Traffic court.

That's where I'm at. I've been ridiculously anxious about it for the last few weeks, waiting and worrying and imagining all the horrible outcomes that might be heading my way. Now I sit here on the floor in the hall of the courthouse-waiting.

I have to say, I don't get the feeling that this is going to be as serious as I had imagined. Apparently, this is just to enter a plea and then we have to come back to tell our tales of woe. Hrmph.

***
Well, that was fairly uneventful. Now I go back in November to explain my little saga. At least I got a little Blog out of it, considering I've been trying to write for weeks now. Maybe a real post tonight. A girl can dare to dream!

Ho hum :)

Um...I suck. :)

So Thursday update--it wasn't as horrible as I expected it to be. It wasn't pleasant, but then again, when is an intervention ever a good time? Seriously, it was like couples counseling (rather, how I imagine couples counseling to be, I've never actually had any, although several of my past relationships would probably have benefited from the experience). But at least it's over. Hopefully it worked, and things be better. I've been working at my stuff to try and improve things, so I just hope he keeps plugging away at his. Time shall tell.

I closed Friday night, and worked yesterday. Last night I drove to Halifax to meet up with Tracey and some of the girls. She's in town from Edmonton for a week, and I REALLY wanted to see her. Which is good, because the roads were evil. They were perfectly clear here, and most of the way through the Cobequid Pass, but on the other side of the pass, and all the way into the city they were horrible. I did 60 all the way down the highway from Milbrook on. It was a long trip.

Last night was a really good time. Parts of it were awkward, but it turned out to be a blast. The awkward part was when Billy and I had a 'discussion' at the end of the night. You see, he read some back-pages of my blog about 10 days ago. I thought it was him, I just had a feeling. But I wasn't sure. And I didn't mention it.

Remember how I'd said he was gone offline for a few days? And that I was missing even having him sit there on my messenger not talking? Well. I was right. It was intentional.

But he mis-read some things, and didn't understand where I was coming from. I think we have it sorted out now. I wish I hadn't been quite so trashed, because we talked about a LOT of stuff, and I can only remember half of it. Yes, I know. Lack of sleep, and too much booze leads to poor judgement. Well, this time it didn't. It lead to clearing the air, and hopefully getting back on the right foot. I'd like to have more of that conversation sober, but I don't think he'd do it, to be honest. It's too uncomfortable. For both of us. And it's the type of thing that needs to be done in person. And we don't get that opportunity very often.

Anyway, I think we're sorted out. It was very sad at some points, and very emotional (for me!) in others. I asked for a hug, and he held me. And we fell asleep like that, and it was nice. (yes, I know, not healthy--I don't hug my other friends like that) It was nice because I think we both needed to understand that we can still get along. And that neither one of us would intentionally hurt the other one's feelings. Particularly not in public.

He and Alicia and I went to breakfast this morning, and when I left the restaurant to drop Alicia at home, I hugged him. And we held on a bit, even though it was a one-armed hug. And it was nice. I hug all my other friends, and it's not something we've ever been able to do in public--even when we were dating. So I think we're making steps.

I'd have liked to get together for caffeine this afternoon to finish up our conversation from last night, but I didn't want to be pushy. Or seem like I wanted more than friendship--because I really don't. Well...I think I don't. But that's for another exploratory surgery. :-)

I went to the mall and wandered for a couple of hours. Steven came to meet me and we had Second Cup and a lovely chat. He told me all about his date last night (it went really well) and that the best part was being able to just go places in public and not have to look over his shoulder to see if anybody saw them together. Isn't that an absolutely horrible thing? I mean, that THAT was the way he's lived his last 2 years of dating? It's distasteful. And I"m happy that he's finally learning to be happy.

I'm sooooooo tired, that I'm off to bed. I just really wanted to update a little bit.

I had a fantastic weekend, saw some great friends, played a really fun board game, drank too much, made up with my best friend, and got some hugs and snuggles. Human touch makes up for a lot of injustice in your day-to-day. I need to figure out how to get more of that. But that's a job for tomorrow.

Tomorrow's Saint Paddy's Day, and I was invited to Moncton with DD to beverage with some of his friends. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I'd love to go to Moncton, I'd love to meet new people, but I don't think I want to encourage him. Nor do I really want to have 'the conversation' with him tomorrow. Who knows. I'm going to play it by ear. I'll see how I feel about the whole thing tomorrow, after a lovely long snooze.

G'night, poppets. Happy Sunday night. :-)

It's not you--it's your uterus!

Wow. Where to begin.

Likely with the ending.

I wasn't going to post that last one. I was going to let sleeping dogs lie. But...yeah. That just wouldn't be me, now would it?

