Good Tuesday Morning to you!

It's raining. It's cold.

I still haven't got any furniture, but one of the girls from work loaned me a television last night. I apparently have no cable plug in my living room. *boggle*

I want to go to Halifax tonight for Gaelic and then beer after--but I'm afraid that I'll seem far too pushy to be there 3 times in one week. Except that I want to go, so I just might. I have to trade away my day off this week anyway, so...*sigh*

I also need to finish organizing a Christmas party, and then get my store ready for yet another Royal visit. *le sigh*

This would all be so much easier if I were sleeping in a bed, and had a chair to sit on. I need to get all over the movers this morning to find out when the heck they're going to pick up my stuff. They haven't even cleared it out of the old place yet, so I can't even go in and clean. I have to be out by Friday. Yoiks!

This is why my stress levels are creeping back up again. Oh well.

Yesterday was a lovely day. I came home for lunch...man do I love to do that. Anyway, I'm going to be late for work if I don't get a hustle in my bustle. Have a great day, poppets. :) More later.

Good night!

Good evening, my lovelies :)

I'm beat, but I just wanted to pop in and leave you a little bit of a post.

Today was good. An exercise in frustration, but good. I ended up coming home still coupled up. I'm happy about that. VERY happy about that, in fact.

I talked to Tracey for almost an hour tonight on my way home. (Long distance. To Alberta. On my cell phone. Shit.) I whinged and complained a lot...and explained some things to her that I didn't even realize myself yet.

I was thinking while I was at Billy's, and then actually said it to Tracey tonight, that if he were to honestly and sincerely ask me to go out west with him...and actually WANT me to...I'd go. I'd sell my beautiful new house, and take a leave of absence, and go. It'd be career suicide, but that's where I'm at emotionally right now.

And I'm too terrified to tell him that.

Scary that the one person I should feel most comfortable telling that to, is the one person I am petrified to tell. (Probably even more scary is the fact that I'm comfortable telling a herd of relative strangers on the interweb. Them's the breaks, I guess!)

Anyway...I was happy to see him. And happier still to figure out how to shake myself out of this funk a little bit. I've set up some solid plans (just with myself for now, but it's a start) for dates I can visit my boy. And I've decided to go back to my happiness journal. I used to keep a journal every night of 5 things that made me happy that day. Some times it was a real stretch--for instance, 'strange man at Tim Horton's held the door for me'--but most days, I have a hard time listing only 5. But having been in such a funk, for such an extended period of time, I figured it was time to make a comeback.

So I did it tonight, and I feel better about things. And then I posted here, which ALWAYS makes me feel better. And I MSN'd billy a little bit when I got home, adn that was great. Not to mention, Saskatchewan won the football game! ;)

Goodnight folks---and I'm really sorry I couldn't be more supportive of your team, Princess! My condolences to you and your whole crew out there in Winterpeg!

Always keep an edge on your knife...

We went to see Corb Lund last night at the Marquee, and it was a great time. Good show, if a bit pricey. I really SHOULD have gone to see him last year when it was only $15 instead of $25! Ah well...it was a good time for the most part.

We bumped into a girl from Billy's gaelic class outside on the sidewalk after and talked to her and her boyfriend for a while. She's really sweet. Her boyfriend is actually a native Gaelic speaker, which completely blows my mind. I'm not used to people in their 20s speaking the language fluently--and boy does he! A-- was saying that he talks to his dad on the phone in Gaelic. "...bacon anns an freezer..." Tee-hee! It makes the language evolve and live. It's pretty spiff. :)

I'm up and typing while Bill's still sleeping. I wish I was asleep. I have a feeling today is going to be another day filled with angst and emotion. Blargle. I came here this weekend determined to NOT have one of those...to just have a great time and go on ahead with things. Who knows...maybe I can pull it off still.

I have another post sitting in my own computer at home, just waiting to be posted. So I'll do that when I go back home this afternoon...then you'll hear about my Tuesday. My Tuesday was pretty good...which is why I was hoping for minor miracles today. :)

Billy's learning a song to lead for milling! That's awesome. I'm really envious of the whole gang of Gaelickers that get to go and mill--it looks like a heck-load of fun. :) I hope that he lets me hear him today before I go--I'd love to go and see them perform, but since I don't get to do that, I hope to hear him here. :)

Anyway, radio's on, so that means he's awake. Let's see how today turns out! :)

Happy Sunday, folks! :)

In a funk.

So...this has been the worst two months of my life. Most intense with work, most stressful, most confusing with regards to my career, loneliest, and just all around most fucked up couple of months I've ever had.

Work has finally started to settle down. Inventory is over. I had my first Royal Visit on Friday, and it was Good. It was Good.

So I had last weekend off...and this one too. Billy spent them both in Antigonish working on his car. I understand that the car needs work in order to pass its safety inspection by the end of the month...but it doesn't make me feel any less shunned.

I drove to Halifax yesterday afternoon. Nobody was around to go out with, so I ended up not making any fancy plans.

Steven is finally home from his convalescence in Port-aux-Basques. He had heart surgery last month, and then went to his parents' house to recover. I went over to his place and hung out for a few hours. We chatted up a storm, and I bitched about my current relationship woes. Things seem to be sorting themselves out for him, which is wonderful. He's an amazing man who deserves to be treated better than he has been.

I have been trying not to be bitching about my relationship. Mainly because it's a situation of my own creation. That, and I've been so stressed out and cranky about everything else in my life, that I was clinging to what was left of my sanity and my dignity. I didn't want to rock the boat with the only thing that resembled Good in my life at that point. But now, I don't know if I can look past it much longer.

