Wow. Titles suck bad.

I'm neither creative enough nor exciting enough to come up with consistently good titles. At least I'm reliable enough to come up with consistently BAD titles. There's something to be said for a sense of constancy. Yeah, so my moms the one that said it...so what? That doesn't mean it's not TRUE.

Wow...Wednesday since I gave you a real post. Lots has transpired since then...I'll attempt an update.

The debris from the fire is now completely cleared away, and all that's left is a backhoe and a concrete foundation pad. There were 4 sets of residents with no insurance in a 12 unit complex. Which boggles my mind, when it comes right down to it. How on EARTH could people let themselves be in that position? I know that money gets tight, and insurance seems like it's a waste...but for $15 a month for contents on a 2 bedroom unit? How could you NOT find the cash? That's not even as much as a coffee every day for a week.

Anyway...there may be a benefit dance being held at Dr.Sharpe's Roadhouse (across the street!) this weekend. I'll let you know as the details are finalized.

K-- is doing well, and came back to work today. She was pleased to get back into a semblance of normal routine. As yet, we're not sure what she's going to need...but should have a better idea by the end of the week when they move into the new place.

On the boy front, things are cooking right along too. *beam*

Tuesday was a very good start. Thursday? Proved to be a very solid foundation. I am so incredibly happy, it's ridiculous. So happy, in fact, that I keep waiting for a piano to land on my head or something. That's what happens in the cartoons, isn't it? Just as the star gets exactly their heart's content, something big and dramatic and tragic happens to snatch it from their grasp? Except that in this case? I think there'd be two of us working to avoid the piano.

Thursday we went to Beer, and had a blast. And there was touching from across the table. And then there was smooching as I went to drop him off. And there was much cuddling. And I told him he should take this opportunity to get this weeks obligatory 'I like you' out of the way--so he did, but did he ever come through! Flying colours, I have to say. And then there was the sweetest thing EVER a boy could say. Well, to me, anyway. And this boy. I should probably be more precise in my words. "I know it's late, but it would be really nice to wake up next to you in the morning." {melt} So, hells yeah, I threw the car in reverse and parked that puppy!

Good, good days.

And I worked Thursday night, and Friday night, and Saturday at the crack of dawn. But I got out earlyish, and made it to the gym...which was GOOD. And I dropped some things off at a customer's house on my way home, which made her really happy.

So Saturday was Saint Patrick's Day....and I didn't log in, which is a shame, because I missed the festive festing being done by this guy, and this guy, and their collectively lovely wives...but I'm hoping to catch up with them some time before NEXT March. Something tells me I'd have had a GREAT time mocking the band with them...

But I had a great time anyway, because I met up with Bill and his pals, and we went downtown to the Speakeasy. It used to be a regular pub, and is no longer. Now there's a fellow that uses it to host huge 'private' parties, and it's a blast. I'd been invited by a guy that *I* know, so it was funny to end up there with a bunch of people that I didn't already know.

Patrick and his girlfriend were playing there, and the music was grand. We missed their set, as they were on quite early in the evening, but there was music all night long. Pat sang some songs later in the evening, and he was amazing. It was grand.

Bill and I had a great time. There was much hand-holding, lots of close standing, and while we were attempting to catch the last bus home there was even some hugging and rather harmless smooching. This made him embarrassed but I told him to suck it up. I pointed out that there were no small children on the street at 1 am, and if there were? They'd certainly seen smooching before. Silly boy's going to have to get used to some minor PDAs. He seems to enjoy them, he's just worried all the time.

So yeah...I'm firmly ensconced, and he appears to be too. He tells me so, so I have to believe him.

It was a bit funny, I mentioned to him on Sunday morning that I noticed he hadn't read the blog in quite a long time. He said that it was because he was a little bit scared to. Which was adorable. Although it might have made my life a bit easier if he'd read my brazen declaration of like instead of making me actually TELL him about it. Heh.

I can't believe how giddy I am about this. It's quite silly, but I really, REALLY am enjoying it. I guess I don't mind being that silly, because I'm telling all of you quite willingly and that's decidedly out of character for me.

I'm not even worried about 'jinxing' things by talking about it so publicly this time, because I know that it's going to be okay. It's amazing what working from the basic knowledge that he really, REALLY likes you will do for your confidence levels. None of the constant second-guessing and hemming and hawing and inner turmoil that ravaged me last time...now it's just a consistently happy, warm, inner-glow while I look forward to the next time we get to see one another.

I'm off to Moncton tomorrow for a 2 day course on Kitchens--designing, planning and selling. Should be interesting. I haven't had the opportunity to go on course in quite a while, so I'm looking forward to it a bit. I will get to meet new people and catch up with some old friends. Always a good time for me.

The stinky part about going on course, is that I may not be back in time for Ghaidhlig on Wednesday. This makes me quite sad, but I figure I should be back by 7:30, which means I could sit in on the advanced Beginner class and still learn something. So that's my plan. 'Course it means I have to study in the car, but I'm sure that won't be such an issue.

