Ahem.

It's been a really long couple of weeks.

This past week, in particular, has been trying.

Friday I mentioned that my boss was a fuckwad. I was correct, and mostly stand by this assertion. Saturday we got into it again, and at that point I told him that I was sick and tired of being the only person on the management 'Team' of whom there were expectations. I explained that I was becoming a cranky and angry person, and that That is not Who I Am. I explained that I needed a new job.

He was surprised, shocked, and quite a bit worried. I think he was afraid I was about to quit and leave him surrounded by a herd of morons. (which would clearly be the result if I were to unceremoniously quit) I explained that I wasn't enjoying the person I was becoming, and that it was a direct result of not feeling challenged and/or fulfilled by my job. He started to tell me that I needed to 'be patient' and I cut him off. "Don't even START to use that P-word with me. I've been MORE than patient, and I'm tired of it." He mentioned the tons of opportunities coming up in the (not-so)short term.

I indicated that I needed a serious change, and I needed it soon. I explained that if I didn't have a change by September, I was going back to school.

Full-fledged panic set in--he looked horrified. "Um...full-time? Would you quit altogether, or would you still work?"

"Of course I'd still work, I have to pay for it somehow."

"um...but would you still work HERE?" The panic in his voice was palpable, but he was trying to play it cool.

"Uh--Yeah. Where else do you think I'd go? I can't afford to work at Tim Hortons. I'd only be going back part-time. I don't know. I just know that I need a change."

He was very, VERY relieved.

We talked a bit more about changes at the store. He asked if I'd be happier with different departmental responsibilities. (I would not.) He asked if simply changing stores would make a difference, or if it would just be a Band-aid. I told him the truth--that it'd probably be alright for 6 months, and then I'd be even less happy than I am now.

I really don't know what will help, but I know I'm tired.

To be fair, part of the reason that I'm particularly cheesed off this week is because of the weather. "What's that got to do with anything," you ask yourself? It's been ridiculously hot this week. It's actually been Summer for the first time all summer. And that has coincided with the full-moon. Which makes for a deadly combination of bitchiness.

People have been meaner and nastier and more horrible in the last week than I've seen in 18 years of customer service experience. I have been hollered at, and called names, and told I'm stupid more times in the last 3 days than in the last 6 months combined. And I'm tired of it.

Now? After I listen to you bitch and rant at me over something trivial? I invariably disconnect, wait for the dial-tone, and mutter "goddamned bitch. No wonder the clerk told you to wait your turn, you ignorant sow. Maybe next time you should stay the fuck home." I never used to do that. Not out loud, anyway. My associates are starting to think I'm crazy, what with all the muttering under my breath and slamming my notebook on the table.

Anyway...it's been a crazy week. Today there was a thunderstorm, and a break in the heat, and I've never been so grateful in my life. Tonight? I went a whole 3 hours without getting a complaint phone call. It was heaven. Although every time my phone rang, my whole body would tense up in anticipation.

***

Saturday after work (close shift 3 of 7 for those of you keeping score at home) I went to a party for some friends that just got married. T & B snuck off and had an incredibly intimate ceremony with only her grandparents, and their witnesses. It was lovely (according to the photos), and the party yesterday was the celebration of the nuptials. It was a BBQ event that started at 3pm. Of course, I had to work, so for me it started at almost 11.

Angela came over after work, and we went together. The original plan was to cut out after a short visit to the bonfire, and meet up with Chris and the boys downtown. Angela met a boy (well, we both did) that she thought was looking at her all night, so we stayed out in Enfield a lot longer than originally planned. It was a fun time. I was surprised that she had as much fun as she did...but she did, and we didn't end up getting home until almost 4:30 am.

I got her established when we got back, and I finally hit the hay around 5:20 am. Good times, considering I had to be up at 7:30 to go to work for 8:15. Boy was I tired.

When I got home, my computer having been left on, I checked my email and my Facebook. Dan had 'poked' me, so I poked him back. Well, he was awake, so he did it again. I poked back, then logged off. As I was laying my head on my pillow, my phone rang. (Yes...5 am.) I answered it, assuming it was Tracey in Edmonton. It was Dan-O.

Now you may have to cast your memories back a ways to remember Dan. I met him last summer at Cheers one night when I was out with Lynn and Heidi. Then we spent a little time together, and I went to a wedding with him. I also invited myself to his New Year's Eve shindig.

We've emailed a bit, but haven't spoken on the phone really, or seen one another since January 1. So he called, because I was still awake and he'd just gotten home from the bar. We chatted for about 20 minutes, and then I explained that I HAD to go to bed, since I had to get up for work. "You have to WORK tomorrow?!"

I jokingly suggested he bring me coffee the next day and check out my new haircut. (Oh yeah! I got my hairs cut! And it looks awesome! Dramatic, but awesome!)

He actually did. Which was nice of him. And quite pleasant. We visited a bit. We discussed going for a drink some time soon. (I'm not sure if either of us quite meant it...but I'm sure that neither of us quite DIDN'T mean it, so we'll see.)

Yesterday was okay, but I was exhausted. I came home, and had a bit of a snooze. I was starving and had no food--so I took myself to Steak & Stein for supper. Me and Harry Potter had a hot date. *Grin*

I was starting to get a bit of an headache on the way there, and chalked it up to just being over-tired. But through the course of supper, it got progressively worse. On the way home in the car? It turned into a full-fledged migraine. I was having a hard time driving, what with having my eyes closed and all. I barely made it home without gouging my eyes out with my VW key. (that one, because the bendy nature of the key makes digging out your brains a lot easier to accomplish...working around the nasal cavity and such)

I went to sleep at 9:05 pm...I had taken a couple of extra-strength ibuprofen and layed down to pray for absolution. I managed to get to sleep, and crashed hard until 12:40 am. I was up for an hour or so, then slept hard again until 10 am this morning. I was supposed to start work at 10 am. Oopsie.

