Disappointed actually...

Created by OnePlusYou

While this is less than a quarter of the pages, it's still 104% higher than other blogs that have assessed themselves. I'm still quite disappointed.

Fuck.

Pooped!

Yesterday I was so exhausted that I was asleep by 10:45pm. I woke at 6 o'clock with a startled jump when the alarm went off. I didn't know where I was, or why I was getting up. I wasn't sure if it was night-time, day-time, or even what day it was. And then I remembered.

It's visit day. Yesterday was also visit day. Monday night I came home on time, but Tuesday we worked from 7 am until 9:15 pm. I hit my bed around 11 after doing a late-night delivery with my own auto. Yesterday was also a 7-7 day. I didn't stay late, as I was beat.

Tonight, I work until 9:30 pm, but I went in at 7 am. I am home to shower, change clothes, and go back in to wait for the Uber-boss to visit. All reports indicate he's in a foul mood too, so it should be FUN-FUN-FUN! Whee.

I'm at the point where I'd almost welcome getting canned--which is unfortunately unlikely to happen. I am definitely at the point though where I'm finished taking shit for things that are beyond my immediate control, even if they SHOULD be within my control. Circumstances are what they are, and I'm finished (HA! Like this will stick!) taking grief for things like weather, poor supply from vendors, and paying too much for salaries because I'm paying four extra people who are currently out on disability.

It's actually quite liberating to be at this point, even if I AM tired and physically pooped. I've done a lot of really physical stuff at work the last few days, and I'm really enjoying the muscle fatigue. I can see myself back at the gym in a couple of weeks when the COB returns to work full time.

Woot! Back to the grind--happy Thursday, boys and girls!

What a lovely weekend. :)

Friday at the school went well. I held it together right up until the end of the hour, at which point I realized I hadn't come up with any sort of summary or logical termination point for the lesson. Oopsie. Lucky for me the kids had to rush off to an assembly, so I had them put their desks back, gather the name cards, and then I was done. It was a whole lot of fun, and I'm looking forward to this week again.

One little girl complimented my shoes. I was expecting this, as grade 6 girls tend to always compliment something that the classroom visitor has/brings/wears. But this was not the usual 'you're pretty' kind of compliment, or 'I like your shoes!'. It was 'Hey! Where'd you get your shoes?' I replied with, 'I think I got these ones at Payless...' "Oh. That's all the way in Moncton." So I think that was a compliment, followed by disappointment when she realized she'd have to enlist help to go purchase some of her own. Ah well. My Chucks ARE cool. So there.

Friday night I was supposed to go to a concert in SJ with DD--but I did not. I encouraged him to be a responsible adult and do work and be home earlyish on Friday night, as he had to work in F'ton on Saturday morning at 7am. Would have made attending a concert until 3 not such a wise move. Something *I* would do, even.

Instead, I went for beer with Caillean here in town. We went to the pub that I usually go to, had a couple of drinks and some skins, and a lovely little visit. I was home and in bed by 1:30, which was a nice change.

Saturday morning I was going to go into Halifax for a Gaelic day, but when the alarm went off at 5:40 am, I looked menacingly at it, and said 'fuck it'. I rolled over, and reawakened at 11:40 am. It was a GREAT sleep.

I spent Saturday afternoon cruising around being domestic. I went to check out the competition in town, they were not busy. They were also very messy and not very well stocked. That was kind of a nice little present to my ego. Then, my butt and I went to visit some furniture at Sears. We agreed that only one of the sofas was even remotely comfortable, and that it was still rather ugly. My butt and I then left.

We went to Canadian Tire to look around, particularly at mitre saws. I didn't see any there that I liked (i.e. were a good enough bargain!). Again, my butt decided to test out some patio furniture. We, my butt and I, agreed on one particular set that was both stylish AND comfortable...but we also agreed that it was a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a patio set. It comes with an 'outdoor' La-Z-Boy recliner. Who the hell needs one of those?! The set, 2 chairs (1 a la-z-boy), a love-seat and a coffee table of dubious stability for the bargain price of only $1400. Not in this lifetime.