I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm in a royal funk. I miss my best friend. I am disappointed that I, again, allowed myself to enter into a relationship where I am not being treated the way I deserve to be treated. Where I feel alone, and abandoned, and sad all the time.

I am ordinarily such a confident person...I'm not sure how I let myself get involved with someone who is so (unintentionally) hard on my self-esteem.

I have been having a hard time with this for a few weeks now, but I have been too busy to focus on it. I've been so stressed about everything else, that I've been able to talk myself out of 'starting something'. I've managed to avoid having to deal with how sad I've become, and how lonely I'm feeling.

But this weekend, I had off. I didn't have to work. I had time. I was excited to have time to spend doing something fun with someone I love. And I spent it alone. Same as last weekend.

I don't mind alone. I've never minded alone. But for the first time in years, I'm Lonely. So very Lonely. And I know that it's temporary--and that I'll shake myself out of it soon enough. But that's not making it any easier right now.

I don't want to start a fight about this, knowing full well that at least 50% of my funk is based in a mild depression. But I know that the other 50% is legitimate. And that I'm not being treated how I need to be treated. And that I NEED more time and attention than I've been getting.

Argh. I need to shake this off. Because if I don't, I'm going to mess up the only thing that I really WANT to work out right now. I don't want to lose my best friend. I just want to feel like he cares about losing me. I want to know...no, I want to KNOW that he cares about me. At least enough to ask what the hell I did with my weekend.

Anyway. I'm turning off the comments on this one. I just needed to get it out...I don't need a pep-talk. Unless you want to call on the boy and explain to him that when I say "I'm having a really rotten day today and now would be a really good time for you to tell me that you love me" that the correct response is, "I'm sorry you're having a bad day. It's going to get better. And I DO love you, you know." The correct response is not "Oh."

Anyway.

So Saturday night after I saw Steven, I talked to Scott on the phone. We met up for a drink, then sat and had coffee for several hours. It was nice to see him. It was nice to spend some time talking to somebody who actually wanted to talk to me. He's having a rough go too. He thought that a personal situation that he's got happening was a lot more private than it is. He figured that nobody at the store knew. So he told me in confidence what the 'situation' was. I told him I already knew. And then I told him how I'd quieted the rumour at the store, and what I'd replaced it with. He was pleased. Very surprised that I'd done that, and apparently a bit impressed with my cover-story. But happy. And that's what matters most.

I should go to bed...it's very late. But I slept all day, on account of being up all night. I have to call and holler at the movers tomorrow because they have STILL not picked up my furniture--so while I'm paying the mortgage on a house, I'm not actually living in it yet. I'm still living out of a suitcase/box of crap. Good times.

G'night folks...more later. Cheerier, and more often, I promise. :)

Unconscious Mutterings - Week 250

Here's a go at this again...If you want to play too, go to Subliminal Lunanina and clip the words for yourself. :)

1. Toasty :: warm.


2. Allegations :: lies.
   


3. Herb :: garden


4. Bacon :: delicious!


5. Neck to neck :: dancing.


6. Simon :: you know my name is.


7. Heels :: sexy


8. Fundamentals :: basics


9. Middle :: school
   


10. Seasonings :: spices.

Ahhh....

This was my first weekend off in 6 weeks. It was great.

Uneventful, but great.

I had a fight with Bill earlier in the week, which did not set a pleasant tone for the remainder of the week, but I pulled it out of the fire, and we ended up okay.

I drove to Halifax for Thirstday, even though I had to be back in Amherst to do my P&L on Friday afternoon. I was supposed to be off on Friday, and for the entire weekend, but having to be back in Amherst for 3 hours in the middle of the day made that a bit of a pain in the ass.

Thirstday was lovely...pleasant drive, great visit, nice chat...okay tunes, not so terrible sleep. (I don't usually sleep well when I stay at Billy's, as his bed is too small to even be cozy.)

Friday I discovered that I have a rodent house-guest(or 27). Not fun. I drove back to the city for the evening, planning to head out to the Lower Deck for Joanna's birthday. I got home in time, but was tired, so decided to just chill out in front of the TV. It was great.

Saturday I spent cleaning, getting my hair cut, chilling at the mall, and more cleaning. I was in bed by 10. It was FANTASTIC.

I spent all day today cleaning. Have I mentioned all the cleaning? Yeah. My roomie turns out to have been a vile, disgusting, filthy pig. Oh yeah, and he owes me $90. I was going to let the $$ go, but the place is filthy, and he broke the door to his bedroom when he was moving out and didn't bother to mention it. So yeah...My anger fuelled my desire for cleanliness. The place is spotless. Well, except for my furniture, which is another story altogether.

I brought all my cutlery and some tupperware back with me. I brought a couple more pans, and a frying pan. I can actually EAT not. I just can't SLEEP at my new house. I'm still living in the hotel, as my furniture and personal belongings are all still in Halifax. Now that I actually have 5 minutes to myself at work, I may be able to start worrying about stuff that matters to ME...like getting my furniture, complaining about my furnace oil, and moving into my stinking house!

I'm beat, and I still have work to do tonight, but I'm not doing it. I'm blogging. I'm taking some ME time. I finally got my home internet working properly at the house. I brought my wireless router back with me tonight, and got that set up too. That way, I can sit at the only place in the house that has a chair (my kitchen island) and play online. IN MY OWN HOUSE.

Tomorrow, I will eat supper at my house. I may even shower at my house for the first time. I am going to see if I can borrow a fold-away cot from a co-worker, and then I'm going to move out of the hotel and into my house. I just want some normalcy in my life.

Did I mention how much I got accomplished this weekend, when I was net-free? I didn't fritter away my weekend reading blogs, I just got stuff done.

Anyway...I'm off to bed. :) I'll see you all tomorrow. Have a happy week!