Why, God? Why?!

Because.

Housekeeping

So today I have a ton of personal housekeeping to do...taxes, taxes, and more taxes. I have to fold several loads of laundry. Vacuum the floors, change the sheets...blah, blah, blah.

But I also have decided it's time to update Ye Olde Blogge. I have updated a couple of links in the sidebar, but only to take out ones that are no longer viable, or places that I no longer visit. I have a few of you to add that I visit every single day, but really the idea of typing out over 100 HTML addies doesn't really appeal to me at the moment. I MAY just figure out how to add that Bloglines widget to my sidebar today...Mike does it, and it seems to work a charm. So I think that I will share with you my personal reads.

Really, what's more revealing about someone than the blogs they frequent? Even on an infrequent basis? Perhaps I should rethink this...public nudity of the soul isn't really something I'm all tha comfortable with. Shocking, I'm sure. *snicker*

Anyway...that's what I'm up to. What about you?

Whee :)

I went out tonight...to the Old Triangle. I went alone. I had a good time. I couldn't face sitting at home by myself. So I didn't.

I did that last night...on Thirstday. My first Thirstday at home in almost 6 months. It was also B's birthday. So yesterday? I went to the mall and returned his gift. :) Alas, I couldn't find anything frivolous to buy myself with the money. (Which is okay, as I really need to use the cash to pay my power bill. They're sending me threats...whatever. I like eating by candle-light, beyotches!)

Tonight was fun though. I danced with an old man--standard fare for me at the Triangle. :)

Anyway...this post is really to tell you that I've started to tell The Story of Us. It's 2 posts back. I left the original 'start-date' on the post...even though I've started it 4 or 5 times now. I'm less than half-way through, but it's all the background crap. I'll let you know when I finish it up. But I wanted you to know. Because you were all so happy for me when I was so happy. But since I'm not so happy right now, I figured you should at least know why.

There's a 'comments qualifier' at the end of that post. Please pay attention to it. I'm not up for "i told you so's" and "You know what your problem is?" I've had enough of those from so-called friends in the last couple of weeks...I can't deal with it in RL, and I really don't want to deal with it here too.

So happy reading...and enjoy your Saturday! :) I'll catch up with you tomorrow. :)

Superheroes R-Us

Aquaman kicks azz, doods. It's just this simple.

Happy Tuesday!

Four hundred draft posts later, and I've decided that things is what they is. You don't get the details right now. Because I have spent enough time dwelling on this stuff, that I don't want to have to do it again. So...

Whee :) It's sunshiney out, and warm...20*C as a matter of fact, and I'm home for lunch. :) I snuck home here on my lunch to see the sunshine and to get my clothes for Gaelic tonight.

In other news...I am unsure as to what I should do with the pre-purchased birthday gift. It's nothing spectacular, nice enough, but not fancy. I could return it, but that seems like a lot of effort. But I think it would be slightly too encouraging to give it to him, as I've made it pretty clear that I am NOT able to be friends. I'll be giving him the card, but that's sufficient, I think.

Bleh. I'll return it and get myself something frivolous. Unless they'll give me cash, in which case the something frivolous will be my power bill.

I'm in seriously dire straits at the moment, and am looking desperately forward to June and it's 3-paycheque month. Here's to poverty! Population me! :)

I don't WANT a roomie...but I may be at that point once again where I need to cave. Suckeroo. Oh well. :)

Well, time to head back to the salt-mines. Have a lovely afternoon folks! :) Feasgar math!

So...

I think you're entitled to a post. Everyone I know has been asking, so I may as well write it down.

There's so much to cover, and my memory, as you know is the shits. It's why I have a blog. You'd think I'd be a bit better at actually using it.

So....last Thursday is usually a good place to start. The Thursday after Easter was a pretty good one...it was a nice night, nothing special, I don't think. So much has happened in the interim that I'm a little fuzzy on some of the details, to be completely honest.

I ended up going to the pub by myself, because B-- went out with a bunch of his friends from school. I had a good time on my own, but was disappointed that he didn't tell me about his plans until 7:30 the night of...when I'd specifically asked him to let me know by 5 so I didn't get my hopes up about seeing him.

