Happy Weekend!

So...Today was a beautiful sunshiney day.

I got a lot accomplished at work, but did not find the time to write up my Flooring Department Head. I'll have to do it Monday. I figured that since he was having a long weekend and getting to tell his in-laws that they were pregnant (after 2 miscarriages) that I should hold off and ruin his next week, not his this week. Look at me, Joe Considerate.

I had a good day overall. I had lunch with Dean and Lynn L...got an interesting new perspective and some different gossip than I usually get. I'm creating a new Loop, since I managed to fall out of the other one. *grin*

Had supper with Lynn M and Heather...that was fun. We ate at the Thirsty Duck. A random strange man (a stranger, not a man who was strange) bought us roses from the flower guy. It was odd, but the flower guy was physically (and likely mentally) challenged and I think they felt sorry for him. Anyway, it was nice, because he sent them, we said thanks, and then he never approached us. It was fun hanging with both ladies. Much better than it has been in the past...no awkwardness.

Then we went to Carlitos and had coffees...it was nice and we stayed far too long. I hadn't had espresso in so long, and it was so delicious...but I'm afraid I'll never sleep tonight. We shall see.

Other than that...nothing to report. My house needs some serious love...I did the kitchen and bathroom yesterday--bleached the toilet and everything! But the dining room and the entry-way still need affection. And I can't even bear to look at the spare room where I am currently sitting. I walk in with my eyes down, sit at the computer, and then walk out in much the same way. If I don't acknowledge the CHAOS, it doesn't exist, right?

Ah well..driving range with the girls tomorrow after lunch, then Lower Deck in the afternoon/early evening. What a great way to spend the weekend. :) An expensive way to spend the weekend, but what the hell...I'm not spending as much as I would have been were I driving to Fredericton to hang with Luke...that was a freaking expensive relationship with his fast-food habit and all.

Have a fantastic weekend--any and all. :) I will be filling my life with wonderfully carbonated alcoholic calories. :) And possibly, the gym. If only in a futile attempt to aviod cleaning my apartment!!!

Busted.

So...my previously top-secret and discrete blog has been discovered. It's not that I've been nominated for a Pullitzer or anything (yet), but it's an interesting feeling, being 'discovered'.

Knowing that other people may stop by puts a certain amount of pressure on one to produce. I now have a strange desire to write something filled with content. Some sort of meaningful social commentary, not just banal tripe about how my day is going.

However, banal tripe is about where my head is at these days. :)

So...on the personal front--an update. I've been feeling rather good about the whole 'Luke' situation the last week or so. (you can scroll back to count the exact number of days since the phone call incident if you so desire) I've been actually content, pleased with myself and my job, and other than a mild obsession with retrieving my radio (my mom bought it for me!) I'm pretty much moved on.

Which I find bizarrely frightening. It makes me wonder if I am just glossing it over, or if I've really been able to compartmentalize this already. Here's the thing that makes me think that I've actually moved on (mostly)...

I've been hoping quite sincerely that he's happy with her, and that they are able to have the 'normal' type of relationship that we were not. I have been pleased that I am now open to new and exciting experiences and people, even if none should arise in the immediate future. And the kicker happened today.

Lynn (a girl I was always a bit jealous of because I knew Luke had previously been crushing on her) has a new job in Human Resources--she was in the store today to do the confidential supervisory reviews. Anyway, she has been friends with Luke for a long time too.

She was in the Fredericton store on Monday and Tuesday doing reviews. Monday, she saw Luke...invited him to have supper with her and some girls. He said 'sure' and then pretty much blew her off. One of the other girls told her he had a girlfriend. She was happy for him (which is the general concencus from people who didn't know about me). She phoned him at 7:00 and he didn't answer his phone. She called him again at 9:00 and asked if he was coming to eat. He said 'No, I have to pick up Cynthia' and said 'thanks for calling' and hung up.

Tuesday, she saw him at the store, and went to say Hi, and he avoided her. He didn't speak to her all day. She went to approach him to chat, and he deked out the other way. He didn't even say goodbye when she left the store.

Which makes me think he's just odd. Lynn said she thought he was being a jerk--just like everyone else had always said he was. I laughed, and said I felt the same way, and that I'd always defended him, and that I had recently come to believe that he was not the man I had previously thought he was, and that everyone else must have been right. She said, "They sure were!"

