In order of appearance...

My first three thoughts this morning as I woke up.

1. Ugh. I have to get up. Stupid alarm.

2. I HATE getting out of bed. Mornings suck.

3. I wonder whatever happened to Chevy Chase? I mean, you haven't seen him in ANYTHING in years. Is he just off living his life, being fat, happy, and rich? Or has he entered some downward spiral of drugs and alcohol? Huh.

***

It's going to be that kind of day.

a taste of gaelic?

Tha mi cho iriosal, agus tha mo beilleag ana-bhlasta!
I am soooo humble, and my lips are delicious!

YEah.....trust me, I'm not the one that said that. :) Highly entertaining, nonetheless.

I was going to post last night, but was far too tired to do it. And then today, I was actually accomplishing stuff. Not a lot of stuff, mind you, but some stuff. And I accomplished it. So Nyeah!

I cleaned the bathroom (but didn't mop the floor), I changed my bed, washed my sheets, did more laundry, finally hung some pictures on the wall, and ate. Boy did I eat.

I also went to the gym. I nearly died at the gym. Great workout, but sheesh. Tracey gets gung-ho when she's been away for a couple of days. I need the challenge of someone pushing me, but it's still hard to do it! So after the gym, I was pooped. I got dressed to go to the mall, but realized I was starving. At which point I decided that I needed to come home and eat even more.

I studied a little bit tonight for Gaelic tomorrow, but not nearly enough.

I got a film developed yesterday, and it had photos from Christmas on it. :) Some were great, but some were grainy and fuzzy. Probably because the cameras have been living in my car for the last 2 months waiting to be dropped off for developing.

I left the other two cameras at the evil W-place, and will pick them up tomorrow if they're ready. I was only prepared to pay for 1 hour for one film. It was luck of the draw what was going to be on it. One of the other films will be camping photos from September. I'm looking forward to those! I don't know what's on the third camera. Surprise! That's the best part about dropping off films...the joy of surprise memories just reaching out from your past and reminding you of happy times.

I think that one of the things I love best about blogs from overseas--in particular Irish and British blogs--is their complete and utter disregard for most things American. Case in point? The Academy Awards.

I must have visited over 200 blogs in the last two days. And a good 90% of those are Americans. And almost every American blog mentioned, even in passing, the Oscars. Not to mention those that 'Live-blogged' them.

Can you not watch television for yourself, that you need someone to post an update every 5 minutes containing their witty commentary on every outfit, speech, and losing nominee? Or perhaps it's more a function of THEIR need for constant attention and reinforcement of their 'status' in blog-land--this need to expound the virtues of their opinion making abilities. Whatever the reason? I hate that shit.

I couldn't care less about your minute-by-minute breakdown of what star wore what, who farted before their cue, and how hard-done-by some over-paid, under-talented shmuck happens to be because they didn't win. Boo-freaking-hoo.

/rant off

Whew. Now I feel better. I've been bottling that up for two days. Two looooooong days of blog-stalking. But it's over now. Until next year. *shudder*

So I finally returned my library books today. (Yes, this is much more fascinating than Forrest Whittaker's wife's gown, isn't it.) They were only due on the 5th January.

I'm really TERRIBLE at things with deadlines. I don't do well with taxes, library books, parking tickets, drivers' licenses, anything with a VERY IMPORTANT deadline? I suck at.

In fact, I am really bad at all manner of important things. This is why I need a significant other. I've recently come to this realization. I NEED someone to look after me in the very basic facets of life.

Oh I can do laundry, and cook, and more or less keep a roof over my own head. But it's the day to day mundane things that are far beyond my capabilities. I've had a turn signal out on my car for about 6 weeks now. My rear tail light? Someone told me about a week and a half ago. Two days ago? I found out one of my headlights is out. These are all vital to my safety and the safety of others. And they need to be fixed. But. Did I do that today? No. Did I make it a priority? No more than washing my kitchen floor, which has been on The List(tm) for at least 2 months now. Since Lynn and Stew moved in. And considering they moved OUT over a month ago? Yeah.

So anybody wanna be my boyfriend? I need to be looked after. In exchange, I can offer you a constant supply of clean socks and underwear. I am really good at making sure your toothbrush is not too old, and you will always have a good supply of toiletries, tissues, and clean towels. I will feed you on a semi-regular basis if you are not too picky. I will feed you baked goods with wild abandon. I have figured out a fairly fool-proof method for how to pay the bills on time every month, and am nearly out from under my mountain of student debt. I can be funny, am usually at least mildly entertaining, and I am quite squishy for snuggling. I can also spell.

I DO require a fair bit of reassuring so that I know you actually like me, and my baked goods. I also have a fairly voracious appetite when it comes to naked passtimes. I enjoy them a lot, and think that people should practice their technique at pretty much every opportunity. I require that you be responsible for checking and changing the oil in the car. I also need you to change the tires as required, and look after all maintenance-type issues as pertains to the auto. I just can't be bothered, really. I will fix things as it suits me, so if you really think it needs to be done? Go for it. I'll appreciate it, and I'll tell you so. But it mostly wouldn't occur to me to ask you to do it. So that would have to be Your Job.

I hate doing dishes, but if you hug me while I am washing them? It's much more pleasant for both of us.

So yeah...if you think this is a job in which you might be interested, feel free to drop an application in the comment box, or email me a line or two as to your qualifications. I'm certain the resumes will be pouring in in no time. *snickeR* Hey, with someone as wonderful as me needing to be looked after? Who could blame them?

**the fine print: those who are currently attached, or otherwise occupied, need not apply. Also, you must be ---This tall to ride this ride. Keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times, one direction only, and no head-on collisions. Enjoy the ride!

Bored on a Tuesday afternoon?

Try the kitten cannon!!! Hours of fun and enjoyment. :)

Sunday fun.

Unconscious Mutterings - week 212

1. Soldier ::
on


2. Lipton ::
cup-a-soup


3. Reason::
rhyme


4. Terms ::
of endearment


5. Positive ::
reinforcement


6. Example ::
live so you can be one


7. Legacy ::
donation


8. Solo ::
flight


9. Instrument ::
song


10. Later ::
on

As always, you can play too! Free word association is fun! Go see Subliminal Lunanina for more details!

embedding test

And we have success!!!

Enjoy!

This cat swings! Rrrrrrowr!

I suck. And I'm sorry.

It's Saturday. Well, technically, it's even Sunday. And I haven't posted in days.

I could blame it on the lack of caffeine. I could blame it on Lent...(No, I didn't give up blogging, just coffee)...I could blame it on the rain. But really? I've just been busy. And preoccupied. And I've started about 6 posts, and not finished a single one. I've got 3 sitting in my drafts folder with some really witty (not really, actually) and clever (not by half!) lines...but can I finish them and bring them to a point where I can actually post them for public consumption? No way.

Anyhow...I'm exhausted, and can barely keep my eyes open...but I needed to post something and break the dry-spell. I'll post tomorrow.

***

Short rundown of my week?

Tues: worked.

Wed: Off. Lent started. No coffee, no fries. Gaelic. Fun.

Thurs: closed. Beer. Home earlyish, chatted with bill on IM after i got home. (I know!!! What's the point in that?! I'd just left talking to him!!!)

Friday: closed. (in bed by 11--I know!!! What's up with THAT?!)

Saturday: opened. Went to a party with Chris and Steven. Just got home. It was fun. Headache though...I'm thinking it's a lack of caffeine. Which is not bad if it took 4 days to set in.

Miss you guys. Details tomorrow, maybe. G'night!

Monday Musings

A series of random observations for a snowy Monday:

* I've got a rather unhealthy obsession (or two) going on. It's likely most of you have noticed. Thanks for not mentioning it. I'm considering seeking help.

* The help I may be seeking may or may not be at the bottom of a bottle.

* I love coming home for lunch in the middle of the day.

* I hate going back to work after coming home for lunch in the middle of the day.

* I hate disciplining full-grown men who behave like stubborn little boys in an attempt to get their way, even though they've been told repeatedly to smarten the hell up.

* I love vanilla tea.

* I love my car.

* I'm surprisingly broke at the moment, and have no real idea why.

* Even so, I find that I'm loathe to give Lynn and Stew a $$ figure in answer to the question, "So, whadda we owe ya?"

* I love getting new music sent to me. It makes me unreasonably happy inside.

* I skip a lot. I like that. I sometimes get so chock full of happy that it just leaks out in a hop-step.

* I really like to climb on things. I enjoy looking at things from a different perspective. I also just plain old like climbing on things.

* I really love my life in NS.

* I have a lot of acquaintances, and not a lot of friends. But the friends I do have? I love more than my HWB. And that's saying something.

* My HWB is my absolute favourite thing that I have ever spent money on. And that list includes my stereo, my silk pajamas, my car, and everything else that I've ever said I loved more than anything else.

* My internet went out for about an hour and a half tonight, and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. This is not a good thing. It is actually a very, very, bad thing.

* I love Variax. I can't imagine not having him in my life, even though I haven't connected with him in a couple of weeks. I also am absolutely, insanely, all-consumingly in love with my new sheets that he sent me.

* I love my sheets. (It bears repeating, trust me...1000 threadcount, people! 1000!)

* I miss sex.

* I very seldom dream. Or if I do? I never remember them.

* I've had 4 dreams in the past week.

* 2 were bad/scary/warped.

* 2 involved nudity. They were GOOD/bad/scary/warped. :)

* I miss sex. (Again, it bears repeating. Not that I intend to do anything about it, but...yeah.)