The thing about only having one day that you're certain of seeing someone, is that you look forward to it. So I was a bit pissy, but really...it's not that big a deal so I got over it.

(This draft is in it's 4th incarnation, and I'm filling it in a bit now on the 27th/28th of April...almost 2 full weeks after the fact. I don't think I'm likely to forget, but this is for me...just in case I do.)

I had a great time on Thursday, stayed much later than I intended...but was really looking forward to seeing him. And since I had to drive past his house to get home, I called his cell. No answer, so I assumed he was still out. Not a big deal--I wasn't pissy after the first 20 minutes of being out, I just wanted to see him at this point. I figured I'd try again on my way home. So I drove up his street, and called from the road. No answer. But I saw his car in the parking lot...so I took a shot and buzzed.

He was home...and asleep. But he let me in, and seemed quite happy to see me. So I smooched him, and peed, and intended to go home, but he asked, so I stayed. It was very nice. Cozy. We DID sleep well together.

Friday I closed...we chatted a bit online Friday night and I asked him if he'd like to do something together on Saturday. I got a 'Sure!!' with exclamation points...so I was hyped. I said 'okay then, it's your job to find us something fun to do." "I think I can manage that" he said. So I went to work all excited about having something fun to do on Saturday night.

Saturday we got out pretty quick...I walked into the locker room at 9:15 to grab my coat and my cell was ringing. He thought I was at the gym? (apparently listening---not so good. As it turns out, it was the disregard for other people's feelings that was doing the listening at the time...or not.) Anyway..."What do you think about going to the Split Crow tonight?"

"Sure...sounds good"

"Okay, I'm heading down there now."

"um...did you maybe want to...oh, I don't know...WAIT for me? And we could go TOGEHTER?"

"Oh...yeah. I guess I could do that. Damien's down there already."

"Ahh. Okay. Well, why don't you meet me at my place, and we can take one car."

"Yeah, okay. Sure. How long will it take you to get ready?"

(starting to get frustrated at this point--but still just assuming he's a dumb boy) "Well, I'll get ready a lot faster if you're standing in my living room than I will if I'm waiting for you to show up."

"oh...yeah, I guess. Okay. I'll see you in 20 minutes or so then."

WHAT THE FUCK? But okay...he's just obtuse. It'll be fine.

So I went home to get changed...he showed up, and stood in the dining room while I got dressed. I made a bit of a joke about it--asked him how close he was to the Crow when he phoned me? Then I changed the subject because I didn't really want to know.

We made it out to the car with no smooch...so I asked for one and got it. It was nice.

While we were driving downtown, he mentioned that Damien was already down there I DID ask "What would you have done if I'd said I didn't want to go to the Split Crow?

"Um..."

Yeah. Anyway, I had a good time. Scoot met us down there...he was loooooaded. I met a couple of guys from Saskatchewan.* I met a girl who is an Hotel Inspector. She's cool. From Toronto. Damien, who's a big loser, picked up some girl(who was also married). I'm sure his live-in girlfriend is proud. He 'whispered' at Bill that Bill had to be his alibi, and that sometime Damien would return the favour. Classy.

*This is a good story for another time. It's interesting...and really quite indicative of how I keep getting into the WRONG kind of relationships. But anyway. Back to the story at hand.

Anyway...we had a good time. Scott stayed all night, and kept drinking and drinking. The three of us went to the Alehouse after...not such a great idea, but it was alright. Then we put scott in a cab, and tried to catch one ourselves.

We caught a cab home. (What's that, you say? Didn't we drive down? Yes...yes we did. In fact, I offered several times to drive, as I had to work at 8 a.m. anyway...but No, it was fine. He would drive. Then, halfway through my 3rd beer, I see him and Damien splitting a pitcher. So yeah...I said 'I OFFERED to drive...how are we going to get home?!' "That's what cabs are for" "well, you'd better pay for it, I can't afford a cab...that's why I was going to drive." Yeah...good times.) It took forever, as nobody wanted to go to Bedford.

So...I kinda started something when we were half asleep on Saturday night...and told him how l was feeling a little bit hurt about the whole evening, among other things. Anyway...it was good. I needed to say it, he needed to hear it. It would have been better sober, but...hey. :) He snuggled me close, and things were fine.

