It's not you--it's your uterus!

Wow. Where to begin.

Likely with the ending.

I wasn't going to post that last one. I was going to let sleeping dogs lie. But...yeah. That just wouldn't be me, now would it?

So I ignored him all night. Didn't message. Didn't say anything. Knew he was doing the same thing. Finally I msg'd about how co-dependent we'd become. And how lonely it was when we weren't speaking.

I prattled on a bit about my shitty day at work...then said 'i know why i was ignoring you. why were you ignoring me?'

Apparently HE was mad at ME too. Why? I had to ask. Because he thought posting on my blog was a rude way to let him know I was moving on. *boggle* Last time I checked this wasn't a private message board, it was MY BLOG. Where I put whatever the hell I like.

Anyway...we discussed. We argued. I poked and prodded. I finally, and decisively found out why he doesn't want to be with me. And it's a fucking stupid reason. But it is good to finally know. And now? Now I can move ahead. But not without a word from our sponsors...

Random quote #1:
"I love how he's such a douche-bag!" - Jo. (love of my life, and saver of my sanity)

Why? Well...I'm going to be a bit of a douche-bag here myself and post this one final thing, and then move on with the rest of my life. An excerpt:

sadie says:

you were up front, and said you didn't want anything from me.

sadie says:

but you have to understand...that I can't live like that forever. I need to take some steps to move on with my fucking life.

sadie says:

hit enter already.

Bill says:

listen, just because i don't think we should "be together" doesn't mean it doesn't make me VERY sad that we can't.

sadie says:

i don't understand that.

Bill says:

if i was to tell you the real reason, you'd think i was the BIGGEST arsehole in the world.

sadie says:

hard to believe I'd think you were bigger than now.

Bill says:

thanks.

sadie says:

look at it from my perspective for a second.

sadie says:

so fucking TELL me.

Bill says:

because i want a big family. and a women having kids when she reaches 50 is wrong for the kids. i'm SO sorry.

Wow. It's not me, it's my uterus! That's gotta be a new one...I can't imagine it would get a whole lot of use in most relationships. Anyway...boggles the mind.

(how many kids IS that? 14 at least? Keep dreaming if you think you're going to find a woman these days that's prepared to stay home and pop out kids one a year for the rest of her youthful days--what is this? 1847?)

And for me? The reason is that I can't imagine wasting another second pining over someone who's such a moron. And if it weren't such a horrible thing to do, I'd wish him sterility*. But I wouldn't, because although I'll post my MSN chats here, I'm not really such an evil bitch as that.

What's particularly interesting though, is that he's 30. And believes in long acquaintances. And long engagements. So even if he meets someone tomorrow, he'd be 33 before he was hitched up and could start baby-making. How fair is THAT? Anyway. *boggle* (not to mention that in the last YEAR, he never once mentioned this desire for bay-bees. Ever. Or, knowing how old i was when we met...made an effort to not get involved in the first place.) Fucking moron.

Which I already knew. But this DOES make things a bit simpler. And it's nice to finally KNOW. And he did apologize for jerking me around emotionally...but i don't think he quite understood how he'd been doing it.

He *did* have the delusional idea that my friends might consider dating him after he had dated me. Apparently I look like a dating service for the fucked up and forlorn. Think again.

Joanna is one of the best friends ever, because at 1:00 am, she said 'let's go for coffee--right now.' And stayed up rehashing crap, talking about work, boys, her big raise!, more rehashing, and letting me spew--until 3:00 am.

I have to go in to work at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow, on my day off...to tour around with my DM. Where I will likely have my ass chewed. Because my boss is a moron who hung me out to dry. Right when there are new career opportunities (that I WANT) coming along. Oh well.

I just have to remember to keep my mouth shut during the chewing. Because I'm going to be crankier than I would have been anyway, and waaaaay over-tired. Not to mention sad, lonely, and miserable.

If you're around, you should send cookies, and caffeine. But I'd send them...you aren't going to want to get too close to this bear for the next few days.

Sorry folks--but at least you know that this is the end of it. (for a day or two anyway...but at least if it's posted here, I can re-read it and remember why I'm angry and sad.)

I'm going to put back the post that I took down, with all the melodramatic opining about what's going on with what...'should I talk to him? should I not? blah-blah-freaking blah.' Next time I pull this bullshit, somebody do me a big favour and slap me**, wouldja?

Okay folks...it's 4:30 am and this girlie's gotta a) get some sleep, and b) move on with her life. So good night for now...and hopefully a better post tomorrow. Or not. But I'll do my best. G'morning.



*(could you imagine though, after all this...marrying someone with 'fresh eggs', and finding out that those eggs just won't hatch? That'd be horrible. And yet so poetic--in a purely Alanis kind of way.)

**This is like when you promised to never let me use the words 'perm' and 'i should get a' in the same sentence. Because...that's actually worked quite well for the last 15 years.