That's enough randomizing for one Monday evening. It's plenty long enough. And you all managed to muddle through yesterday's novella, so I think you deserve a bit of a day off. :)

Happy tomorrow, folks!

Weekend update - now without Dennis Miller!

Well, Dennis Miller hasn't done the Weekend Update in years, but I contest that it was never funnier than when he did.

I found this today, and it really made me giggle. I thought I'd put it here for your viewing pleasure.

I am still unable to put the picture down in the middle of my post. I find it quite annoying, and it must soon stop. Soon I shall have to call in the blog-experts for help. Either that, or I'll have to resort to actually READING the Blogger help-files. God help us all if that happens, because it's going to be a mighty cold day. You'll want to be sure and wear 2 pairs of socks.

This is going to be a very long post. You may want to go get a cup of tea, or a cookie, or some provisions. You'll definitely be wanting them by the end. Go on ahead to the kitchen and forage....we'll wait.

*

*

*

* (what are you DOING in there?! For goodness sake, just choose something and be done with it!)

*

*

*

There...now get comfy, and we'll begin.

You got a post Thirstday when I got back from my usual outing. It was a really lovely time this week. I mean, I always have fun, but for some reason I REALLY enjoyed this week. It was odd too, because they had moved the stage, and it forced us to sit in a new and strange location.

We usually end up sitting side-by-each on a bench on the wall so that we can see the band better (during the brief stint where we were actually dating it was so I could grope his leg, but that's another story!), but the way things were set up this time, we had to sit opposite in a booth instead. It was okay, although I like being able to see the other way best. But it was interesting that we were facing one another most of the time, as we generally don't look at one another while we speak. It was both easier and more difficult for me to hear Bill, as he's a mumbler. So it was harder, because I was farther away...but easier because I could see his lips move.

The bartender knows my drink. And that makes me incalculably happy. I know--I'm predictable enough to be a bartender's dream because I rarely, if ever, change it up...but I love that I walk up to the bar and he's already got his hand on the right kind of glass and is reaching for the Clancy's tap. When we were leaving the bar on Thursday too? We waved goodnight to the barkeep, and he said "See you next week!" I'm a regular!!! (yeah, yeah...i'm irregular too...funny. Shaddap.)

We gabbed a lot. He talked a lot. I gabbed a Lot, even though my original intent was to NOT speak as much. But whatever. I don't babble nearly so much at other people, and he doesn't seem to complain about it, so he can suck it up. If it bugged him that much, I'm sure he'd find something else to do on Thursdays. :)

So I was up late on Thursday...slept until 8:30 0n Friday, which was a lovely treat. I closed the store on Friday (as penance for having VD off). Worked until 9:30, got half-changed at work, and went to the gym to do the rest. I was driving by the gym, trying to figure out how I was going to change my shirt in the car when it was -5billion*C out, when I clued in and said, "Self--it's warm, and clean, and they have mirrors at the gym." So in I went. :) And while I was getting ready, I met a new friend!

Meagan is a new lady who just started at the gym. She's a single mom...well, not really. Her husband works away, and is only home on the weekends. So she might as WELL be a single mom, because she does all the stuff by herself. But anyway. That's her issue, not mine. She's nice. That's my issue. :)

Also, she gave me the nicest compliment you can get before you head out on the town! A random woman telling you 'Wow! you look AMAZING!' is the nicest thing a girl could hear! I was quite pleased with myself, let me tell you. :)

I was heading to the Lower Deck to meet up with Tracey and a pair of her friends from Australia. I had mentioned it to Billy on Thursday night as he was getting out of the car, but I didn't know if he was going to come meet us or not. I invited my buddies Steven and Chris to come with as well. Well, I invited Steven, and he invited Chris, but the result was the same. :)

I met up with Steve and Chris down at the Deck, and we went into the bar. We stood up where I always stand for a while, and then I finally saw Trace and her pals. They had the coveted corner table, so we went and sat. Tracey was quite mad at me that Bill wasn't with us and even more angry with me for not knowing what his plans were. So she called him from my cell phone. I'm not exactly sure what transpired there.

We were sitting in the corner, and the boys were drinking. Tracey was already quite sloppy, as they'd been at the bar since 9. And she can pack away the booze. She'd already had 9 shots when I saw her at 10:30, and she was showing no signs of stopping. She's a force to be reckoned with, let me tell you. She's so funny to me, because she has no qualms about walking up to someone and saying "Buy me a drink!" She will then consume the drink, say 'thanks!' and walk away.

This is in complete opposition to MY modus operandi...which is to politely decline all offers unless I intend to reciprocate. I don't like feeling obligated to make conversation with someone because they paid for my beverage. To me? It feels like I'm selling my time...but as she feels no compunction to waste time making conversation with these strange fellows? I guess it's not really such an issue after all! Well, not for her, anyway!

I was chatting with Steve and Chris in the corner...we were realizing how old we really are (hanging with Tracey who's 22 and her young pals--some of whom used to work for me at the store--really brought that home to Steve and Chris. I'm somewhat used to the feeling, myself.)...and I kept looking at my phone. At 11:43 I snapped it shut and put it down on the table once and for all. I must have sighed, because Steve said "Were you waiting for a call? I take it Bill's not coming?" Whereupon I called him a name, and said "meh, I don't know what you're talking about." I then called him another name, and we changed the subject. The funny thing is that I missed a call at 11:44 from Bill, who had been hanging out in the bar for about 45 minutes, apparently unable to find us. Mental telepathy or something. He DID manage to find us shortly thereafter, and pulled up some bench. :) Good times.

The herd of us had a great time. Well, I can't speak for everyone, but *I* had a great time. Steve and Chris drank so much that Chris cried all the way home in the car about how much he wanted to be in bed and NOT going to Pita Pit. Freaking baby. :)

Steven finally told Joanne (his invisible girlfriend) on Monday not to call him anymore unless she was getting counselling or was prepared to tell her kids/ex-hubby about him. So he was having a bit of an off night, and was projecting a little bit. Thankfully I was sober, so it was pretty easy to deflect. I'm hoping to not have to do that very often in the next little bit though...it gets tiring. I'll just have to make sure Chris is around if we're out, that's all.

After the band was done, we went upstairs to dance a little. Bill tried to bail, but I took his coat and made him come up with us. I have to say that I was quite impressed with the boy. He actually danced. He didn't want to. He REALLY didn't want to. I exerted a slight bit of peer-pressure. He said dancing was silly, which is why he didn't want to. But in the end, he did it because I asked him to. And he was actually pretty good at it. And he was even sober. Comfort zones are really interesting things. On Saturday, when I told him I was impressed he downplayed it as 'it wasn't really so bad once I got going'...which is typical. :)

I danced with Stevie, and Chris gave me shit for not dancing with HIM. I pointed out that he hadn't asked me. He pointed out that it was the 2000s and that girls could do that sort of thing nowadays. I pointed out that we'd have to WANT to first. It was entertaining. I enjoy Chris a lot. I'm really glad he came out to play. He and Steve had a riot. Tracey stole Chris' beer. I stole it back from her and drank it. It was a good time.

I love the Deck. Although, I don't enjoy the sitting in the corner. This was the first time I didn't meet new people while I was there. Granted, I had enough personalities to juggle and laugh at while we were there.

At the end of the night, I had misplaced Tracey. Bill said some drama had transpired and he had extricated himself and she had gone off with her other friends. I assumed she'd gone home and, because she came with them and not me, I was not really all that worried.

Bill was heading out, and the boys were still drinking so the three of us stayed in the MiddleDeck while Bill left for home. The three of us continued laughing and joking around. We decided to go to the AppleBarrel and get some food before we went home*. We headed out into the hall.

As I was walking out into the hall and considering a pit stop, I heard "SADIE!" coming somewhat desperately from the stairwell. I looked over, wondering who the heck was recognizing me...and it was poor Bill. And he was looking like a deer caught in the headlights. Tracey was bawling her eyes out sitting in the windowsill. I went over to 'help'. I laughed and asked Bill if he was all wet...he said 'yep, and I even got make-upped on!' Apparently there was some serious drama with Tracey and her friend Meagan...One called the other selfish, the other called the first bitchy, there was departing, name calling...and tears. Lots of sad, drunken tears.

I stepped in to do what I do so well. I gave some comforting, squeezy hugs. I smooched her forehead and told her everything would be much better in the morning. I wiped away tears. I offered to drive her home. I told her "I'll wipe away the tears, but you'll have to wipe the snot off yourself". This drew giggles from the onlookers, and some sense from Tracey. :) We were then able to move on to the car and homeward. Poor girl. Sad, drunken drama. Poor Bill. Made me giggle. Still does, when I think about it. He works so hard at avoiding drama--and he got sogged on. *snickeR* Sucker. He even let her call Brent in Alberta. From his cell phone. (She says it's free...I guess Somebody's going to find that out, isn't he? Heh.) Boys. :)

***

Saturday was Gaelic immersion!!! And what a good time I had! I don't know if I actually learned anything much, but I had fun, and I met a whole bunch of new people. Kathleen is really nice, and Beth-Ann came in half way through to teach a kids' class in the afternoon. I enjoy them both.

I have to figure out a way to invite Beth-Ann out without it seeming weird. She said she just moved to Halifax fairly recently, so I'm assuming she wouldn't know a lot of people. But she's just from Cape Breton, and people here in NS all seem to know each other from somewhere, so I may be wrong. But I think I'll invite her someplace anyway, just to be sure. She seems really cool, and it'd be fun to have a new friend. Especially a girl!