Sunday morning I had to get up for work...he went to get up too...I said 'stay and sleep, I'll get my keys back from you later.' He looked surprised, but pleased...so he did. I left a note that said I'd either swing by and pick them up, or he could drop them off later.

I had a very long day at work, because it was Sunday--which means BUSY, and also because I was so tired. Around 4, Billy brought me a coffee and my keys. :) It was so nice to have a visit in the afternoon. :) He smooched me voluntarily in the middle of the light cloud...it was a happy surprise, as he's not usually so demonstrative. :) I was quite happy. :)

So after the visit, I went to the gym, then home...Bill had cooked a chicken, so I wheedled myself an invitation over to eat it. :) I'd already eaten, but that wasn't the point. I was also TIIIIRED, but it was cool.

So I went over to his place, and we just hung out. We talked, and laughed, and giggled, and listened to music, and snuggled like crazy...just laying on the bed. Being. And it was GOOD. And the sex? It was good too.

And I stayed over, and it was nice (as usual) to wake up next to him. I worked close on Monday night...so I caught an extra couple of hours sleep when I got home and headed in to the store at 10.

Monday night when I got home, he wasn't online. Which was unusual, but not THAT unusual. I figured he was either out, or gone to bed early. I ate my dinner, chatted with some other friends, read some blogs. Quinn had emailed me about a POF post he'd made, so I went to read it.

While I was at POF, I looked up Billy's profile. What? You wonder what he was doing with a profile still up on a dating site? That's a good question. It was still there from before. I never asked him to take it down. I figured he'd do it when he thought about it. I also thought he would remember how much it had bothered me before, when I found that he still had a profile and had changed it. Apparently some lessons are REALLY hard to learn.

I didn't look to spy, I looked out of curiousity. And the fucking cat, it deserved to die...because curiousity never turns out well, I've learned over and over again. So his profile, not just there...but different. The body was the same, but the header...it was different. 'C'mon, be honest' Fucking hypocrisy in action.

It said he was a non-smoker. It said he was single. It said he was looking for a long-term commitment and that he was a sincere and honest person. Lying sack of shit.

So I felt like I'd been sandbagged. I felt like absolute utter shit. So it was about ten to 11...and I called him. I left him a voicemail...that said (in a rather shaky voice) that I really needed to talk to him, and that I would stop by tomorrow (Tuesday) after work if he was going to be around.

I then (for good measure) sent him emails...one to Hotmail, and one to work. "I need to talk to you, so I'll stop by after work tomorrow night. If you're not going to be around at 10 or so, let me know...otherwise, I'll see you tomorrow. Have a happy Tuesday!"

Monday night was crap. Tuesday? Worse. I was a complete and utter bitch all day. I was snarly, and cranky, and mean. I was busy, and run off my feet to start with...but tired, and cranky, and bitchy on top of it...not a good combination. I felt sooo bad for everyone. But mostly me.

I was so utterly exhausted after work, that I nearly called to cancel. But I knew I had it to do. And I didn't want to.

So I went there...and I had him put on the kettle so I'd have tea when I got there. We chatted for about 35 minutes about silly stuff. Had a lovely visit. I really enjoyed it. So much, that I nearly didn't bring it up. But I knew I had to.

****

This is enough for tonight, I'm soooo tired, and I have to be up for work in about 4 hours...so I'm heading to bed. I'll finish up another time. And let you know, so that if you care, you can read it. And if you don't? You can skip ahead.

******

Also...I'm not looking for 'you should do this' or 'you know what your problem is?' or 'oooh..plenty of fish in the sea'. If you MUST say something? "Oh dear. That stinks. I'm sorry." will suffice. I WILL delete comments on this post that I find personally offensive. I'm sorry to say that, I shouldn't let it bother me...but the comments on this do. As I feel particularly stupid in this situation, and I'm hurt, and humiliated, and confused, and lonely, and sad...and any number of emotions that I can't even label right now.

Thanks.

I need to get my drink on...

And in other news...

...I am now single again, and without a best friend. I am incredibly sad. I am very disappointed. And I am somewhat humiliated. However, I am no longer guessing.