I've been sooooo unmotivated to be punctual lately. I really do seem to be working at getting my ass fired. I need to do something positive for myself in order to shake things up. (I'm not ever going to get fired--Even in my half-assed state, I still work harder and more effectively than any other manager in my store.) I WILL fix up my resume this week on my only day off. I WILL go to the university to see what I can take that interests me. I WILL start taking steps to make some positive changes in my life. I will, also, take steps to meet new and interesting people.

I've also determined that I need some serious changes in my social life. I'm not sure I've updated enough lately for you all to notice how much more time I've been spending meeting new folks already. I've been going where I'm invited, with reckless disregard for sleep or the age of my companions. It's beginning to resemble LAST summer, and I can only see that as a good thing at this point.

One of these days, (I hope) I may even meet some new boys. Which would be good, as I'm really starting to miss having a boyfriend. I miss the physical aspects of it. I miss hanging out, and holding hands, and kissing. I really miss kissing. Not to mention sex... *wist* But I really miss the closeness of a relationship. And I miss the just spending time doing cool stuff.

This has been becoming more and more apparent to me, but really hit home last weekend. Last Sunday when Billy and I went to Peggy's Cove and for a random automotive adventure, I had such a fantastic time just chilling. It was really nice to spend it with a friend--but it was the kind of day that would have been sooooo much nicer to spend with someone I wanted to hold hands with and smooch. (yep, I'd have to say that we really ARE moving on here, boys and girls--call Guiness!)

***

Random stuff I haven't mentioned:

I got a haircut on Friday morning before work. I went extreme. I got a pixie-cut, and it's super short. I alternate quite often between 'Oh my god, it's so chic! I love it!' and 'Oh my GOD! What in the name of Vidal Sassoon were you THINKING?!' All day at work on Friday, and most of Saturday, I kept catching my reflection in glass and mirrors, and literally jumping because I didn't recognize myself. And my hair was already pretty short. This was akin only to when I very first cut off my ass-length locks into a shorty-McShort-tousled-mop. But I like it. I nearly dyed it too, actually. Except I was afraid that when it finally wore off/washed out, my hair would have magically turned grey underneath. That scared the crap out of me, so I didn't do it.

The whole drama thing about being too old to have a family has been weighing heavy on my mind. It's made me feel really old, where I never did before. I was always somewhat hopeful (expectant?) that things would just fall into place for me when the time was right. That I'd meet somebody wonderful, who loved me more than air, and we'd marry, have a family, and live happily ever after. Now? I think about how old I am. And that my best friend is a guy, and that my day-to-day girlfriends are all kids. And it makes me melancholy.

I'm reticent to discuss it, as I don't relish the idea of being 'that girl'. I don't want to be the woman that dwells on getting married. (I want to someday.) I don't want to be the woman that is obsessed with babies. But I want them both. And in order for that to happen, it has to happen soon. Which would mean me getting 'out there' and actively pursuing a husband. Which is so completely and totally contradictory to how I want things to happen. Not to mention, it's just creepy and sinister and CALCULATED. It makes me anxious just thinking about it, so I've mostly been acknowledging that I'm confused, then pushing it aside. I'm not pretending the worries aren't there, just deciding to not dwell on them for the time being.

Finally, (you thought we'd never get here, didn't you?) I'm getting a new room-mate. It's one of the guys that I work with at the store. He seems like a nice enough kid. He's very discrete in talking about his living arrangements. He's not super-social with the gang at work, so I don't have to worry about having dozens of crazy work-related people in my apartment. I don't think I have to worry about him running his mouth telling people secrets about my social life (as non-existent as it may be). I'm really looking forward to having his cash. It'll take the pressure off a bit and allow me to cultivate an actual social life for the remainder of the summer; as well as helping me to pay off a couple of debts in a very speedy way. That will reduce my stress levels considerably. He's a nice guy. I hope we get along. I'm sure we will. I'll make it happen. *grin*

Okay folks, that's it for tonight. It's now almost 2 a.m. and I've been typing pretty much non-stop for well over an hour. It's time for bed. G'night!

Angry.

So my boss is a brain surgeon.

 

After blowing up at my boss--swearing at him, and ranting about something ENTIRELY rant-worthy and rant-deserving…we had moved on.  We were walking the sales floor as he was leaving for the day.

 

“Again…I’m sensing that you’re…I don’t know…you’re not happy with me.  You’re….?”

 

“ANGRY?!?”

 

“Yes, that’s it…you seem angry.”

 

“How perceptive of you.”

Probably not the way to win friends and influence people that Dale Carnegie was talking about.  I hope they don’t take my completion certificate away—although I apparently didn’t learn a whole lot 25 years ago when I took the course.  Oh well.

Sunday

Sunday was an absolutely wonderful day. It was gorgeous out. Sunshiney, hot, and beautifully breezy.

I slept in for quite a while--and when I got up, I wanted desperately to go out and eat. I actually just wanted bacon, but I didn't have any. And I don't shop on Sundays, so I couldn't go and get any. I debated my ability to make it to the Spartan before the church crowd got there, and determined that I was unable to work miracles, even on a Sunday morning.

Bill msgd that he was going to the Big Stop, so I invited myself along for some bacon. Breakfast was good. No Spartan homefries, but delish nonetheless.

Bill had been invited sailing, but didn't go because a) it was supposed to rain, and b) 'i have stuff i have to get done'. That stuff was laundry and groceries, etc. I explained my philosophy of life to him. That 'if you died tomorrow, would you be pleased that you'd done your dishes? Would you be concerned about having clean underwear? There are only so many beautiful, sunshiney days...and there will ALWAYS be laundry.'

I decided I was going to go to Lunenburg or someplace fun for a drive when I got home, to take advantage of the beautiful, sunshiney day. (did I mention the sunshine yet?!) After breakfast we crossed the street to look at a lame excuse for a roadside flea-market. On the way back across the street to the car, I said 'we should have an adventure!' And so we did.

We started driving--to nowhere. And ended up on the road to Peggy's Cove--which was amazing as always. It was surprisingly unbusy, with very, very few tourists there considering it was a spectacular Sunday in mid-July. We hung out there for a couple of hours I think. I sent postcards home to mum, dad, and Amy. I always do when I go there. I should do it more often, honestly, but it's so seldom that one is stopping at the post office as a tourist destination! I made Bill send his mother a post-card. I'm not sure what she's going to think--I'm pretty confident it's the first time he's done something like that.