...and when will I get to see the boy again? That's the question that really matters at this juncture. Smitten. I said it before, and I'll say it again. I'm seriously smitten with this man.

G'night folks...back Wednesday!

Unconscious Mutterings - Week 215

1. San Francisco :: Rice-A-Roni


2. Sadness :: infinite
   


3. Spirits :: high!


4. Harriet :: the Spy!


5. State :: the obvious


6. John :: john, the leprechaun


7. Offense :: defence


8. TImeless :: beauty


9. Account :: for it
   


10. Refuse :: to quit

Again, if you'd like to play you can get the code or your list of words at Subliminal LunaNina!

People.

You know how some days people really piss you off?

Today's not one of those days. Today's the kind of day where you kinda shake your head in wonder at how AMAZING people can be.

After yesterday's fire a lot of things came to light.

1. My friends and co-workers are amazing.

2. My homeless friend had a lapse in her otherwise excellent judgement, which caused her home insurance policy to lapse. She has no insurance, and now no home.

3. My company is pretty darn amazing.

4. Bloggers are amazing.

Let's take these points in order, however difficult it may be to not skip over #1 to get to the glaringly stupid #2.

1. My friends and co-workers are amazing.

They are. In order to help out our now homeless office manager, we started collecting donations today. We began, just randomly and not in any sort of organized way, at 8 am. By 11 am we were able to give K--- $450. That's just out of pockets. By 4 pm we'd gathered almost $1000. Amazing.

And we have plans in place to gather more. We have several stores locally, and each store is putting together fundraisers and donation jars to try and pitch in.

On top of that? Our CEO is matching all cash donations made by staff, dollar-for-dollar. I work in a good place, with some amazingly generous people.

Which brings us to #2.

2. My otherwise very intelligent coworker K--- has absolutely no insurance.

She owned her unit, which they just re-mortgaged recently. Hopefully the Condo-corp is responsible for rebuilding the BUILDING part, and she will just have to replace contents out of her own pocket...but I'm not sure how it works when you OWN your condo. I have always rented, so it's never been a concern for me.

But what this means in real terms, is that she is not only homeless, but she has no possessions, and no funds with which to get any. She will be paying a mortgage on a home that no longer exists, and that she is unable to live in. This will make it incredibly difficult to pay rent in any other location she may need to live in the meantime.

This information is NOT public knowledge yet at the store, she let it slip to a couple of us...so we have not yet been able to share the information. Consider yourselves on the inside scoop...and sworn to secrecy until further notice. This will apply to point #3 also...as I'm going to tell you other stuff you shouldn't know.

3. My company is pretty darn amazing.

As I mentioned in #1, our CEO has agreed to match any cash donations made by staff to the K--- fund on a dollar-for-dollar basis. The last time we did any fundraising for someone, we raised over $10K on our own. This was a substantial help to the family in need (very serious and unfortunately terminal medical troubles). Particularly when doubled quietly in the background.

Additionally, and completely on the QT, our CEO called K--- to explain that we own a house somewhere in Sackville. And it is currently empty. While the house is unfurnished, and is nothing terribly fancy, it is empty. And that if she wants it, it is available to K--- and her husband at no charge for however long she needs it. Be it 3 weeks, or be it a year. This is NOT public knowledge, and as it stands now, only 3 people at work know about it. But it definitely gives me faith in the fact that I work for a good company.

4. Bloggers are amazing.

I received several e-mails today from local and semi-local blog-stalkers offering household goods and other assistance. You guys are amazing. And I'll definitely let you know what's what as soon as there's any information. I know that K--- will appreciate it, and I know that I already do.

There was a me eting of the condo-corp and the recently displaced this afternoon, but I'm not sure what came of it yet. One of the neighbours is going to let me know if there are any other people in need of help, and we're going to do something here in the complex. So if there's any other people in the same boat as K---, I'll be sure to let you know that too.

Thanks so much for your very generous offers of help--for a total stranger. That's one of the most wonderful things about living here--in this city, in this province, and in this country--the incredibly generous nature of people when other people are in need.

***
As a bit of background...that building had 12 units spread over 3 stories. Each was a 2 bedroom unit, all privately owned condominiums. Most of the units were inhabited by couples in their late 60s and early 70s. My friend K--- and her husband were by FAR the youngest couple in the building at 45(ish) years old.

K-- was devastated last night, not just by the loss of her home, but also by the thought that her cats had perished in the blaze. When the excavators knocked down the burning walls, someone claimed they saw pets scatter. Last night K--- was able to find one cat, but the other was missing. K--- thought she'd never see him again.

This morning the cat was found huddled inside the communal firepit in the commons area. He was scratched up and terrified, but he was checked out by the vet and is none the worse for wear. (The vet, God bless them, did the check-up and patch-up for free.) Unfortunately, 3 other cats and a dog DID perish in the fire. Only K---'s pets survived.