And although I'm sad, and disappointed, and yes, humiliated--I'm much happier at least KNOWING stuff.

Nothing is so horrible as what one imagines. It's much better to SAY things than it is to wonder about them.

But oh my...am I sad. And tomorrow, or the next day, or both...and for quite some time to come...I am certain that I will be very, VERY lonely. I kind of already am.

***

And. I had a shitty day anticipating being single. And it would have been a shitty day anyway. And I have about 4 hours worth of work to do before I can go to bed. And it's 1:14 am and my guts are still churning the way they have been for over 24 hours now...although they're better than they were.

So...I'm off to do my work. I may be back. It depends how much focus I can garner between here and there. I also have to work again at 6 am...did I mention that part yet?

***

I have been considering for the last couple of hours taking my first sick day EVER...because I don't think everyone else can stand a day of me being as miserable at work as I was today. And I'm off all weekend, so I'll have lots of time to mope and mull and get happier. Or at least drunker. Fuck. Oh well.

At least I wouldn't be lying about being sick...I'm sick in my heart. And in my stomach.

More tomorrow. After Gaelic.

Aloha!

I'm posting my draft from the other day, just because it's there and it's a history of what I did last week. It's not complete, and I won't be completing it. It's just There. So...yeah.

4/16/07 8 8:21 am
********

No, I'm not going to Hawaii. I only wish it were so.

So...two Thirstdays ago we ended up having a spontaneous party at my house after beer night. Tracey and Brent and Bill and I went out, then after Bill's buddies Damian, Shane, and Shane's brother stopped by and drank more beer. We had a good time. Friday (Good Friday) was pretty much a write off, but as I was lucky enough to not have to do anything, it was a nice afternoon.

Easter Sunday brought with it caffeine. Copious amounts. I think I'm STILL jittering from the overload!

This past Thursday, Bill went out with some folks from school, so I was on my own. I hit the corner with my Gaelic books and chatted and studied up a storm. I had a great time once I was there...it's just such a challenge to DECIDE to go somewhere alone and then to actually GET there. Once I'm there, it's always fine, and usually fun.


**********

Oh.

My heart is in my throat right now. I can't finish the draft post I had going, because it was REALLY happy and cheery about stuff that I am currently in shock about.

I don't know if I can go to sleep tonight without dealing with this, and it's a bit late to be doing that tonight. So....yeah. Updates tomorrow or Friday. I have plans for Friday, but those may have to change drastically. I am not feeling particularly cool right now.

Happiness is...

...BOOTS!

I'd forgotten how fantastic trudging through snowbanks can be when you're wearing knee-high boots! It's not so cold out, and if you're bundled and ready? Snowbanks are a blast! The snow outside is that thick, heavy, scrunchy kind. It's the kind that stinks for skiing, but is PERFECT for snowman-making.

The only problem is that the sun is shining so brightly, that any snow persons would melt very quickly.

I may just have to build one anyway...and time his/her/its demise! :)

Is there anything that screams renewal and rejoicing more than a beautiful field of thick white snow? People can complain all they want about the snow today...I'm looking at it as a reminder of what Easter is all about.

Alleluia...he is risen indeed!

Happy Easter Sunday, people. :)

View from my back deck tonight...

...So pretty.
















...So snowy.

















...So not Springlike.

Remember me?

This is Cathy--the bitch that invented wallpaper. She lived on my (now-defunct) water cooler for a while. I will miss her.
*******************************************************************************

So I've had this block for a couple of weeks. I keep wanting to post, opening new posts, saving things in the Drafts folder.

I keep going back to them...not remembering what direction I was going with them, and then I summarily delete them.

Here I am. Posting. Because it's the only way to get rid of the junk in my head...and also the best way to get past a post-block.

What's been going on you ask? The usual, I reply.

Work. Beer. Home. Home. Home. Lots of home.

Friday night was nice...nothing was going on, so Bill came over late-ish (10:30 or so) and we watched Turistas. The movie sucked, but it was really nice to have him here. He always seems a bit uncomfortable in my space though, which makes me a little sad.