We had to draw pictures of ourselves and describe them in Gaelic, then we made lunch in Gaelic, and ate it, and after we played Bingo. I learned lots of numbers...the numbers are logical. They count in multiples of twenty...and ten. So 67 is three times 20, and ten and 7. Only in Gaelic. I can recognize the numbers if people say them, but I don't know them myself to say yet. I'm working on it!

I went to a party at Rhonda's on Saturday night and had a BLAST. It was a 'concert t-shirt' party, so we all had to wear concert Tees. It was nearly messy because I couldn't find one to wear. Bill was going to lend me one, but I finally found my Simon & Garfunkle t-shirt from when I saw them in 1993. It was a great show, but it felt odd last night to be going out wearing a black concert t-shirt that is about a billion sizes too big. It made me feel a little NASCAR.

The party was fun, and there were just enough people from work that I had people to talk to if I was feeling awkward--but as it turned out that wasn't a concern. There were a ton of people that were from Darcy's work, and tons of neighbourhood friends, so I met a bunch of new folks. Shy, I am not.

We all ended up dancing in the living room...and by all, I mean ALL. Every last person was up and shaking it by midnight. Granted, most were loaded, but even still...only one party-pooper in the entire place. By 12:30? The boys had all lost their shirts. Apparently they do it at all Rhonda's parties. Darcy's pals are 'in touch' with their nudity it would seem. *Grin* I heard that they usually lose their pants too, and strip down to the boxers. But after checking with Rhonda this afternoon, I found that this time was an exception and they stayed mostly clothed for the rest of the night after I left.

I had a blast, and only left at 1:45 because I could seriously not even keep my eyes open. I yawned 6 times in 5 minutes WHILE I was dancing, so I knew it was time to go.

Today? I slept in...made cookies...made soup...took out the trash. Bought some basic foodstuffs. I accomplished a whole lot of nothing, but boy did it feel good. I spent a lot of time on IM talking with the usuals (and one mildly annoying stalkerish man who won't take a polite hint). Rhonda sent me some photos from the party, and a couple were really great. I won't post them here, but if I know you and you want to see, drop me an email and I'll send out the link to my Flickr account.

I was going to go out to Windsor to see Lynn's house, but I didn't have the energy. Nor the gas. I don't know what I've been doing with my cash, because I sure as hell haven't been spending any, but for some reason my bank account is looking damned skimpy. I'm going to have to look into it and see if a bill got paid twice or something. Poverty does not become me, although I'm not so terrible at it as I'd like to believe. Years of experience, I guess.

I had an absolutely fantastic weekend. I got started with a great Thursday. I followed it up with a really good time at my HappyPlace(tm), dancing with boys, name-calling and girl comforting, then pita eating. Saturday night I went to an awesome house party, met a bunch of new folks. Today? Spent the day being cozy and domestic. I spent a lot of time on IM, too much--that much is certain--but just enough. I got TWO really great compliments. One Friday night from a random stranger, and one Saturday evening from someone whose opinion REALLY matters to me.

That's what I call a great weekend. And that, my internet lovelies, is my weekend update.

p.s. *The Apple Barrel was closed when we went there! We had to go to Pita Pit instead. Who knew? Apparently this guy did! I really should pay closer attention to the local news!

Anyway...3 hours and a really long post later. I'm TIRED. G'night! Happy new week!

Sunday fun.

Unconscious Mutterings - Week 211

1. Threshold :: doorway


2. Jason :: Bateman
   


3. Suspicion :: minds


4. Tender :: Elvis


5. Tempted :: by the fruits of another


6. Crimson :: hearts


7. Repulsive :: kidneys


8. Bulldog :: glue


9. Garage :: band
   


10. Racket :: din

Self-portrait, beyotch

This is not a REAL self-portrait. I can't recall the last time I wore a leather bra, let alone one that was missing the front bits. Oh wait...I can....it's never. But that's not to say that I couldn't be persuaded under the right circumstances.

Except that I'd be laughing like an asshole the entire time, because honestly....how can anyone take ANYONE, let alone themselves, seriously when wearing S&M gear? Or fronts-less undies, for that matter?

Heh.

Weekend update post will follow some time this afternoon. I have to go buy some sugar, finish some cookies, and head out to Lynn's. Tamara's also back from Cuba today, so I'll have to return her house-keys this afternoon as well.

I had a fantastic weekend, even though it didn't involve leathers and a shit-eating grin.

It's Thirstday!

Lots to say, nothing to say. :)

In a Google search? I'm the very first site to come up if you're looking for " 'S mise" That may not mean anything at all to you folks, but it means to me that the status of Scottish Gaelic is FAR worse off that any of us previously believed! When I'm the number one hit for "The name on me is..." (Hi, I'm...) there's serious problems in Scotland!

I had an absolutely lovely time tonight at ThirstdayBeer. I talked too much, which proves that just because someone hurts your feelings by accident, it doesn't mean you could change your character even if you wanted to. :) Absolutely lovely time.

Now? It's 2:26 am and I'm tired. I put in a load of laundry, read some email, ate some crackers, and now it's time for bed. I'll let you in on the gory details tomorrow....maybe.

It's time to head out to the Deck after work tomorrow night with Tracey and her pals. I may call his royal Billness to see if he wants to tag along. He seemed interested as he was getting out of the car, but who's to say. He's a boy, and you can't begin to comprehend what they may or may not be thinking. (SEE? I'm learning!!!!) Anyway...this weekend promises to be filled with fun, and even action packed.

Anybody got some Rage Against the Machine they can send me? I thought I had some, but apparently I was wrong. Curiousity, that's all.

Happy Sleep!! Talk at you Friday or Saturday...after Gaelic immersion on Saturday, that is!!! Wheeeeeee!

Good times. :)

ouch

"The secret of being a bore is to tell everything." [Voltaire, "Sept Discours en Vers sur l'Homme," 1738]

I won't be soothed.

I've been reading a bunch of blogs tonight. And everybody's got something to say about Valentine's day. I don't, really. I don't hate it, I don't love it. It doesn't make me melancholy, well, not any more than any other day. I don't think it's a 'fake' holiday any more than Saint Patrick's Day, or May 2-4 is a figment of my imagination.

But I don't have anything truly insightful to add, so I won't.

Have a valentine. :) I got one today at work, and it had a paper ring with a sparkly heart on it. All the Cool Kids wore our rings, and we were Wonder-Twins all day. It was fun.

I got candy-grams at work today, too--which just goes to show you that whingeing really DOES work. Two of the cashiers that I adore got me candy-grams. I got them some too, so it worked out well. I also got an anonymous one from one of the girls in the office, which was a really nice treat. I think they heard me whingeing too! Hee-hee!

Then? When the girls were coming in to start their shift after school, as I was heading out to go to Gaelic class? They gave me a delicious V-Day cupcake! With red icing and sprinkles!!! I'm so lucky.

If only it could have been brought to me by a bevy of half-naked Heath Ledger and Wentworth Miller lookalikes. Oh well, can't have everything, can we now?

I decided yesterday that I really like the look of a post with a picture in it, so I'm going to work on figuring out how to do it a bit more cleverly. I can't manage to put the picture IN the text, just at the top of the post with the words on either side. Which is fine, because it really does still look lovely and interesting and DIFFERENT, but I'd really love it if I could figure out how to actually make it do what I want it to instead of me having to always be the one to cave to the Blogger-Gods.

I traded shifts today, so I could go to Gaelic class. I gave up my entire Friday of my long weekend, so that I could work Friday night instead of Wednesday night. I was excited that someone was prepared to do this for me, because I really wanted to go to Gaelic.

I came home at lunch to grab my clothes. I hustled back to the store. At 5:00 pm sharp, I bailed mid-conversation to go and change so I could get ready to leave. I was on my way out at 5:14 pm when I got paged to meet my boss in one of the aisles. Because he KNEW I had to be someplace. Well, not really, but it seemed like it. He knew I was going straight to class, but I don't think he realized what time I needed to be there. I was out the door by 5:25 after I told him his idea was crap and wasn't going to work.

I rushed across the street to the evil W-place to pick up some cinnamon hearts to take to class. I was excited. I then rushed downtown through the 5:00 traffic. Granted, most of it was going the other direction-but there was traffic! I had time to grab a coffee, and arrived at class at 5:47 pm. Perfect timing.

I gathered my notes, my coffee, my sharing candies, and started across to the church hall. It was CRAZY windy as the storm we are currently being battered by was just beginning. I got to the door, and instead of the usual "GAELIC CLASS DOWNSTAIRS!" sign there was a replacement. "GAELIC CANCELLED TONIGHT--SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!"

I was so disappointed. I've been looking forward to it all week. I even PHONED Bill to let him know it was cancelled, that's how shocked I was. (We don't speak on the phone--it's weird, but suck it, it's my life.) I was suddenly adrift with no plans. And no focus. We all know how well I do without focus. It's messy. Anyway.

I was most disappointed that class had been cancelled, but I was especially pissed that I'd sacrificed my Friday so that I could basically get stood-up on Valentine's Day. And I only got 4 hours off this week instead of an actual DAY off, because I had to trade it away for the opportunity to get stood up on VDay by some random people I don't even know. So yeah. I guess there's a tiny bit of VD bitterness. But not much, and it's completely based on being fucked over, and not on the day of the week.

I *did* go around wishing people "Happy VD!" today. Somebody asked me what I 'got' for VDay...I responded with "A double-dose of Amoxycillin, but thanks for asking!" I'm all about the comedy. And that right there? Funny, funny stuff. I slay me, really.

I was going to go and get groceries tonight...because I haven't done that in about a month. I picked up some salad stuff on Monday at Pete's. And I bought eggs last week so I could make fortune cookies--but that's pretty much it. The cupboard is rather bare. I really should do something about that.

