I always manage to get in my own way.

Anyway. I'm still happy for Luke. I'm just so jealous that I want to cry.

And is it wrong to hope that once I *do* get my own store, we could hook up without repercussions at the manager's meetings? just some free-no-strings-attached sex? I could use some of that right now. *grin* Yikes. What am I thinking? Let alone typing! :)

Time for bed. OR more beer. Either way :) g'night :)

Isn't it great when you manage to get your friends back?


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