I went to work to pick up some materials. I had some actual home improvements that needed doing. I bought myself a mitre saw from the clearance table, a DeWalt 10" Compound Mitre Saw with a dust bag, and a free palm sander. For only $200. I rock.
I also picked up some 2x4s, a quarter sheet of plywood, some paint, and some electrical box covers. In order to be in compliance with my insurance company's arbitrary demands, I had to do a few things. Oh yes, and I also, finally, bought myself a propane tank so that I can use my BBQ! Woot!


I built a railing. Isn't it lovely?

I also installed covers on some junction boxes in my garage, as well as painted a sheet of plywood with which to cover up the window next to my oil pipe. Apparently you're not allowed to have an operable window within 3 feet of an oil intake. Which is okay, as the window doesn't open. But the insurance company was convinced that it does, so I had to cover it up, take its photo, and send it away.

I felt like I was channeling Bob Villa all day. It was great. And then I BBQd some chicken for supper...so good.

Saturday night was a bit melancholy, as I had no plans and nothing to do. I wanted to go out, but such is life in Amherst. I talked very briefly to Billy on MSN--he's in another one of his non-communicative states--and we both ended up staying home not doing much of anything.

Sunday morning I managed to sleep in again. It was great. I hauled bricks and built tables in the greenhouse at work all afternoon, thankfully with the help and assistance of 4 other people. At 4, we came home. At that point, I came home and began tidying here. I was running the sink for dishes, and contemplating supper, when the phone rang. It was DD. He had said he might be out and about on his motorcycle and would help move bricks if in town. (which in passive-crush speak is 'i'm looking for an excuse to come see you, and am prepared to move bricks in order to do it'--I guess that's not such a bad thing. But.)

Anyway, I fed him BBQ steak and made him help me move furniture. He crashed in the spare room again because the temperature dropped so quickly in the evening and it would have been ridiculously cold on the bike. He lives 2.5 hours away.

Funny that someone would travel 2.5 hours to move heavy things in order to spend time with me, when the guy I was dating for the last year wouldn't even drive 2 hours to see my new house or get laid. Feh.

What else...yesterday. Monday.

The trees and shrubs began to show up at the store. I helped to unload about half a truck of trees.

Ache? Holy moly do I ache. I ached last night, so I had a nice hot shower when I got home. I sat all night and did nothing, I was so tired. And this morning? I'm still achy but am having a very hard time getting motivated to do much of anything.

Anyway...time for work.

It was a lovely weekend of home improvement, my dining room looks like a ROOM now, my portable washing machine is now in the basement where it belongs, my bookcase is in the hallway, and my side-board is in the dining room. You know, it is almost starting to feel like a home. Gotta be careful of that! *heh*

Happy Tuesday!

Interesting

It's interesting to me that today, I wake up nervous.

I'm not a nervous person. I seldom get anxious about things, or experiences. Oh, I get last minute jitters, but never 'days in advance' nerves. I went to bed last night a bit nervous, and this morning I woke up much the same way.

Today I head into a local school to deliver the 'Business Basics' course from Junior Achievement to a classroom of 6th graders. It's the first time I've done the program as an instructor, and taking it myself 25 years ago hardly counts as prep-time. *grin*

I'm excited about it, because I think it will be fun. But I don't think I'm prepared enough to lead a roomful of 11 year olds through anything, let alone a lesson! At least the teacher will be there. If I fail miserably, I expect that he'll step in to help.

Wish me luck! I'm on at 12:30!

Now, I'm off to work. Blech--the good news is, I'm off for the weekend! First of three in a row! Woooooo-hooooo!

Happy Friday!

No matter what the question--love is the answer.

A bit of a habit...

...this not updating regularly business. Too much going on, I think. I'm kind of glad about that, and yet at the same time, not.