So I ignored him all night. Didn't message. Didn't say anything. Knew he was doing the same thing. Finally I msg'd about how co-dependent we'd become. And how lonely it was when we weren't speaking.

I prattled on a bit about my shitty day at work...then said 'i know why i was ignoring you. why were you ignoring me?'

Apparently HE was mad at ME too. Why? I had to ask. Because he thought posting on my blog was a rude way to let him know I was moving on. *boggle* Last time I checked this wasn't a private message board, it was MY BLOG. Where I put whatever the hell I like.

Anyway...we discussed. We argued. I poked and prodded. I finally, and decisively found out why he doesn't want to be with me. And it's a fucking stupid reason. But it is good to finally know. And now? Now I can move ahead. But not without a word from our sponsors...

Random quote #1:
"I love how he's such a douche-bag!" - Jo. (love of my life, and saver of my sanity)

Why? Well...I'm going to be a bit of a douche-bag here myself and post this one final thing, and then move on with the rest of my life. An excerpt:

sadie says:

you were up front, and said you didn't want anything from me.

sadie says:

but you have to understand...that I can't live like that forever. I need to take some steps to move on with my fucking life.

sadie says:

hit enter already.

Bill says:

listen, just because i don't think we should "be together" doesn't mean it doesn't make me VERY sad that we can't.

sadie says:

i don't understand that.

Bill says:

if i was to tell you the real reason, you'd think i was the BIGGEST arsehole in the world.

sadie says:

hard to believe I'd think you were bigger than now.

Bill says:

thanks.

sadie says:

look at it from my perspective for a second.

sadie says:

so fucking TELL me.

Bill says:

because i want a big family. and a women having kids when she reaches 50 is wrong for the kids. i'm SO sorry.

Wow. It's not me, it's my uterus! That's gotta be a new one...I can't imagine it would get a whole lot of use in most relationships. Anyway...boggles the mind.

(how many kids IS that? 14 at least? Keep dreaming if you think you're going to find a woman these days that's prepared to stay home and pop out kids one a year for the rest of her youthful days--what is this? 1847?)

And for me? The reason is that I can't imagine wasting another second pining over someone who's such a moron. And if it weren't such a horrible thing to do, I'd wish him sterility*. But I wouldn't, because although I'll post my MSN chats here, I'm not really such an evil bitch as that.

What's particularly interesting though, is that he's 30. And believes in long acquaintances. And long engagements. So even if he meets someone tomorrow, he'd be 33 before he was hitched up and could start baby-making. How fair is THAT? Anyway. *boggle* (not to mention that in the last YEAR, he never once mentioned this desire for bay-bees. Ever. Or, knowing how old i was when we met...made an effort to not get involved in the first place.) Fucking moron.

Which I already knew. But this DOES make things a bit simpler. And it's nice to finally KNOW. And he did apologize for jerking me around emotionally...but i don't think he quite understood how he'd been doing it.

He *did* have the delusional idea that my friends might consider dating him after he had dated me. Apparently I look like a dating service for the fucked up and forlorn. Think again.

Joanna is one of the best friends ever, because at 1:00 am, she said 'let's go for coffee--right now.' And stayed up rehashing crap, talking about work, boys, her big raise!, more rehashing, and letting me spew--until 3:00 am.

I have to go in to work at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow, on my day off...to tour around with my DM. Where I will likely have my ass chewed. Because my boss is a moron who hung me out to dry. Right when there are new career opportunities (that I WANT) coming along. Oh well.

I just have to remember to keep my mouth shut during the chewing. Because I'm going to be crankier than I would have been anyway, and waaaaay over-tired. Not to mention sad, lonely, and miserable.

If you're around, you should send cookies, and caffeine. But I'd send them...you aren't going to want to get too close to this bear for the next few days.

Sorry folks--but at least you know that this is the end of it. (for a day or two anyway...but at least if it's posted here, I can re-read it and remember why I'm angry and sad.)

I'm going to put back the post that I took down, with all the melodramatic opining about what's going on with what...'should I talk to him? should I not? blah-blah-freaking blah.' Next time I pull this bullshit, somebody do me a big favour and slap me**, wouldja?

Okay folks...it's 4:30 am and this girlie's gotta a) get some sleep, and b) move on with her life. So good night for now...and hopefully a better post tomorrow. Or not. But I'll do my best. G'morning.



*(could you imagine though, after all this...marrying someone with 'fresh eggs', and finding out that those eggs just won't hatch? That'd be horrible. And yet so poetic--in a purely Alanis kind of way.)

**This is like when you promised to never let me use the words 'perm' and 'i should get a' in the same sentence. Because...that's actually worked quite well for the last 15 years.