Cleaning house

Monday, December 31, 2007

Storm Watch 2007

Well...snow. Snow, snow, snow, and more snow.

This means no trek to Halifax for me tonight. Booo.

I'm headed over to Caileen's to drink some beer and possibly crash a party up the street. Failing that, watch Hairspray and eat until we explode. Beats hanging out alone.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to wish a Bliadhna Mhath ur dhuibh uile. :)

(Annse Beurla: Happy New Year everyone!)

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...I accidentally shut my computer off as I was moving into the bedroom to get ready to head to bed. I fully intended to blog before sleep, but I was definitely going to bed...I'm completely knackered.

I went to the trouble of turning the computer back ON--which is a hassle, as the laptop has been taking an outrageously long time to boot up these days.*

*note to self: take computer in to have drive cleaned up and de-bugged.

So I turned on the computer, fully intending to blog immediately, then head straight to sleep. I have a long day tomorrow, and just realized I have to be at work EARLY instead of getting to sleep in late as I had originally thought.

Then, for reasons unbeknownst to me, I got sucked into game after game of Spider Solitaire. I checked my e-mail, again. (I didn't have any.) I looked at my MSN contacts. I managed to NOT log into Facebook to see who was around, but it was tough.

And yet, I did not blog. *boggle*

Today I unpacked some boxes--not as many as I should have, but some. I shovelled snow for an hour or so, tidying up the drive and the path to the mailbox/oil tank. I swept out the garage. I did a load of laundry. I washed a pen. It leaked. I re-washed a load of laundry. The second time, it was only the pretty yellow shirt I got at Frenchy's a couple of weeks ago.*

*Miraculously, it was the only casualty in the pen-washing incident. And although the shirt was pretty, it was purchased for the sole purpose of wearing while painting. So really, even if it's wrecked, it's no great loss.

I see by my list that I was quite productive today, even though I didn't feel like I was particularly so.

I played Scrabulous tonight on the Crackbook, and I chatted with Billy a bit about tomorrow night.

We're expecting an insane storm tomorrow/tomorrow night so I may have to revise my plans to include NOT driving to Halifax. That makes me VERY sad, as I was looking forward to spending a fun-tastic evening drinking, dancing, celebrating, and breaking up. Oh well...we shall see what transpires. I just don't want to spend my New Year's Eve sitting on my living room floor (or sofa!!!) surrounded by boxes, drinking alone and hoping somebody's on MSN that I can wish a Happy New Year to. It's how I spent last year (sans boxes) and I have no desire to do so again any time soon.

I have a feeling we'll either end up at the ceilidh at Your Father's Moustache, or at O'Carroll's. If we disagree early enough in the evening, I'll head to Beeler's for a party and just crash there for the evening. Either way, it should be fun. I'm a good time! :-) (I hate smileys with noses, but if you don't use a nose, then it comes out as a capital J when you enter your suck up the noses!)

All my favourite blogs (238 at last Bloglines count) except a couple of you marvelous folks on my blogroll are doing introspective 'best of 2007' 'goals for 2008' posts. Quite frankly, I can't be arsed.*

I've done so much introspection and thinking over the last month or so, perhaps on Tuesday I'll fill you in on some of it. It's not even all negative! :-) Go me!

I hope you all have a FANTASTIC New Year's Eve--and that none of you are too hindered by the threat of a storm. Go forth, look fabulous, drink fantastic drinks, and have a good time. And if not, at the very least consider that there are others out there that don't look nearly as fabulous as you, so you can at least cling to that! (Hey, it's a good night for being shallow--embrace it!)

*What's with all the british-isms tonight? Who do I think I am--Dame Edna?**

**Yes, I know Dame Edna is Australian.

*** (yes, i know there was no corresponding asterisk up above, again with the sucking it up!) When I just did a spell-check, I found that Blogger doesn't have an issue with the word "ceilidh"--but it doesn't recognize "blogroll". What the heck?

