So what?

In an attempt, however misguided, to avoid having to do work or blog I have read through every last post in my bloglines. The thing that is most scary about that? I have over 235 sites marked in there.

And none of you have anything new to say.

Well, you may have at 9 am, but you don't NOW and that's the issue.

What? I haven't said anything new and interesting either? You're right. And so what, I say? So. What.

I'm supposed to be doing work at home. I'm supposed to be frantically putting the finishing touches on an awards 'banquet' that I'm hosting tonight. I'm supposed to be working to make it not look like a thrown together, shoe-string budget, last-minute event. But it *IS* a thrown together, shoe-string budget, last-minute event.

The background story:

My company has a couple of ways that we recognize people and their efforts at excellence in service throughout the year. One is through Caught-yas (our version of the Atta-boy!) These are completely associate driven. If you see somebody going out of their way for a customer or for another associate, you write them up a little note. We hand them out at our monthly meetings, and you get recognized for doing a good deed. It's kinda nice.

The other is through a star award. Customers that take the time to write or call in to say that they were pleased with a particular associate or circumstance receive a letter thanking them for taking the time to do so. The associate in question gets a copy of the letter, as well as a letter of thanks. They receive a service star that they may or may not choose to sew onto their shirts. If they get 5 of them, they get $75 ($50 after tax).

These are both nice things. At the end of the year, usually in February or March, the associates from each store that got the most of each type of award went to Moncton for an awards luncheon where plaques and small prizes were handed out. The associates who received the most of each type of note corporately, won a largish prize--usually a jacket of some sort.

These, also, are nice things.

We're not doing that this year. Well, everything but the luncheon. The same associates at each store seemed to be attending each year. What was supposed to be an incentive/appreciation luncheon had turned into a source of grousing and bitterness for the associates left behind at the store.

So this year? We're each having our own banquet at the individual stores. I think this is a GREAT idea, as it recognizes EVERYONE for their contribution to the success of the business, and thanks people for working together. It still singles out the super-stars, but also recognizes the smaller, consistent twinklers.

So...what could be wrong with this picture? Well. I was given $250 to do it with.

(I'll wait while you gasp in shock.)

I'm supposed to throw a BANQUET for 35 people, with $250. That is to include site, food, PRIZES and entertainment. And do it in a non-alcoholic location with no access to booze.

Mwahahahahaa! I don't know how many of you have ever done event planning (except you, Principessa!) but this is relatively impossible if you want it to be any sort of fancy-pants EVENT. And it's supposed to be just that.

I could possibly pull it off if I planned for 6 months, was able to do it outdoors in the summertime, and had a much bigger pool of competent helpers than I do. But I had 3 weeks to piece together a half-assed $250 party to thank people for contributing to the overall success of a multi-million dollar corporation. Oh yeah. My job rocks sometimes.

So we're going to a pool-hall. I rented the 'private function room' (is it my fault if it is sponsored by a major brewer of beer?) and an extra table for the entire evening. This cost me $50. It would have been $60, but we're going mid-week.

We booked lasagne, garlic bread and ceasar salad from a local restaurant--they are providing plates, cutlery and napkins as well. This will cost me $224 including taxes. (see the problem already?)

I'm also supposed to provide prizes and awards. No place in this town sells pre-printed certificates. I had to settle for fancy stationery from Walm*rt and invent my own award papers. I am currently making a single file bigger than my head to take to work and print out before 6pm tonight.

I also have to go buy 3 more jokey prizes, and one big Good Prize, as well as another $20 gift certificate.

The husband of one of the girls at work made a Plinko board for HIS work. We're borrowing it, and we're going to play 'the price is right' tonight. I picked out a bunch of small, common, yet obscurely priced items to take with us, and people will bid on the items in groups of 4. If they win their round, they get a Plinko token. When they play Plinko, they can win a card with a numbered prize on it. The prizes are cheezy dollar store items that I went out and bought last night. Three of the 9 prizes will have $20 gift cards hidden on or in them.

We will then eat, I will hand out the certificates. I will award the corporately provided backpacks (nice--but seriously--how many 50 year old men do you know that are jonesing for a new Roots backpack with the company logo on it?!) and then hand out the peer-selected MVP award. This person will receive a certificate and a $50 certificate to the only decent restaurant in town.

I've managed to spend about $500, which I think is not bad, all things considered. I'm surprised that nobody from head office has called to rag me out for having the function in a place where booze is served--I was fully expecting that. But seriously, where can you get a venue for 35 people for the entire night, that provides entertainment AND lets you bring in outside catered food for $50? No place. I think I freaking rock.