After Peggy's Cove, there was much driving--headed out as far as Hubbards before turning around and coming home. We stopped in St.Margaret's Bay when I spotted the house that Angela had been looking at on MLS. It was a cute little house, but nowhere near worth what the price was listed at.

All in all? It was a fantastic day, and a spectacular weekend.

Monday was also pretty darned good. Work sucked a bit, but that seems to be the trend lately. I talked with Lisa, and she's just as frustrated as I am lately. Which, although it stinks, is good to know. At least it's not just me--it's the situation.

I was headed to the gym, but had left my gear at home. So home I went, right at 5:00 pm. As I headed into the house, I noticed a package by my door on the hallway floor. One of my neighbours must have intercepted the mailman and had him leave it there!

It was a Happy Day package from my mom!* It was awesome...and made me so chipper and cheery.

*When I was a kid, we would occasionally have Happy Day. There was no predicting when it might occur, the joy of Happy Day was the infrequency, and the element of surprise. We would come home from school, or sit down to supper, and by our place at the table would be sitting a small package wrapped in newspapers or flyers or colour comics. The packages were never anything remarkable. Sometimes a colouring book, more often a pair of socks or underwear. But it was always so much more special because it was giftwrapped. And it was a surprise. And we ALL got one at the same time.

So my package yesterday? A juicy, newsy note from mom...3 pairs of sports socks, 2 pairs of dress socks, and a BEAUTIFUL lined notebook in a Danier leather portfolio. It smells so good, and is so beautiful, that I don't want to use it! See? Happy Day presents make you happy. Everybody should have happy day now and again. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Today, being Tuesday, is a workday. I'm at the library on my lunch right now. In fact, I'm about to be 5 minutes late for work--but I don't much care. Today sucks. People suck quite a lot today. People are mean, and vicious, and rude. But people at the library suck a lot less than the general public today. Mainly because they're leaving me the fuck alone to blog. Which is great. It's 10 to 3, and I have only 2 hours left of work. Then I'm going to the gym to work out until I'm ready to drop. I'm going to lose 2 pounds in Sassy's 7 day challenge. (It was later changed from 7 weeks to 7 days, because we all sucked. It's now a goal of a pound a week. This week I have to lose 2, because I sucked so bad last week--must make up for lost time.) Then I'm going home to have ice cream and beer, and a swim in my pool.

Tomorrow is the day I gut the apartment to make room for my new roomie...who is planning to move in on August 1st--or this weekend, I'm not 100% sure. More about that tonight or tomorrow. Anyway...I feel much more cheery after dwelling on my happy weekend and my lovely last night. I can now face the evil hoards of consumers. Happy Tuesday afternoon...I'll see you again soon.

A lovely weekend off.

This past weekend was absolutely lovely.

Oh, it rained. It rained all day Friday. It rained all day Saturday. It POURED Saturday night. But it was a lovely weekend, nonetheless.

Thirstday was pleasant...new musician. First time I'd seen Billy in person since the emotionally charged week before. It was fine. Same as always. I sat a bit farther away, but it was pretty much normal otherwise.

Friday I was off...first time in nearly two weeks. And after the physically and emotionally exhausting week I'd had, I was never so happy to see a day off in my life. I slept until nearly noon, and it was FABULOUS.

I wandered a bit outside...walked to Tim's. That's pretty much the most ambitious thing I did all day long...and it was great. I was going to go out to Bearly's to see some really great local blues, but I bailed at the last minute. I was tired. So I stayed home...and stalked blogs until after 1 am instead. Yeah, glutton for punishment, I am.*

*My bloglines has recently been purged down to a scant 188 feeds. I spend ridiculous amounts of time online keeping up with you all. That's what I'm doing instead of posting. So quit being so interesting for JUST a day or so, would you? If you'd all just STOP for one day each...it would give me an extra 5 minutes to post....seriously. My eyes are starting to bug out.

Saturday was action packed. We went on an all-day Frenchy's excursion! For those of you not in Nova Scotia/the Maritimes...Frenchy's is a local phenomenon. It's a chain of thrift shops. They have big bins of clothes sorted by type and gender, and you dig through until you see something you like. It's normally the kind of thing that I absolutely HATE...but when it's a herd of girls on a mission? It's fun. It's an adventure. And this whole weekend was one solid adventure.

We did the tour of Frenchy's in the Valley. We went to Windsor, Grand Pre, Wolfville, New Minas, and two in Coldbrook. That was a lot of digging, let me tell you. It was fun though. And general concensus among our group? Coldbrook kicks butt. And not just because they have TWO separate Frenchy's there...but because those two are both individually far superior to their counterparts...and combined? Weeehaw.

I like the bargains of second-hand stores, and I support the idea of buying used but still good clothes...but I always get a bit squicked out by digging through other people's cast-offs. And what's funniest, is that I'm okay digging through bins of clothes at Frenchy's, but I won't shop at Value Village. VV smells funny, and I find their stuff to be WAY over-priced for buying used. I feel the same way about VVBoutique as I do about Winners. I find Winners to be WAY too much work to buy things that are neither a good deal, nor very good quality.

I confess, I'm a department store shopper. I want all the brown pants lined up on one rack, in size-order. I want to see an outfit on a mannequin and say 'I'll take one of those please', confident in the knowledge that there's lots more of 'those' available. I don't like the idea of finding something I love, only to discover that it's not big enough to even fit my left leg into.

After the shopping expedition (I got a pair of new Old Navy jeans, 2 pairs of shorts, half of this year's halloween costume, a shirt, a sweater vest, a tank top, and a kickin' pair of blue-suede shoes! All for under $25 including tax!) I came home to veg a bit. First order of business? A shower.

Saturday night brought with it a fest celebrating 'The Unfortunate Event of My 30th Birthday'. I have to say, what a great time. I ventured out to the Celtic Corner to meet up with Ms.Frozen Extremities herself, along with a ecouple of other bloggers and their RL friends and counterparts. I was the odd man out, but not for long. I was welcomed (quite literally!) with open arms.