This past week at work was hellish. Crazy, insanely busy. One of the sales-guys was on vacation (Cuba, the lucky bastard!) all week, and this is the week that the weather broke. It was nice out, and the contractors were out in full force. BI-ZEE. Anyway, I didn't get any of my own work done because I was too busy doing his work instead. Oh well. It was fun, at least. I got to do the stuff that I ENJOY doing--but I still caught grief for the stuff that I didn't get done. Oh well.

Wednesday night I got a call from DD--he was in need of a beverage (rough day at the office) and wanted beer and company. We met up in Moncton and went to the Old Triangle for a bit. It's not as cool as the Triangle in Halifax, but it's still not a bad little spot. The band sucked, but my hamburger was AMAZING, so things evened out pretty much okay.

DD had LOTS of Guiness, and I did not. I drove him back to his hotel, ducked out on not-so-subtle but kind-hearted suggestions that I take the spare bed, and was home around 3 AM.

I worked Thursday from 8-5, and then TOM FUN!!!! I tried desperately to have a nap before the show, but that didn't materialize. I laid here and thought about how icy cold my toes were, and how much better things would be if they'd just defrost, dammit, and that if I weren't so tired and cold I'd get out of bed and fill up the HWB so they wouldn't be cold anymore. After an hour of that, I just got up instead.

DD came by the house just after 9 to get me. We left here about 9:30-ish, as the show was slated for a 10pm start. Silly me, believing in a 10pm start.

We first listened to a not-terrible local hip-hop group. They got much better as the set progressed. I've never heard hip-hop with an harmonica before, so it was quite unique. I liked it.

Then we progressed to 'I See Rowboats'. This was a bunch of very talented musicians, who for one reason or another sucked as a unit. I didn't enjoy it AT ALL. I was becoming quite disillusioned. I was also not drinking, as I had discovered Thursday afternoon that my CEO was expected to visit on Friday afternoon and that I would now have to work early in the morning instead of at the crack of noon.

Tom Fun took the stage, and all was forgotten. Good times ensued. I sat for two songs, and then could sit no longer. I asked DD if he was staying, or coming with...he said he was coming with, but he doesn't move nearly as quickly as me. I was up on the dance-floor before he knew what hit him. He has spatial issues. I like mine. He apparently wasn't aware that elbows aren't just to be used on strangers. Oopsie. :-)

Poor DD. Anyway, he drank, I didn't. He loosened up a bit, and even danced some. I drove us home. I had a drink of water, and went to bed. He went to the spare room, which I'm almost prepared to designate as DD's room. He's the only person, other than me, that's slept in this house since I've owned it; also he's the only person who's spent more than 2 nights in that room. Poor fella, no spine = getting your own room.

DD has a serious crush. It's kind of flattering, because it's nice to know that somebody's interested. But at the same time it's frustrating. He's a really nice guy that I know I can't get involved with. And he's a really nice guy, who is attractive enough, but he doesn't set my world on fire.

And I'm not prepared to get involved with someone from work if they don't set my world on fire. Because there's just too much risk. Too much to lose. And I'm not prepared to risk my reputation for a fling. Because that's what it would be. Well, I'm not prepared to risk it for a fling just yet, anyway.

To be fair, nobody's set my world on fire in a really long time. I've always been more of a slow-burn kind of girl than the spontaneous-combustion kind. Generally it sneaks up on me that I've grown to love someone and that I can't imagine not having them around. That's not to say that I don't find people physically attractive, because physicality is an incredible thing; but I've only once in my life experienced pure chemistry--physical and emotional...and man...was it amazing.

I really don't know if I will ever find that again, to be honest. I've been giving that a lot of thought lately. Steven has a new girlfriend that he met online. She's amazing. He brought her by yesterday when he came to see the new house. They were on their way back from a bowling tourney in PEI. She went with, just to watch. THAT is a good new girlfriend thing to do. An AMAZING new girlfriend thing to do, to be more accurate.

Anyway, she's fantastic. But the point was, that they've been seeing each other exactly two weeks. She's gone away on a trip with him. Their second date was her going to a party at Duffy's and meeting all his friends. She has now come away to meet me. They were touching, and cozy, and affectionate.