If it comes off okay. Which right now, it's not quite feeling that it's going to. I'm procrastinating by blogging and reading blogs because I have too much to do in the next 2 hours. The panic will start to set it any minute. I also have no idea what I'm going to say to host this shin-dig. Good thing I'm a master at winging-it. Well, I think I am, anyway. Everyone is always far too polite to tell me otherwise!

Talk to you later, poppets. Happy Tuesday!

Oh my.

First, let me begin by saying... Happy Easter!

Then...let me follow up with Happy Belated Saint Patrick's Day!

I didn't go out on St.Paddy's day after all, which was a good thing overall. I had decided that I wasn't going to go if/when DD called, so when he called with apologies that work had waylaid him, I didn't even have to feel bad about it.

It was good too, because I was still physically pooped from my weekend last weekend. Which I have to say, I've been dwelling on in my mind quite a bit this week.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what was said between Billy and I, and trying to reconstruct the pieces that are woefully absent from my memory banks. I blame that part on the lack of sleep, as I choose to not believe that for the first time ever my poor memory of a specific event is alcohol induced. But in addition to that, I've been thinking about how much I need a vacation. And how much fun the last one was. And wondering if it'd be okay to broach the idea of another roadtrip in the next couple of months or so. I'm still just pondering--but I REALLY need a vacation--and the last one was a riot. We'll see. I don't know if I'm that brave/stupid/healed yet. Well I do. No/yes/hells no. Heh.

Um...worked all week. Was supposed to be off Saturday--worked. Worked Friday too. The guys were in to wax the floors at work, so we had to move all the freight off the floor on Thursday night. I had to let the guys into the store on Friday morning at the crack of dawn--then go back a couple of times.

I was going to go back at lunch time, but I got a little side-tracked. I had decided to make stew for supper--so got chopping and boiling. It was well on its way to being delicious, when I decided to make a smothie for my lunch.

I've been on a bit of a smoothie kick the last couple of days. I had one at Tamara's a couple of months ago, and it was delicious. Ever since I've been coveting a mini-blender. I bought one of those hand-whizzers early in the week. It's a PC one, and it comes with a mini-chopper for doing veggies, as well as a beaker-type cup for making shakes and such. I have been eating ice-cream, OJ, and frozen raspberry smoothies all week. DELICIOUS.

So I was making one. It was kinda huge. I was kinda hungry. I pulled out the whizzer from the cup. I pulled out the plug from the wall. I stuck my finger in to wipe out all the extra berry goo, and apparently there was still some dormant power in there. And also, apparently, I managed to squeeze the button as I was poking. So Yeah. I'm a moron. A moron with stitches. But thankfully still with all her finger bits. I'll post a photo of my bandage tomorrow--and the wound itself on Wednesday when I get to take the bandage off.

I'm a genius.

Friday I was here--save the 2.5 hours at the hospital (pretty good for stitches on a holiday!). Saturday (my day off) I worked for 4 hours putting stock away that had been moved on Thursday. I then came home, frigged around, had a nap, then headed to Halifax to chill with Duffy and his buddies. Steve was still in NF for his granny's funeral.

We headed out to the Lower Deck (my HappyPlace*TM*) for some fun. I'd had a tylenol with codeine (just OTC T-ones) at 7:30, and didn't have a drink until 10 at Duff's. Then, when we got to the bar, I had another. I was starting a third when I began to feel like absolute crap. I just couldn't make my way through the bottle. Anyone who knows me, knows this is NOT usually an issue.

I felt nauseous, but not pukey. I felt just generally out of sorts. I wanted to stand. But I wanted to sit. By 11:30 I just wanted to die. I had gone upstairs with Cal*lan at one point to look for the others. There was nobody around, so we danced to one song. I couldn't stay moving for more than that. Anybody who knows me, knows that this also is not normal. I'm a dancing MACHINE.

I went back downstairs to see the band. Coming around the staircase, I bumped into the newel and grazed my rib. Today? I have an enormous bruise. Apparently I didn't just 'graze' it so much as pile into it. Oh well.

A man standing next to me at the back of the room began some idle bar-chatter. I was trying hard to be polite and cheerful, but I was dizzy. And sweating. Sweating, I say! Ridiculous. I knew I was in rough shape.

The problem comes here--I was staying at Duffy's. Duffy, who I know only slightly, through Steven. And they were loaded and having a good time.

The lower portion was closing and everyone headed upstairs to dance. I went up, but couldn't see them, so I went downstairs to talk to my friend who happened to be the coat-check girl. This way I could have lots of fresh air, not be crowded, but also not miss anybody should they decide to leave.