***

That's about it for tonight. I'm pooped, and I work tomorrow night, Friday night, and out Saturday night...it's a busy week. With me working Sunday, and hosting a baby-shower on Sunday night. I'm not sure when I'm going to have time to launder and bake, but I suppose that has to be done as well in there.

And everybody knows that tomorrow's Thirstday, so I won't even be able to stay up late and make cookies!

I've got work stuff to blab about tomorrow or Friday, but today just didn't seem like the time.

G'night folks :) Happy Thirstday!

Now, we are Six.

There was a huge fire tonight in the town where I live, out on the 'skirts of Halifax. It was so close to my house, that I couldn't go home tonight.

There are 7 buildings in my complex. Well, there were. Now, we are Six.

I came out of work tonight just after 5, and across the sky I could see billowing clouds of thick black smoke. I looked toward the smoke and thought, "wow, Sackville's burning and I'm all out of marshmallows!" Then I immediately thought, "traffic's going to be a real bitch going home!" So I went to the gym.

Now, before you think me callous, I was planning to go to the gym already. And while I was concerned for the people who would be affected, I didn't really give them or their plight a whole lot of thought.

The gym was packed, as seems to be usual on Tuesdays around suppertime. It's odd, but I'm beginning to notice a pattern and can usually avoid the most horrible of the crowds.

I worked out for an hour and a half, slightly more, perhaps. I then changed back into my uniform and headed for home. Now, I'd been listening to the radio whilst working out. I couldn't QUITE hear what was going on, but I knew the fire was in Bedford, at the intersection where I live. There are a lot of houses and buildings there, so I wasn't really all that worried. I thought to myself, 'oh...bet that's MY house. Oh well, can't do anything about it' a couple of times. But I wasn't really serious.

I asked another woman in the dressing room if she'd heard anything about it...because I THOUGHT as I was heading into the changeroom I heard the name of my actual complex on the radio...but it was vague, and I couldn't quite hear it. The lady hadn't heard it, and nobody seemed to care...so I randomly mentioned that I thought my house might be on fire.

I headed to the car. I hit the highway for home, and heard that the traffic was still backed up and to proceed with caution. So I did...I took my exit, and drove toward my building, where I was waved off by a cop. He forced me to take a detour all around greater Bedford, coming nowhere near my home. I tried going around, catching the highway up an extra exit and coming back down to Bedford from Sackville. No dice. But I DID see that it was actually a blue building on fire....one of MY buildings. But I couldn't quite see which one. At this point, I actually began to be concerned. But still only mildly...as there was very little I could actually DO about it. Things had been fully engulfed at 5, by 7:30 I'm sure it was too late for ME to help with anything.

So I did what anybody would do in the same situation. I went to the mall. I checked my cell to call people, and Lynn had left me 2 calls...one was a message saying 'hey, um...don't panic, but I think your house is on fire.' And the second was "sorry if I panicked you, it's not YOUR house, but it's one of those houses...the one by the pool, I think. Call me!"

So I did, and she was able to tell me that on the news it had showed the building and it was definitely not mine. That actually gave me a sense of relief, so I was more tense about it than I had thought. It was nice to know I was not homeless, even though I could not go home.

So I went to the mall, and had some of the most delicious pizza on earth...and called Bill. He came to meet me at Finbar's and we had a couple of drinks while I waited to be able to go home.

It was a nice time. And he drove me across the parking lot to my car. Whereupon I asked him if I was supposed to kiss him or not before I got out. He got all awkward and uncomfortable and said "I dunno." So I rephrased..."Do you WANT me to kiss you or not?" And again an awkward "Umm....I dunno." And I nearly bolted.

But I didn't, and there was some awkwardness...and he tried to make me go away. And I nearly did...but then I didn't. And I am soooo glad that I didn't. And I don't intend to. And he didn't WANT me to, so I refuse. And I shall, henceforth, be called Jack....because of my terrier-like determination to grasp tightly to things which are pleasant to me. I will not be scared off by your facade. So there.

Anyway....That's all I'm going to say about that, except that I'm crazy about this boy, and I made a point of telling him so. And I know that he likes me back, because we're good kissers. :) Oh yeah, and because he told me so. :)

** back to our regularly scheduled story **

It took a bit longer than usual to leave, but I did, and then I came home. And I pulled up to a Red Cross truck parked at the side of the road, and firetrucks parked in my parking lot. There were about 20 firemen milling around in the parking lot in full rubber gear. They were waiting in case something else sparked up. But I asked if I could go home to my house, and they said it was okay...so I did. But I also said "Thank you very much, for keeping me safe" And two of them smiled wide, and one said 'you're welcome!' and the others looked at me funny. So I figure it was way worth it. :)

The worst part of the story...is that Kathy is homeless. My office manager's condo is missing. The buildings have 4 units per floor, three floors per building. Her entire side of her building has been razed. She has no home, no furniture, no clothes, and no stuff. I hope her cats got out alive. I hope her boyfriend made it out, too. But it's a horrifying thing to know that she has no home.