The fest at the pub was fun--I met a ton of new people, a sexy green monster, and chatted VERY briefly with Creepy Terry. Good times! And I loved Ms.Extremeties--we gabbed and gabbed.

After everyone else headed home, I was heading to Ange's for ANOTHER party...so I took Ms.Extreme with me. It was an Extreme birthday celebration! I admired her bravery, considering that she only just 'met' me, and got in a strange car to drive off to the wilds of Beaverbank! Needless to say though, I got her home safe, mostly sound, and definitely in one piece. Granted, it was laaaate (early?) Sunday morning. *CAcKLE* I'm a bad influence. Or she is. Either way? I'm soooooo glad I went to her birthday party...new friends kick butt!

Too tired to continue...except that Sunday was also incredible. Tonight I fell in love with a house that I can't buy because somebody already did (among many other more tangible reasons--like having no money!). And since most of the new people I met on Saturday knit? I've been inspired...I'm going to make THIS. Mwahahaa! I'm all about the complicated projects. *snicker*

Happy snoozes, Shmoozes! Talk to you tomorrow.

This is AWESOME...

check this out. So cool.

my favourite one...I know...I'm a sick bastard

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Happy Thirstday!

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

tuesday, july 17th

Hello my lovelies—

Update time, I think. Saturday night was a pretty fun time. I rushed home after work to change clothes and to get all fancied up. I then hustled out to Sam’s to meet up with the girlies.

They were all well into the bag (as opposed to only being half-in-the-bag) when I arrived. It was entertaining. We were silly, and giddy, and giggling at various and assorted ‘girl’ things. We ended up not leaving Sam’s until about 11:20 pm, so we didn’t head to the Lower Deck as was the original plan. We went straight to Cheers, so we’d only end up paying one cover and not having to relocate after just a half-hour in the first bar.

It was nice to see Heidi again, she’s a lot of fun. It was her first night out since the baby was born—he was home alone with Rob. She did quite well, but you could tell every now and again that she was concerned that they were making out okay.

We had stopped at her house on the way downtown to pick up her ID, so I got to pop inside and see S. sleeping. I leaned in to sniff his little head.* He was lovely. Rob (her boyfriend-type person) was on the couch. He grunted at Heidi, and sat up a bit to speak to me. They didn’t smooch, or even accidentally betray any affection for one another while we were in the house. It made me sad. Heidi said later on at the bar, that ‘S is his life’. But that makes me sad…because while S. should be a MAJOR focus in his life, the woman he’s chosen to spend the rest of his life with should be just as major a focus, if not even more so.

*Is there any smell on earth that is better than that--that soft, delicious, New-Baby smell? I don’t think so. Somebody asked me what they smelled like, and I said a combination of vanilla, ice cream, and hugs. All things that are Good in the world!

The bar was okay…Angela was trashed, and spent the entire night talking about her ex-boyfriend and how he dumped her. It’s really quite sad, how poor her self-esteem is. She’s a singularly beautiful girl, who doesn’t understand what power she wields.

Heidi and Lynn and I spent most of the evening chatting while Sam and Ange schmoozed some young boys. It was fun enough. We danced a bit, and at about 20 to 2 I decided I’d had enough for one night. Especially considering I had to be at work at 8 to open the store.

Lynn and Heidi and I headed for home, leaving the other two at the bar. We hit Pizza Corner, I had street meat (I hate pizza corner pizza), and then headed for home.

Sunday was tiring, but it was fun to go out with the girls on Saturday. Well worth it, considering the drama and stress I had all week long.

**

Now we are Wednesday. I’ll finish up in a separate post.

Feeling a bit spinny...

I'll tell you all about last night's Grrrls' Night Out adventure in the morning.

I'm going to bed now, because I'm dizzy. I thought it would pass, but it hasn't. I have tried to lay down once, and got the spins. I'm hoping that opening the window will help a little. I've never been woozy without the boozy before...it's not pleasant. Not that the spins are EVER pleasant...

But in happier news...Principessa has gone and said nice things about me over there...perhaps I'm just lightheaded from the compliments? (Mentioned in the same post as Mist1?! No freaking doubt!) Yeah, that's it! That's the ticket.

G'night folks--more tomorrow. And I really am fine, so don't be fussin' over me. I just told you...i dunno why. Because I told you. Just in case it's not fine. You know how it is.

Remote posting

So it’s Girls’ Night Out tonight—a very small and select herd of us will be venturing downtown to witness the debauchery that is Tallships 2007.  Yeah, it’s not really all that debaucherous, as 3 out of 5 of us won’t be beveraging, but it’s still bound to be a good time.

 

I am still physically exhausted from my totally-Emo week, and today did not help matters much.  I am on my third close shift in a row, and with quite limited amounts of sleep every day for the last week—culminating with only 3 on Thursday night/Friday morning—I’m pretty wiped out.  I was supposed to work today at 10 AM.

 

Yes, you read that correctly: “I was supposed to work…at 10 AM”.  I was sleeping VERY soundly in my bed this morning.  I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, as I was overtired, and my mind was racing a bit; so when I finally passed out around 1 AM, I was quite happy to know that I didn’t have to get up until 8:45.

 

At 6:55 AM I struggled awake.  There was an annoying noise going on somewhere in the room.  A ringing of some sort.  As I finally managed to sit up, and pry my eyes open, I realized that it was the telephone.  I reached for it as it stopped making the offensive sound.  ‘Who the hell is that, and where do I find them to dole out the beating,’ I thought to myself as I punched in the code for my voicemail. 

 

“Um…Hi Sarah…I know that it’s not you that’s supposed to be on this morning, but nobody’s here and we can’t get ahold of anybody with a key…and do you know Scott’s phone number?”

 

“Shit.”

 

I scrambled out of bed and reached for my pants with one hand and my cell phone with the other.  I quickly found my boss in my contact list and hit Send.  “Hello?!”

“Are you even anywhere NEAR the store?”

 

“No!  I just woke up! I’ve been trying to get a hold of somebody!”

 

“Fine.  I’ll go open.  See you later.”