Anyway, I was there until about 2. At this point the bar was closing, I was feeling slightly better, and I went up to find the boys & girls. On the way home we stood briefly in line at Cheers, and also at the Alehouse. Then we had horrible pizza, and went home.

I felt so much better at this point, that sleep was good.

The lesson, boys and girls? Beer and codeine don't mix. Even if the codeine should have worn off by the time you drink the beer, and you don't have much beer anyway. Because wanting to die isn't a fun feeling. Just sayin'.

Today was a great day--beautiful drive home, got here early-ish, baked some delicious new muffins, avoided doing any work at all (BAAAAAD); and finally, although I put it off all day long, blogged.

I don't know why I have had such a block about it all week. I've had time. I've been bored, in fact. I've been stalking all of YOUR blogs. I just have not had the oomph to post myself. I've *wanted* to--just not really known where to begin, I guess.

Part is likely that things are still shit at work, and I am tired of dwelling on that. Part is that I've been very introspective all week, and have been thinking a lot about things I know I shouldn't. I've been thinking about things that are necessary changes, as well as things I'd like to see magically improve. I have been trying to come up with some goals--I haven't had any for a while now, and I need some focus in my life.

I read 2 books this week. That was a hugely positive change. I haven't read for pleasure since Christmas. I missed it. It also challenged my brain in a way that managed to keep me away from my internet connection for a while.

To be honest, I know that the net is sucking out my brains and all of my free time. I'm seriously considering a semi-boycott. I'm considering cutting out my FBook addiction, as well as my blog reading. I'd keep the blog, and a reduced daily reading list. I don't know if I can stick with it or not, but I know that the last 2 weeks that I've been 'appearing offline' on MSN and not keeping the crack-book logged in in the background I've gotten a lot more accomplished at home. It seems that the second I power up the laptop, I lose 4 hours. It's not good.

As I said though, I'm just considering right now. I need to give it some more thought.

Ho hum :)

Um...I suck. :)

So Thursday update--it wasn't as horrible as I expected it to be. It wasn't pleasant, but then again, when is an intervention ever a good time? Seriously, it was like couples counseling (rather, how I imagine couples counseling to be, I've never actually had any, although several of my past relationships would probably have benefited from the experience). But at least it's over. Hopefully it worked, and things be better. I've been working at my stuff to try and improve things, so I just hope he keeps plugging away at his. Time shall tell.

I closed Friday night, and worked yesterday. Last night I drove to Halifax to meet up with Tracey and some of the girls. She's in town from Edmonton for a week, and I REALLY wanted to see her. Which is good, because the roads were evil. They were perfectly clear here, and most of the way through the Cobequid Pass, but on the other side of the pass, and all the way into the city they were horrible. I did 60 all the way down the highway from Milbrook on. It was a long trip.

Last night was a really good time. Parts of it were awkward, but it turned out to be a blast. The awkward part was when Billy and I had a 'discussion' at the end of the night. You see, he read some back-pages of my blog about 10 days ago. I thought it was him, I just had a feeling. But I wasn't sure. And I didn't mention it.

Remember how I'd said he was gone offline for a few days? And that I was missing even having him sit there on my messenger not talking? Well. I was right. It was intentional.

But he mis-read some things, and didn't understand where I was coming from. I think we have it sorted out now. I wish I hadn't been quite so trashed, because we talked about a LOT of stuff, and I can only remember half of it. Yes, I know. Lack of sleep, and too much booze leads to poor judgement. Well, this time it didn't. It lead to clearing the air, and hopefully getting back on the right foot. I'd like to have more of that conversation sober, but I don't think he'd do it, to be honest. It's too uncomfortable. For both of us. And it's the type of thing that needs to be done in person. And we don't get that opportunity very often.

Anyway, I think we're sorted out. It was very sad at some points, and very emotional (for me!) in others. I asked for a hug, and he held me. And we fell asleep like that, and it was nice. (yes, I know, not healthy--I don't hug my other friends like that) It was nice because I think we both needed to understand that we can still get along. And that neither one of us would intentionally hurt the other one's feelings. Particularly not in public.

He and Alicia and I went to breakfast this morning, and when I left the restaurant to drop Alicia at home, I hugged him. And we held on a bit, even though it was a one-armed hug. And it was nice. I hug all my other friends, and it's not something we've ever been able to do in public--even when we were dating. So I think we're making steps.