I had all of last weekend off, and spent almost ALL of it inside my apartment. I left the apartment briefly on Sunday night to go to the park for a couple of hours, and the gym for an hour and a bit. That was awesome. But then I went back to my apartment.

Oh, I had big plans on Saturday morning. I was up and dressed and mobile by 11. I'd been showered, clothed, and smooched soundly (always a good thing). I intended to wander downtown...I'd intended to hit the park. I'd intended to run some errands, and make it to a ceilidh downtown at the Speakeasy by 2. (Padraig was playing!)

And my plan derailed. For no reason other than Me. What ALWAYS happens to my plans...I just don't know what to do about it. I got sidetracked doing absolutely NOTHING. I frigged around in my apartment for hours...I did bake some biscuits, but that took a whole hour out of my day. Then it was suddenly 4, and it was too late to go to the Ceilidh...because I'm poor, so I didn't want to pay $10 to get in for just a couple of hours.

I wanted to go out, so called around and around...but all my friends are either paired up or knocked up, so nobody was around. I couldn't even be bothered to drag my ass to the gym. (In my couple of week absence here, I've also been slacking large at my gym-going...been getting there, but rarely.)

So I sat home. I watched a couple of movies, and I sold my soul to Facebook. (Yeah, yeah...I resisted for months, but all it took was Billy to send me an invitation and I caved like a chocolate bunny in the hands of a 4 year old boy.) I was going to go Out on my own, but much as I enjoy being out, and listening to the music, I really HATE sitting at the bar by myself and having to be nice to creepy men who think I'm there for them. And I already felt like a loser because I had no friends to go out with, I didn't really want to sit alone at the bar and feel like even MORE of a loser.

Sunday was another gorgeous day. I cleaned my kitchen. I scrubbed my floor. I did some laundry. I didn't leave the house until almost 4:00 pm. I made a point of not turning on my computer until around 2 PM though, as I know that is how I waste so much of my time and energy...reading all of YOUR blogs. You guys are fascinating, but you're sucking the life out of me, and I need to exhibit some freaking self-control.

I went to Point Pleasant Park and wandered around for a couple of hours. It was amazing. It was such a glorious day...and the park was so amazing. The weather was sunny, the air was warm but crisp, the wind was virtually non-existent, and the water was calm. I patted no less than 4 wonderful dogs. I was reminded (and just in time!) of why it is that I'm so glad to live in this province.

I LOVE this province. I love looking out at the ocean...and seeing the little houses backed up to the harbour. I love looking at the Marinas and the government wharves. I feel Home when I smell the salty, musty air first thing in the morning, or blowing in off the water when I'm on the shore. It was a good trip to the park.

Then, I reminded myself that part of why I was feeling like a slug is that I had been ACTING like a slug, so I hauled my ass to the gym for an hour and a half. It was good. I felt fantastic afterward, actually.

Monday at work sucked ass.*

But then I was off Tuesday...so it should have been great! But that means that I have had 4 days out of the last 5 off. And I've done NOTHING. I've not been out, I've not been social, I've not been productive, and I've not been very HAPPY.

*There's a lot of crap going on right now...it's all of my own making, and it sucks. See the rest of this post to see why.

***

So today was not a great day. And the fact that I KNOW why it wasn't a great day doesn't make this any easier to understand.

Once every year and a half or so (don't think I'm this in-tune with my psyche, it's taken a lot of self-reflection to figure out a time line) things in my life start to spin completely, wildly, and irretrievably out of control.

I usually, I think, have a pretty good grasp on the goings on of my life. Professionally, I am pretty much on top of stuff. I can keep up with my bills, albeit in a scrimp, scratch, and scrape together sort of way. I have a home, I have stuff, I have clean clothes, and I feed myself. I am usually a very cheery person.

In fact, I am usually the sort of person that annoys the piss out of people. If you ask me how I am? My answer is always 'Faaantastic!' (It used to be 'Excellent!' but then that annoying Atlantic Lotto commercial came out, and now I'm just 'Faaaantastic, thanks!') I am eternally cheerful. I am constantly smiling, I am bouncy, and have ridiculous amounts of energy.