Oh yeah...attention span of a flea. So I was going to get groceries. But I didn't. [I/end thought]

I made sweet potato fries for dinner, because I had some sweet potatoes. I used up Lynn's last 4 (very small) potatoes, because they were wrinkly and had eyes all over. I couldn't stand the way those little buggers stared at me every time I peeked into the cupboard...so I showed them! I gouged out all their knobby little eyes! And then I ate them! Bastiges. They deserved it. So yeah...dinner was less than creative.

Read a lot of blogs tonight, got depressed by everyone being depressed. And as that was the result? I just stopped reading anything that said 'Being single sucks' or 'why i love being married' or 'I hate pseudo-holidays' or 'red is the new pink is the old...' You get the idea.

I DID decide that it might be time to update the sidebar. But I didn't do it. Because as soon as I decided it was time to update the sidebar? I also decided that it might be time to update the template. (All the cool kids are doing it, after all.) So I copied my entire template HTML into a word document, so I could just cut & paste everything back in. But after having done that, I thought better of my foolish ideas.

Yeah, really I didn't think better of it at all, I just looked at the Blogger templates I could find and didn't like any of them any better than I liked this one. That? And I'm pretty confident that I will somehow manage to fuck it all up and then lose my archives for all eternity. A techno-wizard I am not. Oh well, there's lots of time. It's not like I'm going anywhere any time soon. You're stuck with me.

I have to say, I'm enjoying the new increased traffic. And thanks for the extra link-ups, folks. You know who you are. And you're damn sexy, just so you know. (Yes, I just said that so you'd keep coming back. But I'm SURE it must be true. And you can pay me to say it repeatedly, you sexy devils! I'm not too proud to be paid to flatter you! Just call me Lolita, or Ingrid...or whatever. Just keep coming back!)

***

The wind is blowing so fiercely that it's coming in my bathroom fan. It's rattling my range hood exhaust on the INSIDE of my apartment. The trees outside my window are dancing quite a fandango. They're moving to a mix of Cake, the Pogues, the Dead Milkmen, Low Fidelity Allstars, and the Smiths all at once. Yeah, I know that's quite an earful. It's quite lovely to watch...but a bit scary at the same time. I'm glad that I'm here, tucked up nice and warm in my super-amazing sheets, with my uber-cozy duvet on top. It'd be nicer if I wasn't by myself, but hey...can't have everything.

But all that warmth and coziness considered? I won't be soothed. I'm pissed about Gaelic being cancelled. I'm mad that I had to give up my Friday evening, when I could have been down at the Lower Deck at 9 instead of 10:30. I'm cranky that I gave up my day off for no reason, even though I really enjoyed feeling like I'd stolen my decadent Monday afternoon.

Well, maybe I'll be soothed, just a little bit. Cake be damned.

Blah, blah, blah.

This is what a typical day in Sadie-land looks like. It's my job to convince them that storming out isn't the best option. Sometimes? Sometimes I don't want to, and I stand my ground. People don't know what to do when they threaten to shop at my competition and I suggest that if they feel that's their only option, that they should pursue it, and quickly. I figure, why waste my time? And idle threats? I mock your idle threats! I mock them thusly, HA!


I should be studying right now, instead of posting. I should be. I should also be finding myself some dinner, as I'm starving. Not 'going to waste away to nothing' starving, not 'there's children dying in Africa' starving, but gut-rumbling, hollow-feeling starving. I've thus far scarfed down 2 pieces of fruitcake (And man, did the extra 2 brandy soaks do wonders for that!!!), an apple, and a piece of peanut butter toast. I think my leg is hollow or something, because I'm still hungry.

Someone send me a cookie or something, before I pass out.

I let my temper get the best of me today, when I was randomly annoyed by another bout of fuckwittage from our head office. I ranted at poor Scott, who laughed at me (deservedly so), and cursed soundly the imbeciles we hire seemingly specifically for their lack of ability to plan or to demonstrate foresight and reasoning. After I was done I felt better; so I called the buyer in question and ranted at him for a while. Just more calmly. He didn't seem to see that there was a problem. As I said...morons. We hire morons and fuckwits.

Have I mentioned how in love I am with my spare room? I want Lynn to come and pick up their mattress, so I can have my room all to myself. I want to sit on my new futon and knit, or read, or study, or just sit. I enjoy how cozy it is, and how lovely my stuff looks in there. It's also helped to clear out my room a bit, and that can only be seen as a good thing.

I've got Gaelic class tomorrow night, and I have to say...I should have studied more this week. I'm feeling apprehensive about going to class, because I don't know enough! I don't know ANYTHING, to be honest. And Padraig's going to make me look dumb because I bet he knows EVERYTHING. Oh well, immersion this Saturday, and I'm very excited. Maybe then I'll have an opportunity to use it a bit, and I'll feel more comfortable with what I'm learning.

I was still sore today. So much so that I was walking funny. It was *exactly* like the day after the ball tournament. That'll teach me to do squats while balancing on a half-ball, and lunges like there's no freaking tomorrow. I'm not Susan Freaking Powter, and I really should not do more than a Twenty Minute workout! Here's hoping that tomorrow brings absolution!

Anyway...it's 11, and I have to open the store tomorrow morning at 6 because one of the guys' daughter is sick. So I'm going to go cram for an hour, then hit the hay. Happy Tuesday--

The Tao of Sadie

Just like Steve:

1. Eliminate your desires.
2. Do something excellent in her presence, thereby proving your sexual worthiness.
3. Retreat, for as Heidegger said, "We pursue that which retreats from us".

Or in short:

1. Be desireless
2. Be excellent
3. Be gone

My new mantra. Soon to be adopted. It'll make things more interesting, if not simpler.

Tonight I went for a drink with a new man. It was okay. I had chatted with him a fair bit online, and he seemed to be pleasant, chatty, and fairly intelligent. We'd had a couple of pretty decent conversations, so I wasn't too worried about not having anything much to talk about.

I happened to be online when he said 'hey, wanna get a coffee or something tonight?' and I didn't have plans except to start my taxes* so I said sure.

We went to Finbar's. It's a cozy little place, it's close to my house, and I don't hang out there much, so I wasn't likely to bump into any people I knew, or ruin any happy memories I had of the place--should the guy turn out to be a creep. :)

One beer, an order of fries, and an hour and a half of excruciating conversation. It was like pulling teeth, trying to talk to this guy. He was nice enough. Not my type physically, but pleasant. He was clean, he didn't smell bad. Too much facial hair for my taste, but meh, that's just a haircut. Anyway...

When we were chatting on MSN, Buddy had been a regular magpie. Chatted up a storm. Volunteered stuff, had clever commentary, and was even a little bit funny. I figured it'd be okay going to have coffee/beer because at least the time would go by.

Was I ever wrong.

I go into these things with zero expectations. I don't even expect that I'm going to make friends with these guys, because I have come to know how rare that is. But I DO expect that I'm going to not have to take an advanced degree in dentistry in order to be able to pass 60 minutes of pain-free social interaction. Pulling teeth, people. It's like pulling teeth. And I don't get it.

I don't think I'm that different in person than I am here on paper. I try to be honest about who and what I am. I don't tell contrived stories about my job, my education, my social life. I fabricate pretty much nothing. I don't change my language, or my manner, in order to impress anybody. I expect that what I give people online is pretty much what they're going to get in real life. I expect the same from them.

I am tired. I am tired of having to work so hard to even have a simple conversation. I'm a patient person. I understand that sometimes people are nervous. I understand that some people are shy. I work at trying to not be completely overwhelming for people if I get the impression that they may be uncomfortable. I know that I can be overly boisterous. I know that I can be loud, and bossy, and pushy. I work hard at NOT being those things with new people, because I know it can be Too Much. But man, oh man. I am TIRED of doing all the work.

I even asked Bill tonight if when we had met the first time in person, if I was different than I had been online. Because I have been remembering back, and he was pretty much exactly what I expected him to be. He pointed out that we'd been talking for months before we met, and that had probably helped, but that I was definitely 'me'.

I remembered thinking at the time what a revelation it was, because I'd met a bunch of folks and they'd all turned out to suck, and that it was amazing what a great time we'd had right away because things just fell into place naturally. But we were already pretty fast friends before we ever met up in person. And maybe that's part of my problem--I expect that everyone is going to be that way.

But honestly, shouldn't SOMEBODY be that way? I.e. the way they present themself? I know that people get nervous meeting someone new for the first time. Heck, don't we all at least a little bit? But sheesh...why is it always so damn much WORK? I'm getting tired of putting in all the effort at meeting new people. I don't think that simply showing up COUNTS. From now on, if they're not at least attempting to pull their half of the conversation? I'm going to stop asking questions. Awkward silences will reign supreme. Because right now, I fill the silences.

I ask open ended questions. I ask questions about things I couldn't care less about. I ask about their NASCAR addiction. I ask about their teacup poodle. I ask about their mother's trans-gendered boyfriend from Ghana. (Well, that WOULD be interesting, wouldn't it?!) When I'm asking this stuff? I've already decided if this person is worth the effort or not, I'm simply continuing because a) it's the polite thing to do, b) you seem like a decent guy, and c) there's still beer in my glass. And I'm going to stop.

Bill said that maybe they're just uncomfortable. And he's right, maybe they are. But I've usually got a pretty good radar for that. I am good at decoding 'uncomfortable'. I'm just getting less and less willing to deal with it. And that's not fair to these poor men I keep meeting. Because eventually I'm going to want to stop being nice. And I don't want that--it wouldn't be pretty for either of us.