I'd have liked to get together for caffeine this afternoon to finish up our conversation from last night, but I didn't want to be pushy. Or seem like I wanted more than friendship--because I really don't. Well...I think I don't. But that's for another exploratory surgery. :-)

I went to the mall and wandered for a couple of hours. Steven came to meet me and we had Second Cup and a lovely chat. He told me all about his date last night (it went really well) and that the best part was being able to just go places in public and not have to look over his shoulder to see if anybody saw them together. Isn't that an absolutely horrible thing? I mean, that THAT was the way he's lived his last 2 years of dating? It's distasteful. And I"m happy that he's finally learning to be happy.

I'm sooooooo tired, that I'm off to bed. I just really wanted to update a little bit.

I had a fantastic weekend, saw some great friends, played a really fun board game, drank too much, made up with my best friend, and got some hugs and snuggles. Human touch makes up for a lot of injustice in your day-to-day. I need to figure out how to get more of that. But that's a job for tomorrow.

Tomorrow's Saint Paddy's Day, and I was invited to Moncton with DD to beverage with some of his friends. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I'd love to go to Moncton, I'd love to meet new people, but I don't think I want to encourage him. Nor do I really want to have 'the conversation' with him tomorrow. Who knows. I'm going to play it by ear. I'll see how I feel about the whole thing tomorrow, after a lovely long snooze.

G'night, poppets. Happy Sunday night. :-)

House of Cards

I like to have people believe that I have it all together. I like to believe it myself; but when I can't believe it myself, I cling to the delusion that other people believe that I am keeping it together.

I've mentioned before that my pride is my single biggest character flaw. Not that I don't have others that just scream out for analysis, but my pride is the thing that always gets me into trouble.

I don't want people to ever view me as weak. I don't want people to think of me as incapable. I don't want people to think I'm not strong. I don't like to think that people can see me as vulnerable.

I have always been like this, but it's become much more exaggerated working so hard to succeed in what is still a very male-dominated business. I'm always afraid to admit that I suck at something because I don't want them to think it's because I'm a woman. I really feel a sense of responsibility to every other woman I've never met who is working in a business setting. I have a huge sense of guilt for things and people that I haven't even met yet. How messed up is that?

Anyway. The set-up here in Amh*rst has been chaotic ever since the very beginning. There has not been a time when things have had a chance to settle into 'normal'. I have been waiting, and plugging away, and trying to stop up the leaks in the dam...all the while waiting, and hoping, and dreaming of a day when I could comfortably leave for the day and NOT stress myself out about all the crap that I didn't get done.

I have been waiting for things to find their natural level. I have been waiting for things to balance out.

And they're not.

I've been behind from the day I started, and trying desperately to catch up. I've been running and running and running and I never seem to be able to catch up. Just when I think I can reach out and catch onto the bumper of the speeding train something drama-tastic happens that prevents that from happening. Maybe that's the nature of the job. But I don't think so.

Today, my carefully tended house of cards will come to an uncertain demise.

My sales-guy is playing even more passive-aggressive games with my career. He's been emailing around me again, to the district sales-manager. He feels that he is not being 'supported' by me at the store, and that he is not going to be able to get the 'support' that he feels he needs, so instead, he needs a $4/hour raise.

What got their attention is the money. But the bigger problem is the communication issue. I've never met a salesperson like him before. Generally they want you to leave them alone and only go near them on rare occasion. This one wants me to hold his hand every day.

I don't have time for that.

Because I'm busy filling in checklist after checklist. I'm busy doing reports. I'm busy explaining away a lack of sales. I'm busy going to stupid meetings that take me out of my store for 2 days at a time while the paperwork and emails pile up on my desk waiting for my return.

I'm not innocent here. I know that I don't spend enough time at the sales desk. I know that he needs to be managed differently from everyone else. I get that. But I don't know how I'm supposed to find the time to do that.

I haven't wanted to talk to my boss about it, because I haven't wanted to look like I wasn't up for the job. I didn't want to look incompetent. It seems like everyone else around me is handling it okay, so I just keep plugging along and hoping that it really *IS* possible to get caught up and excel.

Today though, that carefully tended house of cards is likely to fall. We're having what is going to amount to an intervention. Me, my salesguy, my district manager, and my district sales manager are all going to sit in a room together and discuss a strategy for how to make this work for us.

I am NOT looking forward to it. I know that it won't be pretty. I know that it's necessary. I've tried to do this on my own with my salesguy, but it hasn't worked. He avoids having to speak to me at any given opportunity. I will go down to chat with him and find out what's going on, and he barely speaks. But then when I leave, he emails me the answers to all the questions that I've asked him. I don't understand someone who won't talk to me when I'm next to them, but emails me with relative ease.