Anyway...on top of that...Cynthia's s moving to Halifax in 2 weeks to go to school at Dal. *laugh* Lynn said "so you'll probably be seeing lots of him, then" I said "Highly unlikely" , smirked, and went on about my business.

The funny thing though--is that it doesn't bother me in the slightest to think that he's happy now. Well, only a little bit because of something Heather said when I told her--but that's another issue. It doesn't bother me to think that i might bump into them on the street or in a bar. I just want my damn radio back. And if he'll be in town more often because she's here, then that's more opportunities to return my damn stuff. :)

So. What Heather said. I kinda laughed about it when I told her Cynthia was moving here...because it really is, somewhat poetic justice. Only because he's avoided having to face me, and Karma's going to bite him in the ass in a big way. But I may have been a little too convincing in my Wow-look-at-me-I'm-strong-healthy-and-healed! Not-to-mention-indifferent!-persona because Heather (who is supposed to be MY friend) pointed out how other people in the store have noticed a big change in him and think he's so much happier now that he has a girlfriend (that they know about). Which is not a nice thing to say to the recently exed girlfriend.

I pointed out that it was probably because he wasn't so uptight about work, and he was actually going out to the bars with the crew from the store...they discovered that he's not quite such an obnoxious prick as they thought he was. Which would make him happy. I just hope that for his own sake, he's careful about how much he hangs out with the crowd from the store. I may be somewhat pleased that Karma's got sharp teeth, but I still wish him well in terms of his career.

Anyway. I think I'm over it. Mostly, at least. And other than Heather needing lessons in remedial friendship, I didn't actually twinge much. Except when I had to think for a second about him being happier without me than with me. But then I realized that it had nothing to do with me, and everything was cool. Such a harsh self-critic, I am.

Must sleep. No more navel-gazing for a while. I swear. :)

Heather's coming down this weekend, staying with Lynn. We're off to the driving range on Saturday, and the Lower Deck (my happy place)...and there will be fireworks...and hopefully boys! :) Wheee--fun this weekend...and sunshine too!! Maybe I'll even get a tan! A girl can dare to dream. :)

Today's random web location shamelessly stolen from another blog:

http://bioteach.ubc.ca/quarterly/quarterly015/0105monks.html

Wow!

So many things to be astonished about!

First, I can't believe it's been an entire week since I blogged. I have been at my computer, I have read other blogs, but I have left it until just before bed each night to blog, and I've been too tired every time. So, a renewed attempt today.

Second thing, I had a comment!!! Mrs.Flinger stopped by! I had forgotten that when I commented on another blog, it linked back here. Oops. I'd been lamenting (to myself) that my blog was rather self-absorbed and focussed too much on my emotional turmoil--I guess now's the time to do something about that!!!

It's exciting to see a comment...but makes me feel that I have to have something astute and insightful to say. Some wonderful social commentary that will make everyone out there in blog-land sit up and take notice of my wit, charm, and innate cleverness. Not likely to happen. :) Sorry folks. :)

Anyway--it's lovely and sunny out. It's 3:00 pm and I"ve wasted most of myrning. Now, I'm heading to Point Pleasant Park for a wonderful walk in the sunshine and some sorely needed exercise! Perhaps I'll win the lottery or meet someone wonderful while I'm there. Again, not likely to happen--but a girl can dare to dream! :)

Thanks for the comment, Mrs.Flinger. I'm not always so sappy and introspective, I swear. :)

Today's Site of Choice: www.conbinibento.com

Sunday's child

I was off this weekend, and while I anticipated it being a dud, it turned out quite well.

Yesterday, I went and got my hair cut. Michelle Kennedy did it for me, and I must say that I like it a lot. It's really cute and sassy--which is exactly the look I'd love to have while I wait for it to grow a bit and be a bit more sexy.

It was hot and sunny out, so I wandered around a bit at the West End Mall. I saw a gold shirt that I liked at Mark's Work WearHouse, but I didn't want to spend $20 on a shirt that I really don't need. I'm still in economizing mode (for the next seventeen-billion years!) you know. Then, I went to Wal-Mart, to see if I could find a similar shirt, for way less cash. They had nothing but garbage, which is my typical Wal-Mart clothing search experience.