***

I bailed on work today at noon-thirty, and considering it was my day off, I think I did pretty well. I didn't do much with my day, just some dishes, some laundry, and I moved a bookshelf...but I enjoyed my afternoon very much. There's something so decadent about coming home in the daytime. :) It's one of the reasons that I enjoy coming home for lunch sometimes, even if it means that things are a bit rushed getting back to the store.

Remember how yesterday I said I was feeling good about my gym time? How I felt 'used' and 'spent' and that those were really good words and a great way to feel? Next time I say that? Would you please, someone, hit me in the head with a Clue-by-four? I'm ACHEY. I have aches in my aches. I hurt muscles that I didn't even know existed before, and man...walking is like post-softball tournament suffering. It's evil. But you know what? Even saying that? I'm loving it. My obliques are killing me, and my abs were hurting as I was doing Kegels while washing dishes. Apparently the two sets of muscles are connected. No wonder! Anyway...OUCH.

I don't know if I let any of you in on my goal. Why I'm pushing so hard. Well, other than the fact that it just feels good to see results. And results I'm definitely seeing! My pants fit better, if not all a bit too big! My shirts fit better. I FEEL fantastic. But all that aside, because I've started to see results? I want more. MORE! I'm greedy, but only because I see things as attainable.

I want to be able to show off my stomach in public by my birthday. That's May2nd for those of you that keep track of such things. It's now February 12th (13th, since I'm up late--again) and that means I have only 2 and a half months of hard work to squeeze in. I don't know if I'll be at washboard status, but I definitely plan to be in a place where I'm not mortified to put on my bathing suit in public this summer. It's my goal. And I think it's attainable.

Granted, as I don't go around doing a whole lot of midriff showing now, I'm not likely to start simply because I'm Old(er) in May. But man...wouldn't it be slick to be 'Almost 40' and look amazing? I can't do anything about genetics, but I can definitely control my crunch quota! :)

Sad that it's my biggest goal in life these days. But nice to choose something attainable for once.

*Taxes. The bane of my existence. Yes, I still owe the government about 5 years worth. I suck, okay? I get it. If you happen to work for H&R Block, or you just want to be a good Samaritan and sift through 15 boxes of assorted crap from my last 6 moves in order to find my T4s and my RRSP receipts, your time would be greatly appreciated. I'd pay you in cookies. (I'd offer beer and dancing girls, but I still owe that to Bill for my brakes and I don't know if I can afford 2 sets of dancing girls--unless you manage to get me a super-duper refund cheque! Then bring on the dancing girls!)

That's it for me tonight, poppets. Time for bed. Hope your Monday went well :)

Something New

I'm going to try something new that I found over at JennieK's blog. It's a freewill word association game. The words are posted every week at LunaNina.com and then I will re-post them here with my own words added in. You can play too if you like, just go over to LunaNina and register. There's new words every Sunday.


Week 210 - Unconscious Mutterings:

1. The best thing ::
sunshine

2. Hold ::
my hand

3. Rapture ::
joy

4. Cover ::
song

5. Restrictive ::
rules

6. Baker ::
cupcakes

7. Author ::
Rand

8. Pill ::
safety

9. Months ::
winter

10. Valentine’s Day ::
disappointing

Heh.

It's funny because it's true is right!

Sundaynight :)

Sunday and the living is easy. I felt so much better when I woke up this morning, that I actually enjoyed going in to the store. It was a relief to be almost able to breathe on my own. I only had to take some Dayquil once today, and no aspirin at all. Good times.

I worked today, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I spent most of my day in the office. I spent pretty much the whole day catching up on paperwork, and filling out forms and checklists that our DM wants kept up to date on the offhand chance he bothers to ask for them.

I still have crazy quantities of paper that need sorting, but who's got the time for that? I'm busy doing my job most of the time. I don't even have a desk...how is it possible that I've got over 45lbs of paper that I carry back and forth in my backpack? Boggles the mind.

After work I went to the gym with Tracey. She wanted to use the free-weights and the body bar to try some of the stuff her personal trainer had taught her. I hate free-weights. HATE. But the one thing I hate even more? The Body Bar.

I do have to say though...I had a great workout. I forced myself to do crazy lunges and squats, and Trace's PT had encouraged her to use the ball for some weighted chest presses, and they were challenging, and fun. I also balanced out on the ball, while balancing my feet on the half-ball thingy...and then did the chest presses? Holy tough, batman. Fun though.

Tracey told me about a few moves her PT wants her to eventually work up to...so I tried a couple of them. I tried doing squats while balancing on the half-ball-planky-thing, and that was CRAZY tough. Trace also has to do planks while balancing on the half-ball, so I did that too...and added some push-ups for kicks.

I still did my regular abs and cardio, along with some chest-presses on the machine because I didn't really feel that the weight moves we did were very challenging.

Now? I feel used. It's such a good feeling to be muscle-tired. I don't get that in my every-day job, and I really like the feeling of having worked hard. Even if it's pretend work. But that said? I really felt great about the exercise.

I had 2 people ask me today if I was losing weight, which is odd, because I didn't think I was--5 pounds, but that's not a noticeable amount. But things appear to be shifting, and in favourable ways. My uniform pants are fitting differently, which is kind of a nice thing, but also a pain in the butt. The uniforms fit so poorly to begin with, that a droopy ass in my pants isn't exactly something I was aiming for. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.

I lucked out, because Mark said he'd trade shifts with me on Wednesday and Friday. I offered to work Friday night for him if he'd take my Wednesday night shift. I got scheduled for Wednesday night, which interferes with my Gaelic class. I was afraid I was going to have to skip it, and I was NOT happy about it. Lisa had plans, and c/wouldn't change. I didn't think Mark would either, as it's Valentine's day and I thought his wife would have a fit. But she's apparently working, so he jumped at the chance to get rid of his Friday night. :) I was supposed to be off on Friday, but I'm completely cool with taking an extra shift if it means I don't have to skip Gaelic. Although, I'm still going to try to get out of work tomorrow at 10 am...to make up for it. :)

I made the mistake of giving my MSN address to a new man last week. It was a BIG mistake. Because while he's a lovely man? He's got 2 teenage boys. I'm not interested. I've made that pretty clear, I thought. But he keeps chatting at me. I have nothing to SAY to him. I feel bad about that, but I just don't. I don't care about his kids' hockey game. I don't really care about his military job. I feel bad, because I have judged him based on two things he doesn't see as a detriment. But *I* do, and that should be enough. I don't want to date anyone who's in the military, and I don't want an insta-family.

Can't he just please fuck off now? Maybe I need to be meaner. But it's not HIS fault that I have stupid rules. I just do.

Someone else asked me tonight:

Some Moron says: so Sadie, how come an attractive woman like yourself is single?
Sadie says: because when people ask me questions like that, I cringe.

Perhaps I AM too picky. But I refuse to date morons. And people that ask me socially inappropriate questions. And people with no tact. If you know me well? And we're loaded? You can ask me annoying questions like that. But if you're just some guy? You don't get to ask me crap like that. Because it's a backhanded slam. It's not even a backhanded compliment.

If you want to tell me I'm pretty? Do it. If you want to tell me you think I'm nifty? Go for it. I will accept your compliment with grace. I will politely thank you, and we can move on. If you want to ask me a probative question? One that is intensely personal, and yet manages to insult everyone I've ever dated, or ever chosen not to date? I will Shut You Down.

Smug Marrieds always ask stupid questions like that. Do you think that if I knew the answer I wouldn't do something about it? Simply accusing me of being 'picky'--which is ALWAYS the next sentence to follow up my usual answer of ..."Uhm...I don't know? Lucky, I guess?" ... does NOT make things better.

"You must be too picky." What a statement. Is there such a thing as too picky? If I'm choosing someone with whom to spend the rest of my life, why wouldn't I want to do so with care? Who deserves to have their perfect foil? Who deserves to have someone who 'gets them'? We all do. And we should ALL hold out until we find that one person that we can't imagine NOT having in our lives. That person that makes you feel even MORE yourself than you are when you're on your own. The person that you want to have co-parent your children. We ALL deserve that. So no...I don't think I'm too picky.

I don't want to 'settle'. And I wouldn't want to ever find out that my partner felt that they had 'settled' for me. Because I can't think of anything more heartbreaking than to know that the person you've hitched your wagon to, really wishes your wagon was a Mercedes-Benz and not the Volvo you thought they wanted all along.

I don't know...maybe my expectations are not realistic. But I refuse to let other people decide for me what it is that I get to have or wish for in my life. I get to decide when to change my approach, not somebody else. And I refuse to let people's ignorant, prying questions make me feel uncomfortable. I choose to reply to these questions with a crack, or a joke, or a cold-stoney silence--until such time as they stop asking them. (When exactly *IS* Hell due to freeze over?)

G'night folks :)

Friday update.

Yesterday was Thursday. Which means a couple of things in my world. It means that I have a meeting at 2:00 pm, and it means ThirstdayBeer.

The meeting was going fairly well, right up until the middle. Just before we let half the people leave, I started feeling like crap. My head was stuffy, my nose was drippy. My overall equilibrium was off-kilter.

Luckily the meeting went long, so I only had about 30 minutes before I could leave. I helped a couple of people with some simple stuff, and then bailed right at 5. Something I very seldom ever do. I had to stop and drop off my library books, and had started to feel a bit better.

I went to the gym, but only stayed for 30 minutes. I did some cardio, some back, and some abs. Not much of anything, all told. I was pooped from the day before, and didn't have a whole lot of energy, so I went home.