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Sunday, December 30, 2007

Guess who... surrounded by box upon box of glorious stuff?!?!


That's who.

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Friday, December 28, 2007

Home again?

Well, here I am, back in Amherst again. I got back two evenings ago, and walked into my house--fully expecting it to be full of my stuff.

"Oh no!" I thought, "I've been robbed!" Except that my stuff hadn't even showed up yet, so it wasn't really 'robbed' so much as 'still have no f'ing stuff'.

The movers decided to pick up my stuff on the date that i had given them as a deadline for delivery. When I called the moving company yesterday to say 'hey, i expected my stuff to be oh...I don't know...MOVED by the 27th?' they replied with 'yeah, so did I'. "I don't think you quite understand." I stated. "When can I expect my stuff to be IN MY HOUSE?" "How's Saturday?" "Well, it's not fucking today -- now, is it?" Okay, so I didn't swear at him. But I was clearly not happy. Poor fellow. I used up all my patience on the last two knobs.

Christmas home was great. I had a lovely time. I did absolutely nothing but sit at the table and read. Christmas eve I went to dinner with two old friends from high-school and their families...that was lovely.

So much to tell, and yet, so little...

I've been gone forever, it seems. I suck, I know. But dial-up at home blows chunks.

So...part of the reason Thursday (last post) was so shit-tastic, was that while i was dreading having to go in and have a sit-down with my office manager to find out why she was being such a bag, she was calling our VP Operations to tell him I'm a grade-A cunt and that she was quitting.

Alas, my DM talked her out of it. Which meant I still got to go on vacation, but means that i'm stuck with the Cunty-Old-Bag (COB) indefinitely. AND that I will be stuck with her until I can make her quit again.

She's been actively subversive ever since I got here, and I've been trying to nip that shit in the bud. I've made a point of going to her and asking if I can help her with anything, if there's anything I am not doing that Tom used to do for her, if there's anything I can do better to help her with her job. I've been getting 'not really, everything's fine' as a reply. Except that she's been making a list of things that she feels I'm not doing up to her standard, and using them to try and get me in trouble with the DM instead. If I ASK YOU if I can do better, an it's your job to assist me? Fucking help me, don't hang me out to dry.

Anyway. It's a really pleasant work environment. Not that it was all that shit-hot to start with...but that made it really pleasant coming back from vacation.

The wedding...the wedding was a hoot. The rehearsal party was Thursday night, and as I had to close the store we knew we couldn't make it. I didn't work on Friday, and drove down to Halifax. Billy worked until 4:30, so we headed for Lunenburg pretty late--I think we left around 8:30.

When we got to L'burg, we checked into the hotel and went to a couple of Room parties taking place. We were staying in the 'Boy' hotel--Trace and the maids were at the other one. It was a blast.

Saturday was errands and churching. I looked fabu, if I say so myself. And I do. I did my reading, which I got at 10 pm the night before. It was a poem of questionable quality but ringing with sentiment, and it went quite well.

The party was a hoot. I LOVE Cape Bretoners. I need to find me one to marry so I can have my own CB Wedding. It's a good time. Too much booze, but a good time.

I was exhausted when we got back to the hotel, but Billy invited everyone into our room for the after-party--so around 4:30 am I finally went to bed.

Good time. Joey stayed with us, and drove back to Halifax with us. She realized why Billy's so much fun. Which is nice. (Even though now *I* think he's a douche.) He IS fun.

Snow storm all the way back to the 'Fax on Sunday...I spent the night in Hali, which was not all it was cracked up to be.

I had to go back into the store for a while on Monday, which was unpleasant, as I had to deal with the COB. She acted as though nothing had happened, and she even went so far as to leave a Christmas card on my desk. Passive-aggressive old hag. Anyway. :)

I had told them I was flying out on Monday, and not Tuesday, because otherwise I'd have never gotten to take all of my vacation. As it is, I'm losing a day already. Oh well.

I flew home on Tuesday--which was good. Talked to Billy online on Wednesday and I believe Thursday...then not again until last night. So yeah, you can see where this is headed, can't you, Boys and Girls?

