Mental health day.

I took one yesterday. I took another one today. Today was worse than yesterday. Tomorrow will be worse again, but I have to go to work for a full shift. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

I have lots to say, and a whole lot of nothing. I'm up far too late already though, puttering around accomplishing nothing. So I'm going to post my IM conversation from earlier. I'm not really prepared to type out a whole lot of details. I was all teary and sad at the end of the conversation--and we're not even anywhere near the 3 days of the month that I'm not allowed to make decisions. I am in a serious funk.

I will call the 1-800 EAP phone number tomorrow looking for a referral. I didn't do it before when I said I would, simply because things started to look up slightly. But now they're not. Work is a mess, partly through problems of my own making, but mostly not. I'm sad all the time, and I'm not myself. I'm not enjoying my life, because I don't have one. It's never been like this before for me, moving. And I don't know if I hate my job because I'm unhappy, or if I'm unhappy because I hate my job. Anyway...that's a story for another day. G'night folks. Happy Thursday.

sarah says: how's you?
Bill says: sleepy.. you?
sarah says: meh.
Bill says: did you go to work at all today?
sarah says: yeah, i had to close.
sarah says: 5-10. we closed at 7.
sarah says: i actually got some work done. it was kinda nice.
Bill says: excellent.
sarah says: any less grumpy today?
Bill says: slightly
sarah says: anything new?
Bill says: my life is so freakin' boring it's ridiculous.
sarah says: me too. except for work.
sarah says: and frankly, there's got to be more to it than this.
Bill says: tell me about it.
sarah says: i used to have a life.
sarah says: you'll get to sail again in the spring, at least. That'll be fun.
Bill says: i used to too, briefly.

that hadn't even occured to me.
sarah says: I keep trying to look forward for something positive.
sarah says: i'm not coming up with a hell of a lot.
Bill says: quit. sell your house and move back to halifax.
sarah says: I spent most of today looking for a new job.
sarah says: I'm so sick of people.
Bill says: do it!
sarah says: i don't know what i want to do.
sarah says: i just don't think this is it.
Bill says: yes, that's becoming pretty obvious.
sarah says: i miss the event of Thirstday. I miss having a routine. I miss gaelic. I miss people actually liking me. And I really miss feeling like myself.
sarah says: blah. sorry. not your problem.
Bill says: you need to get out of there.
sarah says: Yeah, i know.
sarah says: but i feel like a failure because i can't seem to make it work.
sarah says: i'm working as hard as i can, and i can't keep up. i have no balance. and i'm sad all the time. I just can't deal with it anymore.
sarah says: so yeah. i looked for jobs today. i will continue to do that tomorrow.
sarah says: and for the forseeable future.
Bill says: just leave. fuck it.
sarah says: i can't. i have a $110K noose that i have to pay for.
sarah says: that, and i'd kind of like to have the 10 year reference.
Bill says: what's a 10 year reference?
sarah says: i mean the reference that would come from being someplace for 10 years...and still being gainfully employed.
sarah says: that, and I can't walk away from a paycheque. Not unless i'm prepared to move home. And I'm not.
sarah says: I was ready in October/November.
sarah says: anyway.
sarah says: you were tired. I'm sorry to babble at you. I just miss having a friend. And Tracey was at work.
Bill says: don't worry about it so much. if you hate it that much, just leave. you have friends here that'll help you through 'til you get rid of your house and find a new job.
sarah says: we'll see.

Sadie and the Very Long Day.

It's Friday!

Under normal circumstances, this would be a good thing. Today, however, not so much.

As seems to e his wont, my boss is coming to visit today. He always seems to choose the Friday that I work the close shift. I.e. 12-9:30 pm. Except that he comes to visit me at 9 or 10 am. Which means that in order to a) prepare for him and b) get any REAL work done, I have to go to work at 8 am. And then stay until 9:30 pm. This makes for a Very Long Day. Add to that, the fact that he doesn't seem to notice that we don't stop for lunch...and that he stays long into my supper hour, so that I have 10 minutes to run to Tim Horton's before my only other coverage in the store has gone home for the day. It makes me cranky.

Particularly knowing that today? I'm going to get reamed out again. This time though, I at least semi-deserve it. I missed a deadline on Friday. I sent the email with the file attached, but because he didn't receive it--I missed the deadline. And then I was sick on Monday and Tuesday, so he sent me a series of nasty emails for the first 3 days of the week. Wednesday morning when I arrived, he called me before I could even get into my emails to see the other nasties. I pointed out that I had been out sick, and hadn't received them, or I'd have noticed his file sitting waiting in my Outbox sooner.

Anyway, he got what he wanted, but he's not going to be happy with me. Whatever.

