Woohoo--and yet...

So...got lots of interesting stuff today...best of all was the email announcing that Luke has been made manager of the store in Bathurst. :)

I'm very pleased for him, incredibly so. I'm slightly envious, but just plain happy it's him and not someone else that I don't know so well.

But.

We played the "Who do we have to kill to get a promotion" game with each other for 4 years. We have always kept each other in the loop, and had promised several years ago that we would be each other's first call should one of us be promoted first. Regardless of what happened because we dated, it had never occurred to me that this would not happen. He didn't call me and tell me. I found out like everyone else. And that hurts me waaaay more than I could ever be hurt by him dating somebody else right after we broke up.

It amazes me, actually, how little it bothers me that he's been seeing someone. I've been thinking about it a lot the last week or so, and had determined while I was on vacation that we should be at the point now where we can go back to being friends. I look at our 'relationship' as a somewhat unfortunate lapse of judgement--a good time while it lasted, but doomed from the start, and an unfortunate lapse of judgement because it had been allowed to come between a very good friendship.

Now, I'm so hurt that he didn't call me to tell me. He would have been excited, and wanted to tell someone, and felt that he couldn't call me. I don't know if he thought I would be petty, or hold a grudge, or perhaps he still holds some feelings of guilt (I think this is partly true, and I think he's partly afraid that I'd freak out about the dating business--he's basically a coward when it comes to confrontation).

I tried to call to congratulate him, because I really am very happy. I could only be happier if it was me--and I'm astonished (again!) to realize that it's a sincere emotion. He's on vacation this week, and so tonight I called his parents. I figured he'd be in PEI golfing, and I was right. His dad says he'll be back Friday. I may try again then...partly because I want my radio (which I'm certain he didn't bother to bring with him!) but mainly because I want to put this shit behind us. I want us to be friends again, like before all this stupid sex shit got in the way.

Anyway--I'm also pissed. I'm envious that *I* didn't get the store, and not because it was him, but because it wasn't me. I'm equally if not better qualifieed except for one thing. I'm missing an appendage. And I had a conversation with my current store manager (and a group of other people) today about that very thing, and how being a woman of child-bearing years was hindering my career. He completely agreed with me and indicated that it was a very real problem in our company. Doesn't make it better, but it's nice to know that I"m not imagining the bias, or blowing things out of proportion because it supports my persecution complex to believe so.

So...mixed emotions tonight, and I don't know how to explain them to anybody...and even if I can explain them, who the hell wants to listen to me vent about it for as long as I REALLY want to dwell, and analyze and harp on it? Nobody. Not even you, and you're invisible!

I can't believe how proud I am of him. And how disappointed I am that he didn't think enough of me as a friend and a person with shared history and experience to tell me himself. I'm disappointed because it means that he doesn't think I"m a big enough person to get past any perceived hurt to be sincerely happy for him. And it bothers me that I could spend that much time being someone's friend, and have them not get me. I guess that's it right there. I have somehow managed to twist his inability to understand friendship into a circumstance where I'm responsible for imagining a friendship that obviously wasn't a two-way street. It bothers me that I spent so much time and energy being a friend to someone who doesn't know how tob e a friend back--and doesn't know that I'm a biger person than to be bitter and angry for very long.

Oh well. That's my issue to own. He can't (and shouldn't) really be concerned about how I react (or overreact) to a perceived slight. Apparently he's moved on. I'll try to call him again on Friday to congratulate him. Failing that, once he gets to Bathurst, I'll call the store. I do it for everyone in the company who gets a new job--it's nothing special. But I do it on purpose to make them feel special.

When I first got promoted to Assistant Manager, 3 people I'd never met before called me to congratulate me. It made me feel very special, and I've had a soft-spot for them ever since. I like to pass that happy, warm-fuzzy feeling on to new assistants, and to new store managers. It's nice to have people (especially strangers) recognize that you've worked hard to get where you are, and to wish you luck in your new role. So I do that now too.

I had a great conversation tonight chatting with Scott V and Scott P(my manager) about all kinds of things. About career opportunities, about the direction the company is going, about ways to make things better, and about how my company promotes people who are good at thing A to roles where they are required to be good at thing B--and are surprised when the person sucks at their new job. It was very informative, nice to see other people's perspectives, and very interesting to me to see how my assesments of certain situations and circumstances fall in line with those of my peers and superiors. It was a very interesting and productive investment of my time.

So...what else? Amy's going to be here in 3 days!!! I'm so excited I could explode! I talked to my mom tonight, that was good. She offered me tuition money to take a course at school in September. I really want to do this, but I don't want to take her cash...but I may do it anyway. Although I have other, more pressing things that I could spend the $500 on...but...we shall see.

I had such a productive day at the store today, and I really felt like I got stuff accomplished. I really want to have more visually tangible things accomplished at work these days. It's important that I appear to be getting things done--even if it's superficial. It's the only way I'm going to get promoted despite my obvious lack of a penis. I get things done, but I need to appear to get more done thn I actually do. I need to find ways to look like a super-hero on a daily basis.

I already keep the staff very happy and content, and the store is much cleaner and tidier than it was when I arrived 6 months ago...but I need to find ways to be more dramatically impressive to people in power--who do not work in my same city, let alone my building. I'm open for ideas. All things considered, except sword swallowing. I'm kinda scared that I'd screw that up. But I could learn to juggle fire if you think that might work.

Off to bed, must work at 7 (only 6.5 hours away, for those of you that are mathematically challenged) [or for those of you that don't know what time it is here] {or alternately, for those of you who keep track of that sort of thing} and I was already late getting up today because I stayed up to watch bad A&E tv reruns.

If I intend to be dramatically impressive, I should probably start by being punctual. Cheerio. :)

*bounce* Amy's coming!

*Bounce-bounce* Luke got a store!

*bounce-bounce-bounce* I'm going to get one soon!!! :)