Cleaning house

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

And the gifts just keep on giving...

Heather called and left me a message freaking out about having to give her speech tomorrow in front of 150 people. So I called her back.

I was able to easily divert her attention from her stress and drama, by allowing myself to be bludgeoned repeatedly with a blunt object.

Nah, really she just asked me questions about Luke. Reopening the wounds, and makingme feel guiltier than ever about wanting him to know that I knew about Cynthia.

Anyway--while I choose to believe that he couldn't have felt anything for me all this time, and I was obviously deluding myself, she seems to think that he DID feel something, but felt no obligation to behave like a decent human being because I allowed him to believe that. Say what?

Basically, (and we've already covered this part ad nauseum) I allowed him to treat me like crap (True) and didn't force the subject of a future, etc...and because of my lack of direction (for lack of a better term) this relationship went nowhere.

Coudln't possibly have anything to do with the fact that I let him stomp on me because I was deluding myself into believing that his inability to show care or concern for another human being was a function of his age and not simply and indicaton of the fact that he's a selfish jackass? I didn't think so.

Anyway...she got me all sobby and wet, which I hate...and I'm determined to be stoic on the weekend when I get my stuff back. Although the little shit will likely try to drop it at the store so that he doesn't have to face me. Chickenshit. I deserve better. So there.

Which I knew the whole time...why did I make excuses for him? Why did I allow myself to be treated in such a disrespectful manner? I must have taken a leave of my senses. Anyway. I still miss having my friend. I miss havi ng sex too, although it wasn't really very good. Remind me not to date skinny guys again. :)

Otherwise, my day was good. I beat Scott to the store. The visit is scheduled for tomorrow, and if there's no fog, let's hope it takes place. I can't stand the thought of having to wait around all week again.

So...know anybody who wants to fall madly in love with me and have the perfect family? He has to be hot, smart, funny, and must idolize me in a way that I am so clearly not used to...but at one point was very familiar with.

I have been so blessed to be loved by so many wonderful men in my life...this one, I guess, is just not one of them. :) I guess there's always hope. :)


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