It took me about 4 days to stop being pissy and stressed about work, and then the night before I had to come back, I didn't sleep a wink. The night before, i tossed and turned all night, so didn't rest much then either. Anxiety blows.

Coming home to my empty house took the cake. And then my 14 hour day yesterday was good too. I should be putting in another 14 hour day today, but I'm here blogging and avoiding getting out of my cot and jammies. I don't wanna.

On the positive side: (and it was a mainly positive vacation!) I got a beautiful new digital camera. I made some decisions about my life while I was home (i'll fill you in later), and I've got some big stuff to plan for this year.

Billy and I are doing something (don't know what yet) for New Year's eve, and then I think you won't be seeing much more from that quarter in these pages. I need to take back my life and my poor, battered self-esteem. I need to be loved in a way that makes me feel good about myself and my relationship--not one that makes me wonder and wish and grasp at straws. So. Yeah.

Anyway--you're mostly up to date. I have to go shower and haul my self in to work.

Hope you all had a fantastic Christmas, and a good boxing day too. :)

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Friday, December 14, 2007

Yesterday was a day of such intense shitocity that I don't believe there's EVER been a day to equal it in the history of me. I don't dare say that it's the shittiest day I'll ever have, because I'll have to come back from vacation at some point....and I'm sure there will be more.

Today...I still have no stuff. I'm about to leave for Halifax, where I'll meet up with Billy, then head to Lunenburg for some festing. Hopefully they'll have a copy of the reading for me to peruse.

Tomorrow, the wedding. The wedding fest. The dancing. The drinking. Hopefully, the fun and the happy and the getting along.

Monday, back here to 'mherst to wrap up some work stuff. Then fly out home on Tuesday, should all go according to plan.

Which it never does. :)

But for now, I'm going to let it go, and hope for a great weekend. I can do this, if I enjoy it in bite-sized chunks.

Happy weekend folks--updates will (hopefully!) be sparse until Monday. Hopefully Monday, they'll be cheerful! :)

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Thursday, December 13, 2007

Completely overwhelmed.

I am right now.

I have one day left at work before I go on vacation, and about 8 days worth of stuff that HAS to be complete before I leave. I have a 4.5 hour seminar that I am being forced to attend this afternoon. I also have a visit from my DM this morning at work (I'm not scheduled until noon, but will be in at 10 anyway) where I am going to be chewed out for several things, some of which are my fault, some of which are not.

I have been arguing and negotiating and wheedling with movers for two days, and today/tomorrow MAY be the days that my stuff is finally picked up.

Tomorrow, I have to drive to Lunenburg for the wedding. The rehearsal is tonight, so I'm going to actually miss that part. Which is okay, considering I still have NO IDEA what it is that I'm supposed to be reading during the ceremony.

I don't have time to be blogging, but at least this way I now have a list of some of the crap I need to get done.

Oh well. This too shall pass. Or I'll be unemployed or something.

Talk to you later. When I'm on vacation.

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Monday, December 10, 2007

g'morning. :)

It's been a long weekend. Lots to tell.

For the record, both the oven-timer and my boss came through on Saturday morning. Scott called, and a bout 5 minutes later the timer went off. I wouldn't use the timer as a regular thing, but in a's good to know it works. I am also a ridiculously light sleeper if there are sounds that don't belong, so that is definitely a factor.

Saturday was a long day at work. I had a revolving door on my office for people to come in and complain about how they are having issues with the yard supervisor. Growing pains are hard for everyone. Anyway.

I got home from work and made some supper. I didn't want to go to the bachelorette party in Halifax because a) i hate them, b) it was 2 hours away, and c) i was feeling sorry for myself and didn't want to do much of anything. So I frigged around for a while, and didn't actually end up leaving here until after 9:00. I arrived at 11:30 when I intended to be there by 9:30. Oh well.

