Mental health day.

I took one yesterday. I took another one today. Today was worse than yesterday. Tomorrow will be worse again, but I have to go to work for a full shift. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

I have lots to say, and a whole lot of nothing. I'm up far too late already though, puttering around accomplishing nothing. So I'm going to post my IM conversation from earlier. I'm not really prepared to type out a whole lot of details. I was all teary and sad at the end of the conversation--and we're not even anywhere near the 3 days of the month that I'm not allowed to make decisions. I am in a serious funk.

I will call the 1-800 EAP phone number tomorrow looking for a referral. I didn't do it before when I said I would, simply because things started to look up slightly. But now they're not. Work is a mess, partly through problems of my own making, but mostly not. I'm sad all the time, and I'm not myself. I'm not enjoying my life, because I don't have one. It's never been like this before for me, moving. And I don't know if I hate my job because I'm unhappy, or if I'm unhappy because I hate my job. Anyway...that's a story for another day. G'night folks. Happy Thursday.

sarah says: how's you?
Bill says: sleepy.. you?
sarah says: meh.
Bill says: did you go to work at all today?
sarah says: yeah, i had to close.
sarah says: 5-10. we closed at 7.
sarah says: i actually got some work done. it was kinda nice.
Bill says: excellent.
sarah says: any less grumpy today?
Bill says: slightly
sarah says: anything new?
Bill says: my life is so freakin' boring it's ridiculous.
sarah says: me too. except for work.
sarah says: and frankly, there's got to be more to it than this.
Bill says: tell me about it.
sarah says: i used to have a life.
sarah says: you'll get to sail again in the spring, at least. That'll be fun.
Bill says: i used to too, briefly.

that hadn't even occured to me.
sarah says: I keep trying to look forward for something positive.
sarah says: i'm not coming up with a hell of a lot.
Bill says: quit. sell your house and move back to halifax.
sarah says: I spent most of today looking for a new job.
sarah says: I'm so sick of people.
Bill says: do it!
sarah says: i don't know what i want to do.
sarah says: i just don't think this is it.
Bill says: yes, that's becoming pretty obvious.
sarah says: i miss the event of Thirstday. I miss having a routine. I miss gaelic. I miss people actually liking me. And I really miss feeling like myself.
sarah says: blah. sorry. not your problem.
Bill says: you need to get out of there.
sarah says: Yeah, i know.
sarah says: but i feel like a failure because i can't seem to make it work.
sarah says: i'm working as hard as i can, and i can't keep up. i have no balance. and i'm sad all the time. I just can't deal with it anymore.
sarah says: so yeah. i looked for jobs today. i will continue to do that tomorrow.
sarah says: and for the forseeable future.
Bill says: just leave. fuck it.
sarah says: i can't. i have a $110K noose that i have to pay for.
sarah says: that, and i'd kind of like to have the 10 year reference.
Bill says: what's a 10 year reference?
sarah says: i mean the reference that would come from being someplace for 10 years...and still being gainfully employed.
sarah says: that, and I can't walk away from a paycheque. Not unless i'm prepared to move home. And I'm not.
sarah says: I was ready in October/November.
sarah says: anyway.
sarah says: you were tired. I'm sorry to babble at you. I just miss having a friend. And Tracey was at work.
Bill says: don't worry about it so much. if you hate it that much, just leave. you have friends here that'll help you through 'til you get rid of your house and find a new job.
sarah says: we'll see.