Then, I went to the Bay. Everything was on clearance, and a lot of stuff was 1/2 off. So I looked around, and found a t-shirt that I loved. It wasn't marked on sale, but I decided that if it was on sale, I'd buy it...and if not, I could go back and pay $10 for it anytime I liked and didn't need to buy it today.

I also found a bathing suit...a mix-and-match two piece that I love. It's flattering to my busty self, it's got the boy-cut bottoms-- and it's awesome. And, it was buy one piece, get the other free. So for $41 including tax, I got a new bathing suit, and a flirty little new t-shirt. Awesome.

Then, Lynn and I went to the driving range and hit a bucket of balls. I think she's going to become an addict like me. When we were there hitting balls, I remembered that I LOVE golf. I had so much fun. I will neeed to make allowances for the driving range in my budget, henceforth.

After the driving range, we went down to the Lower Deck and split some pitchers. It's becoming a habit...and not a good one. It's too expensive for me, even though I love it and it makes me really happy to be there.

So...I was out all day (or most of it) and busy into the night. And I had no phone call requesting a meeting time to return my stuff. So I was pretty much expecting a call today.

I had promised Gillian when I met up with her and her new husband last week that I'd go there for lunch today. (They live in Mahone Bay.) She asked if I'd like to meet up in the morning and go to church with them, so I said sure. It was interesting, as I'd never attended a Mormon service before...just the funeral when Shannon Burke's dad died.

It was an interesting service, that lasted about an hour and a half. Then, there was a 50 minute study session about the blessings that the people of God are given...based on Bible verses and redings from the Book of Mormon. After that, the men and the women separated...the women went to "The Relief Society" and the men attended ...something else that I forget.

The Relief Society meeting was amazing. The women talked about what characteristics one should look for in a man and potential partner (read: spouse). Then they talked about the ingredients for a good marriage...and how they found the perfect partner that they currently have...it was really wonderful to see so many women sitting around talking openly about making lists of characteristics they required in a partner.

Then we had a barbeque at Gill and Colin's. I had a really lovely afternoon. I enjoyed spending the time with Gill and Colin, and I enjoyed having the opportunity to visit a church with a different tradition than I'm used to.

It was especially interesting spending time with Gill. I had forgotten that she's so open about things that I usually don't discuss. It was refreshing to be able to have that conversation with her, and to talk openly about how difficult it is to develop a career with no family, and to develop a family while travelling for my career. Colin seemed to really understand where I was coming from--but I know that they're conditioned to believe that a woman's place is with her family, and that her primary function is to make a home for her family...so I guess I still need to take that with a grain of salt.

I really need to get a new keyboard so that I don't leave out so many letters. It's quite annoying having to go back and try to insert them again afterward and having to wait for the computer to catch up with me!

I got home around 6, expecting that Luke might have left me a message regarding my stuff. He didn't. I was also home all night afterward, and got no calls. I called his cell phone twice and got no response, so...who knows. I maygo into the store tomorrow and find my stuff in a bag at the custmer service desk. He's certainly not the man that I thought he was. I didn't think that he was such a coward as to not be willing to face me, even to return my stuff. It's a shame.

When we were talking about how people 'found' their husbands--Gillian shared a piece of advice that she was given by an elder. They told her to think of the type of man that she wanted to marry. Imagine all the characteristics that you believe make a good husband and father...then live your life in a way that you become the type of woman that man would want to marry. In other words, be the change that you want to see in the world. Profundity in a day with Gill...I'd have never guessed it.

It's funny--I felt that while I was sitting in that Relief Society meeting that I was right where I was supposed to be. That God had somehow made all the circumstances collide so that I would be right there listening to the messages that I needed to hear today. I know that hearing the women speak about their eternal marriages, and their commitment to their spouse and their families...made me realize that there's more to my relationships than what I had allowed myself to settle for. It's not enough to imagine yourself saying "When your father and I were first together..." You need to know that you'll live to an age where that story holds water.

Anyway--enough for one night. It was a fun and event filled weekend. No stuff, but the house is tidy and I have a new bathing suit. I also have a new goal to lose 15 pounds, and I am pretty sure I can do it if I get off my butt. :)

good morning.

I'm getting sick. It's my first weekend off in over a month, and I'm getting sick. Oh well, not like I have anything planned anyway. Except getting kicked in the guts while I repossess my radio and curtains. I wonder if he bothered to wash my dishes and return that stuff too...doubtful.