It turned out to be a riot. I wasn't going to drink very much because of how I've been feeling lately--didn't think more depressants were really such a good idea. But yeah, that kinda went out the window. It wasn't bad at all until about 5:30 am. I was standing talking with Alicia in the kitchen, and she was asking me questions about being here, and the job, and how she didn't think she could move away because she'd be lonely. So then I kinda lost it. Poor girl. Oh well. :)

We went to bed around 6:30 am, and was up and moving by 9:15. Exhausting. At 11:00 we went to Tracey's to pick up my cape and say hi to her mom. Then I drove one of the other girls home, and headed on out to Amherst. I got here just after 2:30, which was LATE.

I had to pick up the food trays for our staff party, cook the hors d'oeuvres, shower, go buy gift cards for everyone, and get it all to the bowling alley for 4. I was only 15 minutes late, so I figure I did okay.

Everyone seemed to have a good time at bowling, and we had a really decent turnout, so I was pleased.

I came home after and just sat for an hour or so. I was beat. I wanted to go to bed at 6:30, but I'd promised to go and see a play that one of the guys from work is in. It's the Annual Christmas Spectacular Extravaganza! It was a riot. I am so glad that I went, even though I was exhausted.

I managed to stay awake until 11:30 pm, although I'm not exactly sure why I did it! I slept through right until 8:15, and now I'm lying here in bed avoiding getting up. I HAVE to get up, because it's 9:20, and I have to work at 10. I still need to shower and get dressed, so there's things to do.

That's the update. Fascinating, no? Yep...I know you keep coming back for the scintillating, edge-of-your-seat excitement. Freaks. *grin*

Have a happy Monday!

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Saturday, December 08, 2007


Brave or stupid? I'm not quite sure.

I forgot my cell phone at work tonight. Not such a big deal, in the greater scheme of things. Except that I still have no stuff....and while sleeping on a cot for the last 3 weeks has been okay, and having only a barstool and some new china for company in the evenings isn't so terrible, (I still have YOU!) the whole 'not having an alarm clock and having to use my cell phone to tell me when to get up every day' thing is wearing a little thin.

Particularly tonight. When I'm wiped. And it's -14* outside. And I don't have my cell phone because I was dumb and left it at work. And I don't want to go and get it. old boss is going in to work in the morning, so he offered to call me when he gets there. Which is good...except I'm scared he'll forget, or something will happen and he won't be able to.

I REAAAAAALLLY don't want to go outside in the cold--I want to go to sleep. So I did what any self-respecting lazy-arsed bugger would do...I set the oven timer.

Is that really so wrong?

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Friday, December 07, 2007

This one is not for the faint of heart.

Looking back at the last couple of months of posts (took me about 3 minutes, they've been so sparse!) I realize that this funk of mine has lasted a lot longer than I thought. I'm not used to not being little Suzy Sunshine, so it's been hard for me to acknowledge.

I didn't go to work yesterday morning. I wasn't sick, although I said I was. I haven't taken a sick day in the 9+ years I've worked for this company, and yesterday there was just not enough money in the world to get me to haul my ass in to the store. I am not well.

I took a mental health morning, but then did not do anything to improve my mental health--except not go to work. And then I even felt bad about it, because my office manager called me 3 times to make sure I was okay. Which was a really sweet thing to do, but all I could focus on was how annoying it was that she just wouldn't leave me the fuck alone.

I thought it was just this place that was getting to me. The not having any furniture (there's a confession here somewhere about that. Maybe I'll get to it later). The not having any friends. The having a wanker boyfriend who hasn't even bothered to pretend he's interested in seeing my new house. The feeling of being stuck someplace for the first time ever.

I love this house. I know that I can be happy in this house, eventually. But I wanted somebody else to love this house too. I wanted somebody else to at least give a crap about my new space. And by extension, show that he gives a crap about me.

I know he's got his own issues. I can make excuses for him better than anybody on earth--you've read lots of them, and you don't even get the 'ready for prime time' versions. I can't deal with his depression, or his selfishness anymore. Because I have my own to worry about.

