Cleaning house

Monday, November 19, 2007

In a funk.

So...this has been the worst two months of my life. Most intense with work, most stressful, most confusing with regards to my career, loneliest, and just all around most fucked up couple of months I've ever had.

Work has finally started to settle down. Inventory is over. I had my first Royal Visit on Friday, and it was Good. It was Good.

So I had last weekend off...and this one too. Billy spent them both in Antigonish working on his car. I understand that the car needs work in order to pass its safety inspection by the end of the month...but it doesn't make me feel any less shunned.

I drove to Halifax yesterday afternoon. Nobody was around to go out with, so I ended up not making any fancy plans.

Steven is finally home from his convalescence in Port-aux-Basques. He had heart surgery last month, and then went to his parents' house to recover. I went over to his place and hung out for a few hours. We chatted up a storm, and I bitched about my current relationship woes. Things seem to be sorting themselves out for him, which is wonderful. He's an amazing man who deserves to be treated better than he has been.

I have been trying not to be bitching about my relationship. Mainly because it's a situation of my own creation. That, and I've been so stressed out and cranky about everything else in my life, that I was clinging to what was left of my sanity and my dignity. I didn't want to rock the boat with the only thing that resembled Good in my life at that point. But now, I don't know if I can look past it much longer.

I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm in a royal funk. I miss my best friend. I am disappointed that I, again, allowed myself to enter into a relationship where I am not being treated the way I deserve to be treated. Where I feel alone, and abandoned, and sad all the time.

I am ordinarily such a confident person...I'm not sure how I let myself get involved with someone who is so (unintentionally) hard on my self-esteem.

I have been having a hard time with this for a few weeks now, but I have been too busy to focus on it. I've been so stressed about everything else, that I've been able to talk myself out of 'starting something'. I've managed to avoid having to deal with how sad I've become, and how lonely I'm feeling.

But this weekend, I had off. I didn't have to work. I had time. I was excited to have time to spend doing something fun with someone I love. And I spent it alone. Same as last weekend.

I don't mind alone. I've never minded alone. But for the first time in years, I'm Lonely. So very Lonely. And I know that it's temporary--and that I'll shake myself out of it soon enough. But that's not making it any easier right now.

I don't want to start a fight about this, knowing full well that at least 50% of my funk is based in a mild depression. But I know that the other 50% is legitimate. And that I'm not being treated how I need to be treated. And that I NEED more time and attention than I've been getting.

Argh. I need to shake this off. Because if I don't, I'm going to mess up the only thing that I really WANT to work out right now. I don't want to lose my best friend. I just want to feel like he cares about losing me. I want to know...no, I want to KNOW that he cares about me. At least enough to ask what the hell I did with my weekend.

Anyway. I'm turning off the comments on this one. I just needed to get it out...I don't need a pep-talk. Unless you want to call on the boy and explain to him that when I say "I'm having a really rotten day today and now would be a really good time for you to tell me that you love me" that the correct response is, "I'm sorry you're having a bad day. It's going to get better. And I DO love you, you know." The correct response is not "Oh."

Anyway.

So Saturday night after I saw Steven, I talked to Scott on the phone. We met up for a drink, then sat and had coffee for several hours. It was nice to see him. It was nice to spend some time talking to somebody who actually wanted to talk to me. He's having a rough go too. He thought that a personal situation that he's got happening was a lot more private than it is. He figured that nobody at the store knew. So he told me in confidence what the 'situation' was. I told him I already knew. And then I told him how I'd quieted the rumour at the store, and what I'd replaced it with. He was pleased. Very surprised that I'd done that, and apparently a bit impressed with my cover-story. But happy. And that's what matters most.

I should go to bed...it's very late. But I slept all day, on account of being up all night. I have to call and holler at the movers tomorrow because they have STILL not picked up my furniture--so while I'm paying the mortgage on a house, I'm not actually living in it yet. I'm still living out of a suitcase/box of crap. Good times.

G'night folks...more later. Cheerier, and more often, I promise. :)

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