 

So I then called Randy back with a “I’ll be there in 8 minutes”

 

9 minutes later I screeched to a halt at the contractor’s doors and let the waiting staffers into the building.  I had one of the cashiers run and unlock the front door while I scrambled into the cash office to open the safe and get the tills started.

 

What a morning.  I’d have much preferred another 2 hours in bed to the kick of adrenaline that racing around town and apologizing to contractors gave me.  I *did* go back to bed when I got home again at 8…even though I should have gone to the gym and to get a desperately needed haircut.  Meh.  I needed the sleep pretty desperately too! J

 

Tonight has been incredibly dull at the store.  Dead.  Dead. Dead.  It’s been a beautiful evening; hot and sunny still, even at almost 9 pm.  Also, with the Tall Ships in town the people have so many better things to do with their time!  Like me J

 

Now it’s almost 9, so I have to go do some work so I can head for a nice cold beer, some good company, and hopefully some cute boys!!!

 

See you later, poppets!  Happy Saturday night!

 

 

 

 

It was okay.

It was okay.

I swallowed my pride and apologized for over-reacting. He apologized to me for being a dink and speaking out of line.

We talked, and talked, and talked, and talked, and talked. Into the wee hours of the morning. About important stuff, and not so important stuff.

And I cried like a fucking BABY. And he was enough of a man to come over and hold me tightly until I could stop heaving and I managed to catch my breath. And then I think he started to understand how much it hurt me to say I was too old to have a family of my own.

Because it CRUSHED me. I'll likely talk about this at a later date, because I always knew it was a big deal to me...but I don't think even I realized just HOW big a deal it was to me. And i guess it really, really is.

Anyway.

I'm in a much healthier place now. And the air, she be clear. Well, much, MUCH more clear anyway.

***

I hope.

Not quite sure what to do...

...so I'm off to make a poor life decision.

I'm sure there will be more wailing and gnashing of teeth at a later time tonight. You should just kick me now--because obviously one of you forgot your promise to slap me.

p.s. I'm so drained. And tired. And really, really empty. And stupid. Did I mention stupid? I should freaking LISTEN to Einstein. He's a smart guy.

'business opportunity' or sales pitch?

So Steven had made an appointment to come see me tonight, about a business opportunity he was looking at. Which was odd, but okay. He didn't tell me much about it before hand...and by 'not much' I mean 'NOTHING'.

I was eating my supper when the buzzer went, so I openend the buzzer and went to fill the kettle. I figured that we'd have some tea and a chat and he'd tell me whatever it was he had going on.

I hollered 'come in!' at the knock on the door. And in walked Steve, and some strange guy.

I was glad I'd cleaned up!

It turned out to be exactly what he promised me it wasn't. Some sort of 'chain' sales purchasing plan...which is a fancy way to say 'pyramid'. Which is a lovely way to say 'fuck-you, Steven, for taking advantage of our friendship'.

And today was not a great day to be doing that...because the 2 hours of sleep, on top of the emotional wreckage, and the spending my day off at work being bitter and angry about having to be there, and the getting chewed out by my DM for supposed deficiencies in my learning comprehension.

So yeah.

I got to talk to Tracey on the phone tonight. That made me happy. I miss her. I need some sleep. I'm drained.

I'm not as cheery as I was a bit ago, because of some ill-advised MSN...but I'll work on that.

Talk to you folks tomorrow--as I begin the first of my 7 day stretch of close shifts. Bleh. The good news is, no Thirstday outing tomorrow--so I'm all yours! You lucky devils!

G'night.

It's not you--it's your uterus!

Wow. Where to begin.

Likely with the ending.

I wasn't going to post that last one. I was going to let sleeping dogs lie. But...yeah. That just wouldn't be me, now would it?

So I ignored him all night. Didn't message. Didn't say anything. Knew he was doing the same thing. Finally I msg'd about how co-dependent we'd become. And how lonely it was when we weren't speaking.

I prattled on a bit about my shitty day at work...then said 'i know why i was ignoring you. why were you ignoring me?'

Apparently HE was mad at ME too. Why? I had to ask. Because he thought posting on my blog was a rude way to let him know I was moving on. *boggle* Last time I checked this wasn't a private message board, it was MY BLOG. Where I put whatever the hell I like.

Anyway...we discussed. We argued. I poked and prodded. I finally, and decisively found out why he doesn't want to be with me. And it's a fucking stupid reason. But it is good to finally know. And now? Now I can move ahead. But not without a word from our sponsors...

Random quote #1:
"I love how he's such a douche-bag!" - Jo. (love of my life, and saver of my sanity)

Why? Well...I'm going to be a bit of a douche-bag here myself and post this one final thing, and then move on with the rest of my life. An excerpt:

sadie says:

you were up front, and said you didn't want anything from me.

sadie says:

but you have to understand...that I can't live like that forever. I need to take some steps to move on with my fucking life.

sadie says:

hit enter already.

Bill says:

listen, just because i don't think we should "be together" doesn't mean it doesn't make me VERY sad that we can't.

sadie says:

i don't understand that.

Bill says:

if i was to tell you the real reason, you'd think i was the BIGGEST arsehole in the world.

sadie says:

hard to believe I'd think you were bigger than now.

Bill says:

thanks.

sadie says:

look at it from my perspective for a second.

sadie says:

so fucking TELL me.

Bill says:

because i want a big family. and a women having kids when she reaches 50 is wrong for the kids. i'm SO sorry.

Wow. It's not me, it's my uterus! That's gotta be a new one...I can't imagine it would get a whole lot of use in most relationships. Anyway...boggles the mind.

(how many kids IS that? 14 at least? Keep dreaming if you think you're going to find a woman these days that's prepared to stay home and pop out kids one a year for the rest of her youthful days--what is this? 1847?)

And for me? The reason is that I can't imagine wasting another second pining over someone who's such a moron. And if it weren't such a horrible thing to do, I'd wish him sterility*. But I wouldn't, because although I'll post my MSN chats here, I'm not really such an evil bitch as that.