I cooked some dinner, Bill sent me some tunes, I read some mail...then we went out for ThirstdayBeer.

Good times. And reveleations!!! It appears that Bill's not allergic to me after all! We've managed to attribute his sniffling when he's around me to laughter. So I was told to stop being funny. Yeah, like that's going to happen. *snicker*

It was supposed to be an early night, but SOMEONE decided they weren't going to work on Friday morning (hint: not me) so we stayed out. I invited myself to eat a grilled cheese sandwich at Bill's on the way home. It was tasty. I was hungry, but I also wanted to continue talking. I enjoy the debating/discussing/talking. So I ate it, and we chatted some more...and then I felt guiltier than guilty.

If I had just gone home straight away, Somebody would have gone straight to bed...and wouldn't have caved in and smoked. Twice. I felt soooo guilty. Because it had been 5 days. Which is an huge accomplishment. And I felt somewhat responsible for the caving in.

I know that *I* am not the addiction, and *I* didn't force him to do it--in fact, something else I feel bad about, I actually removed an unlit cigarette from his mouth while he was digging in the freezer. It's one thing for me to say 'you don't want to do that--please don't' and another entirely to physically intervene. So yeah--I feel a bit bad about that on two accounts. Oh well...this too shall pass.

***

So one of the things we talked about was something I just found out about on Thursday.

There's a new rumour at work. And will wonders never cease? It's about ME. Which is astonishing to me, because it's the first one (that I know of) in over 9 years. So...yeah.

A little background.

Once upon a time, about 8 or 9 years ago...back when I was a cashier, I worked for a man named Scott. Remarkably, after several moves around the Maritimes, I'm back to working for this same man. Keep this in mind, it's important.

So...about 8 or 9 years ago, one day in early February, Mr.Scott was cranky. CRANKY. Grumpy, even. And unreasonably so. The man had a thing for cinnamon hearts. So on my lunch, I went across the street to the evil W-place and bought him a bag of cinnamon hearts. I put a note on it, and stuck it in his In-box. "Dear Scott: Stop being so cranky. Eat these and sweeten up." EIGHT YEARS AGO.

Fast forward. There is one drawer in his desk that is communal--we keep keys there that the managers all need to use. Most of us open the drawer, take out the keys, close the drawer. We then open the drawer, put back the keys, close the drawer. My office manager? Apparently spends more time looking in the drawer than do I.

I went to lunch with R. on Thursday, and on the way back to the store, she mentioned the rumour to me. She figured I should know. And she's right. I wasn't angry with her, but MAN was I pissed.

Apparently, because my boss and his wife are splitting up? And I'm single? I'm the cause. Or at least, I'm the 'what we're doing now instead of being happily married'.

Where did this idea come from? I wondered myself. We don't interact any differently than ever before, and certainly no differently than the other female assistant. Except that she's married and I'm not.

But..where the idea came from. Candy hearts in the drawer. Apparently, I gave them to him. *boggle* The man is diabetic. I even give him crap about eating chips at the team meetings every month. I'd be highly unlikely to give him life-endangering candy, even if I was all up in the ickiness of dating one's boss. (which, for the record? Sooooo not into it. Ever.)

I was shocked to hear this. But even more shocked to hear that it was our office manager that was starting and perpetuating this rumour. The woman's an unmitigated sow. I wanted to elbow her in the face. Except that I have to pretend I don't know anything about it. Because to acknowledge it? Would add fuel to the fire. And I am so not interested in that.

What's really funny is that it can fly around the office as much as it wants...because nobody on the floor would ever buy it for a second. That's not how they know me. And they know just enough about me to know that I wouldn't ever get involved with anybody I work with. Not to mention, that I have my own life that exists entirely outside my workplace, and I try wherever possible to not mix up the two.

But it made me incredibly angry. Oh well. I'll have to pretend I don't know or care and move on.

***

This post has taken two days to write, because I'm sick. I started to feel crappy during the meeting on Thursday, and when I woke up on Friday morning? I felt like death warmed over.

Sore throat, the pain of a thousand paper-cuts sore. My head was stuffed up. My nose was drippy. And on top of that? My stomach was rebelling. Not pukey, but definitely rebellious. Suffice to say, I had a rather shitty day.

So I called in to work, and had very little voice even to make the calls. I went back to bed for the morning, and slept until just before my Dr. appointment at 2. I had a swab and a stern lecture about STILL not having my bloodwork done. She figures it's definitely strep, and prescribed antibiotics, but we're waiting on the cultures to be 100%. In the meantime, I am sucking back the Day/NyQuil and ibuprofen like they're going out of style.

I went in to close up the store and worked from 5 - close. It was nice to have a short shift, but I really felt out of it. And by 9:00 I wanted to crawl under some racking and die. My plan was that if someone wanted to complain at me? I was going to lick them just to get even. I figure that it's only fair. There's not many opportunities you get to get even with whiners just by virtue of existing in their general vicinity. :)

I avoided contact with pretty much all the people I work with, and when we did have to speak, I stood about 10 feet away so that I couldn't contaminate them. I have to work today as well, and I slept in for a good 4 extra hours. I'm going to head into the store for just after lunch. It'll be rough trying to do a full 9 hours, but it's not fair to M. to expect him to cover for me.

I had to miss out on a party with Stephen last night because I was sick. Which makes me sad, because I could have met some new people. Also, he's a freaking riot. I love feeding Newfies beer. It's a guaranteed good time :)

***
This post is long, but I still have stuff to say.

They're talking about the word 'smitten' on the radio right now. I love that word. They're right, not many people use it anymore. But they should! It's a great word. I think that they just don't use it because people are so quick to jump into bed with any passing fancy that they don't take the time to become smitten. It's a rare feeling. If you recall, I used that word here once...and I meant it. But I know that it's a rather rare experience.

Tracey asked me if I'd go to Moncton with her to pick up her boy. I would enjoy the trip down, I'm sure, but I'm thinking the trip home would be slightly more than awkward. Ah well. :) There's worse things, I'm sure. I'll likely do it, because it's something to do, and it'd be pretty fun.

We're headed out on Friday night too, because she's got friends from Australia coming in from out of town and we need to take them to the Lower Deck. :) I'm looking forward to it.

Saturday is saved for Gaelic immersion class! I'm totally hyped for this. :) I'm concerned though, because Lisa scheduled me for Wednesday night, which means no Gaelic class for me. Now usually, I'd be able to get somebody to trade with me no problems...but it's Valentine's day. Lisa won't trade, and I don't think Mark's wife is likely to let him trade either. So that means no Gaelic class for me. And it makes me sad. Especially since it's only my third lesson, and I don't know if I can catch back up of I miss a lesson early on. But we'll see.

Anyway, this weekend is looking like a good time, and I'm very excited about it. It's busy like my summer was busy, and I love the idea of that. I had a great summer this year, and am looking forward to much of the same. Things like this make me not want to leave Halifax. I really enjoy being busy--and busy with fun, happy stuff.

This is likely outrageously long, even for me...and it's time to head in to work. The drugs have just started to kick in--I can almost breathe again. So have a good day folks, and a happy Saturday night. I'll see you later. :)

What a great day!

Today was a great day. :)

I was off, but I didn't sleep it all away for once. I DID manage to sleep until 11, but then I got right up, showered, dressed, and got productive!

I cleaned the kitchen, I cleaned the living room. I tossed some stuff out. I decided today was the day for Mission Take-Back-The-Spare-Room. I completed the mission--with honours, even.

Then? After sorting out my den (nice to call it that!) and my living room, I managed to study a little bit. Not very much, but a little bit.

Gaelic class was fun, and nice having only 6 of us there. It was nice to learn a bit about everyone, and to be able to focus on some new words. I seem to be the only grammar keener there, but I think that Padraig is going to give me a run for my money in all other forms of keenerliness. He's funny though, and quite pleasant. He's a friend of Bill's, and apparently I met him at the Triangle, but I think we didn't actually meet, that we just waved at each other across the room once.

Anyway...after class, there was the 'stand around awkwardly and make stilted conversation with strangers' portion of the program. I am not good at that. It's funny, if they were all sitting around? I'd go and say hello and not feel weird at all. But it's that 'after the event' timing that always screws me up.

It's like coffee-hour after church. I know the people, and I just sat through the same event as them, we should have something to talk about. But I just can't do it. I feel stupid, and awkward, and like nobody wants to talk to me. I feel like I'm imposing on other people if I just walk up to their little cliques and start talking. I don't want to be interrupting. So I stand around awkwardly for a few minutes, glancing to the right and to the left, hoping someone else is feeling the same way, and that recognizing the slight panic in my eyes they will then come over and talk to me.

It's funny, because that's the only social situation that I ever feel out of place in. I don't know how to get past it. I have made myself stay at these gatherings, and I have attended more post-service coffee hours than I can even count, but it never seems to make it better. I still always feel like I'm imposing or being pushy. To combat this, I usually look for someone else who is standing by themself and say something vacuous like "Did you get some cake? It's really delicious."

Oh well...I guess everybody's got their issues. And if that's the extent of it? I think I'm doing alright.

After Gaelic I came home for my gear, then hit the gym for an hour and a half. What a GREAT workout. And I LOVE how empty the gym is after 8pm! I didn't have to wait for a single machine. In fact, I was able to do one set each on 4 machines, then go right back to the beginning and do a second set...in consecutive order. Made for no waiting between sets, as I could just move on to a different machine and work a different muscle group...then when I was back to the start? I was well rested and ready to go again! GREAT workout. I feel some slight muscle fatigue, but overall just well-used. :)

Oh yeah, and I weighed myself on the gym scale? And I'm down 5 pounds! Bizarre that...but I'm not knocking it! I need another 10 - 15 before I'm in bikini shape--or at least to shift it to muscle and relocate it. *grin* It's my stupid belly that's bugging me. I can see the muscles underneath--I just can't see them ON TOP where they belong. And nobody else would ever know that they're there. Not that anybody's looking these days, but you never know...that could change. (Yeah, yeah...I know. That would involve meeting new people, blah, blah, blah. But I don't LIKE new people. I've met a few lately, and really? In fact? They suck.)