I also don't understand someone who won't deal with me face-to-face, but feels completely content trying to undermine me.

It makes it very difficult to be 'supportive'.

Anyway. I need to go into work in an hour. On my day off. To get 'talked to'. To 'hammer things out'. To spend the afternoon watching my little world crumble.

I may be wrong. Things may work out just fine. But I sincerely doubt it. I have to shoulder the majority of the responsibility for making our working relationship function, and I haven't been giving it the effort that I should have. It grows tiresome after a while. But it needs to be fixed, and it needs to be fixed now. I understand that. But it DOES take two.

*sigh*

Billy's been offline for 2 days, and I didn't realize how dependent I was on him for support still. It's pretty sad. But I won't pick up the phone and call him--so I guess I don't need the support that badly.

DD phoned his way into the picture again last night. I was working late at the store, and the phone rang. I answered it because it was an SJ #. We chatted for about 45 minutes while he was driving back home from Bathurst.

I then went home and sat--avoiding doing more work at home and dreading tomorrow.

My phone rang again. It was DD. He said 'you sounded frustrated and anxious--did you want company to talk about it?'

I suggested that it was probably not a wise course of action. Nevertheless, he drove this way instead of to Moncton. At midnight, we sat in my kitchen and drank beer and talked of life, music, and relationships. At 2 am, we sat in my living room and drank beer and talked of life, music, and jeebus. At 3 am, I made him help me carry my humungous futon upstairs to the spare room and we set him up a place to sleep. At 4:30, I put sheets and blankets on the futon. At 5 am, I shipped him off to sleep in it, and I went to bed.

It was nice to have someone to talk to. I am well aware that he's NOT the best person to be talking to at the moment. I'm also desperately aware that I should have gone to bed on time, gotten up early, and gone into work this morning to get caught up instead of staying up too late drinking beer and running my mouth. However.

He's definitely interested. He sat closer to me on the couch than he needed to. He made a point of touching me subtly whenever he could. He is bold, yet shy. It's entertaining. It's good for my ego. It's been a long time since I had someone who was actually INTERESTED in me. Someone who thought I was attractive enough to WANT to touch me--even casually.

I also know that I'm going to continue to keep the situation platonic. No matter how much I might like to be held. Because I can't think of a situation any less intelligent than getting involved with your corporate security person. It would be a conflict work-wise, as well as potentially messy (likely) when things didn't work out.

But it was nice to have someone be concerned about me. And it was nice to know that he finds me attractive. And I was glad to have the distraction so that I didn't spend all night staring at the ceiling fretting about this afternoon.

Is it really so wrong that I'd like to have him stop by again?

Update.

I spent almost all day Friday waiting for the furnace guy. Well, to be honest I waited about 3 hours for the furnace guy, it took him about an hour to fix the furnace, and then I avoided going in to work for another 3 hours. I went in late in the afternoon and worked until close. I also worked on Saturday, even though it was my scheduled weekend off.

To be honest, working Friday night was a really good thing for me. I mixed a lot of paint, got a fair bit done, taught Frank how to do some stuff, and felt a lot better about life in general.

I don't think the feeling a lot better really happened until later in the evening though. After work, I drove to George's Roadhouse in Sackville and saw Garrett Mason play. If you're not familiar with Garrett, he's a blues musician from Truro. And man, can that kid wail. You have to see his fingers move to understand what an amazing musician he is. It was a really fun time.

I got home about 12:45 and headed straight to bed. I needed to be up at 7 in order to make it to work for 8. That was my plan, anyway.

I was in bed, and I got a text message about 1. Tracey was at the airport in Calgary waiting for her flight. We texted once or twice, and I went to bed. At about 1:40, my phone rang. It was an Alberta number, so I figured something had gone on with her flight. I woke up and answered the phone. It was Kzelly.

He had been out, had already called his brother and his mom...so he called me. *boggle*

Most of you won't be familiar with Kzel. He's an ex. From about 8 years ago. We started out 'casual'--but anybody who knows me knows that we didn't live by the usual 'casual' standards. I'm not a 'casual' kind of girl. Anyway, we dated for about 2.5 or 3 years. We stopped dating because we knew exactly which buttons to push to drive the other one crazy. It got to a point during our (mainly) long distance relationship where we were both being mean to one another more than we were being nice to one another. I didn't want to be that person. So we stopped. Anyway, we've been friendly ever since. But not in that 'call up in the middle of the night' kind of way.