What's particularly interesting though, is that he's 30. And believes in long acquaintances. And long engagements. So even if he meets someone tomorrow, he'd be 33 before he was hitched up and could start baby-making. How fair is THAT? Anyway. *boggle* (not to mention that in the last YEAR, he never once mentioned this desire for bay-bees. Ever. Or, knowing how old i was when we met...made an effort to not get involved in the first place.) Fucking moron.

Which I already knew. But this DOES make things a bit simpler. And it's nice to finally KNOW. And he did apologize for jerking me around emotionally...but i don't think he quite understood how he'd been doing it.

He *did* have the delusional idea that my friends might consider dating him after he had dated me. Apparently I look like a dating service for the fucked up and forlorn. Think again.

Joanna is one of the best friends ever, because at 1:00 am, she said 'let's go for coffee--right now.' And stayed up rehashing crap, talking about work, boys, her big raise!, more rehashing, and letting me spew--until 3:00 am.

I have to go in to work at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow, on my day off...to tour around with my DM. Where I will likely have my ass chewed. Because my boss is a moron who hung me out to dry. Right when there are new career opportunities (that I WANT) coming along. Oh well.

I just have to remember to keep my mouth shut during the chewing. Because I'm going to be crankier than I would have been anyway, and waaaaay over-tired. Not to mention sad, lonely, and miserable.

If you're around, you should send cookies, and caffeine. But I'd send them...you aren't going to want to get too close to this bear for the next few days.

Sorry folks--but at least you know that this is the end of it. (for a day or two anyway...but at least if it's posted here, I can re-read it and remember why I'm angry and sad.)

I'm going to put back the post that I took down, with all the melodramatic opining about what's going on with what...'should I talk to him? should I not? blah-blah-freaking blah.' Next time I pull this bullshit, somebody do me a big favour and slap me**, wouldja?

Okay folks...it's 4:30 am and this girlie's gotta a) get some sleep, and b) move on with her life. So good night for now...and hopefully a better post tomorrow. Or not. But I'll do my best. G'morning.



*(could you imagine though, after all this...marrying someone with 'fresh eggs', and finding out that those eggs just won't hatch? That'd be horrible. And yet so poetic--in a purely Alanis kind of way.)

**This is like when you promised to never let me use the words 'perm' and 'i should get a' in the same sentence. Because...that's actually worked quite well for the last 15 years.

stop the insanity.

Oh my.

Anger. Frustration. And even a good dose of sadness.

Anonymous comments don't usually bug me. Except when I know where they come from. And I know what place they come from inside that particular person. Then they bug me a lot.

Apparently it 'wasn't intended to be taken so seriously'. Whatever. But I'm angry. And I'm mostly just hurt.

I don't care if random strangers judge me. Honestly? That's what a blog is for. (Love you all to bits, but honestly? You can just fuck off if you don't like me or my life.) But when people that you know, care about, and love, judge you and your THOUGHTS? Not even your ACTIONS? That's decidedly unkosher.

So I did what I had to do. (Me and my 'HAD TO's'.) I started something. Which may be the beginning of the end.

I knew the end had to come sooner or later. You can't be best friends with someone, love them, care about them, and not date them forever. Eventually one of us had to rip off the bandaid. I think I gave it a really, REALLY good tug tonight. It's just hanging by a little sticky chunk...that's all twined up in the hairs on my arm. You know those ones...that you work at it and work at it, hoping to pull it right off? And it just HURTS. So you stop. And then you try again? And it HURTS. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again...and expecting a different result." - Albert Einstein

That's where I've been. I've been working at calling it quits--breaking the cycle. And this may have done it. I mentioned that in saying one doesn't want to be with me, and then me working at buying into that, one forfeits one's right to judge me. One forfeits one's right to an opinion about who/what/how/when/how often I fuck.

***

I left this overnight. I am still angry about it...but have moved on quite decisively.

We spoke a little bit after this, and are on speaking terms once again. Although barely. And only because I wanted to 'fix things'. I'm a sucker like that. Anyway. I'm still moving on.

A real post will follow later tonight. With much less bile (or even consideration) wasted on thinking about this same old bullshit. I will expend my bile on my work for once, and you can all just mull over that instead! *grin*

Unconscious Mutterings - Week 231

1. Happen :: stance


2. Terribly :: sad
   


3. History :: past


4. Master :: mind


5. Petrified :: scared


6. Moan :: sex


7. Attack :: trained


8. Picture :: this


9. Students :: teachers
   


10. Potter :: HARRY!

Do your own Unconscious Muttering!

I am in love with Imogen Heap. Enjoy.

Yes.

Drunk, I am so very.

Well, not so much anymore, actually...but still...yes.

I'm not at home. So I'll have to try and remember to clear the cache before I pass out. Remind me, wouldja?

I came to a party. It was fun. I may have found a new F w/B...but we'll see. Not tonight, but soon. I think there was adequate discussion and innuendo to come to an 'arrangement'. We'll have to discuss at a later date. On one hand? Not so cool...because I enjoy the work relationship. But. I'd also enjoy the getting laid portion of the program. Oh yes, I would.

It would be completely and totally irrelevant to either of our jobs, so that's no issue. There's also no real issue of either of us pining away over the other--although I really *AM* all that.

Ha! Besides...there's always 26. Who's now 27. He had a birthday too. HA! Life catches up with all of us! (shame you really can't go backwards. I'd love to give 21 another try--now that I know what power I've got, and what few repercussions there really are in life. But. I can't go backwards--just live in the now.)

Yes. Drunk. Not such a bad thing. Although I'm blogging at somebody else's house at 5:30 am...when everyone else is long since asleep.

Oh well!

I didn't get to the Highland Games at all today, but tomorrow afternoon is the pipe and drum band parade. It's apparently the largest in Canada, so I'm looking forward to it.

I'd go home now, since everybody else is asleep--except that I'm too drunk. I'd stop drinking and go to sleep like everybody else--except that I have an almost full beer left. I'd not care so much about that, but I'm blogging. You see the sacrifices I'm prepared to make on your behalf? I should hope you appreciate it! ('yeah, whatever, Sadie.' I heard you think it. I'm still in the room you know. Thanks for that.)