*laugh* Actually, I may be meeting new people. Tracey called me tonight to see if I would meet her at the gym (couldn't because of class) and we chatted a bit. She'd asked me if I'd drive to Moncton with her next weekend to pick up Brent at the airport. She hates driving. (What's up with THAT?! Is it even POSSIBLE?) She said last time she just smoked the whole way there, but that now that she's not smoking, she's not up for the drive alone. Anyway...the point. I'm getting there.

She said she'd told Brent I might be coming with her. She also told Brent I needed a boyfriend, and asked him if he knew anybody. It made me laugh. She's so funny. She put in restrictions too--not mine, but they're pretty accurate for me not making them myself. No older than 35, no kids, no smoking. I asked her about the 35 thing...pointed out that *I* am 35, and that it shouldn't be that big a deal if they were a bit older than that. She said 'but you're YOUNG--he might be old and skuzzy'. I had to say that my experience proves her to be correct. So, yeah. Anyway...I thought it was funny that she's more concerned about my love-life, or lack thereof, than am I.

The kids thing? I didn't think it was an issue, but I've been talking to a couple of guys lately...and honestly? Having a 14 year old son freaks me the hell out. I could probably handle someone with a 3 or 4 year old...but teenagers? Hell, I've only ever changed half a dozen diapers. I don't want to deal with your teenager's emotional bullshit. I have enough of my own! Besides which, teenagers are rude, and they suck.

At least little kids can be molded...and you can teach them to say 'I polluted the atmosphere!' when they fart...my parents did it to me, and it's STILL funny now, dammit.

That is all. Back to your regularly scheduled sleep. :)

Update for a Wednesday afternoon

This 'taking back the house' mission is hard work. Tiring stuff. And...I think I've managed, in true Sadie style, to make a bigger mess than I had when I began.

I've moved the spare dresser into the spare room. It is no longer a television stand. Although the new television stand appears to be a bit too tall, it seems to be working moderately well in its new function.

I have learned that size is not the best indicator of whether or not a bedroom is adequate. And simply by virtue of being rectangular, said bedroom is not of optimal shape to fit furniture. If you have a door one one wall, a closet on another, and a window on a third, it really limits your furniture placement options. Particularly if you don't want to block off the doorway with the arm of your beautiful, new, (free), mission-style daybed. And you still want to fit in a dresser and a bookshelf. And a ton of boxes of unnecessary crap.

Time consuming. Yes. And have I studied yet today for my Gaelic class tonight? Hells no. I'm such a procrastinator. And yet? Today's the most productive day off I think I've had in over 6 months! So I can't complain. My spare room looks awesome. :) And tonight after the gym (after Gaelic)? I'll be hanging up my pictures finally.

A sure sign of the apocalypse. Or at least of an impending transfer. Bleh.

Anyway...back to the grind!

There are definitely worse ways to die.

What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?

You will drink too much gin. Not the worst way to die, but you won't remember too much of your life. Hey, at least you made some people laugh! Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

Good times.

Today was a pretty good day.

Early morning meeting, went quickly and fairly well. Not a bad day overall, only a couple of minor arguments with JS. Unfortunately, I assigned him a task that I know he will not complete. I will have to deal with that tomorrow. I hate getting to that point, but I'm at the end of my rope with this guy. He's his own worst enemy, but that doesn't make it any easier to have to discipline him.

The meeting tonight was good. :) Fast, good, and I didn't even have to pretend it was my birthday in order to have cake! Once in a while, we'll have a meeting where none of the attendees have birthdays that month...but since the cake is for everybody? We sing happy birthday anyway. I usually volunteer to be sung to. :) I'm a geek, I'm okay with that. I just REALLY like birthday cake. :)

Today? At lunch? I went to the post office. And I just need to state for the record, how much my friend Variax ROCKS the CASBAH!

I got sheets! Beautiful sheets! Willow coloured sheets! And they are the softest things I've ever touched.

You may know a little something about my stationery fetish...my 'thing' for pens and paper that goes beyond all reason? Yeah. Well that doesn't even BEGIN to touch on my 'thing' for beautiful fabrics. Gorgeous linens make me want to weep for joy. And if I hadn't already bawled my eyes out so much this week? These linens would have made that happen.*

Did you even KNOW that they made 1000 thread-count sheets? ONE THOUSAND THREAD COUNT. I'm in heaven. I wanted to take the rest of the afternoon off so I could just rub my face against the fabric and bask in its softness. I'm all sensual like that. :)

But I went to work. And I'm saving the sheets for tomorrow. And I can barely stand it. So excited. I have to wash them, is why I'm saving them. Not because I'm all masochistic about the concept of delayed gratification. Because, trust me, I'm all about the wanting things NOW. I was just too tired to wash them before bed tonight. :)

Oooooh....I have some amazing friends. *HUGS* Rob. And thanks again! :)

*********

* I, unlike other NORMAL human beings, have a finite number of tears available for use. I wasted mine last week on being sad. Pitiful, I know. I'll plan better next time.

Well, well, well.

Considering this? It makes one wonder why I'm still single. :)

Your Kissing Technique Is: Perfect

Your kissing technique is amazing - and you know it. You have the confidence to make the first move. And you always seem to know what kissing style is going to work best. Sometimes you're passionate, sometimes you're a tease. And you're always amazing!

Are You a Good Kisser?

Work was...work. Team meetings tonight, and tomorrow. Scott's out of town, so they were pretty dull. Although, surprisingly enough, Mark and I had a pretty decent meeting and we were out in good time. The cake, as always, was delicious. :)

So they're splitting up the Gaelic class so that the absolute beginners (like me!) go earlier, and the people who took it before go later. I don't know if I can make it downtown for 6 o'clock, but I'm going to give it a shot. I had so much FUN that I don't want to quit. That, and I've been studying, and I wouldn't want to waste the effort! :)

Overall, today was a better day.

I spent most of yesterday afternoon reading my own archives. I learned something. I learned that my posts are not as revealing as I was worried that they are. I realized that they serve the purpose I need them to, that is as a trigger to myself for feelings, memories and emotions. But they don't convey all of that to anybody who wasn't there. And considering all the drama I've created for myself the last couple of days? That's probably a good thing. :) It makes moving on that much more simple. :)

I apologize again for all the unnecessary excitement. I am not that excitable most of the time, but once the adrenaline and fear start pumping through my veins, it's a bit of a roller coaster to get things settled down again. I promise I'll treat this as a 'Dear ____' relationship email from now on. I'll sleep on any uber-dramatic posts overnight, and then if I'm still all worked up? Then I'll post it. Fair?

Mike made a good point. I DO type things here that are pretty personal. I put my emotions and my feelings out there on display. And I'm not that open a person in real life. I guess that's the cause for the paranoia.

I never considered, when I started the blog, that people I knew would find it. I also never really considered that anybody would care enough about what I had to say to bother coming back. I'm glad that you do though, it's almost like having a little online family.

I am going to stop stalking my SiteMeter too. Having the ability to back-stalk other people, while it makes me feel like Nancy Drew, isn't always such a good thing. I don't REALLY need to know everything. Especially if it's just going to stress me out.

I'm going back to just writing this, and not caring who reads it. If people read things they shouldn't? Well then...that's their problem, and they can have issues with it on their own time. I've got enough of my own issues to deal with. :)

It's gotten incredibly cold out tonight, and I'm not looking forward to getting up at the crack of dawn. I hate being cold.

Something else I've come to hate? Sleeping alone. It's so much warmer to have somebody else to stick your cold toes on! I love my HWB*, more than I can even explain, but a living, breathing, HWB would be even better. I'm just saying. Not that I'm looking all that hard. As it stands right now? I'm pretty content with my $4.99 investment. I don't want to have to toss a heart, a lung, and a set of Ginsu knives into the deal--just to warm up my toes. :)

*Hot Water Bottle - in case you weren't here last winter.

I really do miss sleeping with someone though. And not just because it's cold outside. I enjoy the cozy feeling of snuggling up beside your man, and feeling all warm and content and happy to just be where you're at. I don't even mind the occasional elbow in the nose, or the knee in the back...because it's a reminder that there's someone else there...someone that belongs right where they're at.

It's been a while. And I had a brief taste of it, and all it did was remind me that I was missing something. Something I hadn't really thought about for almost 2 years. You don't miss what you don't remember. But when you finally remember it? Wow. Who'da thought that yearning was such a lonely, achey feeling? And that it lasted so long?

***

I haven't talked to OJ in over a month. I'm starting to get worried about him. I need to get my act together and call him, to make sure he's doing okay. He hasn't blogged in a while, and I haven't seen him online. Perhaps he found himself a job and he's just been busy. Or equally good, perhaps he's found himself a woman and he's just been Busy. :) Alternately, perhaps he's been hit by a bus, or has passed out and is currently shivering inside a car somewhere in Vancouver. Let's hope not.

Variax sent me a present, and it's at the post office, but I haven't had a chance to go and pick it up yet. :( I was going to go on Friday, but I had an headache, and missed the post office by about 5 minutes on my way out to James B's birthday. Saturday? I worked through post office hours. Tonight? Same deal. So tomorrow I'm adding it to my list of things to do on my lunch, and I'm hoping it will still be there!