I emailed Scott at work right away to let him know not to expect her. I don't know where she is, but I'm assuming she's at her neice's house. I'll start a fund for her tomorrow, I'm sure she'll need it. What a horrible thing to happen.

Anyway....I feel terrible for the people in that building, and yet so relieved that it's not me. And then I feel bad about feeling relieved. And when I'm done feeling bad about that, I feel pleased about Billy, and knowing that I get to keep him. And I feel grateful that he came out to keep me company while I was temporarily without shelter. And I feel shallow for being so pleased about that, but it's not shallow to be grateful for the man you're in serious like with, is it?

*hugs* Night folks...more tomorrow. I'm exhausted right now.

Look ma! No net!

Oh my.

I had a wonderful time on Friday getting trashed at Tracey & Brent's. But I had an even more wonderful time wrestling for the electric blanket, snuggling on the sofa, and smooching with B.

I am not really sure how we got there, but we did. And I was looking up at him, and being astonished that we were where we were, and being terrified that I was going to fuck it all up. And I asked something inane about what we were doing there....and I looked up at him, and whispered 'You know, I REALLY like you, right?' and he whispered back, "I really like you, too."

And then we kissed some more. And then I said "I really like looking at you" as I touched his face...and he said 'I like looking at you, too'. And then we kissed some more.

And then we went to sleep next to each other. And it was good.

And Saturday we got up, and all ate breakfast together. And that was fun.

And then he drove me home (we only took one car there). And I got out to get my beer from the trunk, and he got out too. Which he didn't need to do, but he did. And that was kinda nice...but it made me feel awkward for a few seconds.

Until he leaned down and kissed me again. *beam*

And I said, "Oh, so that's it then...okay." And put down my stuff and kissed him back some more. And that was awesome.

And then I told him I wanted a hug...just because I did. So we hugged. And I remembered how much taller than me he is. Because you forget that stuff when you make a point of not standing very close to someone.

And then I went inside and began obsessing.

Saturday didn't bring much worrying, I was still basking in being content and astonished and happy.

But today? Today brought with it anxiety, and tension, and fretfulness. I know, I'm an idiot. I should just accept things as they are, and be happy about that, and move on. I shouldn't worry and fret and imagine. But I do.

Lynn came over for supper tonight, and I made a really awesome Wild Mushroom Strudel that I ripped the recipe out of a magazine for. (what an awkward sentence!) I will do it again, but I have some recipe tweaks planned. After I perfect it, I'll post the recipe for all of you. It's amazing.

So we split a bottle of wine...which was lovely...and chatted, and gabbed. And I told her about my Friday/Saturday.

And I should have gone to bed hours ago, but what with my 10 hours of sleep last night, and the stupid time change, I've been wired. Which worked out well, because Quinn is awake and has been keeping me company.

By keeping me company, I mean to say 'talking some sense into me'. He's suggested that I take a chill-pill and loosen the fuck up. He's suggested that I should not worry so much about 'does he like me' and worry more about 'does he know that I like him'. And he's right. I'm a coward, and I am not that way in any other aspect of my life. So I need to make a move on my own.

Because I REALLY like this boy. I've been not saying it for months now. And I've been trying to talk myself out of it, because I didn't think he liked me. And maybe he doesn't, but I'm pretty sure that he does. Because I'm going to just take the bull by the horns and let him know. And admit it out loud to everybody else; thereby admitting it to the most important person of all--myself.

And I will make an effort to try to not read things into his actions or lack thereof. I will focus on tangible things...like the fact that he was jealous of me last week. And that he kissed me on Saturday morning.

Because we're pretty damned good kissers together. :)

Happy week folks. Cross your fingers for me...this is a pretty flimsy limb I'm hurling myself out onto. And I'm doing it without a net.

Unconscious Mutterings - Week 214

1. Contribution :: participation


2. Ryan :: Jesus-boy


3. Minimal :: tiny


4. Cleansed :: javex


5. Centered :: self


6. Arrow :: direction


7. Beyond :: nirvana


8. Execute :: complete


9. Intuition :: impulse


10. Apology :: sorry

As always, you can play too...go to Subliminal Luna Nina for more details and your own list of words!

Slacky-slacky.

I have been. I continue to be.

I worked this week. I went to the gym 4 times so far. I went for beer on Thursday. I had a couple of really informative and revelatory conversations this week.

I had my performance review at work (apparently, I rock...if there was ever any doubt).

I went last night to Tracey's to drink excessive quantities of liquor with her & Brent, and Billy-boy. We did consume. There was much laughing. Joanna stopped by for a little bit. There was more laughing. There was more consuming. Then, at about 5 am we went to bed. Then, at about noon, we ate bacon. It was good.