What I found ironic is that my work email account shut itself down for sending because my inbox was too full. Because my boss sent me no less than 6 emails FILLED with photos of other people's stores. And then the email server sends you a very large email telling you that you have to delete things, because your mailbox is too full. I had about a dozen of those. Because once you hit your capacity? Every time someone sends you an email, the server sends you one too. Hilarity ensues. Well, not really. But definitely irony. Irony ensues.

I've got a bunch of stuff I 've got to get organized before I head into the office, so I should head out. I just wanted to drop by and say 'Hi!'. So... Hi!

Shaking it off.

I don't know where to start in order to sort myself out right now.

I had a great weekend--went into the city and hung out with Tamara. Went out with her and Steve & Duffy on Saturday night--had a great time. Too many martinis and a whole lot of laughing. Not a lot of sleep, overall, but it was a lovely time. (actual details to follow)

Today before I was leaving the city I met up with the old landlord and dropped off the mail-key and the dehumidifier. I was feeling good. I was feeling strong. I made what seemed like a good decision at the time and called Billy to go for a coffee.

He was up for it, so we did. Now, we haven't spoken a word to one another in a week. Which is the longest we've ever gone without speaking in almost 2 years. Previous record? 2 days.

Anyway, we went for coffee. It was nice. We chatted. It was mostly superficial. He's been sick for a few days. Which I pretended I didn't know, but mainly did because of Face*book. It was good. I mentioned that I'd seen Kenneth & Amanda at the market on Saturday morning and that it had been 'more than a little embarrassing'. He seemed surprised and asked why it would be embarrassing. I pointed out that they don't really know me well enough to know that I don't generally have melt-downs in public, and that I found it a bit humiliating having to face them. He said "Bah, I wouldn't worry about that!" Which led me to believe that even he was mostly over my screaming at him on the street.

It was a nice time, and I actually thought I'd come away from it quite cleanly. I thought that almost all the way home. But 2 hours of driving is a long time to drive without Thinking About Stuff. [insert ominous music here]

I got thinking about ways that I could work to be his friend, and yet move on with my life. I got to thinking about how unlikely it is that at my age I'm going to suddenly meet the man who's going to fill all the stupid little dreams I've had about what my life would look like, and how sad that is. I got to thinking about how easy it appears for other people, and that sometimes it's comforting watching other people have difficulties because it makes it easier to accept the mess you've made of your own life by believing the hype. (yeah, I think in run-on sentences too--deal with it.) That made me think that I'm an evil bitch, which is likely why I haven't met Prince Charming yet--Karma. You see what happens when I'm alone too long with my thoughts? Nobody said being a girl was easy!

I made a point of not checking my FB when I got into the house. I unpacked a couple of boxes, made some supper. And checked my FB. And that's when the troubles really began.

I have been making a point of trying not to stalk him. I haven't been playing Scrabble with him. I've deleted him from my MSN. I was doing well.

Until tonight. I started with the stalking.

I should rewind a bit...Last Sunday when I got home after my drama-tastic weekend, I immediately changed my FB status to 'single'. I'd previously had it just benignly as nothing listed. But I needed to make that change for myself, to make myself clue in to the fact that despite how much 'preparing' I'd thought I'd done, it was truly final. I did it, but then hid the storyline so it didn't prompt in people's newsfeeds. Several people noticed on their own and sent me messages--but mainly it was pretty quiet.

Well, Friday...I saw in my newsfeed that little shattered heart icon that stated quite firmly that 'Billy is now single.' And it just about broke my heart. I don't know why it affected me so much, because I'd known. Hell, I did it first. I've known for MONTHS. But seeing it there, in black and white, for the entire interweb to see made my heart do a sad little flop.

It was partly because it made it more real, but mainly because of the loss of something that might have been Not what was really lost (i.e. a dysfunctional dating history), but the Idea that I'd lost. That somewhere out there was someone who Got Me.

Anyway...coffee was good. But I got thinking on the way home. It was too comfortable, the conversation. And not 'too comfortable' as in 'I want to go back and try yet again'...but as in 'we've always gotten along like a house on fire when we're in the same room and why should now be any different'? It was comfortable enough to lead me to believe that we could hang out with impunity. That is dangerous. Because it's not true just yet.

Anyway...I did some unpacking and then made a decision. I decided I'd sign up on POF again(I KNOW!!! *sigh*) to possibly meet some people and make some new friends. I'd actually put down 'friends' on my 'looking for' portion. I filled out the personality profile. I originally opted to not post a photo. I finished the registration, and hit 'my matches' to see what came up.

So...guess who was top of the list? Yeah. Kick to the gut. And he'd been there long enough to have a line in his profile saying that he'd had to change it because people had the wrong idea about what 'hanging out' meant.