Rob's the coolest guy in the universe, as he's listened to my babbling and ranting for...oh my...10 years now? He's been in my life every day for ... EVER. He does the coolest random things sometimes...and this is one of them. He sent me a present! :) I love presents almost as much as I love Variax :) Amazing how you can have such good friends who live so far away. I haven't seen V in oh my...10 years now? :) But I can't imagine my life without him.

Okay, enough rambling. Bedtime. I'm up in 4.5 hours for the early morning Team Meeting. Thank goodness there will be coffee!

And the hits just keep on coming!

This has been a very rough week for me. Emotionally pillaged. That's me.

Monday saw me beaten. And I've been dealing with the wreckage all week. I tried to explain on Thirstday to Bill exactly how I felt. He couldn't understand WHY. And the more I tried to explain, the more he didn't get it. And as I was explaining, my stupid eyes started to water. So yeah. I guess I'm not as 'over it' as I thought/hoped I was.

Because I couldn't seem to make myself understood, I got brave (read: stupid). I decided that I'd send him my post. I made the mistake of TELLING him it was my post. I also emailed the post to my mom and my sisters, so they'd know what was going on with work without me having to call and explain it on the phone and thereby get all upset because they'd be far too sympathetic. Anyway. Back to the point at hand.

So. Because of Scott finding my blog, I've been having a little love affair with my site-meter.

As you can see from yesterday's post.

I logged in expecting to make a quick little post before I went out for the evening, and I found that someone had searched for the blog by quoting a VERY large chunk of Monday's post into the navbar. And as you can see? It freaked me out.

Because it meant it had to be ONE OF THEM.

You all know how to get here already. You all already KNOW my secrets. But this meant it had to be one of a very few people.

I freaked out. I knew it couldn't be Scott, he doesn't know how to do an advanced search. But I WANTED it to be Scott, because that would just be the same person seeing the same stuff he'd already seen. I was embarrassed when he found it the first time, but I haven't said anything negative about him, so I decided to get over it. I decided I didn't really mind.

But I asked him if it was him, and it clearly wasn't. He can be a pain in the ass sometimes with his feigned innocence, but this wasn't fake. He really CAN only find the blog by googling himself. :) (Sitemeter showed me that, too.)

I hurt his feelings when I was freaking out. He assumed it was all about him. It had nothing to do with HIM. It had to do with me and my perceived privacy. It had to do with SOMEBODY. Somebody I didn't know, or rather DID know and didn't want reading, consciously seeking me out and peeping into my bid-niss.

Yeah. So I did a bit more site-meter digging. And checked the archives. And checked my sent mail. And figured it out. But I wanted to be wrong. Because honestly? None of the options was good.

If it was my mother? It'd just be embarrassing. I don't want my mother reading about my relatively non-existent love-life. I don't want her to read about how shitty last Christmas was for me. I don't want her to read about how I don't really feel like I fit there anymore. It would hurt her feelings, and I would NEVER want to do that to her.

It wouldn't be Jen, because if it was? She'd have said Hi.

It wouldn't be Amy, because she has the skills, but she couldn't care less about spending time online. Also? She sent me an email right away after I sent her my Monday post, and she was all sympathy. She phoned me, to make sure I was okay.*

So that left one person. Only one other person had the access to the phrases. Only one other person had the clues required to operate Google. So yeah.

Bill was aware of the freaking out, because I was on MSN having a nervous breakdown while I was getting ready to go out--just after I'd found that I'd been outed. TWICE IN ONE WEEK. He played it cool, didn't volunteer anything. And I didn't ask him anything directly. Because I didn't want it to be him.

But after freaking out on Scott in one window, and hurting his feelings by calling him a stalker, I realized that it couldn't BE Scott. I had to apologize and come to grips with the deductions I've already listed up above. I went back to the Sitemeter for some more research.

And I looked at what they read.

And I got embarrassed.

And I said to Bill, "What did you read this afternoon?"

"Nothing."

"Ah. It's interesting about Google how you can track back and see who was looking at what."

"Uh. You can?"

*****

I went out. :) And I had a great time with the girls, much better than I expected, actually.

We went to the Lower Deck, and as it's my HappyPlace^TM it made me very happy to be there. I haven't been there since the summer, and I had forgotten how much I enjoy it. It's just so much FUN!

We got a post and 3 stools right away, which was awesome. Had a great view of the band, and tons of room. We laughed and joked all night. Sam mumbled on my left, Angela preened on my right. I sang along to pretty much every song and smiled like somebody had just given me an ice cream cone. :) It was fun.

We met a couple of fellas from Cape Breton...one was Joe Over-the-Top crazy outgoing. We made fun of each other all night. His opening line (for every single girl that walked by all night) was "Are you with the band?" Freaking hilarious. Because it was sooooooo much cheese. His buddy Robbie was a big, silent, very timid man. He was very nice, we chatted quite a lot because his flamboyant friend kept buggering off. Every time his friend left, there was this look of terror that would suddenly appear on Robbie's face. He would look around slightly panicked, then look back at me and I'd ask him a question, and he'd smile and then be fine. We chatted a fair bit.** His loud friend kept coming back and saying "He never talks--" and I'd say "We've been talking quite a bit. Mostly about what an arsehole you are, but we're chatting up a storm." And Robbie would laugh, and talk, and it was fine.

We had a riot. The boys had a good time. As evidenced by the fact that they followed us out of the bar. We were decidedly not interested Like That. But it was nice to meet them. The loud guy was annoying, very grabby, VERY drunk. But his big, quiet friend was very nice, and I enjoyed chatting with him.

We were getting into the car to go home, and Sam said "Sadie, I love going out with you!! You're so much FUN!" Which was nice to hear, because I wasn't sure how she felt about me very much. We don't interact a whole lot at work, and I always got the impression she was a little bit snooty. I found out last night (never give a Newfie a half a dozen drinks if you want a moment's silence!) that she's paranoid that people at work don't like her. She takes everything someone has ever said to her incredibly personally, and if there's a negative way to interpret it? That's the version she figures has happened. She is also more than a little bit vain. :) Which is also entertaining.

Angela's just Angela. She's still soooo shallow. But she's not nearly as confident in real life situations as she comes off at work, and I wonder why that is. She's all about being Pretty and Blonde, but then has no confidence that she's pulled it off. And she's stunning when she wants to be. She was also sober (as was I) and was decidedly unamused by drunk guy. And I know that she was embarrassed that I kept talking to the big, burly guy.

I figure, I'm just out to chat and have a good time. I'm not interested in picking up. I made it pretty clear that I just wanted to chat, so I wasn't worried. Besides, big guys need lovin' too. :)

So we had a great time. And then I came home.

And Bill was online. So we chatted briefly. He actually made a REAL profile on POF and it's really nice. It's sweet, and it SAYS something about him. And it makes me sad, because it'll probably work and then we won't be able to chill anymore. :) But that would make me happy too, because I know how happy it would make HIM.

So anyway. I just came out and asked him if it was him. And it was.

So...Hi Bill. ~wave~

Yeeeeeeah.

We had a nice chat last night, and he said more to me than I think he's ever said about 'stuff'. But I still am really no more informed than I was back in October. And I still don't know how I feel about being 'Outed'.

He said I don't have anything to be embarrassed about. Well. Yeah. Sure I don't. Because they're MY thoughts, and nobody should get to judge them. Except that I put them out here where people can do just that. And I know that nobody's as harsh a judge as I am (unless it's OJ)...but. BUT.

But I said he can keep reading if he wants to. Because honestly? I'd have likely let him read it if he'd ever shown the slightest bit of interest in the address. I never offered, and he never asked. And I figured that his lack of nosiness would keep it that way, and that was fine with me. But it wasn't. He's nosey after all. :) He said he didn't realize it was going to be like a diary. I pointed out that once he found that out, he stayed for a REALLY long time. And I didn't point out that I saw that he'd come back more than once, too. *laugh* But I said he can keep reading.

And well. Hell. We can't all be Twenty. I wish that I were so talented!

Anyway. So yeah.

I apologize for freaking out so much this week. It's been dramatastic around here, and that's not what I like in my life. I don't think my nerves can take any more drama, to be completely honest. So please. If I know you? And you're reading? Just drop me a freaking line. Wave in the comment box or something.

The two worst things in my world have happened this week, and I haven't died. So I think we're going to be just fine.

Today's a lovely day, so I think I'm going to the park. I need some time to just wander and remember how much I like nature. I haven't done that in a long while, and I miss it. And it's only -5* today, so it's a great day for it.

Have a happy Sunday, folks. I'll talk to you later today I'm sure. :)






*Mum did the same. It is nice to know that they care, but that's why I didn't call home on Monday. I didn't want sympathy yet. I didn't want pep-talks, I wanted to be sad, and angry, and disappointed, and I didn't want to have to be focussed on anybody else's feelings about my situation. I needed it to be all about ME, and I have to say, that when I get too much sympathy? I don't really know how to deal with it very well. I brush it off like so much dirt, because I'm not sure how to respond. I don't like to let people know that I'm hurt about things. I don't like to let people know that they've 'gotten in'. I don't know why, but I always figure that they'll somehow manage to perceive that as a weakness and use it 'to get me'. Persecution complex much?

** I hate when people look uncomfortable in social situations. If I can, I always try to make them feel more comfortable. When I go to a party? I usually look for somebody sitting alone in the corner to talk to. They're usually way more interesting than the loud-mouthed jackass that's screaming out for attention in the middle of the room.