I'm going to the Mormon church with Gillian on Sunday, should be interesting. At least it will get me out of the house. :) A lovely day for a drive, too, it's supposed to be.

Late for work...more tonight. :)

Whee.

So, it's Tuesday. I was supposed to work this morning at 7:00. I re-awoke at 7:30. I then showered, rushed around, called work, and said "Fuck-it, I still have time for Tim Horton's."

Today Stew and Mr.Irving came to visit...they arrived around 5 minutes to 6 tonight...stayed 1/2 an hour and then moved on. "Store looks good. Really good."

That's the summary of our visit. I came home immediately thereafter.

I've chatted with Variax, who is refinancing his house and saving big bucks in the process. Very clever fellow. One day, some girl will realize how lucky she could be and will snap him up like fat-free Smarties at a Weight Watchers convention.

I saw Gillian at the store the other day, and it was lovely to see her. She invited me to visit them in Mahone Bay for lunch one day this weekend. And as I have nothing to look forward to except more gut-kickingly goodtimes with Luke in order to repossess my worldly belongings...I said I'd love to. Which is mostly true, anyway. :)

But I'm meeting her in Mahone Bay on Sunday morning, so we can carpool to Bridgewater and attend her Mormon church service...then a barbeque after. It'll be fun, and it'll be great to actually attend a service again, as i wasn't joking when I told her I'd been "a slackerly heathen" of late. Go me.

I neeed to convince Lynn to hit the Lower Deck on Saturday afternoon with me, as I think I need an excuse to not be at home, and to drink heavily after the massacre of my emotions that I anticipate to take place some time on Saturday.

I think I'm getting sick, my throat is really sore. I woke up with it being scratchy this morning, and my glands are a bit swollen. I'm going to take some aspirin and head for bed.

G'nite.

And the gifts just keep on giving...

Heather called and left me a message freaking out about having to give her speech tomorrow in front of 150 people. So I called her back.

I was able to easily divert her attention from her stress and drama, by allowing myself to be bludgeoned repeatedly with a blunt object.

Nah, really she just asked me questions about Luke. Reopening the wounds, and makingme feel guiltier than ever about wanting him to know that I knew about Cynthia.

Anyway--while I choose to believe that he couldn't have felt anything for me all this time, and I was obviously deluding myself, she seems to think that he DID feel something, but felt no obligation to behave like a decent human being because I allowed him to believe that. Say what?

Basically, (and we've already covered this part ad nauseum) I allowed him to treat me like crap (True) and didn't force the subject of a future, etc...and because of my lack of direction (for lack of a better term) this relationship went nowhere.

Coudln't possibly have anything to do with the fact that I let him stomp on me because I was deluding myself into believing that his inability to show care or concern for another human being was a function of his age and not simply and indicaton of the fact that he's a selfish jackass? I didn't think so.

Anyway...she got me all sobby and wet, which I hate...and I'm determined to be stoic on the weekend when I get my stuff back. Although the little shit will likely try to drop it at the store so that he doesn't have to face me. Chickenshit. I deserve better. So there.

Which I knew the whole time...why did I make excuses for him? Why did I allow myself to be treated in such a disrespectful manner? I must have taken a leave of my senses. Anyway. I still miss having my friend. I miss havi ng sex too, although it wasn't really very good. Remind me not to date skinny guys again. :)

Otherwise, my day was good. I beat Scott to the store. The visit is scheduled for tomorrow, and if there's no fog, let's hope it takes place. I can't stand the thought of having to wait around all week again.

So...know anybody who wants to fall madly in love with me and have the perfect family? He has to be hot, smart, funny, and must idolize me in a way that I am so clearly not used to...but at one point was very familiar with.

I have been so blessed to be loved by so many wonderful men in my life...this one, I guess, is just not one of them. :) I guess there's always hope. :)

Sunday

Lots to report and nothing to report. Lots of nothing.

Slept until 11:00. Worked from 12 to 5. Came home, stuffed chicken breasts, roasted potatoes, ate them both.

Read Mimi Smartypants blog for several hours while food cooked. At 10:00, when I should have been going to bed, I finally began cleaning theliving room--which has been nasty for over 3 weeks now. I rearranged the furniture, which looks much better. Tomorrow night, I will hang pictures. I tend to get manic on Sunday nights a lot. Don't exactly know why, but I get the most stuff accomplished after 10:00 pm.