I am not feeling well.

I'm usually a very happy, cheery person. I love meeting new people.

Lately, I have not been happy at all. I haven't been enjoying my job. I haven't been enjoying the challenge of a new job--partly, I think, because my heart isn't in it. I wish I was somewhere else--and I've never had that be part of the problem when I start a new job before. Even when I moved to Miramichi, and Kzelly was still in Halifax, it was a fun and exciting challenge. I was psyched about the new job, and doing well, and impressing the hell out of the powers that be. I wasn't committed to a life at that point.

The one truly positive thing that being with Billy has done for me in the last year, is to teach me that it's okay to admit out loud that you really want a family. To look deep inside and realize that my job is NOT enough to make me happy forever. That it's okay to want a strong, loving, demonstrative relationship (I miss those) and then to want to grow that relationship to include other little people--so much love, that you need more than 2 people to contain it all!

I've had that kind of relationship--where it was okay to just reach out and touch someone, and to have them do the same. Where I KNEW, all the time, how much he cared for me and about me. Where I was always made to feel attractive, and smart, and special.

I want that again.

Billy and I have bouts of it. But his depression gets in the way. And lately? Mine has too. It's been a hard thing for me to realize, that I'm just not as well as I should be. I know most of it is situational, but I think it's more than that. I think I need to see somebody about it.

Monday night I drove through a monster snow-storm to go to Halifax. I just really wanted to be there. I really was aching to see him, and to be held. Things are so much better when I can deal with them face to face. We had an amazing evening. We hung out, and played, and laughed. He was his FUN self. He was talkative with me. We just watched some TV, and then Napoleon Dynamite (I'd never seen it before), and hung out. It was good.

Tuesday, I hung out all day. I did some errands. I picked up my necklace from the repair shop. I went to the NSCAD Textiles show and looked at 'art'. I bought a chicken from Sobey's, and made us some real dinner. It was good.

He was in a bit of a mood when he came home...we didn't kiss. He didn't say thank-you for supper. We went to Gaelic class, and it was fun. I wasn't nearly as far behind as I expected to be, considering it's the first one I've been to all year long. (I went on Wednesday night online as well.) After Gaelic, a bunch of us went for a drink at the Lion's Head.

Amanda, Kenneth, Shay, Billy and I just sat and chatted. Well, mostly us girls chatted, and Kenneth a bit. Billy a bit too. But it seemed (to me--and I know I'm overly sensitive about this) that he was talking to everyone but me.

We were driving home in the car, and it was cooooold out. We talked a very little bit at the beginning of the drive--it was okay. He was sitting on his hand. I reached over to hold it. He did, for about 10 seconds, then reached over to change gears. And cold as it was, he never took his hand from the gear shift all the way home. I left my hand tucked under his leg. Not because it was comfortable, but because I wanted him to know I wanted to be closer.

We got home and went inside. He had a cigarette. Inside. I went into the bathroom and stood there with the door shut and the fan going. He was checking his facebook when I went into the bathroom. When I came out, I started to get ready for bed. He went into the bathroom. I went over to check my email, but the computer was turned off. Not a big deal, just not terribly considerate.

Anyway...we went to bed. I snuggled. He snuggled. It was good. I made a point, as I usually do, of telling him how attractive I think he is. How much I enjoy being with him. I told him about the time when he was fixing my car, and how sexy I thought that was. He was embarrassed, but I could tell that he was pleased. We had some really amazing sex. And then...nothing.

I snuggled in. I wanted to feel close to him. I NEEDED to feel close to him. He held me. I asked him 'do you think I'm pretty?' I know better than to ask questions like this. I don't do it very often. If I do, it's because I NEED to hear it. This boy has really wreaked havoc on my otherwise stellar self-esteem. I know that strangers think I'm cute, but it's really only his opinion that matters to me and I never know that that opinion is. So I asked him. And got 'Mm-hmm.'

I said 'oh'.