Anyway, suffice to say that Kzelly and I were on the phone until almost 4am, and it was a pleasant chat. I said at one point 'it's really great that we can finally discuss the 'issues' in our relationship 8 years later! *laugh*' He laughed too, and we had a really nice talk.

I have to go get ready for work now, so I'll finish this up tonight.

Here's another Garrett Mason clip for you while I'm gone. It's fuzzy picture quality, but the music's still great!

No time to post...

...but I can't leave that self-indulgent crap as the top post.

Although, I suppose, what is a blog if it's not self-indulgent?

My furnace has decided to stop working. It is currently quite cold in my bedroom, and nice and cozy here in the blankets. I'm supposed to be at work in 10 minutes or so, however I'm not going to be. I'm not *technically* scheduled until 8, although I have a crapload of work that needs doing...so I'm not going in until then. I want an extra hours here in the warmth.

I had a really nice visit with Amanda after work last night...she's going on a pilgrimage next week, and it was lovely to hear her talk about it a bit. Her pilgrimage is taking her to Iona, in Scotland...which causes me great envy. Both for the pilgrimage, and the trek to an area of Scotland that is still native ghaidlig speaking.

I am desperate for a vacation, but simply cannot forsee a time between now and May when I can realize that dream. Ah well. Particularly not now that I may have to shell out insanely big bucks to replace the furnace.

I knew this was a very real possibility when I bought the house. I held off on ordering my new kitchen cupboards because I was aware that I might have to drop $3K on a new heat source. But Yikes. It's a lot of cash. That I'd like to spend making the house prettier so that when I sell it, I can get more for it. But being warm is also important, so I guess we'll go with that. Who knows...it may just need cleaning or something.

All I know is that it won't stay going. I hit the reset button a few times, and I was able to get it started last night, but once it came up to temperature, it stopped...and wouldn't start again. I didn't go to bed until after 1, and at that time it was still 18.8*C...but now? It's probably about 13 or 14 if I'm lucky. Brr.

I'm fortunate that today and tomorrow are supposed to be relatively warm, so nothing inside is likely to freeze just yet. Hopefully I can get the furnace guy in today to service it. I phoned my oil company last night when I couldn't get it started at first to get them to send the tech out right away. Thankfully it started up, because when I asked him to schedule a visit from the fix-it folks, he said 'no problem!' and informed me that they're independent contractors, and while the oil company would gladly allow me to charge their services to my bill, the going rate for DAYTIME visits was $81/hour plus tax and parts. I KNEW I should have gone into a career in furnace repair! Can you imagine what the fee for an emergency call-out would have been? Yikes!

More and more I'm loving my HWB (hot water bottle).

Yesterday at work was okay. I had a steady stream of folks in and out of my office, all wanting a piece of me. I really feel more like a daycare instructor at some times than I do a manager. I didn't realize grown adults were this much WORK all the time. I just always went in to work and did my job. I didn't bitch about it, I didn't complain about everybody else, I just did my work. And when I was done doing my work, I went home. At least, I hope to hell that's what I did. I really don't want to see myself as yet another 'issue' someone else had to deal with every day!

Ah well. This too shall pass.

Today is guaranteed to be rough. I have 4 deadlines all falling today, and I'm likely to meet only 2 of them. Entirely my own fault, as I took 2 days off to do absolutely nothing except sulk and feel bad. However, it's not going to make the day any less stressful knowing that I pretty much 'chose' to not meet the deadlines. I'll try desperately all day to make everyone else happy, while trying to catch up enough to either meet, or semi-meet the deadlines, and wonder what the hell I'm doing all of this for.

Yet knowing that is what will happen, and even knowing that earlier this week, I will still be stressed out and anxious. I will still berate myself for taking the time for me earlier when I should have been focusing more clearly on my work and the tasks at hand. I know it's not logical, but it's my life.

I was talking to Amanda last night about balance. I really need to find some. I wake up in the morning stressing about work. I go to sleep at night, worrying about work. I spend all my waking moments concentrating on how to make everyone else's lives better, and I don't spend any time at all focussed on how to make MY life better. I need some balance.

Jane suggested I go to her meditation class on Tuesday night at the university. I think I may take her up on it; because as much as I mocked my mother for joining one back in the summer, I really DO appreciate the peace that meditation has to offer. Or I did when I was a kid and was taking karate. I used to meditate before each sparring match and kata when I was in tournaments. At high school, just before I went in to write an exam, I'd find a quiet place in the hallway. When everyone else was stressing out and freaking out, I'd meditate for a few minutes, and walk in calm and peaceful. I don't think it helped my results, but I felt a lot better about writing! *laugh*

I need to get to the gym. And I need to stop my bitching. I need to get off my arse and paint this house. Because if I DO decide to sell it pronto and move, I'd like to get as much for it as I can. I.e. hopefully!!! what I paid. But we shall see.

