Cleaning house

Friday, December 07, 2007

This one is not for the faint of heart.

Looking back at the last couple of months of posts (took me about 3 minutes, they've been so sparse!) I realize that this funk of mine has lasted a lot longer than I thought. I'm not used to not being little Suzy Sunshine, so it's been hard for me to acknowledge.

I didn't go to work yesterday morning. I wasn't sick, although I said I was. I haven't taken a sick day in the 9+ years I've worked for this company, and yesterday there was just not enough money in the world to get me to haul my ass in to the store. I am not well.

I took a mental health morning, but then did not do anything to improve my mental health--except not go to work. And then I even felt bad about it, because my office manager called me 3 times to make sure I was okay. Which was a really sweet thing to do, but all I could focus on was how annoying it was that she just wouldn't leave me the fuck alone.

I thought it was just this place that was getting to me. The not having any furniture (there's a confession here somewhere about that. Maybe I'll get to it later). The not having any friends. The having a wanker boyfriend who hasn't even bothered to pretend he's interested in seeing my new house. The feeling of being stuck someplace for the first time ever.

I love this house. I know that I can be happy in this house, eventually. But I wanted somebody else to love this house too. I wanted somebody else to at least give a crap about my new space. And by extension, show that he gives a crap about me.

I know he's got his own issues. I can make excuses for him better than anybody on earth--you've read lots of them, and you don't even get the 'ready for prime time' versions. I can't deal with his depression, or his selfishness anymore. Because I have my own to worry about.

I am not feeling well.

I'm usually a very happy, cheery person. I love meeting new people.

Lately, I have not been happy at all. I haven't been enjoying my job. I haven't been enjoying the challenge of a new job--partly, I think, because my heart isn't in it. I wish I was somewhere else--and I've never had that be part of the problem when I start a new job before. Even when I moved to Miramichi, and Kzelly was still in Halifax, it was a fun and exciting challenge. I was psyched about the new job, and doing well, and impressing the hell out of the powers that be. I wasn't committed to a life at that point.

The one truly positive thing that being with Billy has done for me in the last year, is to teach me that it's okay to admit out loud that you really want a family. To look deep inside and realize that my job is NOT enough to make me happy forever. That it's okay to want a strong, loving, demonstrative relationship (I miss those) and then to want to grow that relationship to include other little people--so much love, that you need more than 2 people to contain it all!

I've had that kind of relationship--where it was okay to just reach out and touch someone, and to have them do the same. Where I KNEW, all the time, how much he cared for me and about me. Where I was always made to feel attractive, and smart, and special.

I want that again.

Billy and I have bouts of it. But his depression gets in the way. And lately? Mine has too. It's been a hard thing for me to realize, that I'm just not as well as I should be. I know most of it is situational, but I think it's more than that. I think I need to see somebody about it.

Monday night I drove through a monster snow-storm to go to Halifax. I just really wanted to be there. I really was aching to see him, and to be held. Things are so much better when I can deal with them face to face. We had an amazing evening. We hung out, and played, and laughed. He was his FUN self. He was talkative with me. We just watched some TV, and then Napoleon Dynamite (I'd never seen it before), and hung out. It was good.

Tuesday, I hung out all day. I did some errands. I picked up my necklace from the repair shop. I went to the NSCAD Textiles show and looked at 'art'. I bought a chicken from Sobey's, and made us some real dinner. It was good.

He was in a bit of a mood when he came home...we didn't kiss. He didn't say thank-you for supper. We went to Gaelic class, and it was fun. I wasn't nearly as far behind as I expected to be, considering it's the first one I've been to all year long. (I went on Wednesday night online as well.) After Gaelic, a bunch of us went for a drink at the Lion's Head.

Amanda, Kenneth, Shay, Billy and I just sat and chatted. Well, mostly us girls chatted, and Kenneth a bit. Billy a bit too. But it seemed (to me--and I know I'm overly sensitive about this) that he was talking to everyone but me.

We were driving home in the car, and it was cooooold out. We talked a very little bit at the beginning of the drive--it was okay. He was sitting on his hand. I reached over to hold it. He did, for about 10 seconds, then reached over to change gears. And cold as it was, he never took his hand from the gear shift all the way home. I left my hand tucked under his leg. Not because it was comfortable, but because I wanted him to know I wanted to be closer.

We got home and went inside. He had a cigarette. Inside. I went into the bathroom and stood there with the door shut and the fan going. He was checking his facebook when I went into the bathroom. When I came out, I started to get ready for bed. He went into the bathroom. I went over to check my email, but the computer was turned off. Not a big deal, just not terribly considerate.