I said 'I'm sorry if I've been grumpy lately. I just miss you a lot.'

'I really miss you too.'

'I love you so much.'


He kissed the top of my head and said nothing.





'Wow. You don't love me anymore.'

'Shh, go to sleep.' He kissed me on the head again and patted me quiet.

'No, seriously. I need to hear it. I can deal with it if it's true, but my imagination is far worse than knowing what you actually think. Do you love me?'


'I don't know.'





'Well. I guess that explains why you've been such an ass to me for the last 2 months.'

'I haven't been. --have I?'

'yeah, you kinda have. I've wanted nothing more than for you to come see my house. Not because I care so much about you seeing my house, but because I want you to want to see it because it's important to me. And honestly? It's not even that the house is important. It's that I want to feel like you actually WANT to see ME.

I'm tired of being asked by no less than 15 people every single Monday if you came up to see me this weekend and what you thought of the house. It makes me sad every single time.'


He kissed the top of my head and snuggled me. And said 'go to sleep'.

So I tried.

Wednesday morning, I got up early to head to work. I had a 2 hour drive ahead of me. We hugged. We smooched. We hugged forever.

I don't know what's going to happen. We have to make it through the wedding next weekend though. After that? Who knows. He's moving to Edmonton in February, and I know he's been actively working at detaching himself from things and people already. I know that I'm one of those people. I told Tracey last week that I was almost looking forward to February, because at least then there wouldn't be any expectations. But it makes me very sad. And on top of all the other sad I have going on, it's almost too much to bear.

And I'm one tough little it's killing me to write all this down. But if I don't write it down, I think I may just self-combust.

Anyway. That's a lot for one post. I likely should have split it up, but once I started, I couldn't stop.

I have to go shower now for my J-O-B and then hit the road. I should have eaten something, but really? Text therapy has been much more beneficial.

I need to get myself back to the gym--I think some regular exercise would definitely help me out right now. But I go on vacation next Friday and am not back until after Christmas--so now's likely not the best time to join the gym. Oh well. :)

Later, poppets. And don't fret, I know it's not really all that bad in the greater scheme of things. Happy Friday. :)

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Thursday, December 06, 2007

Dating tips.

Here's a couple of dating tips for the gentlemen out there.

1) If your lady-friend has to use her words and ask you "Do you think I'm pretty?" it means that you are not giving her the impression that you actually do find her attractive. Nobody likes asking something like that.

2) The correct response to the question is most decidedly NOT "Uh-hunh".

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Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Pay It Forward...

You all know that I'm more than a little bit pokey--but this is a fantastic idea that I discovered over at Pinch My Salt. I have stolen her words verbatim--because she did such a lovely job explaining it all. :)

Now--who wants to play?

I am participating in Pay it Forward - The Blog Edition. Here’s how it works: I will send handmade gifts to the first three people who leave a comment and tell me they are interested in playing. In order to play, you must have your own blog (doesn’t have to be a food blog) and you must continue to ‘pay it forward’ by promising the same thing to your readers.

Now, as far as the handmade gifts go, I don’t know yet what they will be. I also don’t know when I’ll get them sent. You may not receive the gift tomorrow or next week, but I do promise that it will get to you within the next 365 days! Sound good? I think it sounds great!

Remember, I will be choosing the first three people who respond by leaving a comment on this blog post. The requirements are that you have your own blog and are willing to send out three of your own homemade gifts (whatever you want to make, no rules or limitations here).

I am willing to ship my gifts anywhere in the world, so everyone is eligible to participate regardless of what country you are blogging from! Just please make sure you leave a valid e-mail address so I can contact you for shipping information.


p.s. even if you don't want to participate in the Pay It Forward gift exchange, drop me a line with your snail-mail addy and I'll send you a holiday card. I'm a stationery whore with a monster card collection--I don't generally get around to sending them out in RL, so I may as well send them to my virtual friends! :) Leave your info in the comments, or to the email addy posted in the sidebar. :)

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Being far away...

This...pretty much sums it up.

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