Chatted with variax for a while, and that was good. I explained that it was his responsibility to keep me from becoming a freaky-stalker-like ex-girlfriend.

I struck a little bit of an insight while we were chatting.

I have never wanted to be like THOSE girls. The ones that get all mushy and sappy and jealous and sobby. It bothers me greatly that someone might possibly think that about me. It bothers me more, that it's an unalienable truth that we're all like that a little bit and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Stupid girls. Why can't I just have sex with no conscience and never become emotionally attached to anyone?

I keep thinking though, that if I"m hurting this much after only 14 months...how hard must this be for mum? And she has to face him every day knowing that things will never be good again. How horrible. How excruciating. How neverendingly gut-kickingly sob-into-your-pillow-because-you-feel-so-alone awful.

My life could be a lot worse. I could have been married to the jackass.

My living room looks great. :)

And oh yeah--I stole cable tonight.

Saturday night's alright for fighting...

Whee :)

Just got home from not attending hte pub crawl. What a great time I had :) I met everyone at Pitchman's. I danced with Lynn and Julian and Verge and Leana for ages...then we went to the Palace and danced and danced. I left around 20 after 1, everyone else was still there. Verge has a thing for Amy Pot*hier really bad...why can't he get a clue and start liking girls his own age? Or at least born within the last 10 years? That might be part of his problem...he's 38 and 20 eyar old girls don't think he's hot.

I *did* look hot though. :) Which was nice, and reassuring after my evening.

I called Luke and asked him when he was planning on coming home. He was iffy and said "probably next weekend...why?" I asked him to bring my radio and my curtains with him when he came. He said that wouldn't be a problem. So I asked him if he was ready to stop being a dink and be my friend again. He said "Am I being a dink?" I said yes. Then there was silence for a minute...and he said "hello?" I said "yes?" He said "how am I being a dink?" I said "It was pretty dirty having Heather do your dirty work for you." He said "Having Heather do my dirty work?" (he didn't understand for a minute) I said "Yes, having heather do your dirty work for you." He said "Oh. Um...I'm at work, I"m not going to get into this" I said "That's fine, just bring my radio next week when you go home." ...and he hung up.

JAckass.

Good thing I"m too good for him :) And far hotter than she can ever hope to be.. :) So thre. :)

Oh my god, I"m so glad i went to the pub crawl. :) I had so much fun. Shame about having to work tomorrow. At least I put it off until noon! :)

Nighty-night :)

Friday

Not a bad day, overall. Except for the being exhausted and not very personable part.

I had a really nice chat with Verge. He has a knack for hitting me on my really down days. But he said the nicest things. And he listens. I hope that one day he finds a really nice girl who appreciates him.

He asked why I'd never seemed to make marriage a priority...he said "I know why *I'm* not married, I always seem to mess it up somehow, but you seem like you've got it pretty together"...what a nice thing to say. Particularly since I really wasn't feeling so together. :)

Gary walked the store today, and wasn't horrified, so we may be ready for the visit from Stew and Mr.Irving on Tuesday. Oh yes, we're having a visit. I walked into the store today, and Scott greets me with a smile and says, "I've got good news! Really good news!" I asked him if I'd won the lottery and so was precluded from working for a pittance any longer. He said, "No, better news than that!" So I knew it was bad. Stupid visits. Oh well, they keep my mind focussed on things that need doing.

Anyway.

So I'm pooped. Heather called tonight and left a message to check and see how I was doing. She's so sweet. I must have scared her when I was so upset last night. Hell, I kinda scared myself. I'm not really used to having such strong emotions, I don't think. Or at least, not really used to letting myself feel them. This time I just had no choice--they were happening whether I was interested or not.

Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.

I ate okay today, except for the 3 coffees (necessary) and the donut (not necessary). I walked about 19,000 steps. So, hurray me. I made up for yesterday's pitiful 4,500. :)

the morning after the night before

So...I hardly slept. I couldn't get to sleep, and then when I did, I kept waking up. I think I got a total of about 3 hours. And my neck is sore.

I've lost so much more than enough sleep over this jackass.

And he *is* a jackass. I wonder if he's even got the decency to be ashamed of his behaviour. I doubt it. The one thing about not talking to people about stuff is that there's very little accountability for your actions.

I guess I've always known he and I were a lot alike. I guess we're more alike than I thought. I hope I'm not as much of a jackass as he is.

punch in the gut

So...