I had an absolutely lovely time. I am currently in a very happy place, and perhaps I will share it with you later, but for right this moment, it's just for me to sit here and be smugly content about. And content is exactly what I am at the moment. :)

Visiting my buddy Gym.

I've been spending a lot of time lately, visiting my friend Gym. We have a love/hate relationship, Gym and I. I dread going to see him, because it's always so much WORK once I get there. We can't just sit, and chill, and have a drink together, and enjoy one another's company. Nooooo. He insists that we are constantly on the move. That we lift this, and push that, and run and run and run. Quite frankly, it's exhausting. But afterwards? It's like how you feel after visiting the dentist. So clean and refreshed, and oddly self-satisfied.

And self-satisfied is exactly how I am feeling after my most recent visits.

In all seriousness, I haven't been pushing myself nearly as hard as I could be. I work harder when Tracey goes with me, but when she's not there? I have a tendency to do cardio until I sweat, then use a bunch of machines, and bail. She forces me to do MORE machines. And MORE stretching. And I force her to do MORE cardio. We push one another. I don't push myself. Until this past week, really. Lately? I've been pushing myself a bit more.

Tracey hasn't been coming with me as often. She had visitors from overseas, then Brent was home, now she's having some family issues going on. So I've been on my own. But I've been oddly motivated. And a couple of days ago, I actually started looking in the mirror. Not my mirror at home, mind you, but the mirrors that are ubiquitous at every gym in the world.

And what I've been seeing is butts. Everywhere. I go to an all women's gym, so it's all girl butts. And I've been comparing. Shuddap! It's natural! I used to look at all the butts and think, Wow...wish mine was like that. But now I look at those self-same butts? And think..wow...I'm almost there. Or even? Sometimes? HA! I look better than that!

It's human nature to compare oneself. When I'm doing this, I'm not doing it to be mean, or to criticize someone else. It's only self-criticism that causes me to compare in the first place.

I've never had a bad body-image, I don't think. But since I've been going to the gym, I've been a lot more aware of how I am shaped, and how my clothes are fitting. I've dropped 13 pounds so far, and I've been accumulating muscle mass. I'm no Arnold Schwarzenegger but I'm certainly a lot more buff than I ever used to be. I have ARM muscles!! I've NEVER had arm strength in my life--well, not since I managed the flooring department, anyway. And never any serious definition. But now? Now I've got a muscle! One on each arm!

I've been doing crunches until my stomach aches. And I KNOW there's muscles under there. And soon? Soon you'll be able to see them. I may even take their picture, if they begin to show their subtle existence in a more prominent way. Lucky you...a peep show!

I feel so good about myself when I come home from the gym. My brain is more relaxed, my muscles are slightly fatigued, I'm not all wired up, and I feel better about myself and my shape. Best of all, I feel relaxed, and calm, and peaceful in my mind.

But.

I don't know how people fit this into their schedules. I try to keep myself busy. I work two nights a week, I have Gaelic class on Wednesday nights. I try to go out with friends whenever an opportunity presents itself. I have a hard time fitting in 4 trips to the gym in a week. That's including Sundays and days off. I live alone.

I have no boyfriend. (yes, I know you're all just as painfully aware of that as am I) I have no kids. I have no pets. Nobody is anxiously waiting for me to come home to them and feed, clothe, cuddle, walk, or nurture them. So for me? It should be easy. And really, when I make the commitment to myself, for the most part it is. But I don't know HOW people with families can do it. I don't know HOW single moms could ever find the time for themselves.

And with the peaceful, rested feeling that regular exercise brings me? I can just imagine that it would be that much more necessary if you had kids you needed to not kill.

There's no real point to this; except to mention how pleased I am with my own progress and how much I wish the same sort of physical well-being for all of you.

Oh yes...and don't forget!!! It's party week, here at Casa Sadie...Pull up a chair, have yourself a beverage, and listen to the tunes. There's popcorn and pretzels on the counter. :)

Tooo-day...

Day off today...slept in like a champ. :)

I had to go in to work at 4 pm to present a new policy at the monthly team meeting, and that was iffy. Alright, but iffy. It's an odd policy, and I'm not 100% behind it, so it was hard to pitch wholeheartedly.

I don't really feel like posting right now, but I want to post. So I'll do it later. Just felt like stopping in to say hello. So hello! :)

*sniff-sniff*

Wow...the air in here...she be clear!

I didn't intend to start a 'conversation' tonight, but I did...and I'm so glad. The snuggies? No longer bunched up. We're back on even ground, and moving ahead. If you're not getting where I'm going with this, or seeing where I came from, that's okay because it's really AllAboutMe(TM) anyway. :)

In other news...boys are even more oblivious than previously imagined. I think a flashing neon sign is required on occasion. Anybody got one I can rent temporarily? And super cheap? I.e. free? No? Okay then...I'll continue sending smoke signals until such time as neon becomes available. :)

Today was an alright day at work. Busy as hell in the afternoon. Slow in the morning. Typical. One person went home sick in the busiest department, one person never showed up in the second busiest department. I was running back and forth trying to cover wherever I could. It was fun, but stressful.