So...I got distracted by Facebook. Now it's 6:12 am..and the birds are chirping, the sun is coming up, and the boys will be awake again in 45 minutes. I should likely go have a nap. I'll be back later today. Oh...I just looked over my shoulder. The sun's not coming up. It's waaaaay up already.

*sigh* What a great time. Wheeee. The only thing that would have been better? Getting laid. Yes...I said it. I'm posting it. And you are all just going to have to cope. So there.

Volunteers? I'm accepting applications!

G'morning folks!

Wasn't that a party?

Well...here I am, drinking tea and feeling full, whiling away the last delicious moments of my vacation. What? You ask yourself--home on a Thirstday night? Yes, poppets, yes I am. I'm TIRED. (and poor--but that's for another story*) And being Tired, when I was given a lovely opportunity to back out gracefully--I jumped all over that puppy.

Stanfest was wonderful--thanks for asking! I heard a ton of new music, and a ton of old music, sung by musicians and songwriters both old and young. It rained only for about an hour, most of which was spent inside the arena listening to Ron Hynes and Dave Gunning. The other bit of time that it rained was while I was trying to cook supper--but it was minimal. And we then napped, so it was all good. My favourite discovery during Stanfest was The Tom Fun Orchestra. Man, those kids can ROCK. So much fun! Here's their song 'Watchmaker' (i'll test later to make sure the link works). Listen all the way through, it gets so fast and fun. And Alicia Penney's got a great voice. If for no other reason than this band, I am glad I went.

So there was the least amount of rain they've had on record for the 3 day festival. And it was not so horrifyingly cold as to frost, either. Canso's a beautiful little town of 900 people. 600 of those people were volunteers with the music festival. The festival means THAT much revenue to the town. And for the most part, the tourists/campers/visitors were respectful of that.

The camping in the open field was fun, but a bit cozy. We had a village spring up right next to us, which was fine...but they didn't start really partying until about 2:30 am each night. They went until about 6 am, and then woke up at 7:30 am to start over again. Oh to be 20 again--NOT! (yeah, I SO just did that...the whole 'NOT' thing. I'm embarrassed enough already. Just let it go, wouldja?)

We beveraged quite a lot, but still tried to sleep. Poor Angela nearly froze. But she was SUCH a good sport. It was clearly not her type of music, but she was game for all of it. We even got up to dance like hippies at one point--'twas fun.

There was a slight delay in the getting there--as I am directionally challenged. We drove almost all the way to Windsor before it was realized that we were on the wrong highway, and headed in entirely the wrong direction. This only added about 45 minutes to our trip. (Yeah, ONLY. I suck. I'm aware.) To be fair (to me!) nobody piped up and mentioned that we were going the wrong way until I realized it myself. So... :PPPPPP

We stopped in Antigonish at Bill's house on the way to Canso. His plan was to pick up his tent--I'm not sure where he thought we'd fit it into the car--but it was his plan. The car was so full, with 3 people and their associated crap, that I don't think we could have even fit in a wafer. Not even a wafer. A bucket would have hardly contained the fallout!

We got to his folks house, met his family, convinced him there was NO WAY another tent was going to fit into the car...and his mom fed us supper! Wheee. His folks are lovely people. Angela spoke 4 whole words the entire time we were there. That was a bit awkward--but I guess I'm just not used to people who are shy with new people. I tend to be 'good with people' so it never occurs to me that everyone isn't. Anyway...they're lovely people and I was glad to meet them.

The festival itself was a great time. We were cozy and warm in our tent, as we took a ton of extra blankets. Having three people makes things a lot warmer too. We ate well, and except for the sad lack of campfire it was a great camping weekend.

We stopped in Antigonish again on the way back to the city on Monday...Bill was hoping the tent would fit in this time. (Can we say delusional?) It did not. There wasn't anybody home when we got there, so we peed and had a drink of water, and were headed back out onto the road. As we were standing on the lawn, Bill spotted his dad over at the neighbour's house. His dad waved, and drove back over to home. (This is the country--it's quite reasonable to drive to your neighbour's house. It's also feasible to have neighbours that live close enough that you can identify people on the lawn and still have to drive over to have a visit. This is exactly how close I like my neighbours to be, in fact. Close enough that if you go missing, someone notices...but far enough away that you don't have to make idle chit-chat every day about nothing.)

So after standing on the lawn for a bit--Angela and I giggling about how much alike Bill and his dad were, and how men always seem awkward a bit when they're making conversation--Bill's dad persuaded us to stay for a cup of tea. Angela wanted to just go home, but she was a VERY good sport about it. She was more comfortable this time around too, and chatted a bit with Bill's dad.

His dad's a riot, as he was trying desperately to feed us--and was at a complete loss in the kitchen. We had politely declined any dinner, as we'd had chicken fajitas for breakfast around 11--so we were still pretty full. He was staring into the fridge and all around trying to come up with something. He offered us sandwiches, which we again politely declined. The poor man then was staring into the cupboard and said to me in a slightly desperate tone, 'Campbell's chunky soup?' I said, 'no, honestly, we just ate...we're full. but thank you so much!' He went back to staring in the fridge again. He said something about a sandwich...I offered to make HIM a sandwich, if he wanted me to. He said, 'oh no, She left me a sandwich, I was just looking for you folks.' It was adorable. Anyway...he offered me a beer, which I accepted, and then the world was balanced out again. I had half and gave the other half to Bill.

We had a lovely chat with his dad before we hit the road. The man's funny. I really enjoyed him a lot.

The drive up was lovely, and I missed most of it looking at the road, so I let/made Bill drive home from 'Nish. I got to stare out the window and admire the scenery. It was spectacular. And sunny and warm and beautiful the entire trip. I have to say, that as far as vacation trips go, it was a fantastic way to spend a weekend.

Tuesday I slept until noon. It was FAAAAAAANtastic. It was a sunny and beautiful day. I didn't do much except put up the tent to dry it out, and try to clear up some of my camping gear. I washed everything again, did laundry, and mucked around in the house most of the afternoon.