Heather called me back tonight. And after some other stuff, she said, "I don't know if..."

I said, "Who's he seeing?" She said, "Oh, you already know?" I said no, but that I figured it was likely.

So...he's seeing Cynthia. The little cow that got the other assistant manager fired for dating an associate. She apparently started up with him, then cried sexual harassment and got him canned. Then, after he wasn't working there anymore, they started dating again. She left the store in August to move to the states to go to school and live with the guy. Apparently she's back.

Anyway. I feel like I got punched in the stomache. Heather went to a bachelorette party for Becky at a bar. Becky is good friends with Cynthia. Cynthia phoned Luke from the bar and he went out and met them there. Apparently he had his arms around her.

Heather said she had a really difficult time making eye contact with him. This was two weeks ago. Back when she called me and I didn't return her call. I should have, apparently.

decency to call me himself, KNOWING that she knew. He expected her to do his dirty work for him.

I'm so glad he didn't answer his phone tonight when I called. I couldn't imagine how much of a sucker-punch it would have been if he'd told me himself. Which he wouldn't, because that would actually involve volunteering information.

So I'm crushed. I'm so sad. And hurt. And disappointed. I don't even have enough words to describe what I'm feeling right now. I thought he had better taste. I want to believe that, because she's not nearly as pretty as me...and she's not smart. But she's there. And I'm not. And she has what I want, even though I know that it's not good for me.

He's such a little weasel.

I'm disappointed that he left it for Heather to tell me. I'm glad that she did, but it's slimey of him to make her do it.

At least now I have something to be angry about. It makes it a little bit easier to get past when I'm feeling hurt and angry. So i tell myself, anyway.

But I'm so hurt. And I know I just need to get over it. But I don't know if I can. My whole life is in turmoil. My finances are a mess. My job isn't a driving force anymore. I don't have any friends at work, and I really don't know if I have any friends left at all...I miss having Luke as my friend, although friends don't treat friends like this.

I am disappointed in him, because I expected better. But why I expected better is beyond me. He never considered my feelings once when we were dating, why would he start now?

I wonder if he ever felt anything? He seemed to when we were breaking up, but I don't know. Maybe that was a sham too because he thought it was how he was supposed to act. Maybe he WAS lonely, and that's why he hooked up with her. I doubt it. Heather suggested it, but I don't buy it.

I need to stop buying what I've been selling myself.

Things I don't need from Luke:

-his smoking
-his selfishness
-his lack of consideration
-his singlemindedness about work
-his lack of affection in public
-his inability to express emotion
-his internalization of everything important
-his inability to tell his parents about our relationship
-his addiction to sports
-his inability to look after himself
-his poor diet/eating out all the time
-his lack of ability to give me positive reinforcement
-his inability to make me feel sexy
-his small penis

Shame about this. It makes me sad that I need to do things like this to make myself feel better about it. Because it doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel small. It makes me sad...because he's smart. And he's funny. And he used to be my friend. And it really hurts me soo much that he's treating me like this. That I'm letting myself be hurt by him. Again.

So much for letting people in. They just kick you in the stomache when you're not looking.

Fucking weasel.

Wednesday

Day off today. Yesterday was long as we had the Team Meetings...I was at work for 6 am and then left about 5:30 pm. The six am meeting is specifically for the delivery drivers and yard associates--not a single one of them showed up. I had two part-time cashiers though--amazing that a 16 year old girl will show up 8 hours prior to her scheduled shift when someone else can't arrive 30 minutes early. Anyway--that was yesterday, this is now.

I, yet again, slept through most of my day off. I did finally awaken and then read a book. "Sister North". Not a bad piece of reading for a day.

I woke up this morning before 8 though with a bad dream. Yesterday (Hell, all week) I was missing Luke quite a bit before bed. I woke up to a dream of going to hte park and seeing him walking with his arm wrapped around some blonde girl--being as cozy and affectionate as I wished we had been able to be. I was almost sick to my stomach when I woke up.

I didn't think I had it this bad for him. Or maybe it's just the lonely finally hitting me. I do 'alone' quite well...but I don't do 'lonely' so much. I haven't really had to experience it for a long time.

When Ryan and I broke up, I was so messed up for ages...part of it was stress, part of it was the huge let-down from working so hard, and I think that part of it was that for almost 6 years I had assumed that he was 'THE ONE'.