This is why when I am actually having a rough time, I don't deal well with it. Most of the time, people don't know. I'm a pretty good actress. If you can tell? It's usually because I WANT you to be able to tell. You must be one of the very few people that I am even remotely interested in letting in a little bit. You are a very special person, because I'm prepared to let myself look weak in front of you. And to me? That's what it is...it's showing my weakness. And I'm SOOO not good at that.

So every couple of years, everything starts to spin wildly out of control. And I mean EVERYTHING. The feeling starts with one thing, but then everything else in my life seems to get sucked into the vortex of evil and spins and whirls around me like a tornado. I always manage to walk around in the eye of the storm, with my house, my dog, and the witch on the bicycle whirling madly around me. I trudge through my day, going through the motions, all the while hoping that nobody notices the green lady with the big hat cycling about my ears cackling maniacally all the way.

I am a control freak. I find the juxtaposition of this fact with my messy house, my crazy finances, and my otherwise messed up life to be a bizarre source of constant bemusement. I hate it when I can't make things work out exactly how I want them to. I don't spend a lot of time THINKING about this stuff, but sometimes it forces itself on me. Bare facts, folks, are hard to avoid.

I LIKE to control my environment. I like to have people think I know what's going on. I love that people count on me to help solve their problems. I do this for a living, and I'm pretty good at it. But sometimes? Sometimes I need someone to fix ME. And this becomes very evident to me every couple of years.

I always, before, thought that it was just a by-product of change in my life. Because this feeling usually coincides with me moving to a new city and starting a new job. I have always been able to pass off this lack of control as an inevitable side effect (or unfortunate harbinger) of change. Not so much this time. This time? I have to face it for what it is. A funk of serious proportions.

Partly it's because I spent too much time sitting alone in my apartment. But I think that part of the reason I spent so much time sitting alone in my apartment is because I get to a point where I'm afraid to move. I become paralyzed (not literally)(well, maybe literally) with dread...a dread that if I DO something, I'm only going to make things worse instead of better. I worry that I'm going to NOT accomplish something at work, or that I'm going to SAY something stupid to a friend, or that by NOT calling someone yet again, or worse--by *actually* calling them, I'm going to actually break that camel's proverbial back.

I think that the worst part of all this, is that I've never before mentioned any of it to anybody. I just trudge along, with the winds howling, and the monkeys flying, hoping that things will get better. And they usually do, eventually.

For some reason, though, this time I'm not so sure.

This is the same funk that I get into every year when I take my vacation and I don't have anything planned. I fritter away my days, kicking myself the whole time for not DOING something. I need to DO things and ACCOMPLISH things every day, or I feel that it's not worth getting out of bed. And honestly? Even if I DO manage to do something? It's still a major cost-benefit analysis that usually leans to the side of Bed.

I am in a funk. It's a funk of major proportions. I am working at getting out of it. Because it hasn't been here the whole time I've been away, honest. It's really just been brewing for the last week, and it really only just got serious over the weekend. And it WILL get better--so I'm not looking for sympathy, or empathy, or even a 'cheer up, L'il Buckeroo!'...I don't know what I'm doing. I think I'm just sharing. And that's new for me.

Anyway.

In other news... :)

I found my cousin on Facebook, and a girl I went to Elementary School with (Chrissy, remember Debbie B?), and am obsessed with looking at the snapshots of people I know (and lots of people that I don't).

Have I ever told you how much I love looking at photos? I do. I don't even care if I know the people. I just like to see people in interesting places, making interesting faces, and feeling things. I like to imagine I know what they were thinking, and feeling, and experiencing. It's a small slice of a life less ordinary than mine. Even if it's far more dull in it's reality than mine...in my imagination it's that much more real.

In other news--

My water cooler exploded. I came home one night last week to hear "BLURGLE!" I thought it was a bit odd, but continued doing my GettingHomeFromWork thing. Later, while I was starting supper, I heard it again, this time more persistently, "BLUUUUURGLE!!!!"

I looked over to the cooler, and saw nothing out of the ordinary. I walked over to it to check and see if perhaps I'd left the dispensing button slightly depressed, causing air to infiltrate the parts. I had not. But somewhere underneath the machine, in the dark bowels of it's inner wiring, something had given up the ghost. There was an ocean on my floor, and a puddle under the cooler.