Anyway. For someone with no time, this sure turned into a rather lengthy post. I'm sure you'll cope.

Happy Friday, folks!

Mental health day.

I took one yesterday. I took another one today. Today was worse than yesterday. Tomorrow will be worse again, but I have to go to work for a full shift. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

I have lots to say, and a whole lot of nothing. I'm up far too late already though, puttering around accomplishing nothing. So I'm going to post my IM conversation from earlier. I'm not really prepared to type out a whole lot of details. I was all teary and sad at the end of the conversation--and we're not even anywhere near the 3 days of the month that I'm not allowed to make decisions. I am in a serious funk.

I will call the 1-800 EAP phone number tomorrow looking for a referral. I didn't do it before when I said I would, simply because things started to look up slightly. But now they're not. Work is a mess, partly through problems of my own making, but mostly not. I'm sad all the time, and I'm not myself. I'm not enjoying my life, because I don't have one. It's never been like this before for me, moving. And I don't know if I hate my job because I'm unhappy, or if I'm unhappy because I hate my job. Anyway...that's a story for another day. G'night folks. Happy Thursday.

sarah says: how's you?
Bill says: sleepy.. you?
sarah says: meh.
Bill says: did you go to work at all today?
sarah says: yeah, i had to close.
sarah says: 5-10. we closed at 7.
sarah says: i actually got some work done. it was kinda nice.
Bill says: excellent.
sarah says: any less grumpy today?
Bill says: slightly
sarah says: anything new?
Bill says: my life is so freakin' boring it's ridiculous.
sarah says: me too. except for work.
sarah says: and frankly, there's got to be more to it than this.
Bill says: tell me about it.
sarah says: i used to have a life.
sarah says: you'll get to sail again in the spring, at least. That'll be fun.
Bill says: i used to too, briefly.

that hadn't even occured to me.
sarah says: I keep trying to look forward for something positive.
sarah says: i'm not coming up with a hell of a lot.
Bill says: quit. sell your house and move back to halifax.
sarah says: I spent most of today looking for a new job.
sarah says: I'm so sick of people.
Bill says: do it!
sarah says: i don't know what i want to do.
sarah says: i just don't think this is it.
Bill says: yes, that's becoming pretty obvious.
sarah says: i miss the event of Thirstday. I miss having a routine. I miss gaelic. I miss people actually liking me. And I really miss feeling like myself.
sarah says: blah. sorry. not your problem.
Bill says: you need to get out of there.
sarah says: Yeah, i know.
sarah says: but i feel like a failure because i can't seem to make it work.
sarah says: i'm working as hard as i can, and i can't keep up. i have no balance. and i'm sad all the time. I just can't deal with it anymore.
sarah says: so yeah. i looked for jobs today. i will continue to do that tomorrow.
sarah says: and for the forseeable future.
Bill says: just leave. fuck it.
sarah says: i can't. i have a $110K noose that i have to pay for.
sarah says: that, and i'd kind of like to have the 10 year reference.
Bill says: what's a 10 year reference?
sarah says: i mean the reference that would come from being someplace for 10 years...and still being gainfully employed.
sarah says: that, and I can't walk away from a paycheque. Not unless i'm prepared to move home. And I'm not.
sarah says: I was ready in October/November.
sarah says: anyway.
sarah says: you were tired. I'm sorry to babble at you. I just miss having a friend. And Tracey was at work.
Bill says: don't worry about it so much. if you hate it that much, just leave. you have friends here that'll help you through 'til you get rid of your house and find a new job.
sarah says: we'll see.

Garfield, sans chat.

Heh. I wasn't going to post this, but I can't not do it.

Exhausted.

I'm tired, y'all.

Physically and emotionally drained.

My week with no days off, filled with travel, friends and excitement has caught up with me. That and the week prior of also no days off, and DD keeping me up too late chatting and socializing. And my three weeks of close shifts. I'm beat.

And I don't know if/when it's going to get better. I have a new assistant, yes. But he doesn't know ANYTHING about retail except what a 'store' looks like. Which is okay, because he's eager, and this means he doesn't have any bad habits yet. But it's going to be a freaking lot of work.

And today? I don't have the energy for it.

What I WANT to do is roll over in bed and get up again in a few hours. What I NEED to do is get my ass in to work early and stay there late again. But I was there until 9:30 last night, then came home with a briefcase full of work. I'm TIRED.