With Kzelly, there wasn't any of that let-down...probably because I never let myself get that attached to begin with. I think also though, that it was partly because I got involved with Luke so quickly after I ended things with Kzelly.

Not fair, perhaps, but even so, I would have expected to be more upset after 3 years of involvement than only 14 months.

But I think that Luke and I were 'involved' long before we ever started dating. We were close friends--strong work allies--and I have had a crush on him a little bit ever since I can remember.

Apparently I like the skinny, sullen type. Boggles the mind.

So, today...I'm very lonely. I was feeling depressed. I was mad at myself because I wasted my day off, and then even angrier because I got a terrible crushing headache and couldn't do anything even if I had wanted to.

I went to get a coffee, hoping it would help to get some caffeine and some fresh air. Not so much. So I read some blogs, and then I went to the mall. I'm supposed to be on a financial starvation diet, however I still managed to eat Manchu Wok (noodles only) for supper and spend $4 on a Happy Bunny sticker that I love. "I'm not mean, you're just a sissy." It's for my locker at work...and I love it. I'm just bitter that it cost me $4. Plus tax. Sheesh.

So then I watched bad TV. I did manage to finally do my dishes and clean the kitchen. The sink is shining. The dish tray is full, but they're in the process of drying. The dishwasher isn't full enough to run, since I've managed to leave 1/2 a dozen bowls at the store over the last couple of weeks.

How do I manage my way out of a paper bag? I am so functional at work...and yet so inept at managing my own life.

I was wondering a bit tonight about how other people see me. I.e. what is their perception of me as a person? I *think* that they see someone who is more together than I really am, but not as together as I'd like them to think. :) I *think* they see me as someone who's financially on the ball...and I'm sooooo not. But I'd like to know. I think. I'm still actually a bit too scared to ask.

Kinda like how I'm scared to ask Scott if I'm doing what he wants me to do at the store. I want to go in and ASK him what I could do better...but I'm scared to, because then I'm afraid that he's going to not like the things I think I'm doing well. I know I have tons to work on...I'm not doing well with the promo skus, I'm not doing well at keeping my departments in stock...I'm not doing well at persistent daily standards maintenance. I think I'm doing better than the other managers were without me there, but I don't think I'm doing well by my own standards.

Granted, my standards are incredibly high. I'm a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to work. I think it's because I'm a control freak, and I can't manage to control any other parts of my life, so I obsess about work more than I should.

I wish I knew what I wanted when I grew up. And I wish that it didn't involve getting hitched and having babies in the next two years, befor dI'm too old to do it.

How do annoying stupid people get to fall in love and get married and I don't? (Yeah, I know--maybe it's because I'm judging the annoying stupid people and karma's biting me in the ass.) Why can't I just learn to be honest and open with people, and not worry about what other people think so much? Why did I care so much about looking silly with a younger man when I could have been so much happier letting things out into the open? Nobody cares as much as we did...adn we only did because we made it into such a big thing.

Oh well...too late to cry over spilt milk. I swore that if things were ever going to try again, he'd have to do it...and I have to count on that being the case. And he won't. Because he's too scared to do that. Of everything. How does one person get so scared?

I should know...I'm the same way. But I don't. Or I'd just stop.

One day, someone's going to figure out exactly what a huge fraud I am...what a sham my life is...and then where will I be? Alone.

Oh wait...I'm already here.

wednesday revisited

I forgot.

I broke down and phoned him tonight. I was planning to play it off as a friendly "haven't talked to you in a while, are you still being an ass, or are you ready to be my friend" call.

I called at five minutes to nine so it was still early enough on the off-hand chance he wasn't at work. He didn't answer. I assume he was at the store.

He doesn't have a machine, or caller id on this phone...so I know he wasn't screening. Although he may have been playing vedeo games and not bothered to answer.

Anyway. I'm a sucker.

But I miss him so much. It sucks not having a best friend anymore.

Monday's child

Fireworks tonight :) It was so foggy on Canada Day, and the day after...that the fireworks were postponed until tonight. And they were AMAZING.

That's two sets of fireworks I've seen this week! And both just outside my back door! I love this apartment...if only for its great location.