I didn't sleep well last night. Apparently we had a monster thunder and lightening storm. I missed that part of the program, but I was wondering if it had anything to do with the lunar eclipse. Weather patterns, tides, they're all connected to the moon...so it was something that occurred to me. Anybody know? Have any ideas? What, no astro-physicists out there? No meteorologists either?

I’m sorry, I’ve been a terrible party host. But it’s my party, and I can whinge if I want to. And boy have I been! (although, those who have been here for a while know that it pretty much is a constant state of affairs) Go check out the Party! And welcome to all the Party-People in the house! (Just because it's being hosted by 5minutesformom doesn't mean it's all mom blogs! Go read some new people! See some new stuff! Live the adventure! And don't forget to sign the guest-book! Grab some cake on your way out!)

I'm pooped right now, and as I left my cell-phone (read: alarm clock) at work, I still have to go seek out some batteries for my old-fashioned alarm. Unless one of you will be getting up for work in 5.5 hours too, and will just give me a call to make sure I'm up? I'd really appreciate it. :) Thanks! And then call again 10 minutes later, would you, to make sure I actually got out of bed?

Here's hoping that clearer air helps me to sleep better tonight. I'm sure that it will. G'night poppets.

Unconscious Mutterings - Week 213

1. Nude ::
volleyball

2. Support ::
hose

3. Rachel::
at the well

4. Crane ::
derrick

5. Candy bar ::
mounds

6. Material ::
fabric

7. Mind games ::
espionage

8. Eviction ::
looming

9. Produce ::
fruit

10. Joke ::
funny

Word association is fun! You can play too, visit Subliminal LunaNina!

Another exciting night in paradise is upon me, here in the land of nuts and bolts. Today has to have been one of the most boring in recent memory. It was okay because I had things to do, but even the floor staff were bored for the most part.

But tonight, my poppets, tonight was an exciting time.

I don’t know how many of you were aware that there was a full lunar eclipse tonight, but it was super-cool. I didn’t get to take a photo which, had I been thinking, would have been a top priority. It was really beautiful, and incredibly cool—not to mention rare. The only thing cooler would have been if I’d been out in the country to see it instead. It made me a little wistful for being home in Ontario, something which rarely ever happens, but that thought passed as soon as the shadow began to slip from the face of the moon.

The eclipse was amazing, and L-girl has some really cool photos on her blog. As does Wossername. You should check them out.

So as it turns out, I think I’ve put my foot in it. The problem with this blog, is that it’s my diary, without being a diary. I just put my thoughts and feelings out there…things I’d never say to another person, because I’d be afraid of how they’d react. Phrases that, were I going to tell them to someone, I’d be more cautious and judicious in my word choices. However; this is my blog. This is where *I* come to rant when I’m angry, and wallow when I’m sad. I come here to think things through. I’ve always thought better on paper than I have inside my head. And when I’m feeling all emotional and topsy-turvy, I need the clarity of the written word to muddle my way through my troubles.

But I think I’ve put my foot in it. I don’t know exactly what it is that I said to cause the grief, I’m pretty sure I can guess but, as I didn’t intend to cause any grief at all, I could be wrong. I’m hoping to have the opportunity to find out and hopefully fix it. But I may not. And that makes me infinitely sad. There’s no point in crying over milk that I haven’t even spilled yet, but I have a feeling this won’t just blow over.

So if I do get a chance to sort things out, I have a feeling I may have to re-evaluate how I blog. We shall see.

***

I promised you last night to tell you about how Scott and Luke sat drinking together after the manager’s meetings on Monday night.

As it turns out, Luke was named Manager of the Year this year. Pretty good birthday present, I’m thinking. (BTW, I called the store on his birthday. He was busy at the time. I didn’t bother to leave a message. Easier for him to not return it, that way.)

So, Scott was telling me that the two of them ended up sitting in the bar together after everybody else had gone back to the hotel. I have a difficult time imagining the two of them being buddies, and I said as much. I asked him what they had ended up talking about. “You.”

Niiiiice.

I replied with a “well, that must have been a fascinating 5 minutes. Then what did you do for the next two hours?” Apparently talked about how smart I am, and how driven I am to succeed. As I said…a scintillating 5 minutes. It’s a bit off-putting though, actually knowing that people were discussing you. It makes you really want to know what they said, but NOT know…because it could be a little creepy. Anyway, I’m smart enough to let the topic go and never again mention it.

I don’t think that Luke mentioned that we used to date, because I am certain that Scott would NOT have let that go. He’d have pestered me silly, wanting to know every last detail. And there’s really not that many details to share. Except that it was a mistake. A fun mistake, but a huuuuuge lapse in judgement. And now, now we don’t even speak. And we used to be friends. Yet another reason I’m so afraid to really fuck things up with Bill. I can’t imagine not having him in my life, and I don’t want to risk screwing that up too.