I wasn't actually surprised to see him there...I should have expected it. But I didn't. It caught me off guard. And it hurt. But that's probably a good thing. The thing that pissed me off is that 3 of the photos he has posted are ones that I took of him. And one of them I took last Saturday night. He stole them from my FB and posted them on his dating page. *grumble*

It shouldn't bother me, but it does. Anyway. The other person that came up immediately was Dan-o. The guy I went to the wedding with 2 Augusts ago. He's funny as hell. Sent me a message already. We've just exchanged fake names and set up a rendezvous at a trashy motel. Nice to see SOME people have a sense of humour.

I was ready for bed at 8:40..and it's now 11:45. I've wasted the last 2 hours flipping back and forth between FB and POF in a stalking frenzy. I need to cut it the fuck out. I'd delete my POF right away, except that I forgot to change my settings so people couldn't see that I'd checked out their profiles...so when my shock caused me to click his profile, he knew it. And he clicked mine back. So I don't want him to think that I just made a profile to stalk him, because I didn't. I didn't even know he was there! But it would look stupid. And since I deleted him from MSN, I couldn't make a joke about it and move on.

But he still has MY MSN, and I know he hasn't erased me because today he mentioned a couple of my taglines from this past week. So he's seen them, and he's paid attention. He didn't message me after seeing me on POF either...so I think I'll just let it go. Even though the photos piss me off. A lot.

Holy shit, I can't believe I've let this crap bother me so much. I guess what this tells you, poppets, is that you should never fall in love with your best friend. And that once you realize that you shouldn't be in love with your best friend, you don't let them talk you into doing it anyway. Because they're wrong. And you'll only turn into a loopier, sadder, lonelier, mildly crazier version of yourself. Until you learn to shake it off.

I'm learning. But I think it's going to be a long process.

Completely overwhelmed.

I am right now.

I have one day left at work before I go on vacation, and about 8 days worth of stuff that HAS to be complete before I leave. I have a 4.5 hour seminar that I am being forced to attend this afternoon. I also have a visit from my DM this morning at work (I'm not scheduled until noon, but will be in at 10 anyway) where I am going to be chewed out for several things, some of which are my fault, some of which are not.

I have been arguing and negotiating and wheedling with movers for two days, and today/tomorrow MAY be the days that my stuff is finally picked up.

Tomorrow, I have to drive to Lunenburg for the wedding. The rehearsal is tonight, so I'm going to actually miss that part. Which is okay, considering I still have NO IDEA what it is that I'm supposed to be reading during the ceremony.

I don't have time to be blogging, but at least this way I now have a list of some of the crap I need to get done.

Oh well. This too shall pass. Or I'll be unemployed or something.

Talk to you later. When I'm on vacation.

Good night!

Good evening, my lovelies :)

I'm beat, but I just wanted to pop in and leave you a little bit of a post.

Today was good. An exercise in frustration, but good. I ended up coming home still coupled up. I'm happy about that. VERY happy about that, in fact.

I talked to Tracey for almost an hour tonight on my way home. (Long distance. To Alberta. On my cell phone. Shit.) I whinged and complained a lot...and explained some things to her that I didn't even realize myself yet.

I was thinking while I was at Billy's, and then actually said it to Tracey tonight, that if he were to honestly and sincerely ask me to go out west with him...and actually WANT me to...I'd go. I'd sell my beautiful new house, and take a leave of absence, and go. It'd be career suicide, but that's where I'm at emotionally right now.

And I'm too terrified to tell him that.

Scary that the one person I should feel most comfortable telling that to, is the one person I am petrified to tell. (Probably even more scary is the fact that I'm comfortable telling a herd of relative strangers on the interweb. Them's the breaks, I guess!)

Anyway...I was happy to see him. And happier still to figure out how to shake myself out of this funk a little bit. I've set up some solid plans (just with myself for now, but it's a start) for dates I can visit my boy. And I've decided to go back to my happiness journal. I used to keep a journal every night of 5 things that made me happy that day. Some times it was a real stretch--for instance, 'strange man at Tim Horton's held the door for me'--but most days, I have a hard time listing only 5. But having been in such a funk, for such an extended period of time, I figured it was time to make a comeback.

So I did it tonight, and I feel better about things. And then I posted here, which ALWAYS makes me feel better. And I MSN'd billy a little bit when I got home, adn that was great. Not to mention, Saskatchewan won the football game! ;)

Goodnight folks---and I'm really sorry I couldn't be more supportive of your team, Princess! My condolences to you and your whole crew out there in Winterpeg!

It's not you--it's your uterus!

Wow. Where to begin.

Likely with the ending.

I wasn't going to post that last one. I was going to let sleeping dogs lie. But...yeah. That just wouldn't be me, now would it?