The fireworks were great, but they made me a bit sad. Funny that the ones last week didn't...but I was alone watching those ones...this time there were neightbours, and a couple sitting on a blanket. It made me sad, because last Canada Day I was sitting on a blanket in Fredericton with Luke watching the fireworks...and we had had a great day, so it was really a wonderful time. I miss that.

I've been really missing him the last few days. I wonder what's up with that...just hormonal, I guess. At least I haven't phoned him yet. Stupid boys. Stupid me, pining after a boy I know is not good for me. Sheesh. :)

It's funny...it's one of the shortest relationships that I've ever had, but even though it was weird--we didn't talk about it openly, we weren't all that affectionate in public...just odd...I felt so close to him. I guess I made myself do that. I don't think he ever felt close to me. If he did, he never said so.

I don't know if he hasn't called me because it's hard for him, or because he doesn't give a crap. He seemed to care...but it might just be that he thought that was what I needed him to seem like. I hate to be cynical, but it's easier that way. I need to remember that the advice I give mum is also good for me.

I need to call Amy tomorrow, as I am worried about her splitting with Jeremi. I'm also worried about how much she's drinking. I think there are worse things than if she were to come out here and stay for a while. I'd love to have her, and it would be good for both of us, I think. It'd shake me out of my gloom, and it'd keep her from drinking so much.

If she were to come here, I could have the puppy...because she could help me walk it until it was used to my house and my hours. That would be awesome. Hell, it'd be awesome to have her here anyway...I really envy the relationship that she and Jenny have always had...because they've lived so close together always. I know it's not good to be jealous, but I am.

I'm sad, and lonely, and jealous. :) And happy too--I got to see Fireworks. And Jayme at work is great. And Scott is awesome. And I'm in Halifax. And I have an amazing family...and I'm starting to straighten out my life and my priorities.

Doesn't get much better than this. Repeat that to yourself 600 times slowly. :) Then start over again.

pondering

So...Where does one find motivation? I'm not talking about inspiration. I don't need to be moved to do GREAT things...just things in general.

I've had the same piles of crap strewn about my living room floor for almost two weeks now. I know it would only take me 10 minutes to pick it all up and put it in a box. Likely the same box from which I took it--but I don't do it. I know how much better the living room would look. I know that then I could vacuum. I know that then I might be prepared to invite a friend over for a cup of tea...yet I still live in CHAOS.

It has taken me 7 years to complete my taxes for 1999. I'm not even sure that I actually completed the ones for 1998...but I think it's likely too late now.

I hoard things. I'm a pack-rat of the first order (I think that's genetic, but that's another story). I am terrible at completing paperwork on time, even if it means cash to myself...and goodness knows I can use the money. I.e. the taxes ($1500 return) and my moving expenses. I have been in this apartment for 5 months now--and the company owes me about $3000. I am too embarassed about handing in the expenses LATE...that I may not even bother to claim the cash. When I NEED the cash. Sheesh...

How do I let myself get into these situations?

More importantly though, how do I get out of them? I know I need to just get off my ass and make the first step...and I have, a little bit. Hey, I did my taxes!!! Only 4 more years to catch up on. And I will photocopy the receipts and send in the expenses this week...because that will keep the bill collectors away for at least a week.

But what then? How do I keep this from happening again? How did I get like this? And how can I possibly hope to have an honest relationship with another human being when I can't even be honest with myself about things like this?

I'm feeling a little bit lonely tonight, and missing Luke. I know it's not the thing to do...but I'm hormonal and sappy. And I really DO miss having him around...even if only on the phone as my work-friend. But I really liked having him as more than that. Oh well. You can't make someone love you...even with handcuffs and a tazer :)

Guess that's it for the self-reflection and analysis for one night.

I'm starting my gratitude journal again tongiht. And the fitness website is back up and going--some people showed up last month, so I'm going to make a concerted effort to get there and actually post. That way I'll be forced to watch what I eat and to get off my ass and exercise. I kinda lost my motivation when I lost my boyfriend. No need to look sexy naked when nobody sees you that way...but I need to change that mindset...all the more reason to look HOT. I used to feel attractive all the time...that's the one thing that being with LUKE didn't do for me...I never felt attractive, because I didn't know where I stood with him. Interesting the things we let people do to us. I always thought I was smarter than that...and apparently I'm not. And not only am I not smarter than that, but I actually miss the bugger and wish I could still be part of a couple with him as the other member. Sheesh...I should get my head read. Maybe I'm just as crazy as my father.