I don't understand how he found someone so amazing, who appears to think he's amazing too, so quickly. Verge did the same thing. Once he finally decided to sign up for POF, the first woman that he actually went on a date with--he ended up starting a relationship with. I don't get it.

Maybe I AM too picky. Maybe I should throw caution to the wind a bit more often. But honestly, if I know that I'm not interested in someone long-term, why should I waste their time or mine? Why would I spend time with some poor man who I, for one reason or another, don't find attractive? I wouldn't. And I shouldn't.

But how do other people do it? I really don't get it.

Anyway, I kind of derailed my thought process. But I've been thinking about this stuff quite a bit the last week or so. I don't know if it's the lapse in judgement with Billy the other weekend, the fact that Steve is so suddenly and blissfully happy, the fact that DD is so doggedly interested even if he's a chicken-shit, or my impending birthday...but I've been considering stuff.

I'll fill you in on 'stuff' as it develops.

Back to the update:

Friday I got up around 8, and tried to be quiet. I showered, dressed, and made myself coffee. Then DD got up too. I think I made him feel guilty. Oh well. :P We sat around and chatted while we drank coffee. I actually ate breakfast, because I was killing time waiting for him to finish his coffee so I could politely kick him out. He was going to my store to do some security stuff, so I wanted him to get there before I did.

I was in to work just after 9. This was going to be a loooong day, waiting for the CEO to show up. I worked an uber-long day for naught, it seemed...I found out at 1pm that my CEO wasn't coming after all. So I made DD take me to lunch. My office manager suggested I just take the whole afternoon; I didn't do that, but I DID manage to take almost 2 hours for lunch. It was amazing. Like playing hookey.

I worked like a dog all day Saturday, and did something Saturday night that I haven't done in ages.

I stayed home.

It was great. I did some laundry, a few loads of dishes, and was in bed by 11:30. Asleep by midnight. I didn't even get up on Sunday until 10 am. It was FANTASTIC.

Sunday should have brought homework, resume refreshing, unpacking...but for the most part it did not.

I got up at 10, did some dishes. I cleaned the kitchen. I finally folded up the loaner cot and took it downstairs to the back door for returning. I swept the kitchen floor. It was great. I ate breakfast, made soup, and baked peach crisp.

At noon, Shaun (used to work for me in Hali) stopped by with his dog for a visit. It was great. I remembered how amazing it is to have a dog in the house. She was cozy and snuggly, and big, and her nails clicked on the floor. She did manage to shed a lot, but meh...so do I. I WAAAAAANT a dog.

I know I could have one...and that it would be company here at the house. But it would definitely mean an end to my random 'pick up and go' trips. I would have to plan what to do with the dog, and the current 'where will I stay' dilemma would become that much more trying.

That, and if I do manage to find myself a new job, I will have to move...and there's no telling where I'd be able to find a place in the city that would allow me to have a dog. So for now, I'll resign myself to just visiting with Shaun's dog every now and again.

Later in the afternoon, Steve and Dawna stopped by. Shaun stayed for 3 hours, they stayed for 2...it was a day filled with visitors. Which was lovely, but meant that i didn't get anything done past 11:45 am. Good thing I got moving as soon as I got up!

Anyway...bedtime. Must sleep. Updates again tomorrow night...likely when I should be studying Gaelic. Doh! :-) G'night poppets.

Eeeeeeew.

I just looked out the window on the way to the shower. There's FROST on my car.

*shuddeR*

Yummy!

I loooooove my bed. It's so cozy in here. Getting up sucks. Just thought you should know.

Poor life decisions are fun!

Tom Fun was awesome on Saturday night. :) The show was great--the opening band, The Stance, was okay. Good, talented, but not really 'special'--they sounded an awful lot like Sloan. The best song they did was the last one, and it was a cover-tune. Granted, they rocked it seriously, but it wasn't their own song so it hardly counts.

I nearly didn't get to go because I ended up not having a place to stay. Steve had a date, and Duffy was having a party. The whole 'finding a place to stay' business is a real pain in the ass.