And I want a nap.

*update* got through to my office manager--new guy doesn't start until 10, so I'm going back to bed for a couple of hours. Hurrah!

Me too!

I was just reading what Principessa had to say about her odd taste in celebrity crushes. (Although I have to say, Queen Latifah is about the best girl-crush a body could have!) I figured it was time to step up to the plate and admit to my own slightly less than main-stream man-crushes.

I'm in love with Ed.

I know. But seriously--I am. I even love him in the CIBC commercials. Also in that terrible, short-lived, yet cooly named show "Love Monkey". I loved his REAL show--quirky lawyer moves to small-town midwest USA and buys a bowling alley--where he combines (without question?!?) his law practice and love of bowling and great shirts. How is it even possible to not love this man?

That and he's so freaking ADORABLE.

So now you know. I'm deeply in like with Thomas Cavanagh.

p.s. did I even MENTION that he's Canadian? Yeah. Now you know.

it's been a long week

I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted; mainly because I've been doing it all week--in my head.

I was in SJ for meetings and and awards banquet on Monday and Tuesday. I won a PS3 as a door prize. That was the good part. Oh yes, and the bed at the Hilton was AMAZING. So comfy! I had a great sleep there--short though it was. Monday night we all hung out at the bar downstairs. It was nice to socialize with some old acquaintances again. It's only been a month since last time, but it was still lovely. Alas though, not much sleep.

Wednesday through Saturday I worked. I closed every day. I did not have a day off. I've been stuck in a shit-storm at work, and I don't seem to be able to get out of it. There's so much childish drama going on that I'm considering switching the job title on my business card from 'manager' to 'daycare supervisor'. I've got a couple of very 'hard manages' in terms of personalities, and I'm trying desperately to figure out how to get the best out of them and keep them happy. So far everything I've tried has NOT worked.

Friday night I went to the pub here in town to see Floyd King play. I used to see him periodically on Thirstday nights at the Celtic Corner. I was excited to go. He played songs that he had actually written himself, which he never did at the CC. He's quite a talented songwriter. My new bud Nancy came with me.

Saturday night I sat and watched some television for the first time in ages. My baby sister called me. She was loaded. She only seems to call when she's loaded. My mother told her that I was trying to get a flight home, but that I wasn't having any luck. Why my mother would do this is a mystery to me. I understand that she was excited that I was thinking about coming home for a visit and wanted to share--but Amy's 30th birthday is this Thursday. Amy wanted me to come home for it, and I absolutely cannot do it, work-wise. Amy called me all sad and depressed and DRUNK to tell me how much she misses me, and how 'absolutely tickled' she'd be to see me. And how happy she'd be. And, and, and. I know that most of it was drunken rambling--but at the same time, Mum knows how upset Amy gets about things. It would have been the smart thing to do to keep her trap shut.

I was still angry about it on Sunday, so I didn't call home yesterday to talk to my mom. I knew I'd say something about it, and that would upset my mother, who didn't mean anything by it in the first place...so it wasn't worth the battle. Blargle. Family politics.

I've been up too late reading blogs all week. I've been not sleeping worrying about work. When I'm at work I don't seem to be getting anything accomplished.

I was going to spend all day Sunday catching up on work at the store, but it stormed to beat the band in the morning. Which meant my entire day was shot, as I suffer from a chronic case of inertia. Once I'm sitting doing nothing, I continue to sit doing nothing. It was a pretty much wasted day. Except that I baked cookies. That was good.

I don't know if I had a really bad case of the Sunday blues last night, or if I'm slipping back into a funk. I think it's the latter, but I'm hoping it's the former.

I haven't been returning phone calls from people I'd love to talk to. I can't be bothered to do the simplest of tasks, even though I know they would be short and simple and then OVER. This is not unusual for me, but it's lasting a lot longer than usual. I'm a person who has to function under the 'do it now' principle. If I don't do something right when I think about it, it doesn't happen. Too many other things get in the way.

In good news, I won a book from (NSFW) The Red Sneaker Diaries. I'm very excited about it. I never win anything! Granted, I won it because I haven't had sex in longer than everyone else who entered, and Red felt sorry for me...but I'm okay with that. A pity win is still a win! And a lovely coffee-table book about sex is kind of a nice thing to win.

Sometimes I'm glad I don't have kids--I can actually leave this out on my coffe table! *laugh*

Oh well...quarter to seven, and it's going to be a VERY long day today. My new Assistant starts today, my DM will be here to talk with him, and to rag me out for various and sundry things. I should go and get a start. I hope you all have a lovely week! Wish me luck!