...

I have avoided having a beer tonight, because I was hoping to come home and drink the last three in my fridge. I was hoping for a lovely chatty night.

I was supposed to be going to a party in Elmsdale tonight, but I got to skip it due to Tamara’s unfortunate flu. I feel bad that she’s sick, but I really didn’t want to rush home, change, drive to Elmsdale, stay for a couple of hours with people I don’t know that well, then drive home so I could get up and go to work again tomorrow morning. When Tamara called to let me know she wasn’t feeling well, and that they were only going to the party for an hour themselves, I rejoiced a little bit about my Get Out of Jail Free card.

I thought about coming home and drinking my beers and catching up on some blogs, and having a chat or two. But then I saw the addresses in my sitemeter, and I read my comments…and knew that my plan was shot. And since I’m not entirely my emotionally stable self just yet (mostly, but not 100%!) I figured that adding alcohol to the mix wasn’t such a hot plan.

***

Anyway…There’s a lovely party going on this week over at 5minutesformom. You should check it out. It’s not ALL about mommy-blogs, so never fear. You don’t have to read about diapers and daycares if you don’t want to. But it’s a good opportunity to meet some new folks and find some great new reads. Enjoy.

Talk to you tomorrow. After work. And after the gym. And some juicy laundry folding…you get the idea. Happy Sunday!

Oops.

Wow, do I ever get cranky when I lose my post. Particularly when I stay up too late writing it in the first place. All apologies for the many, many, overly emphatic epithets in last night’s post. But…suck it up, buttercups.

I’m at work, and I’m bored. I have had the same pounding headache all day, and that has not helped. I’m tired of people asking me if we’re going to close because of ‘the storm!’ There IS no storm. It is snowing. It is not even snowing hard, yet. It is blowing. It is not even blowing hard, yet.

When I go home tonight, I’ll post about why I was so off last night. I wasn’t THAT off, until Blogger ate my post. Then I was REALLY off—them’s the breaks sometimes.

…..

Perhaps I should explain a little bit about why I was so disturbed in the first place. If you believe in TMI, then you should probably skip this portion and rejoin us again at the bottom of the page. If not, carry on. This is important as to ‘how I work’.

There are 3 days of every month that I am not permitted to make major life decisions. I work hard at not starting fights, or having ‘discussions’, or dealing with anything which might be bordering on too much sensitivity. I cannot be trusted to use good judgement in these situations over a period of 3 days preceding my period. I am too emotional, and far too ‘girly’ for my own good.

I do not get cranky, or grouchy, or miserable as the stereotypes dictate. But I DO get out of sorts. I get overly sensitive to the goings on inside my own head. I get overly emotional (for me) and not nearly as rational as pertains to my personal life as I usually am. It has taken me a long time to figure this out.

You might think that I’d have clued right in after the first time I started a fight with a boyfriend, the first time I got in a tiff with a girl-friend, the first time I broke up with a boyfriend of long standing and then spent the evening crying because of breaking up with said boyfriend over absolutely NOTHING (well, not nothing, but you get the idea), or after the first time I sent hasty emails to ex-roomies because I was bent out of shape about who used the last of the toilet paper and didn’t change the roll – AGAIN. However, I did not.

It has taken me almost 15 years to figure out the exact what and why and when of ‘What the hell is going on with you, anyway!?’ But now that I have figured it out? I tend to stick with my self-imposed rule of not rocking the boat when the tide is high. Nobody likes having to swim in rough waters. And I do have to say that when I’m cranky, there are no waters rougher.

..…

I was looking forward to last night’s outing…I knew it would be a different dynamic, but Pat’s fun, Bill’s fun, I’m fun…it’s a formula for a good time. Except for the unknown variables.

Stupid variables.

Dumb math.

Math ruined my good time.

We got there, things were good. Good times, good tunes, good company. But the first problem (problem #1) happened when I had to choose a seating location. Our new booth was filled with an old man, so we had to sit elsewhere. I chose a table that was too close to the band (problem #2).

We sat close to the band (who all knew Pat, fun!!!) and were able to chat a teeny bit between songs. But it was too loud. And I was on one end, with Pat in the middle, and Bill on the other end.

~~~ Time Warp ~~~

~~~I'm now at home and finishing the post in the wee hours of Saturday morning. ~~~

Where was I? Ah yes--Bill was at the other end of the table...and he's a mumbler (problem #3). So sitting at the wrong end of the table from a mumbler (#3) when the table is under a speaker (#1) isn't all that great for conversation.

It was really noisy (#2) and the band was really good. The music was great, actually. And we were having a good time.

But I was driving. And the boys were drinking. A lot. Which was fine, because I don't begrudge anybody a drink. Except that I had to stop after two. We got there just before 9 this week, which is earlyish for us lately. And the boys drank right through until 12:30. Which doesn't seem like a long time. But that's 8 regular beer for Pat, and 6 pints(?) for Bill. And a whole lot of nothing for me.