Anyway, I got home from an absolutely exhausting day at work on Saturday and logged into my MSN. I was about to go shower when Billy msg'd me. 'Shouldn't you have left by now?!'

I said I didn't think i was going to be able to go since I didn't have a place to stay. He offered to let me stay with him if I wanted. I said 'are you sure?' He said yes, so I said 'Thanks, I will!'

He was going to meet up with some guys from work at Shane's house first, and invited me to meet him there first if I wanted. As it turned out, the guys all bailed and Billy was wandering around downtown waiting for the bar to open when I hit town.

We parked the vehicular, and went to the club. At the club we chatted, and commenced beveraging.

The shows were awesome...I danced and danced. Billy even danced, and he generally doesn't. Shows what the gin will do to you! *laugh*

After, we cabbed it back to Darkness and commenced the search for food. I had a cookie dipped in peanut butter. Also a finger dipped repeatedly in peanut butter. Good thing I'm cute or people wouldn't put up with that shit. *grin* Billy had a piece of cold pizza. We'd have eaten more, but his cupboards were a bit bare from cleaning out his fridge earlier in the week. He's just as lazy as I am at the basic housekeeping tasks.

I played 2 notes on his mandolin! It was fun, but I wasn't any good at it. Not having any sensation except pain in my forefinger makes it difficult to press down the strings properly. He played me a song on his guitar, then fiddled around on his mandolin himself. Finally, around 3:30 it was time for sleep.

I said 'I'll need a blanket or something' then I went in to the bathroom. I came out, and it was dark. I said 'Hey! it's dark!' He turned his lamp back on.

I said 'where am I supposed to sleep?'

'You can sleep here, if you want.'

'Umm...'

(I didn't say this post was full of great choices! I said it was full of fun!)

'Alright, hang on with the light then.' I got out my jammies, and went to change into them in the other room. I climbed into bed, and the light went back out.

Billy has a single bed, so I'm sure I've mentioned before that I never really had a good sleep when we shared. I sleep on my left side, curled up, so I was facing into the middle of the bed. Not really an issue, he was facing the other side. We were not touching. It was going to be fine.

He rolled over to face me.

He reached out for me and hung a leg over mine.

I feel it necessary to mention at this point that we had both been drinking copiously. Not that it makes any difference, you don't do things drunk you wouldn't do sober, you just do them sooner.

I said 'Will we be okay if I do something really stupid?'

He laughed and said 'what? What kind of stupid thing were you going to do?' He was truly puzzled.

'I think we'd be okay if I did something really stupid. I hope we will, anyway.'

'Seriously, what are you talking about?' (Keep in mind that he was still hugging me at this point.)

I said, 'something like this'...and kissed the heck out of him.

'Oh. That. Uh...'

There was much smooching, and nearly 3 hours of the hottest sex I've ever had in my life. Seriously, it was so good I thought about it all the way home on my drive on Sunday. And Sunday night, and yesterday. And...for a while to come, I'm sure.

Shame it took so long to be able to get to that point.

In the morning when we woke up, we didn't snuggle or have an instant replay. I would have very much enjoyed a replay, but we didn't. I did manage to play by myself for a few minutes while he was in the bathroom, but it wasn't the same.

Sunday morning we cabbed back over to get his car, then went to Spartan for breakfast. He dropped me at my truck, and we left it quite casually. We didn't hug goodbye, which could be a step backwards from where we were last time, but it's likely a better choice for that day.

We've chatted since on MSN. Not about that, but we seem to be fine.

I know that it was a poor choice. I know that we are not in a place where we will ever be able to do 'casual'. But we seem to have pulled it off for the moment. I don't know.

I THINK that my heart is okay. I really do, so since these things always cost somebody, I'm wondering how his is doing. Not that it's any of my business or any of my concern. Anyway, I had an absolutely fantastic weekend--it was great to hang out with a good friend and not think about work. It was even better to dance and be silly with a good friend, and even better still to get some crazy-good action!