Tuesday evening I went to a fancy dinner (read: sales pitch) for a tax-shelter at the Westin. It's a tax-shelter disguised as a charitable foundation...quite cleverly too. It's a fantastic opportunity, as a tax shelter. But they really rubbed me the wrong way by trying to convince me that we were doing good deeds at the same time. I mean, yes, a small portion of the donation actually makes it to Third World countries...and it's probably the same portion (in fact it's exactly the same portion) as if I wrote a cheque to WorldVision...but don't show me a tax shelter and call it philanthropy. Because I know the difference. And it makes me feel dirty, not charitable.

But as a tax investment? Fantastic opportunity. If I can come up with the cash, I'll likely consider it. It would mean a huge tax savings in April when I file. Steve's been involved for 3 years now, and has done incredibly well with it. I trust him more than I trust the meatheads that were pitching the investment. Anyway...we'll see. I have a few weeks to decide what I want to do about it.

Yesterday was another lovely day, and I spent it doing not much. Are you noticing the trend? Although, I do have to say that my 'not much' this vacation is a huge contrast to last year's summer vacation. Last year I pretty much sat on my sofa all day and got depressed. This year was MUCH better...and I'm tired out by it, so it's been a good vacation overall.

I even made it to the gym yesterday, if only for a very short cardio workout. The point is that I got myself there. Then, I got to go out sailing! The guy Bill goes with was short a body to race with, so I got to go. I'm not sure that anybody was THAT desperate, but I got to meet some new people and had a great time. I didn't do a whole lot except stay out of the way. I got to pull some sheets a couple of times, and was able to climb up on the bow and hold out the mast with my body...so it was fun. We won by a longshot in actual RACING--but with the handicaps, I think we actually ended up second.

The funniest part, is that the guy whose boat it was, plays ball and ball-hockey with Steve and Crutcher. Crutcher's girlfriend is the one that I sail with. It was quite a little 'six-degrees-of-separation' moment when we figured out that little circle of life. Which just goes to show you that small towns (and small cities too) really are a lot smaller than people ever want to believe.

Last night after sailing, I went down to the Triangle to meet up with Billy and Pat for the CD release of The Gig Dogs. It was fun. I nearly backed out though, because I was so exhausted. I was even half-way there and I wanted to turn back to home. But I went, and I had fun.

I was NOT impressed with the barstaff though. I've always thought it was really expensive to drink at the Old Triangle...and it is. Compared to the Celtic Corner, anyway. But last night, buddy poured me a Clancy's and said '$6.50'. I handed him my debit card. He then had to go ring it in, and punch it up in the debit machine, and hand me a receipt. The cash register reciept actually showed the beer as being '$5.51' INCLUDING TAX. Which annoyed the crap out of me. I shouldn't have tipped him. But I did, because I'm a pansy like that. But that fucker tried to rip me off. I was unamused. And will henceforth drink domestic beer at the Old Triangle. And always ask for a receipt. Fwah.

So today was my last day of freedom. Again, I slept in for most of the morning. It was delicious. I did more laundry, folded some, tidied some, dished some. I went and had coffee with Steven at his office. On my way out the door, Sailing Sarah called me to see if I could sail tonight. I was stoked.

My sailing schedule is laid out for the summer, you see. There's 8 of us, and only 6 will fit on the boat during any one race. Our instructor from the pre-season lessons is also coming with us each week. And SailingSarah is always on the boat, natch, because it's her boat. So we're on a scheduled rotation. Last Thursday was supposed to be my turn, but I couldn't go. So this week there was an opening, and she asked me to go. Except that it poured buckets of rain. Buckets, and buckets, and buckets of rain. So much rain, that sailing was a no-go. Which was okay too, because it meant that a) i wasn't going to be late; and b) I could actually go to the gym for real.

I went to the gym for almost 2 hours. I did 40 minutes of cardio, and full-circuits of the machines. I did arms, legs, AND back. I did 3 sets of 75 crunches each...plus an additional 50 reverse flyes on the ball. I feel GREAT. Tired, but great.

So I stopped to gather some groceries on the way home, and set some dinner to start. I had the second best shower I've had in a week (first was post-Stanfest) and didn't want to get dressed again. I didn't get out of the shower until after 8:30, and then still had dinner to make.

At 9:00 I was ready to cook the noodles, and I was dreading having to go back out. I was also wanting to be more fiscally responsible this week, but was prepared to sacrifice that for the tradition of Thirstday. But I was soooo tired. And cozy. And clean. And hungry.

I was about to sit down and eat my dinner at 9:30, when I got a text message from Billy saying 'I don't know if I'll make it to Thirstday :(' Which under other circumstances would have made me disappointed, but tonight made me rather relieved. It was my built-in Out. Which I said when I replied. I asked him what his excuse was, and he replied that he'd been loaded since 4! *laugh* We texted back and forth a couple more times, then I said 'have fun! thanks for the message!' and left it at that. And then heaved a huge sigh of relief, and tucked into my s'getti.

I have had lots of tea and cozy time, I listened to some television in the other ear, I cleaned my kitchen, laid out my clothes for tomorrow, read a bunch of blogs, and have now brought all of you up to date. Don't you feel enlightened?

I will now go and cuddle up with Owen Meany and my HWB for a while, and suck the remaining marrow from the bones of this vacation. I've had a GREAT 9 days, and am almost even ready to go back tomorrow.

I hope it stops raining on Saturday morning though, as Saturday is the Highland Games on the commons--and I wants to go watch me some pipe bands before I have to head in to work! I loooooves me some pipe bands!

(speaking of which, if you're rich and in the Halifax area, the Nova Scotia Tattoo is on this week, until Sunday. And you should seriously consider going. I went last year for the first time, and it's AMAZING. What a spectacle it is to see. So go. Tell them I sent you. It won't get you a discount, or even better seats, but it'll make me feel important--and really, isn't it all about me?)

***
Note all the linkly love in this post? Note the free time that I must have had available? Note that it took me 3 hours to complete this post? Now it's time for bed. Don't expect so many links in the future...I'm not on vacation anymore, dammit! Time to get back to my cranky old uptight self. Now...get off my lawn!