At the first intermission, the band stopped, and Bill and Pat grabbed their coats to go outside for a smoke.* I still had about an inch in the bottom of my glass so I wasn't completely forlorn, but pretty close. One of the guys from the band came to sit with me, and we made polite conversation for 10 minutes or so until the boys came back. Then we chatted a bit more, the band started, and we were back to (#2) me not being involved in the conversation because I had no idea what was going on.

I got a Coast and skimmed that while the set was happening. My glass was long since empty.

Next intermission happens...nobody even said so much as a 'see you!' but grabbed their coats and headed for the door. I sat at the table by myself with no drink, not being happy.

So I took my Coast, and went to sit in the comfy leather chair by the pellet stove, and began to actually READ it. I read my way through the intermission, and into the start of the next set. I looked up, the boys were sitting at the table, apparently oblivious to the fact that I wasn't even there anymore. Niice. Yeah, that felt good. But the band was good, and I was curled up in front of the fire...so I sucked it up.

I went back up and sat at the table. Pat said 'Oh...there you are!' We sang along. It was fun. The boys kept drinking. I still had nothing in front of me. (This is where we get the gratuitous reference to Lent, and how one suffers for their cause. I would have gladly killed someone to make it Easter, but I wasn't going to quit and have the cup of coffee that I so richly deserved. And desperately needed.)

At the end of the night, we put on coats. Bill beelined for the door to smoke. Pat said 'where's bill?' I said, "He went on ahead outside so he could get his smoke in before I got out there to give him grief about it." Pat laughed. And it was true. So. *laugh* Anyway. Again, none of my business.

We were all joking and laughing. The boys continued smoking as we stood outside the car. Then I told them they had to air out before they got in. Bill said 'I've got gum!" I said "That's not going to help your clothes!"

We dropped Bill off, who didn't even say goodbye when he got out of the car....he was exhausted as he'd only had 2 hours sleep the night before, and drunk, but it was still sad for me. Especially considering we didn't barely speak all night. Pat commented on it as we were driving away, and I explained how tired B was. Why am I making excuses for someone else? Because I like him, and I care about how other people perceive him. I made excuses for him at Gaelic immersion too. I need to NOT get into this habit. He's not my boyfriend, and it's not my place. He's a grown man who needs to realize that actions have consequences. Anyway. That's another issue altogether. And it's really just mine.

I drove Pat home, and we laughed pretty much the whole way. He really is an entertaining guy.
I came home, and was just a little bit sad. I was melancholy because I was, for all intents and purposes, alone all night at the bar. I look forward to Thirstday all week long. I really enjoy the conversation, and the interaction, and the being out having fun. And I didn't have fun. Some parts of it were great. But for the most part? Not so much. I'd have gone home and had them call me for a ride if I thought they'd have done it. But I know Bill wouldn't have. That, and home was a long way away.

I was also overly emotional to start with yesterday (refer to the top of the post for reminders as to why) which didn't help. But then I was sad, and disappointed, and lonely...and then, when I was typing out a rather decent telling of the course of events, Blogger ate my post. That's when I lost it. I snapped. I became The Champ.

So again, I'm sorry if you all got to see that post filled with swears. But it was how I was feeling when I went to bed last night. No wonder I didn't sleep so well.

I need to sleep now, but I'll post tomorrow about Scott and Luke meeting up at the Manager's Meetings the other day. Apparently they sat in the bar and drank together for a couple of hours and ended up closing the place. Yeah...interesting that was.

Goodnight folks. Thanks for stopping by.

*(Yes, he's smoking again. Apparently just lapsed, but...whatever. None of my business. I was very disappointed, but it's not my issue. At least now I don't feel so bad about a few weeks ago when he had one while I was at his apartment.)

yeah.

I just lost half my fucking post.

Which is likely Karma telling me to quit my fucking whining and go to bed.

I did NOT have a good time tonight. I am fucking hormonal, so it's likely not entirely anybody else's fault, but it's surely a good portion.

I was far more accommodating and kind in the post I just fucking lost, but I fucking lost it, so fucking suck it up.

I love Pat, he's a hoot. But I have wanted nothing more than to come home for the last two hours. And I wanted to cry for the hour and a half before that.

So. Being sober sucks. Being ignored sucks. Being lonely in the pub? Fucking sucks.

And much as I enjoy Pat? Next time if he goes to Thirstday? I'd rather stay the fuck home.

More tomorrow, if I'm still feeling pissy. Which I likely will be. I have 3 days of pissy to enjoy, I may as well share the fucking wealth.

Comments and empathetic sighs should be kept to yourself, or given to the United Way, at this point. I just don't fucking care. But thanks anyway...

It's Thirstday! Again!

Off to the pub. Padraig's coming with us. :) Promises to be a good time...a different kind of time, that's for certain, but definitely good. :)

More later.