So I ignored him all night. Didn't message. Didn't say anything. Knew he was doing the same thing. Finally I msg'd about how co-dependent we'd become. And how lonely it was when we weren't speaking.

I prattled on a bit about my shitty day at work...then said 'i know why i was ignoring you. why were you ignoring me?'

Apparently HE was mad at ME too. Why? I had to ask. Because he thought posting on my blog was a rude way to let him know I was moving on. *boggle* Last time I checked this wasn't a private message board, it was MY BLOG. Where I put whatever the hell I like.

Anyway...we discussed. We argued. I poked and prodded. I finally, and decisively found out why he doesn't want to be with me. And it's a fucking stupid reason. But it is good to finally know. And now? Now I can move ahead. But not without a word from our sponsors...

Random quote #1:
"I love how he's such a douche-bag!" - Jo. (love of my life, and saver of my sanity)

Why? Well...I'm going to be a bit of a douche-bag here myself and post this one final thing, and then move on with the rest of my life. An excerpt:

sadie says:

you were up front, and said you didn't want anything from me.

sadie says:

but you have to understand...that I can't live like that forever. I need to take some steps to move on with my fucking life.

sadie says:

hit enter already.

Bill says:

listen, just because i don't think we should "be together" doesn't mean it doesn't make me VERY sad that we can't.

sadie says:

i don't understand that.

Bill says:

if i was to tell you the real reason, you'd think i was the BIGGEST arsehole in the world.

sadie says:

hard to believe I'd think you were bigger than now.

Bill says:

thanks.

sadie says:

look at it from my perspective for a second.

sadie says:

so fucking TELL me.

Bill says:

because i want a big family. and a women having kids when she reaches 50 is wrong for the kids. i'm SO sorry.

Wow. It's not me, it's my uterus! That's gotta be a new one...I can't imagine it would get a whole lot of use in most relationships. Anyway...boggles the mind.

(how many kids IS that? 14 at least? Keep dreaming if you think you're going to find a woman these days that's prepared to stay home and pop out kids one a year for the rest of her youthful days--what is this? 1847?)

And for me? The reason is that I can't imagine wasting another second pining over someone who's such a moron. And if it weren't such a horrible thing to do, I'd wish him sterility*. But I wouldn't, because although I'll post my MSN chats here, I'm not really such an evil bitch as that.

What's particularly interesting though, is that he's 30. And believes in long acquaintances. And long engagements. So even if he meets someone tomorrow, he'd be 33 before he was hitched up and could start baby-making. How fair is THAT? Anyway. *boggle* (not to mention that in the last YEAR, he never once mentioned this desire for bay-bees. Ever. Or, knowing how old i was when we met...made an effort to not get involved in the first place.) Fucking moron.

Which I already knew. But this DOES make things a bit simpler. And it's nice to finally KNOW. And he did apologize for jerking me around emotionally...but i don't think he quite understood how he'd been doing it.

He *did* have the delusional idea that my friends might consider dating him after he had dated me. Apparently I look like a dating service for the fucked up and forlorn. Think again.

Joanna is one of the best friends ever, because at 1:00 am, she said 'let's go for coffee--right now.' And stayed up rehashing crap, talking about work, boys, her big raise!, more rehashing, and letting me spew--until 3:00 am.

I have to go in to work at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow, on my day off...to tour around with my DM. Where I will likely have my ass chewed. Because my boss is a moron who hung me out to dry. Right when there are new career opportunities (that I WANT) coming along. Oh well.

I just have to remember to keep my mouth shut during the chewing. Because I'm going to be crankier than I would have been anyway, and waaaaay over-tired. Not to mention sad, lonely, and miserable.

If you're around, you should send cookies, and caffeine. But I'd send them...you aren't going to want to get too close to this bear for the next few days.

Sorry folks--but at least you know that this is the end of it. (for a day or two anyway...but at least if it's posted here, I can re-read it and remember why I'm angry and sad.)

I'm going to put back the post that I took down, with all the melodramatic opining about what's going on with what...'should I talk to him? should I not? blah-blah-freaking blah.' Next time I pull this bullshit, somebody do me a big favour and slap me**, wouldja?

Okay folks...it's 4:30 am and this girlie's gotta a) get some sleep, and b) move on with her life. So good night for now...and hopefully a better post tomorrow. Or not. But I'll do my best. G'morning.



*(could you imagine though, after all this...marrying someone with 'fresh eggs', and finding out that those eggs just won't hatch? That'd be horrible. And yet so poetic--in a purely Alanis kind of way.)

**This is like when you promised to never let me use the words 'perm' and 'i should get a' in the same sentence. Because...that's actually worked quite well for the last 15 years.