Happy Monday. :)

Woot!

Tom Fun tonight at the Marquee!

Throw caution to the wind! Sleep on your ex-boyfriend's floor! Drink enough so you don't mind! Woot!

:-)

Ah yes...be sure there will be follow-up information tomorrow. Oh yes, I'm sure there will.

Oh what a beautiful morning...

How amazing is it waking up to a sunbeam on your face?

Happy Friday, folks. :-)

I.O.U.

I owe you a big long post catching you up on all the wonderful and not so wonderful things that have happened this past week.

I've had an amazingly busy week, which is why I haven't updated. I didn't realize that it's been an entire week.

Short version:

Tuesday: Party went really well--everyone was happy. The food, for some reason, came in $120 less than they quoted us. *boggle* I paid in cash, and gave them a $50 gift card to use as a staff incentive at their own function. I figured it was the right thing to do.

Wednesday: DD came by and cooked me supper in my own kitchen. DELISH. He crashed in my spare room.

Thursday: DD came by again. We visited. I was exhausted and had work to do. Kicked him out at 2. Offered either futon, or get out. It was much more polite, but really...shit or get off the pot.

Friday: Went to Halifax. Went for Thirstday with Billy. Had a wonderful time. Stayed up FAAAAR too late gabbing. Slept 3 hours at the hotel, and then worked Saturday at 7:45 am.

Saturday: Worked all day at old store. Used term 'worked' lightly. It was a lovely day. Then got haircut at 4:30 -- last one for a year until hairdresser returns from Australia. Visited Heidi and her odd little baby until 8:30. Picked up Alicia, and went to a party. Stayed up until 3:00 when I crashed hard on Morgan's futon. (Who's Morgan? Exactly.)

Sunday: breakfast, then came home. Did work all afternoon. Slept.

Monday: worked, worked, and more worked. Slept.

Tuesday: Worked, worked, and more worked. Slept.

Wednesday: worked, worked, and more worked. Brought home a crapload of work. Between 5 and 10 pm got called back to work 3 times. As a result, I didn't accomplish much of the work that I brought home to do.

This brings us to the point of this post.

I am grateful for Billy. I am grateful for having a friend who listens and picks up the phone, and makes me not feel like a complete and utter failure for being overwhelmed, and sad, and lonely.

Today was okay, but tonight was complete and utter shite.

I'm disappointed in Tracey. She hasn't returned any of my calls since February. I have a lot of acquaintances, but not a lot of friends. I don't let people in easily...so when I do, they matter to me. And when I do, I hope that they'll be there for me like I've been there for them. So yeah...I'm sad and disappointed in her.

I was very sad that I went through my whole phone list and didn't have anybody that I wanted (or felt that I could) call to just sob at and look to for comfort. The only person other than Tracey was Billy, and I wasn't about to call him.

Until I was online, snivelling. And he asked what was wrong, and I told him. And I was bawling as I typed. For no real reason, even, that I can tell. Just overwhelming sadness and loneliness.

So I DID call him. Because I needed more of a connection with another human being than MSN could provide me. And it was wonderful. *HE* was wonderful. He listened. He comforted. And he encouraged me to walk away. Now, I know that I can't do that. But I know that I can take steps.

He even mentioned a job that he'd seen that I may be qualified for. So he's going to send it to me tomorrow. Because I really DO need to do something else.

But anyway. It was nice to have someone to lean on. And I thanked him. And I apologized--'it's not your responsibility to listen to me. It's not your job anymore. It's not fair for me to do this to you.' "I'm glad you called me. I *LIKE* to do it. I miss it."

And Shoe sent me an email on FB telling me I was wonderful. Which was really nice. Because back when he knew me? I was. It made me smile. :)

I'll fill in the details later--because the rest of the week, while intense, was rather marvellous. It was just tonight that was utter bollocks. And tomorrow will be better.

So my point?

I am grateful for having true friends. And for finding the nerve to pick up the phone when I needed them. I'm grateful for the boy, even if he's not *my* boy anymore.