I immediately unplugged the machine. I didn't want ANOTHER fire in the same complex in less than a month. I then swore loudly, threw a tea-towel at the quickly advancing tides, and picked up the machine--1/2 full water-bottle and all. I ran (read: walked quickly yet awkwardly) to the bathroom with the machine and it's contents...dripping the entire way. We stopped when we hit the bathtub, where I deposited the works. I removed the water bottle as quickly as I could so as to minimize the gushing waters escaping it's narrow neck. Then, I tipped over the cooler, hoping to drain as much as possible from its insides.

Stupid machine. I loved that machine.

It's still sitting on my bathroom floor because I haven't quite figured out what to do with it. Bastard. It was the best Christmas present I ever got, besides this computer. And now? I'm without a dispensing system. And I'm sad about that. Instead of my nightly 4 or 5 cups of plain hot water, I'm relegated to drinking green tea instead. And while it's good...it's not as good for me as just plain old water. I miss my cooler. Oh well...one day I'll be rich and can buy myself a new one.

That's not likely to be any time soon though. I have a long list of minor (and not so minor) car repairs that are not currently happening because I'm freaking broke. It's actually a very good thing I didn't go out on Saturday, as I couldn't have afforded it anyway. Bill went to the Speak, and from the limited information I received as to the rest of the night, I could DEFINITELY not have managed to keep up in a fiscal manner. (I'd have made an excellent DD though. I'm usually also quite a good sport about it--as I don't mind being surrounded by drunks so long as they're funny and not arseholes about it.)

It's 1:35 am and I have to be at work tomorrow/today for 6:30. Big day of getting beaten up by the boss' boss. He's in his 'coaching' mode, where he picks on me for a while in what he believes is an encouraging manner to teach me the wonderful ways of retail. It's supposed to be good for my career development. I look at it as a character building experience. In the terms that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Or makes me a felon...whichever. Because what doesn't kill me? Leaves me angry and bitter and riddled with an overwhelming desire to kill YOU. So if I'm not in jail at the end of the day tomorrow, I'll be the strongest su'm'bitch you'll ever meet.

It's Wednesday. I haven't seen the boy since early Saturday. I made him tell me he likes me tonight on MSN, but somehow it loses something in the text-to-head translation. Particularly when you have to TELL them to say it. Even when they know you're not having a great day.

I know he means it, but it's been almost 2 weeks since he SAID it, and I'm all about the words. I know that I'm the one that has to be stubborn if I want this to work, and I do...because I'm Happy here. But it's hard to remember to be the strong one when you're feeling particularly shitty, and kinda down, and fairly un-special to start with.

Wanna know something that made me crazy-silly-happy? *grin* I knew you did. It's stupid. But it made me grin. And it still does. So much, in fact, that I log in just to look at it. Facebook. (Yeah, I know...I'm 12 years old, get over it!) He put 'in a relationship' without prompting. Yeah, yeah--shuddup. It's cute, dammit! :P

And while I'm being all high-school (nay, elementary school) about stuff, he also called me his 'girlfriend' in a conversation at which I was not present...because he said it again when he was telling me about it. *grin* So I know I shouldn't question stuff...but I do.

I think it's a direct result of telling myself every day for 6 months that he DIDN'T like me and that I was mis-reading and mis-interpreting signals...so that now? I question everything, even though I am trying really hard not to. It's why I need the words. I try really hard to use lots of words myself, and I think that perhaps it makes him a little uncomfortable...but I'm afraid that if I don't use my words, he's not going to see that it's really an indicator of what *I* need.

Argh. This stuff should be so much easier. And it would be, if I wasn't so stressed out about everything else in my life being shit at the moment. I don't know what I'm doing with ANY of it. And that's scary as hell.

Yikes...2 AM. This is NOT going to make my day at work tomorrow any better! Woopsie. At least I have Gaelic tomorrow night...that's always fun. I'll have to remember to pack some clothes and my books as well as a lunch. Yikes--that just made getting out of bed 30 minutes sooner. I'm out of here folks! Have a Wonderful Wednesday!