Anyway...we went to bed. I snuggled. He snuggled. It was good. I made a point, as I usually do, of telling him how attractive I think he is. How much I enjoy being with him. I told him about the time when he was fixing my car, and how sexy I thought that was. He was embarrassed, but I could tell that he was pleased. We had some really amazing sex. And then...nothing.

I snuggled in. I wanted to feel close to him. I NEEDED to feel close to him. He held me. I asked him 'do you think I'm pretty?' I know better than to ask questions like this. I don't do it very often. If I do, it's because I NEED to hear it. This boy has really wreaked havoc on my otherwise stellar self-esteem. I know that strangers think I'm cute, but it's really only his opinion that matters to me and I never know that that opinion is. So I asked him. And got 'Mm-hmm.'

I said 'oh'.

I said 'I'm sorry if I've been grumpy lately. I just miss you a lot.'

'I really miss you too.'

'I love you so much.'

...

He kissed the top of my head and said nothing.

...

...

...

...

'Wow. You don't love me anymore.'

'Shh, go to sleep.' He kissed me on the head again and patted me quiet.

'No, seriously. I need to hear it. I can deal with it if it's true, but my imagination is far worse than knowing what you actually think. Do you love me?'

...

'I don't know.'

...

'oh.'

...

...

'Well. I guess that explains why you've been such an ass to me for the last 2 months.'

'I haven't been. --have I?'

'yeah, you kinda have. I've wanted nothing more than for you to come see my house. Not because I care so much about you seeing my house, but because I want you to want to see it because it's important to me. And honestly? It's not even that the house is important. It's that I want to feel like you actually WANT to see ME.

I'm tired of being asked by no less than 15 people every single Monday if you came up to see me this weekend and what you thought of the house. It makes me sad every single time.'

'Oh.'

He kissed the top of my head and snuggled me. And said 'go to sleep'.

So I tried.

Wednesday morning, I got up early to head to work. I had a 2 hour drive ahead of me. We hugged. We smooched. We hugged forever.

I don't know what's going to happen. We have to make it through the wedding next weekend though. After that? Who knows. He's moving to Edmonton in February, and I know he's been actively working at detaching himself from things and people already. I know that I'm one of those people. I told Tracey last week that I was almost looking forward to February, because at least then there wouldn't be any expectations. But it makes me very sad. And on top of all the other sad I have going on, it's almost too much to bear.

And I'm one tough little bastard...so it's killing me to write all this down. But if I don't write it down, I think I may just self-combust.

Anyway. That's a lot for one post. I likely should have split it up, but once I started, I couldn't stop.

I have to go shower now for my J-O-B and then hit the road. I should have eaten something, but really? Text therapy has been much more beneficial.

I need to get myself back to the gym--I think some regular exercise would definitely help me out right now. But I go on vacation next Friday and am not back until after Christmas--so now's likely not the best time to join the gym. Oh well. :)

Later, poppets. And don't fret, I know it's not really all that bad in the greater scheme of things. Happy Friday. :)

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4 Comments:

  • There's not a thing that helps me deal with mood swings and depression better than exercise - it restores perspective instantly, it seems. So get your arse in the gym or buy some runners and hit the road. I'm sure it will help.

    Hell, even GPs over here are recommending exercise before medication in cases of mild depression or anxiety now, so it MUST be true. Mustn't it?

    By Blogger badgerdaddy, At Fri Dec 07, 07:44:00 pm  

  • I usually go for the chocolate approach.
    Sorry things have been so hard *BIG HUGS*

    By Blogger Princess of the Universe, At Sat Dec 08, 12:43:00 pm  

  • Wow. Captain Insensitivity rides again.

    Things just haven't been working well for you in just about every department. A drasic life change (not that you haven't had plenty of those already) might do it. Yeah, you've moved, to someplace probably not that much different from where you were. You've got a new job, doing what you did before, just somewhere else, right? You have a new, but empty, house.

    Worry less about things would be my advice. Eat some chocolate (as per the prescription of Dr. Princess) and go run all that excess sugar off. When you come back from holidays, don't just join a gym, get involved ina sport. I'm a big Taekwondo fan because I get to hit things and people (though I do have a bit of an issue with hitting people hard, and some people I have really trouble hitting at all, right Random?). I have a preferance for TKD, but any contact sport should do :D

    By Blogger Arthur Dent, At Sat Dec 08, 06:55:00 pm  

  • "Shhh. Go to sleep."

    *hugs* come visit me when you're home. we'll have some wine and talk about our lives.

    By Blogger chRistine, At Sun Dec 09, 11:02:00 pm  

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